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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Daughter over reacting, screeching like a banshee upsetting siblings

116 replies

Heswall · 26/03/2012 14:03

My DD thought she was late for school today which set off a tantrum, a howling fit and screeching in her younger siblings faces terrfying them.
I lost it with her after half an hour of this non sense and I'm ashamed to say I did shout back as did DH, we were at the end of our tether.
She sobs like the world has ended, scratches herself til she bleeds whenever she's under pressure.
Given that she's at a grammar I feel she ought to have better coping mechanisms, it's not that she isn't capable the school is very very pleased with her and her progressed.
I've asked the head of year to contact me about referring her to the school counsellor who comes in once a week to help with strategies.
Is the school the right people to deal with this ?

OP posts:

flow4 · 23/04/2012 23:36

I know; I wasn't suggesting that she might 'just get on with it'; I was suggesting that you may be angry with her because she isn't, as you would perhaps prefer her to, and as you yourself would :)
Night now :)

cory · 24/04/2012 08:30

Heswall Mon 23-Apr-12 23:12:06
"I am irritated by her behaviour, not suggesting she can help it but that doesn't stop it being irritating in the same way"

Now that is a feeling I can relate to. I know perfectly well that dd is ill, but it really doesn't make it any less tiring, does it?

I hope CAHMS get on with it soon. Could the school SENCO put pressure on them?

DrunkenDaisy · 25/04/2012 13:48

I think you do need counselling whether you want to or not. If you don't, I really can't see your relationship with your DD recovering when she's older.

Why on earth did you have another baby when you can't do right by the first one.

On this board, you come across as if you can't stand her and she's just a massive pain in the arse. I feel really sorry for her - what a horrible way to live.

Original poster

Heswall · 25/04/2012 16:19

Daisy are you pissed again ? On a weekday lunchtime too, doesn't look so good.

OP posts:

bringbacksideburns · 25/04/2012 16:24

What a horrible thing to say DrunkenDaisy.

Do you live in the house? Are you in a similar situation?

Best of luck Heswall.

Original poster

Heswall · 25/04/2012 16:29

She's had a good chat today with the school nurse and admitted she is under a lot of stress. She's going to meet with her weekly to introduce some relaxation techniques and see how that goes.
Thanks everyone for the constructive input.

OP posts:

Olympia2012 · 25/04/2012 16:56

Heswall...... Sympathies! However, is this just a morning thing?

The shouting and screaming? Is it confined to mornings, is the baby disturbing her sleep maybe?

I do think some if this is normal/hormones/tiredness. What does she think about counselling? My own dd refused it, and that is pretty much all that is on offer from CAMH. If the kids won't engage, then what then?

She has hit puberty. You have a baby. This won't last forever.

Original poster

Heswall · 25/04/2012 20:57

It's not the baby - it's her ipad keeping her up, we've resolved that though, she had been hiding it under the covers.

OP posts:

Olympia2012 · 25/04/2012 23:19

So is her tantrums just in the morning then?

Original poster

Heswall · 26/04/2012 07:27

Well no not really.

This morning she's sweetness and light.
I do think it's school because any hint of getting anything "wrong" or not understanding something she goes into a complete melt down.
I've tried to explain that the teachers are there to help and we will help but it's like she goes into a red mist and then cannot see straight or hear what we are saying.
I've bought a couple of books about teenagers brains and wiring and hopeful they will have some tips in there. It's quite frightening to watch when she's almost taken over by her emotions, must be for her too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Heswall · 26/04/2012 07:28

Thinking about it, it's not just school because her sisters can set her off too if they do something she doesn't approve of or wind her up.

OP posts:

flow4 · 26/04/2012 09:47

It really does sound like stress/emotional overload. How about helping her find other coping strategies and outlets, such as exercise and scented baths, or - when tensions reach boiling point - going for a run, hitting a punchbag or pillow. Screaming is horrible but relatively harmless... Could you take some of the drama and trauma out of it by treating it differently? I'd be inclined to try a response like "Oh, I see you need a Banshee Moment. Could you go to your room to scream please? Come on everyone else, let's leave her to get it out if her system". It might make it more bearable for you and your younger kids!
It does also sound quite normal 'teen behaviour'. The difficulty for you is that you have so much else going on at the moment, which makes it doubly-hard to deal with... The same is true for many parents of teens... It's such a pain shame our kids can't just behave like angels when we start new jobs/get made redundant/get ill/have a baby/move house/get divorced/have a bereavement/care for a sick relative/start the menopause/etc!
Seriously, how ARE you (we) supposed to give her (them) extra attention AND do everything else you (we) need to do?! But we DO, somehow, to the best of our abilities :)

ImperialBlether · 26/04/2012 20:01

Hi Heswall, as you know my daughter was at a girls' grammar only a few miles from you. Believe me, they tend to be a hotbed of neuroses! There were so many girls who were self harming, it became the norm. They would discuss the best way to do it, ffs. I know that when I was in school (again, a girls' grammar) some girls did do this, but it was always a private act - worse for being so, I think. Not for these girls.

So many girls had anorexia too - having an eating disorder of some kind became normal.

Many girls had lesbian experiences - girls who now show no sign of being gay. My daughter was furious when I told her she wasn't gay. "I might be!" was her response. She wasn't.

Many girls had abortions, too - far more than I think you'd find in many other schools. They'd talk these through with everyone - I think that is more healthy (to talk about it) but I did wonder why they didn't learn their lesson from others.

I think all of these things are common in girls' schools where they are bright and a lot is expected of them. The school helped my daughter get fantastic results right through to graduation, but I often wonder what she would have been like in another school. Happier maybe. Less qualified, almost certainly. Fewer scars? I don't know.

ImperialBlether · 26/04/2012 20:02

My daughter had a very poor body image. She was too young for a gym and I was at my wits' end. Eventually, when she was 13, I bought a treadmill. She pounded the life out of that thing and I have to say it was really good for her, both physically and mentally.

Original poster

Heswall · 26/04/2012 21:09

I do sometimes think, how many GCSE's does she need ? 5 would do the trick wouldn't it, so she could get those anywhere and then I could send her to a private school that specialised in her specific talents for A Levels.
I like the idea of the treadmill, wouldn't do me any harm either.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 26/04/2012 21:16

She really did get it all out of her system by running. And it was great for her self image - she lost weight and was really toned - her friends weren't, so that helped!

She'd put her headphones on and run for an hour a night - too knackered to argue afterwards!

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