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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

She's gone - and I don't know where she is.

109 replies

anorak · 20/04/2006 19:10

Some of you know the history of my relationship with my DD1, aged 16. Given the marvellous support I've received here for the last three years, here's the latest.

She moved out 3 1/2 weeks ago into emergency council housing. She asked me to help her move from her emergency digs into a hostel early this week and to sign as guarantor for her.

There was a mix-up over the time and I was too early. She went mad at me on my mobile and refused to try and make the best of things. Told me the whole thing was f**ed.

I warned her she better talk to me as if I were someone she wanted help from and she said it doesn't matter, her dad would sign as guarantor for her. I put the phone down on her and went home. I haven't heard from her since.

Her dad, who we spent all our savings in court defending her from, who was banned from all contact because of his pornographic businesses and his failure to keep them separate from his relationship with her.

I don't know where she is or whether she has accepted help from him or not. All the friends who know her and me have told me not to capitulate and that I should have been tougher with her long ago. I know she will contact me sooner or later to come and collect the rest of her things.

I'm keeping very busy and keeping my head above water most of the time. But at night when I lie in bed and it's dark, I wonder where she is and if she is safe. The words 'bad mother' go round and round in my head. I'm heartbroken and I'm just waiting for it to mend.

Thank you to all who've walked this journey with me both in person and on this site. x

OP posts:
Christie · 05/05/2006 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sunchowder · 05/05/2006 16:52

Thinking of you too Anorak.

batters · 05/05/2006 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

winnie · 05/05/2006 16:56

anorak, I've just seen your update. How's dh?
How are you?

I am glad dd is talking to you and you are aware of what is going on with her. That is a big thing. I am also glad for both your sakes that she seems to want her relationship with her father to be somewhat removed. That has to be good as you say and maybe this whole episode will mean that she will have to grow up and take some responsibility. But I know that isn't easy for you. As Christie says, take care of yourself too :)

Original poster
anorak · 07/05/2006 11:03

Hi everyone and thanks for your messages. Don't worry about me, I am fine! My DH is well again and is planning to go back to work tomorrow. We've finished doing up our house after six years and will be putting it on the market next week. All I will have to do is keep it clean and tidy to show potential buyers, apart from that my time will be my own. I don't have any question-setting work at the moment and will be able to catch up with all the things I've been wanting to do rather that have to do. I'm looking forward to a pressure-free summer.

I took some bits DD asked for into the shop where she works, left them with a colleague for her, they were saying what a lovely girl she is. I'm glad she's making the best of things anyway.

DS is using her bedroom as a train set room now!

OP posts:
Original poster
anorak · 12/05/2006 08:44

Aaaaargh!

DD1 has been phoning DD2 talking nonstop about her dad. Apparently her dad is giving her a flat. After all her protestations that she wouldn't take anything from him!

I know what will happen, she will give up her job to go and live in this flat, as it is bound to be near him, then he will give her some kind of job, and then she will be completely under his control. I've seen him do this with people so many times in the past. I've warned her but she just won't listen.

And now she keeps ringing DD2 and upsetting her world. She even told her yesterday that her dad wanted to know if she would come to his wedding. The court banned him from contacting her and she is still 13, so this is bang out of order, already he is using DD1 as a go-between. DD1 even rang DD2 from his house last night with baby half-brothers gurgling in the background. It's all mental torture for DD2 who is so upset now that she is taking the day off school. She thinks it is all her fault and that she is going to get her dad into trouble.

I keep telling her he's caused it all and that she had no hand in it but you know how irrational guilt is Sad

I will have to speak to DD1 this weekend and tell her to lay off - which will cause even more of a rift between us and probably force her into secret communications with DD2 and make it all even worse than ever.

OP posts:
Original poster
anorak · 12/05/2006 12:30

Anyone here to chat about this? I was wondering if his using DD1 as a go-between like this breaks the court order? Does anyone know?

OP posts:
dinosaure · 12/05/2006 12:32

Oh Anorak, I don't know I'm afraid. I don't do useful law like family law!

This must be very hard to cope with. Is he still involved in some sort of porn business? Are you afraid that she'll get dragged into something like that? Sad

fairyfly · 12/05/2006 12:38

Sorry Anorak, only just seen this, no advice i'm afraid, just sympathy. If there is anything at all i can do please let me know. erhaps you could send her here for a week or so to get things back into perspective from a distance.

Original poster
anorak · 12/05/2006 12:42

Thanks for talking to me! I know there's probably not a lot anyone can say but it makes me feel better!

I'm not sure if he's still making the films or having the 'fun weekends' at his house but he's admitted to DD1 that she's still working as an escort and he's living off her.

Thanks ff - did you mean DD1 or 2? DD2 has school and DD1 doesn't let me send her anywhere!

OP posts:
serenity · 12/05/2006 12:42

He really is a piece of manipulative shit isn't he Angry

The problem is I'd imagine that your DD1 would deny that your exH had any knowledge that she was putting pressure on DD2, although I'd imagine he probably has something to do with the calls. How is she contacting her sister? If it's on her mobile can you bar DD1's mobile and exH's numbers from it, so DD1 can only ring her via your landline? It might be easier for you to monitor and/or intercept them?

