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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

She can't be bothered to study but wants and expects success. How involved do you get?

83 replies

pebblestack · 08/05/2012 11:04

DD is 15. Exams this year. Mock orals next week.

Bank holiday. She said she'd work all morning because she wanted to spend the afternoon with friends. Except that she got up at 11, watched TV until nearly midday and got all shouty and stroppy when I asked when, exactly, she was going to fit in the work she had planned to do (so as to be free for a party she wants to go to at the weekend).

She was disappointed with recent test results and whinges for ages about how she thought she'd do better.

For some reason she can't see the link.

How involved do you get? We help her when required, but e.g. for history, "helping" her usually involves teaching her what she couldn't be bothered to listen to in class.

Keeping her in won't make her work, it'll just make her resentful. And I'd like her to start taking some responsibility for her own success (or failure...) It makes me want to weep - she is very capable, but just can't quite be bothered.

OP posts:

mumblechum1 · 08/05/2012 12:06

I know it's hard but you have to let them learn the hard way. My ds did badly in his GCSEs last year,only got 5As and 5bs & a C but was supposed to get at least 8 A/A*s (for medicine). He only did about 12 hours work a week and was gutted when his GCSE results weren't what he was expecting, but to be fair he has now got the link, knows he won't get into med school now, and is working really really hard for his As's, as he knows now that pissing about isn't going to get the results he needs.

hard as it is, you have to give your dd the choice of working and getting the results or failing and having to retake the most important ones in Jan.

Good luck.

wordfactory · 08/05/2012 12:09

OP, does she have any long term plans? And are these reliant upon exam success?

Rezolution · 08/05/2012 12:11

Pebblestack Now the Bank Hol is over is a good time to get tough. Stop all her gallivanting and make her get her head down. Yes, seriously.

webwiz · 08/05/2012 12:16

I tend to get involved with organisation rather than the actual content of the work at this age. Some teenagers can be terrible at prioritising their work and seeing the consequences of not completing it.

Rather than accepting the vague "oh I'll do it on Monday" I'd sitting her down and working out a list of what she has to do and a reasonable estimate of how long it will take. Then if she doesn't do it I would stop her going out with friends and I wouldn't particularly care about resentment.

If mine get a into a bit of a mess with school work then they have to work in the kitchen rather than their rooms till they get on top of it. It isn't meant to be a punishment but it stops procrastination and the spreading out of a ten minute homework over two hours.

melodyangel · 08/05/2012 13:26

I agree with webwiz. Help them sort out a timetable explain that if they stick to it they will get everything done quicker and easier. I also helped DS1 go through all his papers, files and folders and put everything in order so it was easier for him to get going. Get her to stick to it for a week and see how she feels after that. If she sticks to it maybe a nice treat for you both. I think for GCSE students a bit of bribery goes a long way.

Oh and good luck to your DD.

Original poster

pebblestack · 08/05/2012 14:18

Yes she has aspirations. She is aiming quite high despite a couple of her teachers openly voicing doubts about her chances. They all say she is capable of so much more

Like homework in kitchen idea but not really workable - small kitchen, lively little brother etc

Might have to take over her life. Timetable everything. Cancel social events at last minute. Oh but the pain! She will be HELL.

OP posts:

Original poster

pebblestack · 08/05/2012 14:37

There is a bribe in place, in the form of the phone she has been hankering for, if she achieves certain results in her exams. She set the result herself and it isn't impossible - probably her "natural" level, if she put the work in. But she is a long way off on current form and is already trying to renegotiate the deal.

I say often how much nicer it would be for me and her if I didn't have to keep checking up on her, dragging test results and homework details out of her so as to be sure I have the full picture. She can see I don't do it with her sister, who just gets on with it, so it's not ME.

What riles the most is that she shouldn't even need help with all this. She isn't stupid, chaotic or forgetful. She is capable, bright and reasonably organised. It's that she can't be bothered to do it herself, probably because it's not fun.

