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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

She can't be bothered to study but wants and expects success. How involved do you get?

83 replies

pebblestack · 08/05/2012 11:04

DD is 15. Exams this year. Mock orals next week.

Bank holiday. She said she'd work all morning because she wanted to spend the afternoon with friends. Except that she got up at 11, watched TV until nearly midday and got all shouty and stroppy when I asked when, exactly, she was going to fit in the work she had planned to do (so as to be free for a party she wants to go to at the weekend).

She was disappointed with recent test results and whinges for ages about how she thought she'd do better.

For some reason she can't see the link.

How involved do you get? We help her when required, but e.g. for history, "helping" her usually involves teaching her what she couldn't be bothered to listen to in class.

Keeping her in won't make her work, it'll just make her resentful. And I'd like her to start taking some responsibility for her own success (or failure...) It makes me want to weep - she is very capable, but just can't quite be bothered.

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 13/05/2012 12:06

The biggest problem with the theory is that it is very tedious for parents . All that being available for miscellaneous questions, testing and re-testing verbs etc. But it does work, if you can find ways to work around the boredom!

Tannhauser · 13/05/2012 12:12

I don't think tutoring is the answer- it's yet another way for them to abdicate responsibility for the work that needs to be done.
Whoever said making them learn responsibility was right.

I am struggling atm- my DD is incredibly bright, but super-lazy... just like me.
I want her to be more fulfilled, so am trying to instill good habits whilst young.

Tannhauser · 13/05/2012 12:16

Pebblestack- I am instigating the whole family sitting at the table, 'working'.
3yo has been doing pen skills this morning while dd does her hw. He has just been diagnosed as having a severe eyesight difficulty, and now has specs, so lots of catching up to do on hand-eye co-ordination.

Meow75isknittinglikemad · 13/05/2012 12:17

Webwiz said on page 1:

"Well Solopower, DD1 did say to me at one point "If my generation are going to have to work until they are in our 70s what's the big deal with getting qualifications right now?" I must admit I was lost for words with that one"

My response to that, as a secondary teacher, is to say, "If you get them now, you don't have to pay for them up front (with the current gov't criteria will be stricter to decide who gets help with qualifications) AND once you've got them no-one can take them away from you. Then, once you have made up your mind of what you want to do in life, you'll have to spend less time getting qualified as you'll already have the basics"

At the very least it makes them think. You'd just have to hope it sinks in quickly enough.

TheSoggyBunny · 13/05/2012 12:25

Hmmm tricky, I'm reading this by way of procrastinating my revision. sitting at my desk, books on front of me. (mature student)

You can lead a horse to water and all...

BeeInMyBonnet · 13/05/2012 12:29

Oh dear me this sounds familiar My dd is in yr 8, capabale and bright. She turns in fantastic work and gets good marks. Her teachers love her.

But what they don't see..oh the angst and the procrastination and the wafting about in a strop about 'all this work'. Then being snappy and foul to us all about it and me cajoling and threatening and washing my hands of it and sharpening pointy sticks to prod her and yelling and cuddling and mulling it all over for ages. Argh JUST DO IT!

I'm knackered with it and she's not even done options or exams yet. And I have 2 more dc in the wings yet to start at senior school Ds is manana central when it comes to homework so goodness knows what he'll be like

startail · 13/05/2012 13:03

My Mum kept a vague eye on me. She has commented I worked harder for my O levels than my A levels (and politely not mentioned that the results showed it)

But non of this modern hands on stuff, I'd have gone ballistic and done absolutely nothing.

From reception, school and home were separate. We didn't take reading books home. I failed to tell my Mum I had spellings to learn in Y5 and Y6.

I never felt school was my parents business and they didn't pry.

DH is pretty hands on with DD1, but I only help if asked. She's dyslexic and does ask sometimes and values her privacy at others.

I dint think you can get a child to work who doesn't want to. You can gently remind and provide a quiet place to work. You can gently catch them on their Xbox and look, but you can't force them.

DD2 should be doing some SATs revision, but I'm not going to push because she'll be awful if she gets in a panic.

Bletchley · 13/05/2012 13:36

Primary school homework is important, if only because it gets them into good habits. You have to believe it is important and make it clear to them that there is a set time to do it. After tea in the kitchen worked for us in primary. Once the habit is set you are rolling for the secondary years.

If you believe they shouldnt have it, and you let them know that, you are sunk.

Distractions in their rooms - well that's within your control, isn't it. Take them out (phones, iPods). Don't put them in to start with (computers, TVs).

It's not hard! Oh and i have two boys.

webwiz · 13/05/2012 13:48

That's the problem startail school and home aren't separate anymore. DCs do better these days if parents are involved. Even DD2 who was incredibly hardworking was overwhelmed by the amount of coursework deadlines she had just before she sat her GCSEs and needed help with how to plan her time.

