Daughter over reacting, screeching like a banshee upsetting siblings

[Heswall]

My DD thought she was late for school today which set off a tantrum, a howling fit and screeching in her younger siblings faces terrfying them.
I lost it with her after half an hour of this non sense and I'm ashamed to say I did shout back as did DH, we were at the end of our tether.
She sobs like the world has ended, scratches herself til she bleeds whenever she's under pressure.
Given that she's at a grammar I feel she ought to have better coping mechanisms, it's not that she isn't capable the school is very very pleased with her and her progressed.
I've asked the head of year to contact me about referring her to the school counsellor who comes in once a week to help with strategies.
Is the school the right people to deal with this ?

Should have said she is 11, year 7 and my eldest this is new territory for me, but the middle child has picked up on this behaviour and started to copy, frankly I can't cope if they all start performing in this way.

Yes, at least to start with. Starting secondary school is a big scary jump, not so much academically, but more the organisation, making friends and just finding your way around. She may be capable academically but she also sounds like a rather scared little girl who still needs cuddles and a listening ear from her mum. Don't wait for the self harming to go away by itself, I did and my DD held it together until year 10 and then completely fell apart.
I think this is much more common than people realise, so don't beat yourself up about it. Good luck.

DD 10 kicks off in similar ways. It is just so weird. We don't have self harming, just horrible verbal.

Sorry but it sounds normal. I woulD recommend reading up about teenagers. This is a good starting place.
Just because she is at grammar school does not mean she can cope with hormones and the weird brain structure of being a teenager any better than anyone else.

Welcome to my world.

It was the pressure I meant by referring to the grammar school, the fact that she is used to homework and deadlines, they are nothing new to her so why she's suddenly taken to acting like a 2 year old I don't know.
I'm bloody fed up of it already tbh, just 10 years to go til they all go to university or the forgein legion, who ever will have them

It's normal for a child to feel overwhelmed and scared in year 7. Even if they are
used to homework and deadlines. High school is a much bigger place than junior school and there is a lot
more organising. I found my
DDs needd more help
and reassurance in year 7 then they did at junior school. That doesn't mean I did everything for them but helped them organise their bags the night before and woke them up for school. Remember she is still a little girl.

Seemed to have accidentally urns smiley
In the middle of needed. Sorry typing on my iPod

I think the GP would be the first port of call, in all truth. Take her soon or the whole family will suffer and so will she.

Scratching herself until she bleeds, sobbing, and screeching in her siblings' faces losing the plot as a response to pressure, in other words is a long way from normal. Self harm such as scratching herself until she bleeds is a sign of extreme distress.

'Self harm can provide temporary relief from feelings such as anxiety, depression, stress or self-loathing. The pain inflicted can release endorphins and a rush of adrenaline which can become pleasurable to the sufferer.' Source -- www.priorygroup.com/Conditions/Mental-Health-and-Addictions-Conditions/Self-harm.aspx

Please take this seriously and get her the help she needs. It can progress.

Would you describe her as a perfectionist? Sensitive?

She sounds quite distressed. And you dont sound very sympathetic tbh.
Have you talked to her about it ?

Of course I've talked to her about it and been to the GP who told her to talk to me and stop scratching yourself. I'll read the link when I get a moment later but she's come home, had a snack in a bright breezy mood and skipped off to do her homework. Not sure what to make of it all but these tantrums are not pleasant to witness for any of the family but especially the little ones.

Sensitive yes, perfectionist sometimes if it suits her.

Well the GP just telling her to stop doing it is useless. she needs coping mechanisms and help. I cant believe a GP said that
I didnt mean to be a bitch above. I can see how frustrated you are.
Did she say why she does it ? why she ets so upset or doesnt she know ?

Can you afford to go to a private therapist? Would you need a referral?

Your GP was wrong to just tell her to talk to you and stop scratching herself. He or she should not have dismissed it so blithely. I am very surprised that this was the response.

Another article on self harm here. This is more than tantrums.

You can't deal with this on your own -- you really need professional help here.

Is it though, really ?

I could afford a private referable but i'd like to see what the school suggest first. I'm quite a private person IRL and so it took a lot to go to the GP but she just sat there staring at him when he asked what was wrong, grunted answers and carried on sulking. I don't know what more he could have done tbh.

Yes. This is serious. Your DD is struggling and needs help. Your GP could have done all sorts of things , councilling , referal , trials of medication. Id go to someone different to be honest.

Can i just say it is NOT normal to harm yourself when under stress. At all.

She's not having medication i'd rather go down the CBT route but my concern about all that is she has fuck all to worry about, if she can't cope with just going to school I don't know what to do.
I will try another GP though if we get another incident this week.

She is at a selective grammar school. She has hormones. She probably feels as if she looks like the back end of a bus (even if she looks like a super model). If you are like me, you may remember from pregnancy how the hormones flowed and you suddenly couldn't cope.
She probably feels as if teachers hate her if they don't smile at her and praise her every lesson. Added to this her brain doesn't work properly, so she misreads facial expressions, which is why teenage boys can be so violent. I have had an argument with my daughter because she misunderstood what I said and thought I had said exactly the opposite of what I said, she had misread facial expression and tone of voice. Teenage brains can't de ode this stuff as well as 8year olds.
She is at a Grammar school, so possibly is being challenged at school after years of coasting. She might no longer be the top of the class. Is her school mixed? If so boys can be horrible, my skinny daughter has been called: fat, a witch and stupid. If its just girls some may still be intimidating but in a different way.
Talk to her calmly. Talk to her school. Take her to see the GP if she keeps showing worrying symptoms. I give mine multi-vitamins, not sure if it helps but like teething powder it makes me feel better. (Is she eating properly and drinking enough?)

What the GP could have done is give a referral for the help the DD needs.

There may be other issues. It's not necessarily stress associated with school. It's not necessarily that she 'can't cope'. She is coping with something not in a healthy way or a way that is going to get a positive or helpful response this is what she is doing with the screaming and the sobbing and the scratching to the point of bleeding. Just what that is a mental health professional needs to find out. She might have OCD. She may be clinically depressed. There may be other mental health issues like general anxiety disorder or borderline personality disorder.

She needs to see a professional who can figure out what is going on and help her -- and help you to help her. Please do not rule out medication or decide in advance what her treatment should be. All therapies are not equal for all problems.

No boys although that's a mixed blessing I know, she's come from a good prep so hasn't been suddenly overloaded as many are I know.
Arghhh it's tough on them I know.
Nothing i say is right.

Heswell people can be very unwell with "fuck all to worry about" you know. I was, i was hospitalised. I had an ideal upbringing. didnt stop me being very ill.
You really dont sound sympathetic at all. No wonder shes struggling.
CBT might well be helpful for her. Is there a reason you wouldnt consider medication of any kind maybe if CBT isnt for her ?

I'm not sympathetic at the moment. I'm annoyed.

It doesn't matter whether you are a private person or not, your daughter needs help and you need to make it happen. It's a shame your GP was so unhelpful.
You don't necessarily know what she is worrying about, please don't belittle her feelings. She may be being bullied or getting worked up about something that seems trivial to you but huge to her. Wait till the little ones are in bed and give her a hug and a chance to talk one to one.

I work in pharma, i'd rather not go down the medication route at 11 if there is any other alternative.