OP posts:

webwiz · 08/05/2012 14:48

She's 15 of course she needs help with all this. Even the most organised child can fall down when the GCSE years start. Success at GCSE level is hugely related to organisational skills rather than just ability - 10/11 subjects all with different assessments, exams and requirements. Even the most organised child can have a wobble faced with it all and choose to bury their head in the sand.

mycatsaysach · 08/05/2012 14:53

oh dear op you have my sympathy i remember the horror of gcse revision

if she's anything like my ds you have to help your dd - be firm it will be awful but you have to get the revision done even if it means sitting with them and going through it on a one to one basis.for ds's french he went to a tutor as he was more likely to listen to them and comply.

good luck.btw it gets worse in a levels.

mindgone · 08/05/2012 16:59

Thanks so much for this thread! I just got my 15yo DS to read it! "yeah yeah, I get the picture!" I really hope he does! Only Y10 this year, but still a few heavy modules coming up.

Original poster

pebblestack · 08/05/2012 17:10

But I did well in my GCSEs and A' levels without help from my parents, so did DH and all our siblings, we didn't need parents to tell us what to do and when. She is no less capable than we were, and I'm pretty sure things are no harder!

Maybe the fact that we were swotty types makes us impatient with her lack of self discipline?

We will talk to her, and help her plan her work and revise with her if necessary because we can't cross our arms and watch her fail. But it'll be through gritted teeth...

OP posts:

Original poster

pebblestack · 08/05/2012 17:11

so glad to have helped mindgone! Make sure your DS puts his money where his mouth is...!

OP posts:

webwiz · 08/05/2012 20:10

Things aren't harder pebblestack but they are very different. When DD2 took her GCSEs we counted how many exams she had taken over year 10 and 11 and it was something ridiculous like 29 separate exams then of course there was all the coursework.

I started revising just before O levels and did absolutely fine with no need for very much planning other than a multicoloured list of when the exams were. Two years of little bits of assessment would have driven me mad!

twoterrors · 09/05/2012 15:50

I agree with everything webwiz says - I have my first dc about to start GCSEs and this all rings a bell. And they are very spread out, so you have to organise over months and months of CAs and exams. It is unrelenting. We are looking at about 20 papers this summer, on top of loads of CAs, and four modules last summer. That's for 10 GCSEs.

I'd help her break it into bite-size chunks and however painful, try making her get up early and get some done, because otherwise it feels like that day is already wasted and there is no point in starting......she may then get a bit of a buzz, do something fun, and then be happier doing a bit more.

And open wine.

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 09/05/2012 18:19

I has this with DS1.. I had his teachers ringing me at home in despair as they knew he was capable of moderate grades but he just didn't do enough (any!) work.

In the end I took over. I pretty much nailed him to the kitchen table with past papers that I had downloaded from the exam board's web sites.. he was allowed out when he had completed them (usually two a day) and only then.

He hated me.. really really hated me.... til results day when he got 7 good passes! We thought he would fail english and maths but being mean worked!

His sisters on the other hand were self motivated..I never did anything and they came out with all A/A* so I think it was a case of personality.. he justs didn't see why it MATTERED...

Solopower · 09/05/2012 19:01

I don't think there is any approach that works for everyone.

The worst approach is mine, I think. I used to nag my son intermittently, get cross, go into his room at odd times to check he was working (he never was), try to scare him with news articles about how difficult it is nowadays to get a job, compare him with his successful older siblings, try to shame him into working ... I used emotional blackmail ('I work so hard to keep you; you need to pay me back by getting good marks'); I tried waving carrots in front of his eyes: an hour's driving practice if he does an hour's Physics first; I threatened, bullied, cajoled, wept. Now I have given up. And he still isn't working and will fail his exams.