DS who is in year 10 has various bits of GCSEs this year but also has his Duke of Edinburgh expedition, his guitar lessons, music club and play rehearsals as well as family coming to stay for his confirmation. He is hardworking and wants to do well but is not the best at forward planning. I did sit down with him to work out when he should start revising and how he can fit it all in. My O levels were just finish syllabus - revise - take exams. If that was what my DCs were doing I wouldn't be involved at all.

Follyfoot · 13/05/2012 13:51

I suspect some who have instilled good habits when their children are small might not think its all so straightforward when their children reach about 15 or 16

mirry2 · 13/05/2012 13:51

I remember it well. My dd was impossible to help. She wouldn't allow any discussion, we didn't know whether she was revising or not because she just barricaded herself in her room, she didn't care about pocket money, or going out with driends so sanctions didn't work, we got her tutors, sent her to summer school for revision and she learnt nothing. Her GCSEs were abysmal -only 2 As, and the rest were Bs and Cs. She got an A, B and a C at A level, somehow managed to get into a good university (blagged her way through an interview), missed their conditional offer of AAB but they still let her in and she graduated with a high 2:1 and is now studying for her Masters.
So don't give up hope - it can turn out OK in the end.

Solopower · 13/05/2012 13:53

Agreed, Webwiz - it really is totally different these days. Course work is the real killer.

Bletchley, I agree about distractions in their room. I made that mistake with youngest son. And of course you don't tell them your opinions about HW! If they've got it, they've got to do it.

Original poster

pebblestack · 13/05/2012 13:58

Distractions = staring out of window, admiring/critiquing self in mirror, lying on bed. No PC, no TV, never any phone credit, broken ipod.

Truly, she would find a dozen alternative occupations in an empty windowless cell.

OP posts:

mirry2 · 13/05/2012 14:03

peeblestack - I so understand your frustration

amillionyears · 13/05/2012 14:05

Only read page 1, agreed with webwiz.
What I did with one of my DD, was wrote 2 lists.
I first went through each subject with her and got her to tell me where she was at with each subject, how she was getting on with it etc.
I then sent her out the room.
I wrote on 1 piece of paper the grades I thought she could realistically get if she put in reasonable work.
I wrote on the other peice of paper, the grades I thought she would get if she couldnt be bothered to do the work.
I then called her back in.I told her to imagine it was August.Showed her both pieces of paper, and asked her which piece of paper she would like to receive as her results in August.
This had the desired effect.She got the results she was capable of.
I do appreciate though, in some cases, it might backfire if they choose the other route.

mirry2 · 13/05/2012 14:09

amillionyears - that sound a great arrangement but not if you have a chld that will not co-operate on any level. It's very difficult to make a teenager do anything they don't want to do, especially if they are determined not to.

Solopower · 13/05/2012 14:11

Yes, Mirry - it all depends on actually being able to talk to your child. Mine won't. Hasn't for two years.

amillionyears · 13/05/2012 14:17

In which case, i would do same sort of thing but with a longer time frame.Where do you want to be in 5 years time.what do you want to be doing.do you know how to get there as in what qualifications do you need.At one stage, another daughter wanted to be a social worker, but did not realise what qualifications were needed.she thought as it was some sort of childcare so childcare qualifications would be enough.

amillionyears · 13/05/2012 14:18

solopower, write her notes. or emails if you are sure she would read your emails.

Solopower · 13/05/2012 14:22

Amillionyears - I think what you suggest sounds like a good idea, just that it might not be so easy for all of us.

And no, he doesn't read my emails (I sometimes send him links to the school website or revision websites etc). At least he says he doesn't ...

BeeInMyBonnet · 13/05/2012 14:26

I know this has been done forever but so sums it all up .

mirry2 · 13/05/2012 14:46

There was a culture in my dd's school of everyone saying they hadn't done any work or revision and my dd got completely taken in even though I told her they were probably lying (it also happened when was at school but I was one of the ones who lied but was quietly beavering away). It took her years before she realised though and it wasn't until she got her GCE results and found she'd done so much waorse than everyone else, that she started doing a little bit of homework. Her main problem was that she wouldn't accept any help and disagreed with examination board requirements about what she should be learning. So, for example, in history, she didn't refer to the recommended sources because she didn't beleive them. I used to tell her passing an exam is about thinking smart and following instructions but would she listen? Grrr

Solopower · 13/05/2012 14:48

Very funny, Bee!

mirry2 · 13/05/2012 14:54

Bee that made me laugh out loud. so true!

amillionyears · 13/05/2012 14:56

loved it Bee.Thankfully mine were never as bad as that!
Solopower, is he one of those people who says no to things, but actually does them anyway.
FWIW, a lot of children at my chilrdrens school did relatively badly against their peers at GCSEs then pulled their socks up at A levels.They realised they were going to have to.

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