Father thumped teenage daughter 15

[confusedandmiserable]

Normally we are a pretty calm and happy family but my daughter (who is normally a great kid) managed to push all my husbands buttons on Sunday - they yelled at each other - then she stomped off to her room and he charged after her - he completely lost it. I jumped on him while he took a swipe at her with his fist (luckily missing). I separated them and she became hysterical. Afterwards - everything calmed down and apologies were given and I will stress that this has never happened before. Now she says the image of her father (who has never raised a hand to her before) is of him coming at her like and animal and she can never see him in the same way again. Also she says if she hadn't ducked she would have had a black eye. My other two children 14 and 10 also witnessed and condemed their father for this. I have to admit - I also saw a different completely irrational side of him - we've been happily married for 17 years.

I guess I don't know how to take this forward as there will always be this stain now - he knows it must never happen again and that he was very stupid but I do feel he has marred the childhood of all three children and diminished himself in their (and my eyes). He a man of deep feelings and not good at articulating them and I think this is what happened. Everybody knows this was really wrong.

I think I'm just looking for advice on how to move forward as a family after this.

You sound very level-headed OP. It's a terrible situation and there isn't an 'easy option' and probably not a single 'right' thing to do (despite the polarised opinions here). You are obviously taking this seriously. If your husband is too, and this is truly a one-off, I think you'll come through.

FYI, and to give you some (albeit perhaps controversial) facts... If someone informs the police, they will attend, but (if things are as described) will probably advise that since there was no actual bodily harm (ABH) done, there is no offence. Contrary to popular opinion it is legal for a parent to use 'reasonable punishment' "if the injury amounts to no more than reddening of the skin, and the injury is transient and trifling" ( source ). Clearly a black eye would have been assault and/or ABH, so your husband should be very conscious of how close he came to this, if he isn't already.

If the police attend, they will automatically inform social services - an automatic 'child protection referral' will be made. However, unless there are other incidents relating to your husband and/or children, they are extremely unlikely to do anything - the incident will just be logged. Similarly, if your daughter or other children tell someone else (school etc.), they will also inform social services; but again, if this is indeed a one-off, and there are no other incidents recorded, they probably won't take any action or even contact you. There is no real possibility of your daughter being taken into care for the one-off incident as you describe it. However, if there was any evidence of previous abuse, social services would probably act - but I assume you would too.

Flow4 is right, if he had hit her and she told someone about it, it would automatically be a child protection issue with all that it entails, even if It was one isolated incident. Your DH needs to understand this and take steps to make sure it never happens again, he must manage his anger. DH head butted our DD in retaliation for her hitting me, we had also had two hours of screaming tantrums and it was 1 in the morning. it was a reflex reaction, he didn't even think about it. Afterwards he was mortified and went to GPs broke down in tears and asked for counselling, which he has been having, she was provocative in the extreme but he knows that it was an unforgivable thing to do. BTW neither of us hit either DC before or since. We all like to think we are grown up rational caring people who do their best for our DCs and would never get ourselves in this position. But I would say to some of the more sanctimonious posters that even the best of us lose it, it's not justifiable or forgiveable but sometimes it happens. OP, I sincerely hope that you all come out of this OK, you can't undo what has happened but you can all learn from it. If DH finds it hard to talk about his feelings, he may find it easier to write DD a letter which she can read in private when she is ready

They need to sort it out, leave them too it.

They need to apologise to each other, draw a line and both workout how to behave like adults.

"he said you do this - end of conversation and she yelled in typical teenage fashion that it was her decision she was an adult and he was to shut up and leave her alone! "

Was "this" really something so important that your DD could have no say in what happened? No way she could have had an input into the decision? 15 is pretty old to be told what to do, no discussion.

The thing is here, is that this is a child not an adult therfore should not be hit or thumped by a grown man and if op hadn't have been there it wouldn't have been a 'miss' it would have been a 'thump'.
A teenager nearly gets thumped just for being lippy why should she apologise she nearly got thumped by a grown up?!
Being lippy is a normal teenager charateristic, if he cannot deal with that, what happens when she gets her 1st boyfriend or walks out the house in a strop??-will he chase her down again?
I wouldn't take the risk op

Personally by 15 I'd grown up enough to respect my parents.
I'd got over being a cheeky lippy teen by the time I was 12.

But then my parents had instilled discipline and respect into me from the day I was born.

Right buntingbunny so if someone hasn't learnt respect, they should be thumped by their dad.

Sure thing.

Do you think threatening to punch a 15 year old is the way to instill discipline then?

A grown man swinging his fist at a teenager is not installing disipline though is it?

