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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Father thumped teenage daughter 15

139 replies

confusedandmiserable · 05/06/2012 08:31

Normally we are a pretty calm and happy family but my daughter (who is normally a great kid) managed to push all my husbands buttons on Sunday - they yelled at each other - then she stomped off to her room and he charged after her - he completely lost it. I jumped on him while he took a swipe at her with his fist (luckily missing). I separated them and she became hysterical. Afterwards - everything calmed down and apologies were given and I will stress that this has never happened before. Now she says the image of her father (who has never raised a hand to her before) is of him coming at her like and animal and she can never see him in the same way again. Also she says if she hadn't ducked she would have had a black eye. My other two children 14 and 10 also witnessed and condemed their father for this. I have to admit - I also saw a different completely irrational side of him - we've been happily married for 17 years.

I guess I don't know how to take this forward as there will always be this stain now - he knows it must never happen again and that he was very stupid but I do feel he has marred the childhood of all three children and diminished himself in their (and my eyes). He a man of deep feelings and not good at articulating them and I think this is what happened. Everybody knows this was really wrong.

I think I'm just looking for advice on how to move forward as a family after this.

OP posts:

tribpot · 05/06/2012 11:57

he's not used to being crossed and doesn't know how to deal with it

This says plenty. All of his children are likely to try and push his buttons and explore the boundaries as they become adults. This will involve crossing him.

It is not a question of seeking anger management if this happens again. He needs to face up to the consequences now of what he did. Think about what you would do if it was you who had taken a swipe at her. Why isn't he doing those things?

his way of dealing with it is to try to put it behind him and get on with life.

Or in other words, pretend it never happened. How convenient that his way of 'dealing' with it involves little-to-no effort or trouble for him.

Toughasoldboots · 05/06/2012 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cory · 05/06/2012 12:18

I fully believe in keeping the family together, but I don't think you're going to do that if you don't acknowledge that the daughter may well be frightened and her feelings need to be recognised.

It's not about victim-monster situation: it is about making it clear to the family that there are certain lines you don't cross, and when those lines have been crossed then normal discussions about whose fault x was are suspended until there has been a full recognition of that vital fact.

It's like the rule many parents have when children are little: it doesn't matter what he said, you don't punch him. It's a good rule and excellent preparation for later life.

I think the father should take his daughter aside and say :"I accept that I had no right to try to hit you whatever you said. I will never do it again, however angry I get, you can rely on that."

And then leave any discussions about her disrespectfulness for the next time she is disrespectful. If she is an obnoxious teen, then he will have plenty of time to come discuss this. But now is not the time.

Toughasoldboots · 05/06/2012 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AThingInYourLife · 05/06/2012 12:36

"He is not a man though who is going to sit and talk about his feelings and although I think he understands the seriousness and is upset about what he has done his way of dealing with it is to try to put it behind him and get on with life."

That is not good enough.

He's not entitled to just "get on with life" after an outburst like that.

He needs to deal with what happened, and his daughter (maybe both if them) deserve to hear him talk about it and admit how wrong he was to lose control like that.

A blow up this big needs a proper reconciliation, not just an quick apology and then moving past it.

You don't put things like this behind you. There's a chance here for a teenager and her Dad to get a better understanding of each other as people.

But that means talking and honesty.

If he's not the kind of man who can do that, then he's not the kind of man I could have living in the family home.

alemci · 05/06/2012 12:45

My dad hit me when I was around that age. I remember he slapped me around the face a few times. he hit me when I was about 22 when I was talking to my bf on the 'phone and had taken the phone into another room. He was more concerned with me running up the bill.this was in the 80's. I did challenge him and asked him why he hit me?

My dad got on with his life and so did I. My dad never punched me but he shouldn't have slapped me but these things happen.

If your DH is normally quite calm then this must have tipped him over the edge. Yes in an ideal world he wouldn't have chased her but he is human.

usualsuspect · 05/06/2012 12:50

Your dad hit you when you were 22 and you think thats ok ?

I would have never spoke to my dad again if he had hit me several times tbh

FallenCaryatid · 05/06/2012 12:52

He should have told you to leave when you were 18 rather than turn to violence.

yellowraincoat · 05/06/2012 12:56

I actually cannot believe how many people here are saying "well, she must have pushed him to his limits."

She is a child. His child for that matter.

OP, you need to do something. Get out, get him to anger management, call social services. At the very least, your daughter needs to see that this is not OK.

NarkedRaspberry · 05/06/2012 12:56

'The basis of this argument was that he said you do this - end of conversation and she yelled in typical teenage fashion that it was her decision she was an adult and he was to shut up and leave her alone!'

'(she) is normally a great kid'

'he's not used to being crossed and doesn't know how to deal with it.'

