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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

She's gone - and I don't know where she is.

109 replies

anorak · 20/04/2006 19:10

Some of you know the history of my relationship with my DD1, aged 16. Given the marvellous support I've received here for the last three years, here's the latest.

She moved out 3 1/2 weeks ago into emergency council housing. She asked me to help her move from her emergency digs into a hostel early this week and to sign as guarantor for her.

There was a mix-up over the time and I was too early. She went mad at me on my mobile and refused to try and make the best of things. Told me the whole thing was f**ed.

I warned her she better talk to me as if I were someone she wanted help from and she said it doesn't matter, her dad would sign as guarantor for her. I put the phone down on her and went home. I haven't heard from her since.

Her dad, who we spent all our savings in court defending her from, who was banned from all contact because of his pornographic businesses and his failure to keep them separate from his relationship with her.

I don't know where she is or whether she has accepted help from him or not. All the friends who know her and me have told me not to capitulate and that I should have been tougher with her long ago. I know she will contact me sooner or later to come and collect the rest of her things.

I'm keeping very busy and keeping my head above water most of the time. But at night when I lie in bed and it's dark, I wonder where she is and if she is safe. The words 'bad mother' go round and round in my head. I'm heartbroken and I'm just waiting for it to mend.

Thank you to all who've walked this journey with me both in person and on this site. x

OP posts:

Blu · 21/04/2006 14:37

Does calling equal capitulating?
You do have something of a right to know she is ok, I suppose - and to ask about her stuff.
I think your current tactic is sound - but if you can't bear it, I don't think you should see it as weak in any way to call her.

winnie · 23/04/2006 09:36

anorak, how are you doing?

Sparklemagic · 23/04/2006 10:08

Anorak, have read this thread and really feel for you. A couple of things occurred to me; one is that you are right in saying teenagers don't have a real conception of the feelings of others. It's true, somehow it doesn't feel 'real' to them yet, maybe it's one of the last things we learn as we grow up!

I've never forgotten a friend telling me that when she was 16, she had two younger siblings and her mum was due any day with her fourth - she saw her mum struggling up the road with the week's shopping, heavily pregnant, huffing and puffing - and all she thought was " Oh god, hurry up for god's sake mum, I'm HUNGRY". not "Oh, poor mum is struggling, I'll offer to help". I think this shows clearly where we are coming from at this age

So to go on from this, I feel that you DO have the chance to build a better relationship with her. I know people who get along fab with their parents once they have left home. I think it will involve superhuman tolerance from you, but on reading this that's something you've obviously shown anyway! I think it's about clearing the slate, not holding the past against her; not bringing things up with her, and looking to the future instead. Let her know you are interested in talking to her and ALWAYS talk to her as a fellow, independent adult (I know she isn't - but it's a way of building a better sort of relationship with her).

As she gets older and into her twenties, you may find this pays off and gives a close adult relationship between you. I've seen it happen a couple of times so it can work but as I say does involve the mum taking the long view...obviously you know her best and whether you think this would be a possible approach...but I do wish you the best of luck x

Original poster

anorak · 23/04/2006 13:23

Hello all and thanks for your comments.

Nothing has changed, she hasn't been in touch and I haven't phoned her. Had a busy day yesterday and enjoyed a neighbour's St George's party last night, which took my mind off things although I did get a bit tearful watching all the teenagers joining in with the party and my two other children having fun bouncing on the trampoline, wondering why DD1 can't be happy with us

I'm glad my DH is taking a week off work this week so we can DIY together, he will be here for me if I feel upset.

OP posts:

Christie · 23/04/2006 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tigermoth · 23/04/2006 18:24

Hi anorak,

The waiting must be such a strain. Throwing yourself into DIY is probably a really good thing. If I remember, you are good at doing up homes and as you say, your dh will be around to support you.

I get the impression you have a good network of friends, so there will be many people looking out for your dd and at the very least may be able to pass on some news of her.

take care :)

edam · 23/04/2006 18:57

Hi Anorak

Just another MNer wanting to say you certainly don't sound like a bad mother - just one who is trying to help your dd.

FWIW one of my sisters was a nightmare - honestly scary - teenager. The thing is she was awful throughout her teens but has turned into a lovely adult and got close to my mother again when she hit her early 20s. She's now a lovely adult. Some people just aren't good at adolescence but there is real hope that she will end up OK.

HTH

Original poster

anorak · 27/04/2006 20:18

Well she has just phoned. As predicted, it's because she wants something. She is coming round in the morning to collect some of her things.

She says she didn't call before because she thought I was angry. I said well I've been angry with you plenty of times before, why should it stop you calling?

She says her dad did sign as a guarantor for her. I warned her, she will find out

OP posts:

ggglimpopo · 27/04/2006 20:19

Anorak - have you seen my thread? If you were closer I would invite you over for a glass of wine and a good cry/whinge/wheredidwegowrong.

sunchowder · 27/04/2006 20:20

I am so sorry Anorak--I just saw this. Sending you warm thoughts.

