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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Well shit. I handled that one badly.

455 replies

survivingthechildren · 16/04/2013 12:19

Oh Christ what have I done. First post here, but have really blown it and could use some advice.

Just minutes ago I had a major fracas with DS(15). It was that bloody xbox that did it. Things have steadily been going down hill for months - cheek, not helping with chores, have to nag to get everything done, fighting 24/7 with family... We always follow through, try to have natural consequences, yanno from parenting 101.

But tonight (we live in NZ), DS is in the attic where we have a sort of teen hideout, playing on xbox live. We've been entertaining the neighbours and DS has been a disgrace all night. Grunting when spoken to, sulked because we asked him to eat at the table and not up in the den, swore at DS and I. I was mortified. And so so furious. Even writing those words now is making me sweat with rage.

So after they head home I go to have a word. Consequence will be no xbox for 5 days. I'm talking to DS, he jams him headset back on, gives me this horrible sneer, and them says "you don't control me bitch". Then he turns back to the screen and says to his mate "sorry, I was just putting my mother in her place".

The red mist just descended.

I went straight over to that fucking machine and threw it out the window. It's now lying smashed to pieces on the path.

Oh shit shit shit. Still not a good way to handle things. I'm now swinging between frothing wildly at the mouth and wanting to you upstairs and blast him, and wanting to slap myself for blowing my cool so spectacularly.

DS is in shock and hasn't emerge since I stormed from the room.

Do I go up and talk?

Oh God. Can't I just go back and make a better, calmer decision?

OP posts:
Crutchlow35 · 16/04/2013 13:44

Another who thinks you have done the right thing.

I also think a very stern discussion tomorrow. No apologies. No more X Box ever until he learns manners and respect. Good luck.

Whitewineformeplease · 16/04/2013 13:45

You are a legend

Angelico · 16/04/2013 13:47

I got the rage just reading it. I think he was bloody lucky you only threw the fecking X-Box out the window! Do NOT apologise unless he apologises for what he said.

TeeBee · 16/04/2013 13:47

Blu, I'm loving the 'calm, clear and deadly'.

racingheart · 16/04/2013 13:47

Maybe you could have handled it better, but his behaviour was so horrendous that he needed a shock tactic that over-rode it. You provided that. Better, of course, than hitting him.

Don't apologise, and work hard to get him to understand you're human too, with human fallibility and break points.

I don't think shock tactics are such a bad thing. If you regularly had physical fights and smashed things up to make a point, that would be a sign something has broken down, but the occasional dramatic act can work. Hope this one did. Not sure how I'd react if my son spoke to me or about me in this way but it would probably be close to what you did.

Angelico · 16/04/2013 13:50

And I agree with Erebus here. I know from teaching teens that if you are generally laid back with kids on the rare occasion you do lose it (be that for real or as a performance) it has instant Shock factor :o Ineffective parents / teachers shout and rage all the time - and it loses all power. Pulling it out as a big gun on the other hand... Wink

FeckOffCup · 16/04/2013 13:51

I don't think you did the wrong thing OP and I think it's totally different to one spouse/partner doing that to another, not really comparable. It's a parent's job to teach their child morals and manners sometimes by punishing them, it's not anyone's job to punish their partner, you can always leave them if their behaviour is unacceptable.

msrisotto · 16/04/2013 13:51

I saw red just reading that too! What an attitude! I think I would get his father to speak to him, and tell him that he needs to be providing a grovelling apology to you right now.

miggy · 16/04/2013 13:52

respect!
I think we should get T shirts printed with your picture on it as a symbol of the revolution :)
and yes I have a 16yr old DS with an xbox....

piratecat · 16/04/2013 13:52

well he can go to a mates house now and play xbox can't he, wonder if he'd be as rude to his mates mother.

it's not even rude it's sheer contempt.

milkwasabadchoice · 16/04/2013 13:55

Wow he was SO rude! I can't believe. He said that to you. I think a lesson that his actions and words can cause harm/have consequences, and that you cannot be spoken to like that, was in order. Think you delivered that lesson pretty effectively. It's ok to get really angry, IMHO, and to really show it, as long as you don't use violence against him personally!

lucysmam · 16/04/2013 13:56

another one who thinks you did right! the Shock factor of you spectacularly launching it out of the window will hopefully have made your ds think about his actions and their consequences in future

and i agree, don't buy a new one!! if you feel like getting a new one at some point then fair enough, but put it in a family-used area and limit screen time

interested to see what comes of this Smile

redwellybluewelly · 16/04/2013 13:58

As someone said above I agree rhe only downside would be him seeing this as an aggressive act.