'she stomped off to her room and he charged after her - he completely lost it. I jumped on him while he took a swipe at her with his fist (luckily missing).'

And people are saying not to view her as the victim and it's good for to see what happens if she pushes it? Really?

So the message is, the one time you get angry and stand up for yourself your father will chase you down and try to thump you?

NarkedRaspberry · 05/06/2012 12:59

Jesus Alemci, you think that's normal?

NarkedRaspberry · 05/06/2012 13:01

May I point out that when this gets back to her teachers - which hopefully it will - SS will be contacted. Maybe then your DH will start to take this seriously.

NarkedRaspberry · 05/06/2012 13:06

A normal human reaction would be for him to to be in tears and trying to get help to deal with his anger problem. You've said yourself that only reason your daughter doesn't have a black eye is her reflexes and you physically restraining him.

colditz · 05/06/2012 13:06

You have to throw him out before his injures one of your children.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 05/06/2012 13:07

I'm at all the people saying that your DD should learn not to provoke him...

Your DH is the adult in the situation and he needs to take responsibility for what happened.

Greensleeves · 05/06/2012 13:09

what colditz said. we all know how angry kids can make you. you don't hit them. ever.

colditz · 05/06/2012 13:10

The only reason I didn't press charges against my own father was that I knew he would lose s job and my mother would be homeless as they would lose their house.

People are allowed to use any words they wish to use without being thumped, without the threat of violence, and without having to dodge punches.

If you don't make him move out, you will lose your daughters respect forever, and you will deserve that. Everyone makes mistakes, punching someone is not a mistake, it is a deliberate act of violence that your children deserve to be protected from, and if you don't make him move out, your daughter is entitled to ask the social services to move her into foster care, as she is very clearly at risk from him.

He didn't merely threaten her, if she hadn't ducked, she might have a broken jaw. He's a shit.

LulaPalooza · 05/06/2012 13:10

This happened to me when I was about 15. I was being a stroppy teenager about something... neither Dad nor I can remember what it was about... and he went for me. I threatened to call Childline.

He was in tears afterwards and so was I, but we sat down together and talked about it, really properly talked about it and then apologised to each other and that was that. He never did it again and I was more respectful.

You're understandably feeling very raw about it right now, but that will lessen in time IF he and DD can sit down properly and talk about it.

I'm not trying to minimise in any way what he did, it was totally out of order and he should not have lost control, but it is possible to move on.

I hope you're all ok xx

colditz · 05/06/2012 13:13

yes, we mustn't say mean things when we are teenagers, or the adult men who are supposed to protect us might have to thump us, and that would be really sad for them.

Greensleeves · 05/06/2012 13:14

the phrase "she asked for it" is hanging over this thread

and it is never a good phrase, is it?

Bucharest · 05/06/2012 13:23

Have I suddenly entered some parallel universe I was unaware of?

I mean,I'm aware of the one that says no child should ever be told off or disciplined in any way because that might scar his PFB little soul for life etc etc......there are enough of those threads around.

But a thread where a 15 yr old is thumped by her father because she did waht 15 yr olds have done since we were all 15?Got lippy?

My niece was hit 2 years ago by her mother's boyfriend. The police were involved and there is now a restraining order on him not to approach her.

Your husband wants to thank his lucky stars your daughter hasn't called the rozzers on him. (and I fervently hopethat the people she turns to outside of the family, because it doesn'tlook like she can trust anybody in it) tell her to do so.

Utterly utterly despicable.

PigletJohn · 05/06/2012 13:26

thread title says "thumped" but surely text says "took a swing at but didn't hit"

neither is admirable.

NarkedRaspberry · 05/06/2012 13:27

I would read up on some of the experiences of women/children who live with men who are abusive. Do any of the comments about walking on eggshells sound familiar? Do you find yourself avoiding expressing your opinion to him or challenging him about little things? Does his mood dictate behaviour in the house? Do you find yourself encouraging the DCs to steer clear of him or be quiet to avoid irritating him?

If this is truly a one off then you need to help him to take it seriously and get help expressing and managing his emotions. It is not something that you can ignore and, to develop into healthy adults, your children need to know that they can express themselves - even if that means being unpleasant sometimes - without the threat of physical violence.

NarkedRaspberry · 05/06/2012 13:30

The OP says he chased after the DD, then swung at her with his fist. The daughted ducked and then the OP jumped on her husband to restrain him.

pumpkinsweetie · 05/06/2012 13:47

Haven't read the whole thread just the first post.
I would seriously consider leaving your husband over this, his behaviour is abusive whether it happend once or umpteen times.
You do not swing a punch at a child no matter what!- being lippy is what all teenagers do and if he loses his temper of that, then god knows what he will do next time or if one of your other dcs 'upsets' him!
Do you realise what would have happened if you had not been there op??-think about it ?

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