JanH · 27/04/2006 20:22

Oh, anorak, I have missed this until now - so sorry things have turned out like this with DD1 but hoping that once she has been away for a while she will begin to appreciate you all a bit more.

You are such a good mum and you have tried so hard with her - she will see that one day, I'm sure. XXX

winnie · 27/04/2006 20:25

anorak, {{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}
I'm glad you've heard from her and know she is 'ok'.

Wish there was something more I could say.
Thinking of you, winnie

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 27/04/2006 20:26

Glad she's been in touch anorak. Sometimes they have to learn the hard way. x

busybusybee · 27/04/2006 20:28

Anorak I am so sorry this is happening
Tears are rolling down my face as I write this :(
Its just so :(

Gingerbear · 27/04/2006 20:46

My thoughts are with you anorak. I hope things go well when she calls round for her stuff. Be strong, and stick to your guns.
She will stand on her own two feet one way or another. When she realises just how hard life is, when she has to cook/wash/clean for herself, just maybe.... then she may come to appreciate her lovely mum.

sunchowder · 27/04/2006 20:59

I wanted to let you know that my stepson left us at Christmas to go live with his natural Mum, the one that abandoned him when he was 7. I (and his natural father) have raised and supported him for 12 yearshis mother has done NOTHING. I was devastated, but am doing better. I don't say this to minimize your situation or even compare it to your AnorakI just wanted you to know that I do understand and am sending you support.

Bugsy2 · 27/04/2006 21:25

Anorak, glad that you know she is ok. I hope she stops for a chat when she comes for her stuff. Really feel for you, must be heartbreaking.

Blu · 27/04/2006 21:32

Glad to hear she has called Anorak, even if it's because she needs her stuff. Was she surprised you hadn't called her?
Hope it goes ok in the morning.

Original poster

anorak · 28/04/2006 09:09

Thank you all for your kind words. ggg I haven't seen your thread, please point me at it! As for coming round for a glass of wine, don't let the distance stop you inviting me, I've heard about your hospitality before

busybusybee I'm sorry I made you cry, I've noticed on other threads that you've got your own problems so thank you for stopping by here.

Just got a text from DD saying she can't make it this morning after all and will probably come on Sunday. Well at least we are communicating again. Unfortunately she has peed everyone off so much that all my friends are saying 'stick to your guns' and my DH is depressed just at the thought of her coming round and possibly upsetting me again.

We shall see.

OP posts:

beetle73 · 28/04/2006 09:43

Hi Anorak, Really glad to hear that you're at least back in contact again. That must be a real comfort. Hope it goes OK at the weekend.

FioFio · 28/04/2006 09:54

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Message deleted

Original poster

anorak · 28/04/2006 13:04

Hi beetle and fio. Yes the involvement of her dad is quite upsetting both for DH and for me. She told her sister on the phone yesterday that he is doing really well and has four houses. Obv DD2 is now impressed and wondering.

All I can say is that he has often claimed during the time I was with him to own this or that when in reality the places he was talking about were only managed by him. Always loved to have a lot of notes in his pocket to impress everyone and normally a minus figure in the bank.

On the other hand, if he does own four houses, perhaps he'd like to explain to her why I brought up two daughters for the last 13 years without a penny of financial support from him?

Grrr...and my poor DH I think is deep inside worried about being sidelined, after he has been a father to both girls in every way in the 9 years I have known him.

OP posts:

FioFio · 28/04/2006 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

sis · 28/04/2006 14:39

Oh anorak, I've only just seen this - I don't have anything constructive to add either but I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and your dd.

Please know that you are the last person who could be a bad mother! so very sorry that you are going through this but glad that some contact has been restored.

Original poster

anorak · 02/05/2006 21:18

She has been round tonight to collect some of her things and I drove her to her place (she had too much to carry) so I have seen the room now. Very plain. Not like her pretty room here. But I do understand that she wants her own space.

Had to cart my DH off to hospital yesterday because I thought he had pneumonia, turned out not to be but I think they were worried in A & E for a while. He had an ECG, chest X-ray, blood tests, breathing tests, had to lie with an oxygen mask on for some hours and take two nebulizers. They had a bed all organised for him until the X-ray came up clear and they diagnosed a severe infection of the upper respiratory tract and let him come home. He is much better now he has treatment.

And today I see the scruffy hostel where my 16-year old daughter wants to live. She was telling me how her father's girlfriend earns £150 a day as an escort although she doesn't have actual sex with anyone but him. Am I alone in thinking this preposterous, especially in view of the fact that she looks like a horse?

At least DD says she has not accepted the large sums of money they have offered her as she doesn't want that level of involvement with them. First sensible choice she's made.

It's been an odd couple of days and I am feeling a little unsettled just at the moment.

OP posts:

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