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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Can I MAKE my 14 year old dd go to summer camp if she doesn't want to?

167 replies

Spidermama · 04/06/2013 18:33

Here's the background.
DH is going away for seven and a half weeks in the summer holidays. Shock
I work mon-fri, 5am until 12pm.
I have four children aged 8, 11, 13 and 14.

I'll need a break. So I've booked a holiday camp for the kids which looks really great. They'd all go to the same camp for one week.

The problem is that my 14 year old DD says she won't go. She's insisting. She points out, quite correctly, that I can't drag her out of the house.

She's very shy. Actually I know this would be great for her and I think it's just what she needs: A week doing kayaking, canoeing, zip wiring, crafts, archery, camping etc etc etc. It would be a great chance for her to leave the lip gloss and straighteners at home and just BE!

But she won't. And I've paid the deposit.

Having a week to myself is the only thing that's keeping me going and I won't cope without it.

What would you do?

OP posts:
VenusUprising · 04/06/2013 22:15

Just send her.

I don't think it's selfish to ensure she has skills for adulthood.

Being shy is no excuse for being a recluse.

She's 14 and needs to know the world doesn't shine out of her bum, shy or not.

Her mum is working her socks off and needs time for herself, and I can relieve how much flack she's getting..

Fwiw, I was sent on all sorts of camps, and loved some, and hated others.

You learn to roll with it and suck it up.

Life's not especially designed for your own pleasure, sometimes to be part of a family, you need to accommodate other family members and do what's expected.
It's only a week, but her mum needs the time alone, as she'll be a sole parent for the duration of the summer.

twoteens · 04/06/2013 23:15

Bloody hell the op in not sending her away to boarding school for a year!!!!!
i would explain that its going to be a long long summer if she doesn't go and bribery always helps new straightners if she goes, and she might have a great time. my two went to camp at this age dd1 very reluctant but had a fantastic time still friends with people she met there and she was very shy. and how bad can it be for a week part of growing up is realizing that sometimes you have to adapt and do things that you dont want too, And you need and deserve the break it was my life line in the summer when the girls went to camp just to have some me time. the rest of the holidays went better because I had that break.

alarkaspree · 04/06/2013 23:42

My mother made me and my sister go to that kind of camp at a similar age because she had to work. Neither of us were very keen, we were both quite shy.

I loved it, it really brought me out of my shell, I got to snog boys and stuff.

My sister hated it and was really miserable.

So it could go either way. I don't think you would be wrong to insist on her going at all, it could work out just as you hope. Equally it could not, but it's not unreasonable to expect her to try it out.

Startail · 05/06/2013 00:25

The more I think about this the more I feel a 14year old gets no choice, but a 10 year old does.

A 10 yearold might be genuinely scared and home sick. I hated my first guide holiday.

A 14 yearold needs to get their act together and learn to face whatever the world throws at them.

colditz · 05/06/2013 00:31

I wouldn't have gone, and if I'd been dragged there I'd have walked out at the first opportunity and hitch hiked home.

OutragedFromLeeds · 05/06/2013 01:06

So a chronically shy 14 year old needs to learn to suck it up, roll with it, get their act together and learn to face whatever the world throws at them, but her mother is perfectly entitled to pack her off to a camp because the idea of looking after her own children for 7 weeks is too much for her?! Doesn't she need to suck it up?

OP I understand you need a bit of time, but wouldn't it be easier to organise lots of day activities if she doesn't want to go away for a whole week? I think a couple of days a week, every week of alone time is probably going to make the 7 weeks easier than 6 weeks of having them full time and 1 week of them being away.

mirry2 · 05/06/2013 01:13

Why not do a deal with her by saying that she should do 2 days and if she still really doesn't like it she can come home on the third day. Then at least she will have given it a go and mabe even like it and if not, at least you'll know she tried and that you had 2 days of rest.

CouthyMow · 05/06/2013 02:09

If give her the choice - week at camp, or week with Granny in Dorset. Anything other than those two options is NOT an option!

You need that time, you know your limits, she is 14, so old enough to realise that she will be at home where her friends are god the other 6 out of 7 weeks, but that you WILL be getting this week as R&R.

Give her a deadline to choose by, but let her make the choice. Staying at home that week, not an option.

nooka · 05/06/2013 02:22

My ds is 14 and if that is what I had organised (with his needs in mind), that's what would happen. For us finding stuff for ds this summer has been tricky as round our way most camps etc seem to cut off at 13.

Spidermama how do you work such crazy hours? There is no way I could cope with that long term (or am I misreading and seeing 12pm as midnight when perhaps you mean midday?)

The option of granny or camp seems like a good compromise.

fastyspeedyfast · 05/06/2013 02:34

OP is not sending her to prison camp, and it's only for a week. I can understand the 14-year-old over-dramatising this... but what's with all the adults reacting as though the OP was packing her off to Siberia?

If she would honestly enjoy a week with Granny instead, so be it. But fair enough to have a week to yourself while they the others zip & hike & swim. Sounds fun.

OP I understand you need a bit of time, but wouldn't it be easier to organise lots of day activities if she doesn't want to go away for a whole week? No, that sounds much more complex!! And it involves far more organising and chauffeuring.

TanteRose · 05/06/2013 04:03

oh, OP, I feel your pain.

I had organised for my DS (14) to go to an English/activity camp (English is his second language and could do with a boost) in the UK near my parents.

He was due to go over to the UK, stay with his grandparents for a few days, do the residential camp and then return with me (I would be visiting the UK part-way through the summer).

He suddenly decided that it was completely LAME and out of the question and there was no way I would make him go .

I had paid the deposit, but had not yet paid for the airline ticket to the UK. He was supposed to be flying alone (what an adventure, thought I ) but there was a very good chance he would just refuse to board the plane. I was not going to risk wasting a lot of money.