However I'd have done the exact same thing. How dare he speak to you like that and also how dare he speak about you and like that?!

I hate xBox, my DH has one and although it is now rarely played it has still been responsible for many of our bitter arguments.

IAmNotAMindReader · 16/04/2013 14:03

This incident is a prime time to sit him down and explain how his disrespect of you and potentially women in general is pretty poor behaviour. It may not have been the proudest moment you've had but it may have been enough to shock him out of the mysoginistic women are bitches and ho's type attitude which is curently so prevelant that he was starting to slide into.

Shellywelly1973 · 16/04/2013 14:04

You definitely did the right thing!!

Some people might consider your behaviour a good example BUT

Its all well & good for people to have opinions on raising children but they have no idea how annoying the little sods can be!!

Your post made me gasp & laugh! Legend.

MadAboutHotChoc · 16/04/2013 14:04

wow..I am in awe!

DS had an xbox and it caused a lot of arguments and I have been sorely tempted to chuck it out and he wasn't even as rude, sexist or contemptous as your DS was.

I agree its probably not your finest moment but you are only human.

Shellywelly1973 · 16/04/2013 14:05

That's meant to be not a good example!

TheCatInTheHairnet · 16/04/2013 14:06

I actually laughed out loud when I read that. Just imagining his face and I'm still sniggering.

And completely agree with the poster who said better he learns an obnoxious, smart mouth can get you into trouble by the death of an XBox, as opposed to a broken jaw in a pub fight.

Machli · 16/04/2013 14:07

Good for you OP. good for you! Can you begin to imagine how much more unbearable he would be if you hadn't gone in hard like that?

GreenEggsAndNichts · 16/04/2013 14:08

Please don't think you're "teaching him that this is acceptable behaviour." Read all of the responses. He already WAS disrespectful to the main woman in his life (you). If he felt he could call you a bitch, and 'put you in your place', he was already heading for an adulthood of thinking women were people meant to be put in their place, by him.

Trust me. This is not the time to be touchy feely. Law needs to be laid down. This should be something he laughs about as a well-adjusted adult "boy I remember that time I called mum a bitch, I'll never forget that day.."

He needed this shock. Please no letter writing. United front with you and DH about what is acceptable in your house. Good luck.

fuzzpig · 16/04/2013 14:11

Absolutely right IMO, it will have a massive impact on you because there's no way he would've expected it.

Don't back down and definitely don't replace it.

stealthsquiggle · 16/04/2013 14:12

OP - in the long distant future when the xbox is replaced (by DS), or more immediately if he has other devices, the best bit of advice I ever had (from a colleague) is "he/she who controls the router is king/queen". He has his broadband router set up so that each of his teenagers' connections shuts down at their nominated bedtime. In your case, you could cut DS off altogether and then allow him, perhaps, to earn back connectivity - and, for example, if you have visitors then the network will be off for the duration.

.... just make sure you set a good secure password on the router Wink

ParmaViolette · 16/04/2013 14:15

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deleted203 · 16/04/2013 14:17

Agree absolutely with all those saying you must have a united front with you and DH making it clear in no uncertain terms that he does not ever ever speak to any woman in that way again. And that it will never be tolerated in your home.

He is in big trouble and needs to know it.

And he got exactly what he asked for, my dear. Anything less than such a spectacular explosion would have allowed him the upper hand.

moonabove · 16/04/2013 14:22

What he said was absolutely despicable.

The great thing about the way you reacted was that it was completely proportionate to what he did and so ended the matter there and then. What was the alternative? Get into a terrible screaming argument along with your dh that would traumatise your other dc and fester for ages afterwards.

He has learned a valuable lesson - that everyone has a limit to the shit they will tolerate and that includes his parents.