DD and family are asking me not to use mumsnet

[Minifingers]

My 13 year old DD has stalked me across mumsnet - logging on to my settings and searching my history to see what I've written about her. I've tried to cover my tracks by clearing my history and occasionally name changing, but she's seen quite a lot of what I've written. She is furious that I'm talking about her on an internet board and has asked me to stop. I have explained that I've had fantastic advice and support from this board which at times has been sanity-saving for me, and that it's all anonymous. No matter. She doesn't want me to talk about her here, or to phone parent line and discuss our problems there either.

She has support in this from my mother (who is 78, has never used the internet and doesn't understand how boards like this work) and from DH who I suspect feels pretty contemptuous about mn generally. I've not had one family member support me in seeing this board as useful support and advice.

Should add - I have been bought to the edge of despair by dd's behaviour over the last few years. I feel my life is very stressful - I have an autistic child as well as dd and there are times I have felt like I'm hanging on by my fingertips. The thought of not being able to get support or 'talk' to people outside of the family about what we are going through is very upsetting.

But is it wrong of me to carry on using this board if I know DD is accessing it, and if there's no way I can stop her from seeing my posts?

It's becoming a real issue, and dd has raised it with the psychiatrist she is seeing at CAMHS. She says that they have told her that it's wrong for me to write about my family on mumsnet. I doubt they've actually said this, but he may have acknowledged her feeling her privacy has been violated.

Wonder what you think?

OP, I can quite see why your DD might be uncomfortable about being recognised. You can address that by changing how you post. You can address your DD's snooping by password changes, altering browser settings and good security habits, e.g. resetting your browser as soon as you have finished using the computer.

Because I can also see that your daughter is being unreasonable, and manipulative. I personally would not ask the psychiatrist anything: this is a decision you just have to make according to your own judgment about what is right and fair.

The fact that your daughter thinks it is ok to snoop on your internet usage and try to get your mother and husband ranged against you on this is indicative of the problems you face. I think it is very important to assert the fact that you do have autonomy, and your own needs and private space. While your daughter's problems may dominate for understandable reasons, your family life isn't (or shouldn't be) all about her. Don't give in. Even if you do stop posting for a while, or post differently, that's up to you and you don't have to discuss it with her.

"Is it sensible for you to get whatever help you can at the cost of your child?"

It depends on how desperate you are to be honest, him. To extend my oxygen example... If you and your child are in a plane crash and you are both almost unconscious, and you try to help your child first, you will both pass out and perhaps drown when you hit the water. If you help yourself first, you will not pass out, and then you can revive your child. You will have suffered a bit less than your child in order to make sure you both survive.

It is like this when you are parenting an abusive teenager. mini is taking some oxygen for herself; she is not taking all the oxygen. She , is getting some support that may help her cope rather than not-cope; she is not stopping her DD from accessing help herself.

In fact, I would argue that standing up for yourself against your child and defending your own self-respect is a really valuable life-lesson for that child. Children who watch their mothers being doormats are more likely to grow up to be doormats, or to expect mothers generally to be martyrs. Children whose mothers can draw a line and say "Enough! My needs are now as important as yours. I will not allow you to hurt me any more!" are more likely to grow up believing that they themselves have a right to live adult lives respected and free from fear and harm.

Hear Hear Eldridge.

Eldritch, sorry

Just looked at the list, himalayan, and I don't see that its length is relevant seeing that the vast majority of websites are either pure information leaflets or relating to very specific problems that are not relevant to the OP (e.g. the use of medication in pregnancy). Adding another 50 of those wouldn't make it more likely that the OP could get help. I think there is a fair chance if you turn up at a support in pregnancy organisation and ask for help with your 13yo that they will send you on your way.

?Anxiety UK - info for both adults and children suffering from anxiety, as well as for their carers, families and friends- this is an information website, not a chance for the OP to ask for help with her specific problems

?Association for Post Natal Illness - info for women with postnatal illnesses- not relevant

?Association of Child Psychotherapists - help finding child psychotherapists- not relevant, her child is already being seen

?Aware Defeat Depression - info, advice and support for people in Northern Ireland- not relevant unless OP is in Northern Ireland

?Beat - supporting people affected by eating disorders and campaigning on their behalf- not relevant

?British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy - help finding psychotherapy- might be helpful if the OP can afford to pay for them, but not much good if she can't

?Cams Den - NHS site providing resources for parents and teachers to help children understand mental health issues- just an information site

?Depression Alliance - network of self-help groups, plus information and support- possibly helpful if the OP is depressed but not much good for the practical issues

?Depression in Pregnancy - support for women experiencing antenatal depression- not relevant, the OP is not pregnant

?Facing Parenthood - specialist psychotherapy and relationship counselling linked to fertility, pregnancy, birth and parenthood- not relevant

?Maytree - London-based free respite centre for anyone experiencing a suicidal crisis- the OP is not suicidal, she is being attacked

?Mental Health Forum - online space to discuss anything related to mental health- but if she can't discuss it on here, presumably another online forum isn't much good either

?Mental Health Foundation - information for anyone affected by mental health problems- only information website

?Mind - local associations across England and Wales; drop-in centres and counselling this is the only one that looks like a possible, but can be hard to access ime

?MoodGYM - intro to cognitive behavioural therapy, by the Australian National University CBT will only work if the dd agrees to do it

?Perinatal Illness UK - for women with psychological illness during pregnancy or after not relevant

?Post Natal Depression & Puerperal Psychosis - support for new mums and their partners- not relevant

?Rethink - information about medication for mental illness during pregnancy- not relevant

?Royal College of Psychiatrists - accurate information about mental illness after childbirth- not relevant

?Samaritans - trained volunteers provide 24-hour confidential support- yes, good in a crisis, but not someone to lean on longterm

?Sane - help and information for anyone experiencing mental health problems- these may be helpful, or they may not; depends on the specific help they offer and how overstretched they are.