My previous post is a bit long, but in short, good people can do wrong things. It seems that OP's husband lost it and was out of character. We all try to do our best but sometimes even the best of us make mistakes. Don't be so quick to judge when you haven't been in a similar situation.
BTW We instilled discipline and respect from day one too but it can still go awry when you're navigating your way through the turbulent teen years.

No it probably isn't compared to today's standards but I think it was much more acceptable then. This was the 1980's it wouldn't have even occurred to me to call the police etc. Hitting your kids was much more acceptable even if they were grown up. My dad used to lash out at me as things weren't right between him and my mum and it has affected me but you have to get on with it.

I have also been assaulted by an ex BF and my DH when my DC's were young. I think violence breeds violence but it can be worked through.

I know violence isn't acceptable i.e. a slap etc but it is shades of grey. People can be verbally cruel which I think could be just as damaging. also what about people being forced to marry someone and not being allowed to go out and make their own decisions.

The original poster's DH sounds perfectly human and tbh I don't think it is the end of the world. People learn from their mistakes. Calling the police and social services would have repercussions. what is the point? what good would it do if he lost his job etc. He didn't hit his DD. TBH having teenagers myself i can see his POV and relate to how he feels. I think today's teenagers have too much power at times.

It sounds like the OP is very kind and caring.

alemci very good post

The 15 year old is neither a child nor an adult.

That's what makes dealing with teenagers so fraught.

In fact the girl some are insisting is just a child was herself insisting that she was an adult, and that as such she had the right to tell her father to shut up and do whatever she chose.

She needs to learn that being grown up is not about being obnoxious and doing whatever you choose.

She is also halfway to learning an important lesson about parents being people and making mistakes.

I'm not at all sure she needs to learn that she can assert her rights to behave like an "adult", interpreted as being disrespectful and out of control, and then play the poor innocent child victim when the parent she was goading loses it.

I am in no way excusing what your DH did.

But my usually-pacifist DF lost it, just once, and chucked plates at me when we were arguing when I was 13. (They missed). I tried to run away but got caught by my mum.

I don't remember how, but things calmed down, and our relationship got back to normal, it hasn't put a wedge between us longterm.

I don't know what my parents did to make things better, or what went on between my parents behind the scenes, so I can't advise you there.

Echo a thing in your life! Couldn't have put it better

So goading someone gives them the right to hit you?

Not a message I wanted my DDs to learn.

lesson not message*

Not doing as you are told gives someone the right to hit you?

Sod that

"I'm not at all sure she needs to learn that she can assert her rights to behave like an "adult", interpreted as being disrespectful and out of control, and then play the poor innocent child victim when the parent she was goading loses it."

But surely once she is an adult it won't be ok for anyone to swing a punch at her just because she is goading them? Or is this behaviour that is accepted anywhere in society?

Personally I don't think her father should apologise because she is a child: he should apologise because it simply isn't ok to hit someone because they are winding you up and it's his job to teach her that.

A 15 year old is a child, plain and simple.
They are legally a minor, he has attempted to hit a minor-what does that teach her about respect??
It teaches her, that if you are goaded you can hit out

This happened to me when I was 16. I had a big argument with my dad, which I cannot remember the reasons for, and he chased after me. I fell on the stairs, and he slapped me in anger. My mum was also there, shouting his name.

It didn't hurt very much, but it has corroded the way I feel about him even now. A lot of people are very close to their fathers, but I am much closer to my mother and just spend time with my dad really. I am very envious of people who are close to their fathers.

I got an apology for it, via my mum. And that was it. It never happened again, but something was broken. I never argued like that with him again.

15 or 16 is a hard age to cope with this because you are not a child any more, but you are very emotionally vulnerable. I felt like he had no respect for me.

I am stunned that there are people advocating the break up of a previously happy family on the strength of one mistake. If the OP follows that advice and the whole family are unhappy going forward it would be a terrible burden on the girl in question.

What your DH did was horribly wrong and he must never, ever repeat it but your DD was not totally blameless either. Teenagers can behave appallingly and she needs to learn to show some respect and that such behaviour is not acceptable (if you don't set the boundaries now, good luck with the younger children)

I think this needs communication and understanding all round along with an admittance from both of them that their behaviour is not ok.

I'm stunned that some posters think the 15 year old was to blame.

I don't think anyone is advocating the idea it's OK to hit anyone, let alone a child. What OP's DH did was unjustifiable, but it can't be undone, and I think OP is asking for advice on how to move on. Taking the moral high ground is pointless and unhelpful?

Ignore the ? It was a statement not a question