So don't do what I did. Webwiz seems to have it sorted.

mumblechum1 · 09/05/2012 20:08

I don't really agree with getting too involved with their work, it is THEIR work, not ours, and if they don't learn to do it themselves how can we expect them to manage at Uni when we're not there to breathe down their necks?

webwiz · 09/05/2012 20:25

Well by the time they get to uni they are much more mature and hopefully want to be there.

DD1 was very like the OP's DD and was a bit hopeless till the end of A levels. She was transformed by going away to university and now is very organised and works incredibly hard.

ThatVikRinA22 · 09/05/2012 20:45

god op your op could be me. Ive just got a very disinterested DD to read this, but she just digs her heels in and refuses all offers of help - she is extremely well organised, eminently sensible, but at the first sign of what she thinks might be a failure she gives up and switches off.
i have no idea how to engage her, and she refuses all my efforts. She also wants to go to college to do law, english and media. She doesnt seem to see that without the results she wont get there.

Solopower · 09/05/2012 20:57

Vicar, my son would really like your daughter. Soul mates.

But - there is hope (I tell myself). People change a lot as they grow up. It's a race against time, really. Will they gain enough maturity in time to protect themselves against failure and disappointment?

The other thing I tell myself is that academic qualifications can be acquired later, if needed. And there are plenty of other ways of being happy in life.

webwiz · 09/05/2012 21:05

Well Solopower DD1 did say to me at one point "If my generation are going to have to work until they are in our 70s what's the big deal with getting qualifications right now?" I must admit I was lost for words with that one

ThatVikRinA22 · 09/05/2012 21:29

solo what is frustrating is when you know that with just a tiny amount of effort they could do it!

she has the brains, she is wayyyyy better organised at almost 15 than i am now at 40, she is sensible, she its very "wise" but just seems so scared of failure that she wont try, so then in her mind its not a failure, its cant be arsedness, and that, appears to he,r to be more favourable than trying and failing.

it drives me mad. But the more i push the more fraught she gets and so i am inclined to leave her to it - she could decide she wants to do it later i guess. Its frustrating because she would love higher education, but if she wants to do it then i guess she will in her own time. She refuses to be pushed.

Solopower · 09/05/2012 21:58

Vicar, I felt/feel exactly as you do about my son. But I have always admired rebels - I'd just rather they weren't ranged against me. Your daughter sounds as if she has a lot going for her, and those attributes will stand her in good stead throughout her life.

Webwiz, I can't help thinking that your daughter has a point. It's good to get some perspective on it. These young people are under a lot of pressure to perform at this particular moment in their lives, when maybe they would benefit from a bit nore time to decide what they really want to do. But the minute they are motivated, there will be no stopping them.

I mishandled everything, Vicar, and feel I let my son down. His first exam is on Friday (Highers - like A levels) and I can't believe that he has done anywhere near enough work to pass.

But - you can see I am determined to be positive here - when he does fail, he'll still be at home, and maybe I'll be able to help him to look at other options. Character-building. For me at least ...

ThatVikRinA22 · 09/05/2012 22:17

well solo if its any consolation DS also did fairly miserably in his A levels despite getting excellent grades at GCSE - he is still going to uni, he just took a slight detour - but he is still doing the subject he wants to do, and he also works part time in his chosen field and has done since he was 17, and he has AS, so like you say, when motivated, they do it.

DD is exactly like her father. he drives me mad aswell I am going to have to trust that she will find a way to do what interests her when the time is right for her. The more i offer to help the more she backs off, the more i talk about it the more upset she gets, the more i push the more stubborn and arsey she gets.
i want to help but she wont let me. DH is more placid and laid back than me so he has now become her 'handler' and im trying to keep quiet in the hope that he may manage her teenage strops better than me.

Solopower · 09/05/2012 22:31

Yes, Vicar - in our family 17 has always been a problematic age, but so far everyone has come through and is doing what they wanted to, even if they had to take a detour on the way, as you say.

Hope that makes you feel a bit better too, Pebblestack?

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