Daughter over reacting, screeching like a banshee upsetting siblings

[Heswall]

My DD thought she was late for school today which set off a tantrum, a howling fit and screeching in her younger siblings faces terrfying them.
I lost it with her after half an hour of this non sense and I'm ashamed to say I did shout back as did DH, we were at the end of our tether.
She sobs like the world has ended, scratches herself til she bleeds whenever she's under pressure.
Given that she's at a grammar I feel she ought to have better coping mechanisms, it's not that she isn't capable the school is very very pleased with her and her progressed.
I've asked the head of year to contact me about referring her to the school counsellor who comes in once a week to help with strategies.
Is the school the right people to deal with this ?

I can tell you are annoyed. Do you think your DD can as well ? It might well be out of her control and knowing you are angry with her is probably very upsetting.
Do you think she can help it at all ?

I don't know if there are any remains of a Youth Service in your authority but if there is they will have prioritised some sort of support system for teenagers.
Look at the LA website and look for Information Services, or a Teen project.
If you can't find anything ring the switchboard, ask for Youth Service and someone will help.
Youth Workers don't play table tennis, they offer amazing support and can talk to young people in a way that parents and teachers can find too difficult.
Poor little girl, I send her a cwtch xx

Well that is what i'd like to know if it's attention seeking and she might have good reason for attention seeking or if there is something wrong and if there is what do to about it because this cannot carry on.
I'm not cross about her being upset i'm cross that she refuses to let anyone help.

Mummytime, cutting and over the top anger at the siblings is not a normal response to school pressures.

Thanks Earthymama i'll look into that

I think maybe talking to someone outside of the family might help. oing through the school might be a good idea. gives her chance to say things that for whatever reason she may not want to at home.
It might be that she doesnt think anyone can help. Or doesnt know where to start.

I agree, that's what I hope the school might be able to offer her.

Refusing to let people help is a sign of the feeling of complete isolation that a mh problem brings with it.

Don't take it personally when she doesn't embrace your overtures. She is not rejecting you. You saw her sitting in the doctor's office -- she grunted at him, stared, and 'sulked'. Something is horribly wrong. She is possibly unable to articulate it when directly asked or even when the people who love her try to reach her. A professional (psychiatrist or psychologist) would be able to draw her out.

And please do not think this is any reflection on you or your parenting either. She has not failed anyone in any way and neither have you. Something has gone awry and needs diagnosis and therapy.

Or she could just be a grumpy teenager.

You should see her now, just had a bath, sat eating crumpets with the baby on her knee making up stories to send him to sleep.

I was asked about the depression I experienced when I was 11 following starting at secondary school at a Relate app on Saturday. A number of years later.

Don't trivialise it. Don't go down the pharma route if you don't want to. But don't ignore it either.

And I forgot to say they are confidential and will work to build a rapport with her. If they suspect anything serious they will have a duty of care and WILL look after her.
You sounded cross but I suspect you are so frustrated; it is so hard when they get older.
I'm a grandmother to 5 and when they cause themselves unecessary grief I could scream.
I'm sending OP a cwtch too xx

As a rule i dont think most grumpy teenagers harm themselves. It is possibly to be "normal" but to have MH issues such as anxiety.
One of the problems for me was that the school had no idea at all. My school work was totally unaffected and i was very very good at having a persona of being alright to try and cover it up.
I was ashamed of the way i felt and even managed to sit my exams when i was so ill i could hardly leave the house. I had to stop going to school for quite a while as i would have panic attacks just leavin the house. Somehow i still managed to drag myself in for 3 hours a day as i was convinced i needed to sit my exams.

Ive no idea how i managed it, but i do remember hardly being able to breathe the entire time until i got home again.

So what were your symptoms ethelb if you don't mind my asking. I don't want to trivialise it but equally I have family member who are hypocondriacts and I don't need that in my life either it's bad enough a 60 year old playing up for sympathy, my concern is the 11 year old has seen this and thought I know that works I'll have a go.

Heswall I am sorry but you sound really unsupportive :(

Your poor DD is really suffering and struggling and you are minimising her obvious (internal) pain by sayings she is dramatic, attention seeking, making it up over nothing.

Whatever her reason for harming herself, it is a valid and real reason and she needs an adult (you) to be there to help her. Dismissing and invalidating her emotions will only serve to push her further in to herself and believe that she deserves to self harm.

So what if she has calmed down and having crumpets, should she be sad all of the time for it to be real? She is a person with many aspects and sometimes she will be a moody teenager, sometimes she will be happy and sometimes she will be really sad and frustrated. You need to help her manage and deal with these emotions by working with the school and your GP.

I started hurting myself at 12 and my Mum was similar and I was good at school and had a nice home. Hearing that I had nothing to worry about, frankly made me feel like shit. Self harming is not a nice coping mechanism to come to rely on, please help your child.

I am not saying anything at all to my DD

She will pick up on it.

I am not trying to upset you but I was a similar age when it all started for me and I wish my Mum had 'rescued' me when I did not have the words to explain what was going on for me, just the actions. I wish she had helped me get help early so I did have to spend a lifetime coming back to self harm because I realised at 12 that it helped me manage.

So what exactly could your mother have done ? How could she have rescued you ?
I'm asking this because i have never self harmed but I have been through the whole Samaritans thing as a teenager because I thought I had an issue which turned out to be a complete pack of lies. As a result I have made sure my DD has lead a charmed existence and now I don't quite know what it is she needs recusing from at the age of 11 I really don't.

Herself ? An illness that is beyond her control ? Anxiety and the inability to control it is not her fault.
I had a charmed existance. Money , clothes , holidays , loving parents who never rowed -everything i could want. Made no difference.

What I don't want is for her to get lots of 1 to 1 time, trips to see various people and as a result all the positive attention she gets is surrounding this because I will not have time for anything else it will take every ounce of spare energy I have, that's why I so so hoping she's just had a shit time at school or fallen out with somebody.

Help wise , make sure she can talk to someone , find or with professional help find coping mechanisms for her that dont involve harming herself. Change the way she deals with stress.
As a point. I was your DDS age when my MH problems really took over. Just changed from primary to secondary.

@Heswall I was generally desparate and anxious the whole time. I cried contantly. Sometimes hystericlaly. I couldn't think about anyoen but myself and how I was oging ot cope with the next day. And if I was going to do soemthing wrong, ie be late I would be virtually unable to walk.

I cried and cried and cried.

When I wasn't crying I was worrying. I couldn't sleep even though I was exhausted.

I think I wanted my Mum to acknowledge that for some reason things were not ok for me, and to vocalise that. Instead I was told I had nothing to worry about and not to be silly. I don't know why I feel (felt) so muddled up inside but being told (or having it implied) that the way you feel is silly or false can be damaging.

You DD obviously is struggling, to you there might not be a proper reason, but for her it is a real reason. Maybe she is finding school hard, I did well academically but felt overwhelmed with new people and a different routine and had no way to cope with that so I stopped eating and banged my head. And I had no idea why but I knew I felt weird and wrong and I think it would have helped to have had my Mum acknowledge and stick up for me with that.

Not everyone self harms or struggles because of a specific reason. I certainly don't.

She's nowhere near that bad ethelb and lets hope we can nip this in the bud sounds like you had a dreadful time of it.

Just to point out, I did 'grow out of it' and if anything I learnt how to cope. I was a depressive all through my teens and eventually learnt more coping stategies than most people have for difficult situations.