Well shit. I handled that one badly.

[survivingthechildren]

Oh Christ what have I done. First post here, but have really blown it and could use some advice.

Just minutes ago I had a major fracas with DS(15). It was that bloody xbox that did it. Things have steadily been going down hill for months - cheek, not helping with chores, have to nag to get everything done, fighting 24/7 with family... We always follow through, try to have natural consequences, yanno from parenting 101.

But tonight (we live in NZ), DS is in the attic where we have a sort of teen hideout, playing on xbox live. We've been entertaining the neighbours and DS has been a disgrace all night. Grunting when spoken to, sulked because we asked him to eat at the table and not up in the den, swore at DS and I. I was mortified. And so so furious. Even writing those words now is making me sweat with rage.

So after they head home I go to have a word. Consequence will be no xbox for 5 days. I'm talking to DS, he jams him headset back on, gives me this horrible sneer, and them says "you don't control me bitch". Then he turns back to the screen and says to his mate "sorry, I was just putting my mother in her place".

The red mist just descended.

I went straight over to that fucking machine and threw it out the window. It's now lying smashed to pieces on the path.

Oh shit shit shit. Still not a good way to handle things. I'm now swinging between frothing wildly at the mouth and wanting to you upstairs and blast him, and wanting to slap myself for blowing my cool so spectacularly.

DS is in shock and hasn't emerge since I stormed from the room.

Do I go up and talk?

Oh God. Can't I just go back and make a better, calmer decision?

Well done op, magnificent work.

I think wait til tomorrow, and make sure you don't replace that Xbox. He can get himself a little job to buy a new one.

He can have his meals downstairs at the table with everyone else.

And any more smart alec comments, and he can lose more privileges.

And make sure he's grounded, so just can't swan off to his friends to use their Xbox

Freddie
What you said is what I'd put in the letter, and more. i just think he'd have time to think and reflect if it's written down, rather than just defending himself or getting angry/shutting down straight away if op is is trying to talk to him.

And I do think people tend to behave worst towards those close to them when they have problems elsewhere, that's why I'd like to know what he's thinking to make him think it's alright to behave like that.

Wow, that made me feel quite ragey just reading that! You did the right thing.

I had to post simply because I have never seen such an overwhelming display of support.

He was horrendously rude - beyond rude actually - he was abusive.

I have no idea how things will go but I can't imagine he will call OP a bitch again!

As a teen I remember my mum hauling the telephone right out of the wall while I was talking to a friend on it. I was utterly gobsmacked but she did make her point!

Perfectly acceptable response. Good for you OP.

Agree - don't replace and let him earn enough money himself to replace it.

An xbox is a privilege not a right.

you did good OP! my dad once threw my brothers TV out of the window

stay firm , he behaved disgustingly and it was fit punishment

What you taught him, right there when the red mist descended, was that if he calls a woman a bitch, if he thinks he's entitled to put her in her place there are, even from the calmest, most sensible women, consequences.

Ones that he will not like.

Well done you!

And don't apologise.

I don't think there's anything wrong with losing your temper with a teenager on very rare occasions when they have really crossed a line. If the OP was regularly destroying her ds's possessions if he misbehaved then obviously it would be a different story, but it's the very fact that it's out of character for the OP that makes it such an understandable thing to do.

I bet once he's grown out of being an 'orrible teenager that this story will pass into family folklore as 'the time that Mum lost it and threw the x-box out of the window'. My best friend as a child once wound her mum up so much that she chased her round the house with a wooden stool. Sounds horrific, but knowing her mum and her family very well, it was actually just bloody hilarious and we still laugh about it now

Well done Op, no judging here, I feel quite proud of you actually!

Good for you! I'd have done absolutely the same. I would certainly not be apologising or replacing the x box.

The only thing I would be doing is saying to him once I'd calmed down. 'You do not ever speak to me in that way again. Who do you think you are?' And I would be expecting an apology and a lot of grovelling. He would be grounded, with complete loss of privileges.

As someone else said, he'd have also lost his 'teenage den' now. It would become a room that others can use.

