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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Would you let 14yr old DD and 14yr old BF go upstairs?

26 replies

SecondhandRose · 17/05/2013 09:57

Well that is it really. I am not letting them go upstairs alone into her bedroom. They are having a physical relationship, I have no idea how far it has gone. She is giving me all sorts of verbal abuse because of this.

OP posts:

livinginwonderland · 17/05/2013 10:40

i was allowed so long as the door was open, and my mum had a habit of having to do necessary chores which involved walking past my door at regular intervals, or which involved walking to my room to collect laundry/put laundry away/etc.

when ARE you planning on letting her? you can't confine them to the living room forever.

Original poster

SecondhandRose · 17/05/2013 10:59

We have a town house and she is on the top floor with the spare room so no use saying the door needs to be open.

Well I think that 14 is too young to be having a sexual relationship and I don't want to encourage it by letting her think it is OK here. There is a lot more to life.

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 17/05/2013 11:03

The thing is "a sexual relationship" covers everything from snogging up to full intercourse. Most 14yos are not totally asexual, and are not in totally non-sexual relationships. They go out with each other because they find each other attractive, which is basically about sex.

I agree they shouldn't be going all the way at 14, but if you have brought her up to understand that then hopefully she'll not take things too far.

What are you planning to do? Not let her have the fun of a boyfriend trying to unhook her bra till she's 16?

Steffanoid · 17/05/2013 11:08

I wouldn't let her, but you have to think if they cant do it somewhere safe they will find a way somewhere else, might be worth trying to find out if she's on the pill, if not get her on it and give her condoms too, they will find a way if thats where tgey want to take things, if you take her for tge pill it's showing you trust her and treat her like an adult and if you throw in a casual chat at tge same time about being an adult she may reconsider

oscarwilde · 17/05/2013 11:18

If she wants to have sex, she is going to find somewhere or sometime to do it when she can't be supervised.
I'd concentrate on showing her the reality of what it would be like to be pregnant/have a baby to look after 24x7/sexually transmitted diseases and the actual failure rates of contraceptives rather than the glossy claims by the manufacturers.
I grew up in a country where abortion was and still is illegal, where access to contraceptives was difficult and lost my virginity at 20. Not because I didn't have the desire or the opportunity to do so earlier but for me the risk of an unwanted pregnancy was too high. I had sex when I felt I could cope with the emotional and practical reality of a contraceptive failure and made damn sure it didn't occur

livinginwonderland · 17/05/2013 11:25

my bedroom was the same as your daughters - top floor, but my mum still made a habit of coming upstairs, and if she knows you can and will walk past at any time, she's more likely to stay sensible and safe, especially if you lay out punishments for closing the door, for example.

fourteen year olds aren't asexual - like amuminscotland said, they get together because they find each other attractive. yes, i would agree that it's too young to be having sex, but when i was that age, it was more about him trying to undo my bra, awkward fumbles and holding hands.

what do you mean by "physical" - sex, or just kissing and some groping? like most teenagers

lljkk · 17/05/2013 11:28

I have a 13yo boy & I think I would insist on door staying open (probably by some precisely to the mm measured gap) the whole time he had a female visitor.

secretscwirrels · 17/05/2013 15:24

Not if she gave me verbal abuse that's for sure.
I did let DS and his GF go upstairs when they were 14. Door wide open, lots of reasons for me to pop in unannounced. And we talked about sex (not that they were doing anything).

bigTillyMint · 17/05/2013 15:34

Good question! DD will be 14 in 2mths and her bf will be 15 in 3mths.

They are allowed to go upstairs - mainly to the loft to play xbox (often with DS in tow playing gooseberry!) and I have said bedroom doors left open - we may pop in at any moment!

I have seen them holding hands, but nothing more. I have no idea how much more physical their relationship is, but DD has said to me that she is not ready for anything yet. We have always been very keen to make sure the DC know that they can talk to us about sex stuff...

I would love some advice on how to chat a bit more with DD about this - we have a good relationship, but it's hard to know what words to say to start the conversation without it being awkward

secretscwirrels · 17/05/2013 15:50

bigTillyMint well I have boys and it's never less than excruciating. However I grit my teeth and plough in. I hate this bit of parenting teenage boys but it has to be done. DS1 used to roll his eyes and say I was obsessed with sex .

GetOrfMoiLand · 17/05/2013 15:53

I would do bugger all if she gave me verbal abuse, and her mates wouldn't be allowed in the house.

She needs to behave with respect and be rude.

That said, I would let her upstairs but say the door must be left open - that is what I did with dd when she was 14/15.

teenagetantrums · 17/05/2013 16:29

I made my daughter leave her door open with her boyfriend at that age, we live in a flat so no chance of them getting up to anything, they had sex anyway, not in my house but they found a way, I think you are right don't make it to easy for them. oh and make sure she is taking precautions

bigTillyMint · 17/05/2013 16:33

SO how do I launch into the convo? Please?

