Father thumped teenage daughter 15

[confusedandmiserable]

Normally we are a pretty calm and happy family but my daughter (who is normally a great kid) managed to push all my husbands buttons on Sunday - they yelled at each other - then she stomped off to her room and he charged after her - he completely lost it. I jumped on him while he took a swipe at her with his fist (luckily missing). I separated them and she became hysterical. Afterwards - everything calmed down and apologies were given and I will stress that this has never happened before. Now she says the image of her father (who has never raised a hand to her before) is of him coming at her like and animal and she can never see him in the same way again. Also she says if she hadn't ducked she would have had a black eye. My other two children 14 and 10 also witnessed and condemed their father for this. I have to admit - I also saw a different completely irrational side of him - we've been happily married for 17 years.

I guess I don't know how to take this forward as there will always be this stain now - he knows it must never happen again and that he was very stupid but I do feel he has marred the childhood of all three children and diminished himself in their (and my eyes). He a man of deep feelings and not good at articulating them and I think this is what happened. Everybody knows this was really wrong.

I think I'm just looking for advice on how to move forward as a family after this.

I am shocked at all the "she provoked him"/"poked a sleeping bear" type comments.

Isn't that the pathetic defence of every violent man? She made me do it? I was provoked?

Deep down, your husband thinks your daughter is inferior to him, doesn't deserve to have her own opinions, doesn't deserve to be spoken to with respect. OP, you talk of your DH being deserving of respect, well I think your almost adult daughter also is. Some of her views might be mistaken - even dangerous, but she deserves to have them considered and discussed rationally, as any other adult would.

Your husband provoked this whole thing by dealing with her like an errant dog and trying to impose his will - by force if necessary. He's not the man you thought he was.

wow he was so in the wrong
he needs to sit down and talk to her and clear this up.
you need to support her.

So what happens next time, when one of the younger kids angers him? They might not be so quick to duck

He was almost in tears...

Almost?!!!! So he didn't even feel bad enough to actually BE in tears?

OP I think you really need to open your eyes here.

She needs your support, not your DH

I'm really sorry that this happened.

As a girl who was regularly thumped by her dad aged 15 and younger, and who now has no particular relationship with him and no respect for him, I think your husband should take your daughter out on his own and sincerely apologise to her. I grew up having the image of my dad coming at me to hit me or to scream at me, and it was the worst thing and has really fucked me up tbh, so I get what your daughter is saying about how she can't see her dad in the same way again.

Things like this are never ever forgotten, and if he doesnt get a lid on his anger, it will never be forgiven either. He should attend either an anger management class or try some techniques to calm himself. You say your daughter is a good kid normally, that is my eyes makes this worse. What he did was totally inexcusable and if he wants to set a good example as a man to your daughter then this must never happen again under any circumstances.

She was walking away from him and he swiped to PUNCH her?

My God I would pounce on DH like a tiger if he did this to DD. Your natural instict is to protect a young girl who should be able to live in her home without the threat of violence from a grown man!
I am so disturbed by this. Really, really worrying. Your poor girl she must be shaken.

the dickheads on here posting the provoked stuff need to wise the hell up and unless you have been in a situation like this, shut up and stay like it. People like you are condemning things like domestic violence, hence why so many suffer behind closed doors because it's somehow their 'fault'. Shame on you idiots seriously.

Blimey, I missed that he actually ran after her to punch her. Wow.

What IamNotAmused said

I thought the point of posting anything on MN was to get a range of opinions and suggestions so that the OP has more choices to make a decision from?
No one should be shutting up or staying out of this if they feel that they have something useful to offer. No one should be bulldozing the OP either.

domestic violence has many faces. SOmeone screaming abuse at another person is also abusive. If a teenaged boy was bellowing at his mum and she went to slap his face (but missed), would we be condemning her? Telling her she was wrong, yes. Telling her she must leave the family home, no.

We do not know what went on, but the OP has said it was out of character for both parties. Thats why it needs to be discussed openly and fully as a family, and strategies made to ensure it never happens again. And consequences set for if it ever does. The most obvious being that the police will be called and the DH will be removed from the household without further discussion.

The damage can be repaired here. The family does not need to be destroyed because of something that nearly happened. Brushing it under the carpet is not an option though OP.

What should she say then?It's ok dad I will shut up and put up?

Mnetters don't like teenagers at all do they.

Your poor DD She must be feeling very scared and vulnerable at the moment. Your DH has behaved appallingly; aiming a punch at his own child? It's disgraceful.

Sounds like your DD was being rude and she deserved a telling off, but NOT a punch to the face. I hope she tells EVERYONE what he did to her, family, friends, teachers... he needs shaming and so do you if you decide to brush this under the carpet. A line has been crossed now and I expect she will never forgive or forget what her father did to her. Protect your daughter, she must come first and she should not be told that she 'drove Daddy to this' she is not to blame for him throwing a punch at her.

What a terrible situation to find yourself in.

I agree with posters above that you cannot be too supportive of your daughter in this - its not possible for you to be "too much on her side".

