She's gone - and I don't know where she is.

[anorak]

Some of you know the history of my relationship with my DD1, aged 16. Given the marvellous support I've received here for the last three years, here's the latest.

She moved out 3 1/2 weeks ago into emergency council housing. She asked me to help her move from her emergency digs into a hostel early this week and to sign as guarantor for her.

There was a mix-up over the time and I was too early. She went mad at me on my mobile and refused to try and make the best of things. Told me the whole thing was f**ed.

I warned her she better talk to me as if I were someone she wanted help from and she said it doesn't matter, her dad would sign as guarantor for her. I put the phone down on her and went home. I haven't heard from her since.

Her dad, who we spent all our savings in court defending her from, who was banned from all contact because of his pornographic businesses and his failure to keep them separate from his relationship with her.

I don't know where she is or whether she has accepted help from him or not. All the friends who know her and me have told me not to capitulate and that I should have been tougher with her long ago. I know she will contact me sooner or later to come and collect the rest of her things.

I'm keeping very busy and keeping my head above water most of the time. But at night when I lie in bed and it's dark, I wonder where she is and if she is safe. The words 'bad mother' go round and round in my head. I'm heartbroken and I'm just waiting for it to mend.

Thank you to all who've walked this journey with me both in person and on this site. x

I'm with Blu on this, I think she will wake up to the fact that her father is not very nice at some point. In the meantime, big sympathy for you. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.

Anorak with regards blocking numbers you don't know, with BT you have an option to block the last number you received, I had to do it when we first moved here.

Thanks for all your messages.

Serenity it was DD1 who alerted me to his porn activities in the first place, and asked me to let her stop seeing him. Once we knew what was going on, we allowed DD2 to continue with visits in public places if she was escorted. This was not enough for X, who took us to court (costing him nothing as he lied about income and us £10,000) where a judge ruled that he shouldn't have contact. It was all at her instigation so it certainly does feel like a betrayal that she has gone back to him now.

I do agree that she will realise what he is like eventually because he will follow his characteristic patterns of manipulative behaviour, it is just such a shame she will not listen and so I know she has more hurt to come.

I can only concentrate on protecting DD2. We've talked a lot this afternoon. She feels better if she can ask lots of questions and have things explained to her over and over again.

I will seek out DD1 over the weekend and tell her how much her phone calls are confusing DD2 and ask her to stop referring to her father. I'll have to remind her of the legal side. I'll bear in mind, blu, what you said about not obviously shunning her. You have a good point.

I'll wait and see if she then stops doing it, if not I will have to consult my solicitor

Have just had lunch with DD1. Have explained how confusing DD2 is finding all this and asked her not to phone here from his house or take calls from DD2 on her mobile when she is there.

She says her father is sorry that he caused us so much hassle and wants to make it up to her, says it would make his day complete to have DD2 at his wedding.

I said if he's that sorry why doesn't he call the CSA and tell them he can now pay. He is doing everything I could predict he would do at the moment, attempting to control DD1 and use her as a tool to get at DD2, as far as I can see nothing has changed, he's just manipulating others to get what he wants. I explained that any form of trying to contact DD2 even using DD1 is a breach of the court order and must stop. Said if it doesn't I will contact solicitor.

DD1 says she thinks DD2 is so curious that she will go behind my back if I try and stop her. When I got home I made DD2 promise not to, explained the court order again and told her if I catch her going behind my back I will take away all her money and her mobile phone and make her stay where I can see her all the time. Said when she is 16 and old enough to handle it, then she can see him.

DD1 says he and his girlfriend have introduced her to all her escort friends and they are all very open about what they do for the money. And that is a good thing????

Says she is not going to live in his flat but only stay in it when she is visiting. She says she has no intention of being dependant on him in any way. So perhaps she has listened to me in part.

DD1 working part time and living in a hostel sporting expensive-looking manicure and sunbed tan. ????

It's all as I expect it to be.

Most worrying DD1 says ex is thinking of going back to court to try and get court order reversed. Does anyone know if this is feasible or not?

Anorak it might be worth keeping a record of everything that they are saying doing with your dd1 (in case it goes to court).
What your dd1 is talking about is not the kidn of environement that would be suitable for a 13 year old.

Can I also add that you don't come down really hard on dd2 because of dd1's behaviour please??? I've a sister who completely went off the rails and then did a spectacular disappearance act (albeit the last was several years past the age of your dd1), but I had to wade in and stop my parents being doubly strict with my youngest sister, because of the way the other sister had behaved iyswim.

In the end we dealt with the stroppy sister, by accepting that fine, she was miserable with us, but we did have good times together, and nothing she said could change the fun and closeness we had shared in the past, even thoguh sometimes stroppy sister would lie outright and insist that black was white. Once we all stopped trying to beg and plead with her, she became pretty civil.

Point of post, dd1's behaviour is no reflection on dd2 whatsoever, she sounds by all means to be a lovely young girl, and there's no harm in telling her what you'll do if she over steps the mark.

Yes fuzzywuzzy, that's a good point I was thinking myself I should make a note of all this. IMO it's not suitable for DD1 at age almost 17 either, it all smacks of grooming to me, but I can't protect her any more.

DD2 and I just had another heart to heart and I left her in no doubt how lovely I and everyone thinks she is - and emphasized the point that she is too sweet-natured and trusting to deal with her dad's ways.

From what I gather, she went to the salon with ex's girlfriend. Lots of bonding going on.