Startail · 17/05/2013 16:43

I do insist on DD1(15) leaving the door open and not climbing up in her bunk with her 14y male friend.

She looked [shocked] never dawned on her anyone might think THAT. I knew they were playing computer games, but if their respective younger sisters said they'd been in bed together, heaven knows what the village gossips would say.

They really are just friends, have been a very long time.

Should they ever choose to be more than freinds, neither is so daft as to do it in plain sight.

GetOrfMoiLand · 17/05/2013 16:57

Tilly, I know this sounds daft but I chatted with dd about such things when in the car driving along. Somehow not having eye contact made it easy for us both.

I just started 'now you and I are close and I want you to feel that I can talk to you...' And say stuff like she knows why you want the door open, you can remember being a teenager and what happens, but you are mum and you need to make sure she is safe and happy. She will probably say SHURRUP mum but you can both have embarrassed giggles about it. Well that's what me and dd did,

Strange but dd is 17 now and her boyfriend stays over regularly and it feels perfectly fine. They have been together for 2 years or so and is all very laid back. It was a strange transition period though for a while, difficult this growing up bit!

secretscwirrels · 17/05/2013 16:57

DS1's best friend is a girl and not a girlfriend, it's good for them both I think.
bigTillyMint You pin her down and say " I want to discuss relationships, sex and contraception."
Praps you should start a thread?
There are lots of wise and experienced parents on the teenage board.
And as this is mumsnet you will also get advice from lots of parents whose children are still tiny and they have idealistic plans for how they will parent teenagers. And those who remember being a teenager....

Fairylea · 17/05/2013 16:59

I'm reading all this in terror... dd is 10. All this to come!! Dreading it!

monikar · 17/05/2013 17:08

It is awkward to start with, but it does get easier. You can start the conversation by talking about something you have both seen on a soap, or other tv programme, or something you have read in the newspaper, then ask them what they think about the situation and what they would do.

My DD is 17 and tells me some rather shocking things that people have told her at school. I have learned that the key to keeping the lines of communication open is to maintain a neutral expression, never judge and never be openly shocked even if inside I am thinking omg.

I agree with the idea of talking in the car as the least embarrassing location for these conversations. I am driving so have something to do and DD doesn't have to look directly at me while we are talking. Also, in the car, there is no opportunity for her to 'leave the conversation'.

tallulah · 17/05/2013 17:26

My mum would never let me take boyfriends upstairs... so we had sex in the dining room or outside...

bigTillyMint · 17/05/2013 17:53

Monikar, that's what I was hoping, but the news stories never seem to coincide with when it's a possibly good moment - you know how it can be with teens! And, yes, DD has come out with some frankly quite shocking stories too (given the age of the girls) which gave me the opportunity to talk around that, but that was before the bf really!

GetOrf, I only seem to do short car journeys when it is the two of us, but was thinking of cake shop chat, discreetly, obvs! I like your line. And she will probably just tell me to shurrup!

secretscwirrels · 17/05/2013 18:08

monikar maintain a neutral expression absolutely.
I find this works well for both DS1 and DS2 who is 15. They tell me some hair raising tales of sex and drugs and alcohol, safe in the knowledge that I won't judge them for telling me and I won't leap in and assume they are involved.
We live in the sticks so lots of long car journeys (which I will miss when DS1 passes his test). Conversations when you are side by side doing something such as preparing food work well. Less eye contact and blushing.

lljkk · 17/05/2013 19:04

If it's any consolation, Tilly, I have to do these chats with a DS (DH will NOT be up for it). Luckily no girlf in sight although several heavy flirting relationships. Every time I hear some online horror story I blithely pass it on to warn him to be careful. Like..... the lad who was skyping a bunch of girls on a sleepover. They pressured him to "do something he shouldn't". Just seemed like a laugh, until he found out one of them had filmed it all and merrily redistributed the footage to others.

DeafLeopard · 18/05/2013 16:17

If I was getting abuse then the answer would be no and there would be consequences for it.

If she was mature enough to discuss it and behave nicely then I would agree to the door being left open and then hang around upstairs

sashh · 19/05/2013 04:58

I was NEVER allowed a boy in my bedroom, right up to leaving home.

But for some reason I was allowed to have anyone I wanted in the front room, alone, door locked.

She probably just wants a snog in peace. Let her have him up there and keep the door open. Send younger child on errands

englishrosie · 19/05/2013 21:23

If they're already having a physical relationship then why are you whimpering about them going upstairs? If they're gonna shag they're gonna shag.

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