Father thumped teenage daughter 15

[confusedandmiserable]

Normally we are a pretty calm and happy family but my daughter (who is normally a great kid) managed to push all my husbands buttons on Sunday - they yelled at each other - then she stomped off to her room and he charged after her - he completely lost it. I jumped on him while he took a swipe at her with his fist (luckily missing). I separated them and she became hysterical. Afterwards - everything calmed down and apologies were given and I will stress that this has never happened before. Now she says the image of her father (who has never raised a hand to her before) is of him coming at her like and animal and she can never see him in the same way again. Also she says if she hadn't ducked she would have had a black eye. My other two children 14 and 10 also witnessed and condemed their father for this. I have to admit - I also saw a different completely irrational side of him - we've been happily married for 17 years.

I guess I don't know how to take this forward as there will always be this stain now - he knows it must never happen again and that he was very stupid but I do feel he has marred the childhood of all three children and diminished himself in their (and my eyes). He a man of deep feelings and not good at articulating them and I think this is what happened. Everybody knows this was really wrong.

I think I'm just looking for advice on how to move forward as a family after this.

I was regularly punched by my dad aged 13-16. My injuries where either none, a black eye, twisted arm etc.

My mother stood back and watched it happen, infact she would make up lies to make my dad so angry he would hit me.

My dad always reacted in fury. I was a mouthy teen who thought I knew best and I Knew exactly which buttons to press to get the biggest reaction.

Im 28 now and my dad and I are very close.

It took years to repair the damage our relationship suffered.

Looking back dad was working 18 hour days, in an unhappy marriage and coming home to world war 3 every day. He was stressed and had my parents not divorced when I where 16 I do believe he would of ended up dead, or in prison.

My dad cant even speak about this time now, as it brings him to tears. He is a model father and a grand father now.

Op - your daughter needs your support, not only for protection but to also try and mend the relationship. She needs to know its not her fault regardless of what she said and did - I would maybe have the conversation with her that her disrespect pushed the wrong buttons and everyone has these buttons even perfect parents but reiterate that anything she does or said is not excuse for any person to strike her.

I would also support your DH to discover what made him do this? What is the cause, you say he has never done this before and just snapped so something must be on his mind. He owes it to his family to sort this out. He needs to apologise and be the adult and build bridges. Not excusing himself but admitting he needs help and he went to far.

No, I think the best way to move forward is for the dh to tell his dd that there is a moral high ground, that on this occasion he did not stick to it and that this will never happen again. If he is unable to assure her of that, then I think the family is already in effect broken.

I think it's up to the DD if she can move on from this tbh.

And it's up to her dad to realise he can't control his daughter and she will have different opinions from him. If he can't then theres no hope really.

usualsuspect, I join you in your amazement.

Do the people advising the same as in signet's post above me advise the same on here if it were a wife who had been thumped/swung for for answering back?

I doubt it.

"But surely once she is an adult it won't be ok for anyone to swing a punch at her just because she is goading them? Or is this behaviour that is accepted anywhere in society?"

Surely when she is an adult she won't be goading people?

I don't buy the idea that in a row the first person to lose it is necessarily the victim, and neither does the law.

That the father was completely wrong does not mean that his daughter shouldn't learn that if you provoke people and they lose it, being in the right isn't always much comfort.

If her Dad had hit her and hurt her the consequences would necessarily be very severe.

How would she feel then?

This incident happened in a context, one in which she was not blameless.

She is old enough to understand that.

"No, I think the best way to move forward is for the dh to tell his dd that there is a moral high ground, that on this occasion he did not stick to it and that this will never happen again. If he is unable to assure her of that, then I think the family is already in effect broken."

I agree.

Nice one FiftyShades, blame the girl and the mother too. :(
OP I really hope you find a way to get through this.

I can only offer my own experience. To be honest more damage was done to me by my mother not standing up to me.

My reply is not condoning either behaviour from either person. All Im saying is in my experience this is what happened.

My ideas of what would maybe be useful are based on what I feel would have helped me at that time in my position.

In answer to your question Foof - I would not expect any person wife/husband/child to be swung for for answering back. however my life has taught me there are many shades of grey and all actions have long standing implications.

My mother standing up FOR me not TO me that should read

AThingInYourLife Tue 05-Jun-12 17:37:15
""But surely once she is an adult it won't be ok for anyone to swing a punch at her just because she is goading them? Or is this behaviour that is accepted anywhere in society?"

Surely when she is an adult she won't be goading people?"

