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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Considering bribing 14 year old dsd with a blackberry to get an implant - wwyd?

109 replies

humptydidit · 04/03/2012 21:56

Dsd age 14 is sexually active. She currently on the pill which she got originally to help with terrible mood swings and general raging hormones.

Have found out she is now using it as a contraceptive, except that she doesn't seem to "get" the importance of taking it properly and it's a battle to get her to take it. I mean she will not take it unless she is told and supervised every single day.

Last month she slipped up and ended up missing one pill, then we found out she is having sex with her boyfriend with no condom. So quick trip to doctor to get morning after pill to cover that.

We have spent hours and hours with her discussing the risks and consequences of sex with no condoms (std's) as well as the risk of pregnancy if she doens't take her pill properly. Basically she doesn't feel confident enough to say no. It breaks my heart and we have also discussed not having sex unless you feel ready.

We suggested that she got an implant, as a more reliable form of contraception but she says she doesn't like needles and injections. But she is desparate for a blackberry. Dp has suggested we get a blackberry for her birthday (july), but tell her she can have it now if she agrees to get the implant... No implant, no blackberry till July.

WWYD, is this a ridiculous idea? Is it wrong to bribe her like this? Obvioulsy she needs to realise that she is not respecting herself having sex if she feels pressurised and she runs the risk of catching a std, but at least it would cover the unwanted pregnancy side of things

TIA

OP posts:

butilikesalt · 05/03/2012 00:49

To answer the initial OP: I'd get her the implant. And not by bribing her with a Blackberry (which I wouldn't give to a vulnerable, sexually active child for a whole host of sex-tape reasons), but by taking her down the GP or the sexual health clinic and having them spell it all out for her. She needs to be protected from pregnancy and fast. If you need to bribe her, then bribe her with a something else she'd enjoy: clothes? a trip somewhere? etc. Or threaten: take away the existing phone and all internet access.

The boyfriend: yes, get rid of him. I know it's a short-term fix, but you've got a serious short-term problem here. Police, threats, Dad on porch with shotgun - whatever works.

Exactly where and when is she having sex? How can you limit her opportunities to hang out with those friends and see the boyfriend(s)?

Another school 10 miles away sounds preferable to a child with a STDs, sexually explicit photos online following her around for the rest of her life, and a fucked up attitude to sex and relationships.

I sympathise, and I know you can't control her every move, but she's so very young, and needs her Dad's protection and yours.

CarhullanArmy · 05/03/2012 00:51

Do they put implants in children as young as fourteen?

Tryharder · 05/03/2012 00:51

I was promiscuous in my teens albeit I was a bit older than this. My self esteem was rock bottom. Having sex with randoms was my way of making myself feel attractive and wanted. Classic scenario, really.

I don't know what to suggest but you have had some good advice on here and I hope your DSD finds her way sooner rather than later. I would crack down on her. She is attention seeking and so I would give her the attention she needs. Plus stress to her the value of sex as part of a loving relationship as opposed to an act which she neither wants nor enjoys. I think you need to build up her worth and self esteem - perhaps easier said than done.

Pickgo · 05/03/2012 00:53

And deffo NO blackberry

CarhullanArmy · 05/03/2012 00:59

If medics do put implants into young teenagers, do they tell them that it's essential to use a condom as well, to avoid HIV and other STDs?

butilikesalt · 05/03/2012 01:03

Medics carry out abortions on young teenagers, and supervise their pregnancies. Both carry health and psychological risks greater than the implant. Even if she knows all about the STDs, she'll think she's immune. Also, it's the boyfriend who would have to use the condom, and she doesn't seem to have much say about what he does.

CarhullanArmy · 05/03/2012 01:05

Immune to HIV?

CarhullanArmy · 05/03/2012 01:08

It's surely not impossible to explain to a teenager that she's not immune to HIV?

butilikesalt · 05/03/2012 01:17

This particular teenager seems to think she's immune to pregnancy. It's not a big leap. A lot of teenagers think they're immune to all manner of disease and consequence. Scary, but true.

purplecupcake · 05/03/2012 08:20

My DD was terrified of needles .. i knew she was sexually active at 14, we discussed all options, the pill was a no go, like your DSD she would have to be supervised to take it every day. We tried the injection for a month, that didn't go down well .. she wouldn't go back for the second injection.

So we went for the implant, DD was just turned 15 .. and despite the fear, she actually said it didn't hurt a bit, and its a novelty to her friends when she first had it fitted cos they can move it about a little under the skin.

As for bribing her, you do what you have to do no matter what it takes to stop her been pregnant.

Nyac · 05/03/2012 08:21

Have you talked to her mother directly about this OP?

Have your dh and you (although actually I think this is a decision for parents, not you) sat down and gone through what is going on with her mother?

I think you need to speak to the boys parents, the boy and explain to them that your stepdaughter is being raped by him and it needs to stop. Then the school, then the police.

Fitting her up to be for pregancy free rape seems a pretty poor response to this.