I have a serious problem with the argument that your husband just "lost control" as a one off, and that that would be a reason why as a family you should move on from this. If he were at work, or out shopping, or having a conversation with you, or his parents for example, then he would surely never "lose control" however great the provocation. He would never hit any of those people. So he has some level of self control. (If you think he in fact does not have the self control to deal with provocation from a stranger, his boss, a man in a bar, you, whoever, then that is another serious problem).

So what was the difference in this case? The difference was that he did not stop himself from chasing after and attempting to hurt your daughter. The differences in circumstance: he was in his own house, he is physically larger and stronger than her so she could not fight back, perhaps he considers himself "the man of the house", or importantly he expected no serious repercussions since his wife and probably also his children would not want to"take things further" or "escalate" the situation.

Your husband has shown that either (in the best case scenario) he has no ability to control his anger or to restrain himself from physically attacking people; or (more frightening) that he is not willing to place the same level of control on his emotions when it comes to protecting his own daughter from harm as he would when dealing with an adult or where he felt there would be personal repercussions for his behaviour. Its pretty obvious that whichever explanation you decide on, something needs to be done.

Is that the message some of you want to send to your DDs? Don't provoke or you will get a punch?

Confused things can get better, my Dad only once ever raised a hand and hit one person the shock to him was bigger then the that of the person he hit [open palm across the face]. He and my Dsis apologized she like your DD had pressed all his buttons whilst he was at his lowest and both emotionally and physically exhausted. They both learned from it I know now that my DMum had many a conversation with him and yes there was a huge breach of trust but they learned better ways of communication and now my Dsis and Dad are best buddies you cannot come between them. We developed clear guide lines of communication and respect that I believe are now very important trust was rebuilt and is stronger.
If you believe in your heart and soul that this is a once off and there is no danger of any violence then develop a communication strategy for the whole family that will avoid arguments, and if DD does become overly hormonal then it may be a good idea to deal with that also for her own sake.

I'm with Wilding too. Noone would argue this in the case of a wife.

And I don't get why posters on this thread assume that the dd must be running a campaign of disrespecting her father just because he says he feels disrespected.

What the OP has said is:

that the children are usually so good that her dp simply isn't used to being crossed

that the dp is prone to imposing his views

that the conversation that ended badly consisted of the dp telling the dd "what to do end of conversation"- and her yelling back at him

now yelling back at him was obviously bad manners, but don't most of us who have good relations with our teens get there by discussing and treating them respectfully rather than trying to impose our views, end of conversation?

Anyway, that is irrelevant. What is relevant, OP, is how would you like your dd to react in future years if her boyfriend goes for her because he feels disrespected and then refuses to discuss the issue further because
"his way of dealing with it is to try to put it behind him and get on with life."

There are two things that will influence her attitude towards men later in life:

a) how her father behaves towards her

b) how other adults in her life (=you) react to that behaviour

in the 9:39 post, Tough.

I am well aware that teenagers can be obnoxious (tell me about it )

But very wary of anything that might give a young girl the idea that talking back at someone who tells you what to do counts as emotional abuse and is on a par with physical violence.

I think you are right to want to deal with this as a family and am shocked at the attitude of some saying you should make him leave.

Teenagers can be horrendously provocative, to my shame I once smacked DS1 at about 14 in a "situation" and remember the horror of the feelings afterwards. Nobody suggested either one of us was 100% wrong, just based on gender. We dealt with the issues together and became a better, stronger family.

Encourage them both to acknowledge their part in this and learn from it as a family. Don't be pushed into kneejerk reactions by partisan advice.

After decades of violence against my DM, my father finally punched me when I was about 16 and I haven´t had any contact with him since. I always knew his behaviour was unacceptable.

This case to me is completely different. The father has been a good husband and been involved in a happy family life for the last 17 years. His behaviour was shocking but also completely out of character. I suspect something has happened that the OP doesn´t know about that has led to this lack of control. This is not making excuses for him but an acknowledgement that everyone is human and capable of making mistakes that will be regretted for a lifetime.

My father-in-law punched his son in a similar way 30 years ago and it has never been forgotten in the family. He is a completely mild mannered man and never ever repeated this behaviour. How sad it would have been if he had been ordered out of the house all that time ago. Of course the whole family is in complete upset here but I think apologies have been made all round and everyone should learn from it.

Toughasoldboots, I was not suggesting that the husband was on a par with a wife beater. Merely that if the girl is told that talking back is an excuse for physical violence, then she will be less safe when she is out in the big world and in love with her first boyfriend. Who may not be the same basically good person her father is.

Fathers have an enormous responsibility not only for what they do themselves but for the message they teach.

If the father pulls himself together and tells her that nothing can excuse physical violence and that he accepts that (and then pulls her up in a more appropriate manner the next time she is disrespectful), then she will have that message to take with her into life and she will be the safer for it.

If he keeps silent because he wants to get on with his life, and the mother tells the girl that it was ok because he felt disrespected, then that will be the message she takes away.

If she feels frightened, then those feelings need to be acknowledged, however much it hurts either parent. Otherwise, she will learn not to trust her feelings, and again you could see where that could go wrong, later in life, with a possibly less reliable partner.

Not saying leave the bastard. Just saying, deal with this well and you have done your daughter a service that lasts for years.