?Scottish Association for Mental Health - services for people in Scotland- not relevant unless the OP is in Scotland

?StepChange Debt Charity - helping people to resolve debt & highlighting the links between debt and mental health- not relevant

?The Birth Trauma Association - support if you have a traumatic birth experience- not relevant

Ok, Ok, I hear you: there is no help available.

"The OP certainly doesn't have to cope with this until her child is 18. The child needs to go to a safe place where she can be helped to grow up and become a functional adult. I know there are going to be shouts of "There are no such places" but that is not true."

Hahahahaha! Oh him, I had been taking you seriously up 'til this point. I thought you were well meaning but naive. However, this post is ridiculous and offensive. For a start you are implying that mini's DD is somehow unsafe at home, which we have absolutely no evidence for. And for a second, you reveal enormous ignorance if you think SS are going to take DD into care under these circumstances. They are not.

Anecdotally... When I finally had my DS arrested and charged for assaulting me - and the last time I had seen him he had been waving a knife at me and my younger son, and the last contact I had had with him was when he texted me to say I was a cunt for 'having him' arrested and it was all my fault - the police and SS still expected me to have him straight home with no support. When I refused, they told me it was time to "face my parental responsibilities".

If I hadn't had MN to come to then, I might have believed them. Thankfully, there were other people here who told me their similar experiences and helped me cope and find a way through.

It's like when I was trying to get hold of help for my physically disabled dd and people kept turniing up with leaflet for learning difficulties: those charities wouldn't and couldn't help me, but somehow their existence was proof that I could get help if only I wanted to.

himalayan, I keep asking you what your actual experience is of trying to access help and you are not answering

since you claim to know that there is a plethora of help available, I would expect you at least to confirm that you know this of your own knowledge

I have received far more help than some of the other posters on here

the reason for this is that my dd is a gentle soul who will turn the knife against herself and not against others

I am not saying that I prefer it that way

but at least it means she can get the help she so badly needs- and that we can all get help as a family

Your DD shouldn't be using your computer if she can't be trusted not to check up on you.

IIWM, I would set up a new email address, and open a new MN account that she would have no access too.

I would also use a proxy browser so that there was no trace of MN on the computer at all.
this is my favourite proxy browser and how I use MN on my work computer

Everyone needs somewhere to vent and get anonymous advice. MN is great for that. It has helped me and so many others. There is no way I would have it up just because my family told me to.

I should have explained.

A proxy browser is basically a browser in a browser.
Is a site that allows you to view other sites through it, kind of like an website browser.

You can also set your Internet browser to 'secret browsing' most have an option in their settings. It means none of the history is saved while you browse.

I agree with Znaika. If you are complaining that she is a very angry child - have you thought about why she might feel angry?

Is there any evidence that the OPs dd's anger issues do not predate the OP's posts about her?

And the fact that she has mentioned her dd's puberty anonymously on a forum where numerous other posters discuss and ask for advice re their children's puberty would hardly seem enough to explain the level of violence and abuse levelled at her. Or else, why aren't all the other Mners being hit and locked out of their homes?

There are countless such posts on MN- why pick on the OP particularly?

Presumably the OP did not know that her dd would be logging into MN when she wrote that post.

The point about the OP is that her family have asked her to stop broadcasting their personal lives. If she doesn't respect their boundaries, how the hell can she expect them to respect hers?

Oh himalayan, you are so, so, so wrong. You clearly have no idea whatsoever what it is like.

I hope you never have to find out.

Caring for someone who needs you, someone you love, someone for whom you have often been the only champion and protector, because there is so little support - and that person being your abuser - is exhausting and devastating.

The best possible thing for this 13 year old is for her mother to receive the support she needs so that she can carry on coping.

Maryz, now I understand better why you started that Teenagers support thread. It must be heartbreaking to be in this position with a truly difficult set of issues with your child, and have a succession of posters come on, scoff, criticise and say 'Oh for heaven's sake, it's all perfectly simple...' or 'You're doing it all wrong' with little or no compassion for the poster.

MN is only as anonymous as the ability or skill of users to cover their tracks.

Bonsoir Mon 03-Jun-13 11:47:22
"The point about the OP is that her family have asked her to stop broadcasting their personal lives. If she doesn't respect their boundaries, how the hell can she expect them to respect hers?"

But the whole treatment offered to the dd by CAHMS consists in her being allowed to say whatever she likes about the mother without the mother having a chance to rebut it or even know what is being said. The dd has to be allowed to say what she needs, even if some of it may give the professionals a totally distorted image of what is going on, because being allowed to speak freely is essential to her treatment.

If the mother put it any plea for her personal boundaries to be respected there, she would be seen as sabotaging her dd's treatment.

So no, the mother cannot expect her personal boundaries to be respected; that was never going to happen.

Of course, cory. The DD is allowed to reveal her innermost feelings in confidence and in a safe place. They aren't going to be broadcast on the internet to millions of strangers.