Nyac · 05/03/2012 08:24

Also the idea of bribing her with material goods so something can be done to her body in the context of sex might set up a connection in her mind that you won't want to exist.

swallowedAfly · 05/03/2012 11:30

ok question was wwyd so:

i'd go and see the parents of the boyfriend and make them aware of the situation - that he is having unprotected sex underage, that your dd feels pressured into and doesn't really want to be doing it and that they are both at risk of a pregnancy and disease.

i would make clear to her that it is illegal for her to being having sex and against my rules and that given she is breaking rules and the law there are consequences.

i wouldn't be buying her a new phone, i'd be removing her old phone or not putting any credit on it at least as well as banning the internet at home and grounding her and giving her times she must be home from school by. i would ban her from boyfriends (yes she could have one in secret at school but that doesn't mean you don't try). i would not give this a time limit but make clear this is what will happen until you can trust her and she earns back some freedom by showing that she can behave maturely and be worthy of trust.

i would take her to a sexual health clinic and make her go through the screening process, tell her sexual history to a doctor, have the swabs, have the lecture and have the wait for results etc so she can actually experience the consequences and what sexual health really entails. hopefully she's already had a smear test after being on the pill but if not i'd make her go for one - she could well already have been infected with hpv and have cell changes for all you know. i would make her read material on every disease out there with photos and explain links between chlamydia and infertility, genital warts and cervical cancer etc etc.

i'd educate her on consent and if she wasn't already seeing a child psychologist i'd get her in with one.

i'd possibly ask a community police officer to come round and explain the law and put a scare in her (CPOs can be very helpful).

i'd tackle it - not go defeatist and say well i probably couldn't stop her so i won't even try. imagine looking back on your childhood and being able to remember telling your family you were being forced to have sex you didn't want and their response being to get you an implant? fight for her, be the adult.

CarhullanArmy · 05/03/2012 11:53

I think the last six words of Swallowedafly's post are the most important ones.

MrsJoeDuffy · 05/03/2012 22:32

brilliant posts Nyac and swallowedafly

edam · 05/03/2012 22:49

I like swallowedafly's post.

Would it also be worth talking to school about how they handle PHSE given the pressure on girls (because I'm sure it won't just be your dd) to have sex against their will? They should get a police officer in to explain that forced sex is rape and that you can go to prison.

edam · 05/03/2012 22:52

Or maybe the NSPCC which is part of a new campaign against sexual violence.

KWL51 · 06/03/2012 13:18

swalloedafly- appears to be speaking a lot of sense. My first port of call would be to the boys parents, as the mother of an almost 15yr old boy, I would be hoorified if you turned up on my doorstep letting me know that my ds had been having sex let alone sex thats wasnt entirely consensual. (im assuming here that she doesnt say no, but isn't actually participating iyswim, surely no fun for either party).
I would then have the long sit down chat, perhaps around the table and talk about self esteem, saying no and meaning no, the maturity to use long term contraception responsibly as well as barrier methods to protect against sti's. Many sti's can be incredibly detremental to her sexual and reproductive health for the rest of her life, and might not be the case of going to the gp/gum for some antibiotics and cream!
I fully understand that you think that you have done everything and have no idea where to go next. The boys family is definatley the next port of call, they may have no idea and be horrified and endevour to keep the boy away from your dd or they may be lax and think its ok, at least then you will know and can act on that information.

Good luck!

LunarRose · 06/03/2012 13:30

Please don't put a child on a semi-permanent form of contraception. We understand so few of the side effects of contraception, particularly the more long term contraceptives. You child is still developing, let her body and mind develop before she can chose for herself whether the more serious forms of contraception are for her.

Come down hard on the boyfriend too.

swallowedAfly · 06/03/2012 13:52

i have a son and actually i'd be pretty fucked off at parents who were irresponsible enough to deprive me of the knowledge that my son was having unprotected, underage sex. i can't understand why you don't talk to his parents. if people have underage children who are having relationships don't they talk to the parents of the bf/gf and discuss things?

ragged · 06/03/2012 13:59

I wouldn't blame you for the bribery, OP.
Not to say that you shouldn't pursue the other options, too, but basically there are a lot of bases to cover, and I'd try to cover as many as possible. If not this boyfriend there will be another she'll latch onto.

My cousin made her DD stand & take a birth control pill daily at about that age.

I don't think you have any good choices. :(

thisisyesterday · 06/03/2012 14:02

i was forming a response as I read this... but swallowedafly has pretty much summed it up!

don't just sit back and let this happen because you "can't stop her having sex"

she is 14! she is a child.
she clearly is not ready for this kind of relationship but she can't say no... so you have to do it for her.

Mrsjay · 06/03/2012 14:05

sorry a Blackberry so she will use contraception no no no a stupid idea what will you do give her creidit or pay her bill if she goes back and gets it again , I know you do not want a teen pregnancy but this is playing into her hands , you dont bribe teenagers with mobiles or whatever so they dont get pregnant

You have to teach her that she doesnt need to be having sex at 14 its not ok for her to be doing this , Clear parental boundries are needed not a new phone ,

GinPalace · 06/03/2012 14:08

I haven't read the thread so not sure how constructive this is, but based on gut reaction to OP I would be visiting boyfriends home for a sit down chat where the phrase statutory rape would be used.

Poor girl, to be pressured into that. I'm sure it won't ruin her whole life but why can't a girl enjoy a sex life when she is well ready and what a horrid world where that doesn't happen. I would be defending her whether she liked it or not.

thisisyesterday · 06/03/2012 14:11

and yes, as a parent of 3 boys i would absolutely want to know if any of them were pressuring a 14 yr old into having sex with them

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