Well shit. I handled that one badly.

[survivingthechildren]

Oh Christ what have I done. First post here, but have really blown it and could use some advice.

Just minutes ago I had a major fracas with DS(15). It was that bloody xbox that did it. Things have steadily been going down hill for months - cheek, not helping with chores, have to nag to get everything done, fighting 24/7 with family... We always follow through, try to have natural consequences, yanno from parenting 101.

But tonight (we live in NZ), DS is in the attic where we have a sort of teen hideout, playing on xbox live. We've been entertaining the neighbours and DS has been a disgrace all night. Grunting when spoken to, sulked because we asked him to eat at the table and not up in the den, swore at DS and I. I was mortified. And so so furious. Even writing those words now is making me sweat with rage.

So after they head home I go to have a word. Consequence will be no xbox for 5 days. I'm talking to DS, he jams him headset back on, gives me this horrible sneer, and them says "you don't control me bitch". Then he turns back to the screen and says to his mate "sorry, I was just putting my mother in her place".

The red mist just descended.

I went straight over to that fucking machine and threw it out the window. It's now lying smashed to pieces on the path.

Oh shit shit shit. Still not a good way to handle things. I'm now swinging between frothing wildly at the mouth and wanting to you upstairs and blast him, and wanting to slap myself for blowing my cool so spectacularly.

DS is in shock and hasn't emerge since I stormed from the room.

Do I go up and talk?

Oh God. Can't I just go back and make a better, calmer decision?

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Freecycle her, Floggingmolly?

[TimeIsACurrency]

Just wanted to add to the applause. I think you're awesome.
I'm also taking notes

[survivingthechildren]

balloonslayer well that's what I was talking about when I said I handled it badly. We all blow our cool from time to time, but that was a major one from me.

Am I teaching him that this sort of thing is acceptable? That he can treat women like this?

Well, I think I will head to bed. Maybe a game plan will come to me in my sleep. I'll update you lot once I've spoken to DS tomorrow.

Thanks again for the help!

[ChuffMuffin]

survivingthechildren If I could I would hi five you right now!

Don't be replacing the xbox either, if he wants a new one he can get a part time job to pay for it. That's another good lesson for him to learn!

[CarpeVinum]

This the moment to start talking about militry style boarding school. Right now he'll be too shocked and off kilter to assume it is a bluff and might just get scared enough to wonder if potential consequences are worth the puff chested, rude as hell posturing.

He was pushing at boundries to see where they really lie these days. He kind of got his answer faster and more clearly than he expected.

[landofsoapandglory]

Well done you! I am so glad everyone agrees you did the right thing! I bet the look on his face was priceless!

My 2DC (18&16) respect us value their belongings far too much to talk to us like that!

[absentmindeddooooodles]

This made me chuckle. I think you handled the situation rather bloody well!!!

[colditz]

Um, I don't think you handled that badly at all. Handling it badly would have been you ignoring the comment and pussy footing around, you have disciplined him. An x box is a privilege, not a right, you didn't throw his bed out of the window. I cannot believe how rude he was!

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Balloon, would the DW in question have been on the phone with a friend saying "go away, dickhead" to her DH and then saying that she'd put him in his place?

I think if the DH had snatched the phone and smashed it after that display of contempt, he would be getting some sympathy on here, actually.

[yaimee]

Another who thinks you handled it well!

[Asinine]

Although i agree that op had a totally understandable and instinctive response to her ds appalling behaviour, I doubt this will be the end of the problem.

Op said things had been going downhill for a while. I would say that he should be off the internet unless needed for school work and using the time to eat with and engage with the family until he shows that he is properly sorry for the way he's behaving.

If I was the OP I'd be writing him a letter (to avoid a shouting match) about how he is behaving and how it is affecting me and the family, and how I'm concerned about him, love him etc, Also include all his positive qualities, past or present and how I hope for things to improve now and in the medium and long term. I'd ask for a reply, too, especially how he's feeling about life in general.

One other thought, is there any chance he's been using any drugs?

[Corygal]

Smart move, mutha.

You're my hero of the day.

Would have ached to see Ds' face...

[garlicyoni]

Disclaimer: I'm interested in this because of my own 'journey' wrt rage. I do feel your punishment fit the crime! When you said "the red mist descended", do you mean you were honestly out of control? That's the kind of thing I've worked hard not to do any more. I do 'rage' when necessary, though, it's just that I take an extra split second to do it deliberately, iyswim, rather than being controlled by my inner alligator. And, yeah, I hope I would have smashed the console - the control would have seen me marching round the room pulling out the plugs

Not only was his behaviour unacceptably rude, but his words were highly sexist. If he'd called a woman in the shopping mall "bitch" then bragged to his friend that he put her "in her place", he'd likely be explaining to a policeman by now.

[Borntobeamum]

Good for you!
I'm proud of you x

[QuintessentialOHara]

Well done.

And if the other children moan, explain that they can blame/thank their older brother for this, and you will hear no more talk of gaming. Ever.

[Flisspaps]

I do hope you send him out in the morning to clean it up from the path

[freddiemisagreatshag]

I say to fuck with writing him a letter. And going all touchy feely about are you OK is everything all right. He was being a wee shit with a smart mouth.

The only thing I'd be saying is you're bloody lucky you have a roof over your head.

Head down, mouth shut and work at school time sunshine.

And don't bad mouth your mother.

[cakeandcava]

I think in the circumstances you've described it was totally appropriate to 'overreact' like that. I would absolutely have done the same. Well done you!

[quoteunquote]

please get this postcard, fridge magnet and put them up at eye level all around the house

Well done you, and I would suggest that on no account to ever provide electricity for gaming again,

He will come through it. Just have a total no tolerance to abuse stance and stick to it, it will save his future relationships to learn this now, when he does eventually want to discuss it, explain this is why you will be taking a tough stance.

[garlicyoni]

Love the poster, quote!

[Lemonylemon]

OP: You didn't handle it badly. To have handled it badly would have been to let him get away with it. I have a nealry 16yo DS and believe me, I would have done the very same thing had I been pushed that far...

[GiveMummyTheWhizzer]

May not be textbook parenting and I haven't read the whole thread - but bloody good on you! I think thats brilliant!

Won't be so smart mouthed now will he!

[AllYoursBabooshka]

Bravo!

[sebastianthesingingaubergine]

Sorry, not read the whole thread so there may be updates, but high five OP! I'd have lost my cool too. I think you played it perfectly! Please don't undermine all your good work by apologising or anything today.

[BalloonSlayer]

Yes I wasn't criticising you survivingthechildren, as I said I can imagine doing the same thing myself. It's just that some of the "well he deserved it" "He drove you to it" "I'd have thrown him out of the window" replies remind me of some of the things you read on the relationships board.

Snatch I don't know . . . I am trying to be careful and not saying too much about my own feelings about this. I am just trying to point out that according to womens aid "making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls" are domestic abuse and according to a lot of posters on the relationships board there is NO justification for it.

My personal view was that survivingthechildren and her DS both showed some pretty awful behaviour and they need to talk - it's neither of their finest hours. I think it might turn out well in the end. I just don't think some of the posts on this thread are appropriate.