So he is not going - he said he has "things to do" (there are some gigs, and DJing competitions that he is entering, so he won't be in his room the WHOLE summer just most of it Confused)

His sister and I are going to the UK for a visit anyway, he will stay here with DH (who works partly from home) so its not a disaster, but its just so disheartening...

Funnily enough, we are in Japan so if your DD had been a boy, I would have suggested they come over with your DH and do a homestay at mine! It would have been a "room" stay, heavily featuring computer/Xbox...

Smile
EugenesAxe · 05/06/2013 04:22

I went on a few things like that around that age and loved them - but I was with my best friend. I've read most but my initial thought was also see how she goes for a few days -then say if she doesn't like she can go to grandma's.

I also think an honest chat/ discussion about your feelings as well as hers might work.

I don't think you are AT ALL out of order for needing that week. I am slightly depressed about your mention of sleep, because I'd hoped that nighttime pissing about would end by about age 5. When they both sleep right through I realise how amazing it is to not be disturbed...

EugenesAxe · 05/06/2013 04:32

Also DH is reserved more than shy and he says he resents his DM not pushing him to try more unknown experiences.

Different background, in that he says she struggled to let go, so would take him back home/ keep him with her at the first sign of discomfort/ 'I don't want to go'-ness on his part, but still pertinent. He says it's negatively affected him as an adult.

Blu · 05/06/2013 08:09

Ha ha at OP being selfish for needing a break and 'do does she'. The OP is doing a FULL TIME job, starting at 5am every day and looking after 4 kids in the summer hols. The dd will have a 6 week school hol as her break.

14 year olds need saving from themselves sometimes. Leave it a bit and offer camp OR Dorset but staying at home is non negotiable.

Or check out other residentials she might like

ssd · 05/06/2013 08:19

I dont have enough cash to bribe my 2 into doing camps during the summer holidays, its their idea of hell

but I do get the fact you need a bit of a break, totally feel for you there

but surely at 14 she can stay in herself and try to keep out your way when you come home after lunchtime

GoblinGranny · 05/06/2013 08:23

I like the fact that you have three options though:
Send her to camp and deal with the consequences. At least if she's shy and insecure, she's unlikely to just walk out and disappear.
Send her to her grandmother for a week.
Let her stay, but at 14 she can hoover and clean bathrooms and kitchen, make basic meals, load up the washing machine and dry the clothes, gardening...and I'd have all of my children doing age-appropriate jobs every week anyway.

I am puzzled though, you work 5-12, 5 days a week. Is she in charge of the rest of them when you work?

pollycazalet · 05/06/2013 08:24

Fair enough if 14 year old had been consulted and agreed to the plan and is now backing out. But OP has said she booked it without asking and its for her own convenience - its clear her dd doesn't see it as a treat or a great opprtunity. I am amazed at how many people think the dd should be made to do this when there appear to be other options. A lot of heavy handed approaches on this thread which ime teens do not respond to, and which can damage relationships.

cory · 05/06/2013 08:37

Your initial mistake was making a decision that involved a child this old and not having her included in the discussions. This means you have missed out on the first chance of compromising and making her feel part of the decision. You wouldn't like it if your dh had decided that he was tired and needed to be alone at home so had booked up a holiday for you behind your back. Not even if he was unwell or had other massive reasons for needing to be alone.

Sometimes, of course, parents have to make executive decisions. But teenagers should at least be involved in the discussions.

Still, there may be time to compromise. But you need to come from an angle where you tell her that you recognise the problem from her pov (and get her to recognise the problem from your pov). Is there anything you could do to make her stay at the camp more bearable for her? Or is there anything she could do to make her staying at home more bearable for you.

You need to start practising talking to her like a grown up. Of course she is not a grown up and you don't need to give her vote the same weight as that of a grown up, but you do need to get into that habit of relating to each other.

cory · 05/06/2013 08:39

I was also a very shy teenager and have had a fair bit of experience pushing anxious teens to try the unknown. Ime it only ever works if you work with them rather than over their heads.

VivaLeBeaver · 05/06/2013 08:42

I've tried to convice my 12yo dd to go to PGL for a week but she's not having it. Therefore she won't be going. You really can't force her. You'll surely still have a break with the other kids gone? It could be really nice for the two of you to have some one-on-one time???

livinginwonderland · 05/06/2013 09:20

My parents used to try and force me to do these things and I absolutely hated it. At thirteen my mum tried to book the usual camp (for the whole summer - gah!) and I flat-out refused to go and thankfully my dad agreed that I didn't have to go if I didn't want to. It was the first summer I really enjoyed in ages.

These camps are the kind of things parents want their kids to do, but most kids absolutely hate them. If she doesn't want to go, please don't make her. She's 14 and perfectly capable of entertaining herself for a week.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 05/06/2013 09:44

gawd, spidey. reading a lot of these responses makes me think you should definitely make her go, tbh. when did fourteen year olds get so indulged? do agree, though, that a pal to go with would be good.
my own experience is of being veeeery reluctant to go on a camp when i was 16, but my mum told me to stop moaning and get on with it. totally out of my comfort zone, all new things... absolutely loved it and made friends that i still have today.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 05/06/2013 09:45

(and also scored a nice boyfriend)

Callofthefishwife · 05/06/2013 09:53

I can sympathise. My 14yo DD does little but hog the sofa. I cannot get her budge. She would refuse something like this but if it was booked she would be going end of.

She will probably enjoy it - but dont expect her to actually let on to you that she did.

renaldo · 05/06/2013 09:54

I wish my mum had pushed me to do more as a teen, I missed out on a lot as I always said no as I was lazy. Send her, appeal to her better nature and offer a small bribe