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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

She's gone - and I don't know where she is.

109 replies

anorak · 20/04/2006 19:10

Some of you know the history of my relationship with my DD1, aged 16. Given the marvellous support I've received here for the last three years, here's the latest.

She moved out 3 1/2 weeks ago into emergency council housing. She asked me to help her move from her emergency digs into a hostel early this week and to sign as guarantor for her.

There was a mix-up over the time and I was too early. She went mad at me on my mobile and refused to try and make the best of things. Told me the whole thing was f**ed.

I warned her she better talk to me as if I were someone she wanted help from and she said it doesn't matter, her dad would sign as guarantor for her. I put the phone down on her and went home. I haven't heard from her since.

Her dad, who we spent all our savings in court defending her from, who was banned from all contact because of his pornographic businesses and his failure to keep them separate from his relationship with her.

I don't know where she is or whether she has accepted help from him or not. All the friends who know her and me have told me not to capitulate and that I should have been tougher with her long ago. I know she will contact me sooner or later to come and collect the rest of her things.

I'm keeping very busy and keeping my head above water most of the time. But at night when I lie in bed and it's dark, I wonder where she is and if she is safe. The words 'bad mother' go round and round in my head. I'm heartbroken and I'm just waiting for it to mend.

Thank you to all who've walked this journey with me both in person and on this site. x

OP posts:
schneebly · 21/04/2006 08:53

Hi anorak - I am sorry you are having such a hard time with DD - just to echo what everyone else has said, you have done all you can and maybe this will teach her some very important life lessons. Thinking of you. (((hugs)))

Blackduck · 21/04/2006 09:06

Anorak - no 'advice' - just adding my support. You are not a bad mother, I have said in the past your situation has a lot in commmon with a close friend of mine and her daughter....they are now good friends, but it was a rocky few years...sometimes you have to let them go and do some growing up and some learning for them to realise how much you have done for them and supported them....

Tortington · 21/04/2006 09:50

does she have a support worker?

Original poster
anorak · 21/04/2006 09:52

Is that the Connexions person Custy? If so yes.

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 21/04/2006 09:56

Anorak - as someone said to me when I was bewailing my dd1's latest antics "You have to take a step back and let growing up do the parenting for you".

I can really understand where you are coming from. No advice, just empathy.

xxx

Auntymandy · 21/04/2006 09:57

not read all of thread, but anarak . I am thinking of you.
Can you contact the housing and hostels where you think she is?
If (and I'm sure you have) you have been a good mother, she will turn up!! She doesnt need to know you have found out where she is, but you need to know where she is!!
Been tougher in the past wouldnt have made any difference,so never blame yourself!
My DS 15 has a friend who's mum grounds him at every oppurtunity, he has already said he is moving out at 16!!

spacedonkey · 21/04/2006 09:59

I only just saw this thread anorak - so sorry that you are going through this Sad

I've been having major problems with my 14 yr old dd over the last couple of years, and your thread title could've been written by me on more than one occasion in the last few months (things are on a slightly more even keel for the moment though fingers crossed).

This situation must be heart breaking for you. Sorry not to have anything constructive to say, but like everyone else I want to reiterate that you are not a bad mother - quite the opposite is true, and one day (soon I hope) your daughter will come back to you (in her heart if not physically) xxx

Original poster
anorak · 21/04/2006 10:00

ggg that's a useful thought.

I don't really have any idea where the hostels are and I'm not going to search. All she seems to want is to get me running about after her. I am pretty sure she will be in touch sooner or later because she has left a lot of her stuff here.

What does the support officer do Custy? Is it the Connexions lady?

OP posts:
Tortington · 21/04/2006 10:03

i'm not sure anorak. i just had a hunch that at her age she would have a support worker. could you have a word with them and say " look i dont want to know about anything you have discussed, as i know that it is confidential, but she is distancing herself from the family and would it be ok if i rang you from time to time to check that she is alive and ok?"

under 18 - dont they have a housing support worker bod? is it private rented?

maybe you could contact certain agencies - when you find out where she lives and just ask them to pop round and see if they can help
thngs like
shelter - they do amazing support for young householders. belp with budgeting etc to help their tenancy be long term an sustainable, connextions you have mentioned.
social services?

maybe you could look to see if young peole specific accomodation like a foyer or something with the YMCA ( who seems to be building a lot recently) have anything which might benefit her in the future.

see my mother is a nutbucket and had an argument with me and the only way i cold make sure she was still alive, well, ok etc was to make sure that certain agencies went to visit her from time to time.

they could never tell me what was discussed - but i knew that she was ok. if that makes sense?