Anorak, your DD will never get trapped under the control of your exH, because she'll always have you to turn to.

Original poster
anorak · 12/05/2006 12:46

Thanks serenity, that's a comforting thought.

DD1 rang on the land line when I was out. I can't really block the numbers since I don't know them (she called from his house)

I'm hoping it won't be neccessary. I plan to seek out DD1 this weekend and have a word with her. If she says it's nothing to do with ex, then she'll have to explain to me why she thought it was a good idea, won't she?

I feel inclined to keep DD1 at arm's length at the moment, I can't handle all this intimacy with her father. Am I being too hard on her?

OP posts:
fairyfly · 12/05/2006 12:46

I supposse either Anorak!

foxinsocks · 12/05/2006 12:47

children can be so influenced by material things - it's so obvious from a distance that he's buying dd1's affections. Yes, I imagine using dd1 to get to dd2 wouldn't be allowed but I also imagine he could tell dd1 to say she did it off her own back.

I don't know what you can do about dd1 - sad though it seems, she's at the age now where you can't really do much Sad. Poor dd2 - I don't really know what to suggest. Has she had any form of counselling to get her to try and understand that she's not at fault?

I do feel for you. He sounds like a right maniupulative sod your ex.

Original poster
anorak · 12/05/2006 12:49

I did ask her if she might go to counselling, she's very confused and feels emotionally pulled all over the place.

Her reply was 'I'm not crazy' Shock

OP posts:
spacedonkey · 12/05/2006 12:51

Sorry to hear this anorak. No advice here either, just sympathy Sad

fairyfly · 12/05/2006 12:51

How would she feel if you went to family counselling and you said it was to help you. Pretend that you're not coping and perhaps you need help dealing with things. Maybe she will go thinking she can sit there and tell everyone how bad you are. I would have loved to havew done that as a child. I wanted sympathy. Then through that she could see it isn't you. If that makes any sense.

foxinsocks · 12/05/2006 12:52

I probably would have said the same at her age. Kids never like thinking they are wrong or misguided Grin

Perhaps you could go with her and then leave her to it - arrange it as if it's more for your benefit?

I don't envy you anorak. How long were you married to him?

dinosaure · 12/05/2006 12:52

Do you think she would go and stay with someone else maybe? I think Fairyfly's suggestion is great!

Original poster
anorak · 12/05/2006 12:54

Are we talking about DD2 here? I was!

DD2 wouldn't say anything bad about us, she is a sweetie. I just want to help her sort out her confused feelings.

I was never married to him, lived with him for 5 years, we split when DD1 was 4 and DD2 a baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
anorak · 12/05/2006 12:58

Already been down the counselling route with DD1, but it was hopeless, she refused to talk. And anyway, she's out of here now, I can't get her to go anywhere or do anything.

Only DD2 is my priority, she is much more of an innocent type of character, very sensitive and gentle. She's feeling guilty because her dad misses her! I keep telling her he got himself in this position by refusing to give up his porn businesses, and that if he wanted to be a good father to her he wouldn't have concealed his considerable income from the CSA either.

I think she is processing it all. But why should she have all this raked up again! She was settled and happy before DD1 started all this up and should have been left alone. Plenty of time to think about her dad when she is grown up.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 12/05/2006 12:59

have you got a lawyer? I think I would speak to them about the contact being made especially if it's really affecting dd2. It's very unfair and you've obviously been working hard to keep it away from dd2 so she can get on with her own life.

serenity · 12/05/2006 13:03

No, I can understand where you're coming from with the intimacy thing. I stopped having a proper relationship with my Dad when I was 18 or so for various reasons. I found it very hard when my DBro starting seeing him a few years ago, it felt like a huge betrayal to me but I'm sure my brother doesn't see it that way. We just don't discuss it. Obviously that's not a option for you, but I think you need to bear in mind that whilst DD1 probably knew what was going on with the court orders and porn etc, she wasn't living it the way you were. She's seeing him through the eyes of a daughter looking at her father, not an adult looking at another adult and seeing all the flaws and weaknesses and being able to make a judgement from that. I wasn't stupid, but I couldn't manage to see beyond the whole father/daughter thing until I was 17ish and then it was a total shock to realise that he was actually a bit of a shit who treated my Mum like dirt (as did I following on from his example, my behaviour to my Mum as a teenager shames me now Sad)

She still very young, don't give up on her because of exH.

apologies for the ramble btw Blush

Blu · 12/05/2006 13:03

Oh Blimey, Anorak, what an awful situation.

tbh (and remember I have no experience of teenagers at all!!!) i think the hardest way forwards might be the most effective.

if you are seen by HER to be keeping her at arms length, she will sense (and draw huge power from 0 a 'him or her' situation. Whereas if you keep a casual front about the contact with her father, she won't have anything to react to. Somewhere in her brain (she's never been short of brain cells, has she? Just used them in troubling ways!) it will be occur to her that living off your gf's escorting wages is not a nice or dignified thing to do. And the sheen will wear thin. She will find it much easier to resume talks with you then if you have been alongside her all the way.

HUGE congratulations on finshing your house - you clever clever thing, you!

Christie · 12/05/2006 13:15

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