Are you sure of that? Sure that her boyfriend will never feel goaded in the course of an argument? Can you say, hand on heart, that you have never said anything in a marital argument, that could have goaded the other partner?

And what about if other people goad her when she is an adult? Have you never come across a mean boss, a stirring colleague, a deliberately obstructive official?

I have. I haven't punched a single one of them. Because I learnt from my parents' example that it isn't on.

I'll add the maxim which is always trotted out on the relationships dv threads....OP if a stranger had done this to your daughter would you be defending them?

Exactly.

The OP said the DD was normally v well behaved!!! Why are people making out this young girl is a nightmare teen?

I've not read the whiling thread but my dad hit me when I was about 15. I still live, respect and have a great relationship with him.

It was a one off, I was being a pain in the arse teen and he did go too far but I certainly reined in the attitude a bit from then on. It's not a parenting method I advocate or will ever resort to (I hope) but if it's genuinely a one off and everyone is sorry, I think chalk it up to a shit day and all move on.

Sorry for typos : whole thread and still love him.

Oh and meant to say that compared to my friends I was also a very well behaved teen but I had a mouth on me and I wasn't afraid to express myself. And that's why, on that one day, I pushed my Dad too far.

This wasn't a smack, TSC, according to the OP it was a swipe with his fist. Which would have left a mark and hence been illegal as discipline. Not saying anyone should report him; just that he needs to have that talk with his daughter where he recognises that this is not legitimate discipline.

Just because parents can administer legitimate physical discipline doesn't mean that all physical force used by parents is legitimate.

Smacks don't break noses. Smacks don't break jaws. Smacks hurt, but it is unlikely that any fifteen year old is genuinely frightened of being smacked. I wasn't. But I would have been very frightened indeed if someone had to be restrained because they were trying to punch me.

If your daughter came home tomorrow and said "I had a row with my friend and he punched me in the face", would you tell her to stop winding people up?

A thump is not the same as a smack.
A thump leaves a substantial mark and is not a form of disipline ,it is abuse.
If he had raised his hand to smack her lightly on the bum that would be a different matter but he chased her and tried to thump her, which imo shows the dh has gone too far even if she had been lippy its not right.

cory

"Are you sure of that?"

Not if she learns the lesson that you can provoke people to your heart's content and then claim the moral high ground if they lose it, no.

I don't think it's a bad lesson to learn at 15 that being a lippy pain in the arse isn't clever or remotely adult.

That's not the same at all as telling her she would have deserved it if her Dad had hit her. I agree with you that it's very important that she and her Dad talk this out, and he has to be very clear about how he was totally wrong to do what he did.

But I think she is better off learning that she had a role in the row that was not defensible either than getting the message that she is an innocent victim of a monstrous father.

"If he had raised his hand to smack her lightly on the bum that would be a different matter"

It certainly would.

A father lightly smacking his teenage daughter on the bottom would be a whole other ball of wax.

athinginyourlife puts it far better than I can.

Trying to discipline a 15 yo is always going to be very difficult.

Boundaries and respect are something that need to be learnt at a far earlier age.

Certainly by the end of Y7 DCs should understand that yes they are growing up and yes that means they should have more freedom and more say in their lives.
However, they should also realise that there is a right way to negotiate those freedoms.

I do not believe that DCs all have the right to be stroppy teens. Being rebellious and vile is not a stage that we have to accept our children go through.

I was a horrible 10 yo, but a pretty reasonable teen. My DSIS was always pretty reasonable.

My 14 yo DD is lovely. Her sister will probably make me eat this post, but I hopping that like me she'll come to understand it's way better to have your patents on your side.

I'm horrified that people are still blaming your DD. Your DH behaved like an arse, and needs to reassure your daughter he will never do it again.

AThingInYourLife Tue 05-Jun-12 19:49:28
cory

"Are you sure of that?"

£Not if she learns the lesson that you can provoke people to your heart's content and then claim the moral high ground if they lose it, no.

I don't think it's a bad lesson to learn at 15 that being a lippy pain in the arse isn't clever or remotely adult."

Where did I say she should be taught that being a lippy pain in the arse is clever or adult? And why has that got anything to do with whether she gets hit with her father's fist or not? Are you seriously saying there is no other way of teaching a 15yo to avoid lippiness?

I wouldn't accept lippiness from my own 15yo either.

But we both know that hitting anyone, anyone, with your fist is illegal, regardless of provocation.

You shouldn't be rude or lippy to people, but that is a thing totally apart from whether you are afraid they will hit you.