He sounds appallingly entitled, TBH. I've never had one of my teens speak to me like that. And they wouldn't bloody dare be so rude round the neighbours, either. Manners and courtesy are expected at all times.

Think you handled it very well, personally.

Total respect OP.

I have done similar before now, bagged it up and chucked it in the bin
thrown the games out of the window

tbh it worked. It worries them, they love their xboxes

Another high five from me.

It will do him good, he needs to know he can't behave like that. I wouldn't be getting him a new either he can wait for a birthday or Christmas

Another one who doesn't think you did the wrong thing. You didn't abuse him, you abused an Xbox, which he was using to abuse you. Absolutely no more Xbox, ever. He has to feel the full weight. His actions towards you.
I think you and your DH need to stand absolutely resolutely together on this and come down on him like an absolute ton of bricks. His behaviour is utterly, utterly unacceptable and he clearly needs that line drawn very, very strongly for him. How you both handle this will be so important. Has he apologised at all?

Absolutely bloody marvellous, well done op. He is a child who has no right to speak to you like that and am sure he is either having a good think about his behaviour or calling you black and blue on his mobile to his friends. Don't replace the xbox and to be perfectly honest don't let him replace it either, your house your rules and its about time he started showing some respect!!

Well done op!
Pretty sure I would have done exactly the same thing.

Really not looking forward to the teenage years..

I think he's lucky you didn't smash the blasted thing over his head!
Not that I would recommend or condone that, but he behaved disgustingly badly.

You did good.

I think you did the right thing OP.

I don't think you should apologise at all.

I also think he should be told that an attitude like that will not be tolerated, and if it continues, his other possessions will end up with the Xbox. He needs to apologise, and really mean it.

Perhaps he should read this thread and see just how unreasonable he is being.

I am always a bit here on MN when some posters say 'You should never, never raise your voice to a child', finger busy wagging presumably. If I'd applied that in my household, I still be trying to get my now 11 and 13 year old DSs to listen to me to put on their macs and wellies so we could walk to playgroup! Sometimes, I personally think it's very important for DC (by which I mean 'old enough to know better') to hear mummy 'lose it', for several reasons: It reminds DC that you are a fellow human deserving of some respect; It reminds them who's in charge; judiciously and carefully used, it can have an amazing, instantaneous 'poor behaviour modification' bonus. And it can help them, in a safe environment, discover that if they shoot their mouths of in an arrogant, rude and deeply disrespectful manner, there can be unfortunate consequences. Better to learn that at home that outside a pub on a Friday night, I'd say. A smashed XBox is still a better outcome than a smashed jaw.

I have 'lost it' maybe twice since my 2 were say 6 or 7, so once every 3 or so years. It has always been spectacularly successful .

OP, tell your son I'll lend him my name for 6 months. I don't mind being XBoxSucks for 6 months.

I hope this has the necessary impact on your ds! I am not looking forward to the teenage years but think I might show this thread to my dc, timely warning?

Yes to all above who gave said there should be a follow-up massive loss of privileges as well as a need for an apology. Do not even entertain the idea that you should be sorry for the loss of his beloved XBox. He clearly didn't deserve it, and he needs to take a very very long time to rebuild trust.

It's a shame that his siblings will suffer because of him, but it's a learning experience for all of them.

I think you and your DH should speak to your DS together.
Calm, clear and deadly.
Your DH needs to back you up and emphasise from a man's pov that talking about women like that will not happen on your house again. And that he needs to learn some respect generally. And that if he wants to replace his X-Box it will require an apology and money earned per hour doing a mixture of formerly / traditionally mens' and women's jobs around the home.
And in any case he won't be out of his room except for school until there has been a full and heartfelt apology.

Good luck.

I would also have been apoplectic.

What games is he playing, or company is he keeping, to be grandsatnding and showing off in that sexist way?

I honestly don't think you should be paying him to do chores to replace an Xbox you don't even want there in the first place. I think it should be gone for good. I also don't think it will hurt that the others don't have it either. A good lesson will have been learnt today, if you disrespect your mother, there will be hell to pay. Have you ever known any child failing to survive life through the absence of an Xbox? Thought not.