Original poster
anorak · 21/04/2006 10:05

Custy that's very helpful. I won't do anything yet because it has only been a few days and I still keep thinking she will phone. But if it goes on too long I will use your post as a starting point. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
anorak · 21/04/2006 10:07

And to answer your questions - I don't know where she is because I had a big row with her the day before she was due to move into a hostel. I would have been with her when she moved in and would have found out where it was then, but as it is I wasn't there and so I don't know where it is or even if she was able to move into it without my acting as guarantor.

OP posts:
JoolsToo · 21/04/2006 10:09

goodness! I had absolutely no idea you were going through this!

I can offer no advice, just hoping there is a happy resolution somewhere down the line.

Blu · 21/04/2006 10:22

Oh Lord, Anorak, how very very hard for you. Poor you, poor her.
She has SUCH a good Mum, such a strong source of love and wisdom and integrity - I hope that she will stop fireworking herself around like a mad doodlebug very soon.

You know what?

I think she is able to do this because basically she has the confidence. She knows she will, when push comes to shove, look after herself quite well.

You have given her that.

XXXXXXXX

Bugsy2 · 21/04/2006 10:58

Oh Anorak, just seen this thread. So sorry you've got this to deal with at the moment. No advice, but I hope you hear from your dd soon.

bramblina · 21/04/2006 11:02

Anorak, I don't know your story, I'm sorry, but my neice went missing last month, albeit only for a day, she was found at 11.30pm, I was lying in my bed, crying, listening to the rain, thinking of her, but she was fine, no-one would sit out in the cold, your daughter will have shelter, she will be safe, it's amazing how resillient 16yr olds can be. If you were a bad mother, you wouldn't be concerned, would you? But you are. I'm sure you're doing your best.

dinosaure · 21/04/2006 11:04

anorak, I have absolutely no practical advice I'm afraid, but I just wanted to send you a message of support. Having met you in RL as well as on mn, I know what a great person you are.

I didn't leave home when I was 16 but I smoked, drank, lied to my mum, went behind her back, spent nights in places I should not have been, skived school, slept around, etc etc etc and generally let her down very badly. I grew out of it though, albeit with a few scars here and there. Some guardian angel looked after me and I'm sure will be there for your dd too.

Original poster
anorak · 21/04/2006 11:12

Thank you so much for these supportive posts. They help more than you could know.

OP posts:
Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 21/04/2006 11:20

Anorak - Blu's spot is spot on. You've given her the confidence to do this, she will be fine. And if things do go pear-shaped she knows she has someone to run to.

Hope she gets in touch soon to put your mind at rest.

Christie · 21/04/2006 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Taxi · 21/04/2006 12:08

Hi Anorak.
I had a thought about something that may help locate DD1. Have a look at this link:
\link{http://www.childlocate.co.uk}
It doesn't work with T-mobile or Orange at the moment so fingers crossed that DD1 is with one of the other mobile services.
Christie and I have been thinking of you today and will always be here for you.
Taxi
xx

Taxi · 21/04/2006 12:13

Sorry Anorak. The link didn't work. Where is Christie when I need her?
Alternative advice: Google for "ChildLocate" without the quotes. The top of the list is the thing I tried to insert a link for.
Given the time it took to try to figure out the link, it would have been quicker for me to stroll down the hill and hammer on your door Smile but the info may be useful to others.
Taxi
xx

Original poster
anorak · 21/04/2006 12:34

Thank you. I won't do anything just yet as I really think she will call about her stuff. I'm hoping to be able to open the dialogue wider then.

But this kind think will be helpful if she doesn't contact me in the next few days. It will save me phoning her mobile and capitulating as usual, if you know what I mean.

OP posts:
alibubbles · 21/04/2006 14:28

Anorak, here is a list of all the likely places that a young person can stay, scroll down and there is lots of info.
\link{http://www.stalbans.gov.uk/living/housing/public/rehousing/housing_services.pdf\housing for young people}

It must be a big worry, having two teens it is my biggest worry. DS came home from canada today, I've not seen him for 4 months and my god, he has grown up!

I have a close friend whose son left home at 16, in similar circumstances to your DD, he is home now, safe and sound after a few months and appreciates what he had. He is still not easy to live with, but it was the right thing for both mum and son.

Thinking of you Smile

Original poster
anorak · 21/04/2006 14:31

Thank you alibubbles x

OP posts:
winnie · 21/04/2006 14:33

ggglimpopo, "You have to take a step back and let growing up do the parenting for you" is an interesting thought I know I am going to think about re my dd.

Anorak, hope dd contacts you soon. I have been thinking about you.

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