Considering bribing 14 year old dsd with a blackberry to get an implant - wwyd?

[humptydidit]

Dsd age 14 is sexually active. She currently on the pill which she got originally to help with terrible mood swings and general raging hormones.

Have found out she is now using it as a contraceptive, except that she doesn't seem to "get" the importance of taking it properly and it's a battle to get her to take it. I mean she will not take it unless she is told and supervised every single day.

Last month she slipped up and ended up missing one pill, then we found out she is having sex with her boyfriend with no condom. So quick trip to doctor to get morning after pill to cover that.

We have spent hours and hours with her discussing the risks and consequences of sex with no condoms (std's) as well as the risk of pregnancy if she doens't take her pill properly. Basically she doesn't feel confident enough to say no. It breaks my heart and we have also discussed not having sex unless you feel ready.

We suggested that she got an implant, as a more reliable form of contraception but she says she doesn't like needles and injections. But she is desparate for a blackberry. Dp has suggested we get a blackberry for her birthday (july), but tell her she can have it now if she agrees to get the implant... No implant, no blackberry till July.

WWYD, is this a ridiculous idea? Is it wrong to bribe her like this? Obvioulsy she needs to realise that she is not respecting herself having sex if she feels pressurised and she runs the risk of catching a std, but at least it would cover the unwanted pregnancy side of things

TIA

[uruculager]

Actually I have been ambiguous. Definitely get her the implant and if she doesn't like needles tell her to stfu. Then go to the police, then try to ground her.

14 or year 10 or whatever is not grown up at all.

[startail]

Contraception first. Mess second.

I know 3 young DCs being brought up by grandparents because their mothers were to young to cope.
This is a "nice "MC area, they will never quite fit in.

[tardisjumper]

honestly if i was me I would take her 'away' on aa weekend and have a very long chat with her/ Quite frrankly explaining the fact that her relationship is screwed and that you won't let her see her bf until you are satisfired it is a more equal relatioship.

The implant is a big decision and can cause awful side affects for people ( I speak as soemone with one who ahs got one wth it0.

Coud you book an appointment with relate? Tha way it is not her parents going on at her but an experienced professional?

[AnyFucker]

I have a 16yo dd

if I had known she was having coerced sex she didn't want 2 years ago I would have grounded her completely

Taken her to school, taken steps to keep her there, and then picked her up and taken her home and kept her there

OP's post makes no mention of this girl absconding from school and otherwise going AWOL, so I have to assume she is having this sex she "doesn't really want" in her free time

Op, I know you won't want to hear this, but you are not protecting this girl

she is 14

she doesn't get to call the shots

she isn't mature enough to do so...you must do it for her

I would also be speaking to the boys parents...and making sure they understand the situation

[BasilRathbone]

I don't think she needs to learn to say no.

I think she needs to learn that sex is something she should be doing because she actively wants to.

I have no idea how to control a 14 year old because I'm not there yet, but can you control her screentime, phone etc.? Can you not take these things away from her if she doesn't play ball?

Another thing - is she actually wanting you to set some firm boundaries for her? Will she feel that you are letting her down by efficiently contracepting her instead of protecting her from sexual relationships she doesn't want? This thing of not taking her pill and needing to get the MAP - is this a cry for help, a refusal to go along with what she should be doing in order to have responsible sex? (I remember a friend of mine was having sex when she was 14, she was obsessively careful about taking her pill, she was in love with her boyf and she was responsible and in charge. It's like this girl is sending out massive signals that she is not happy with what's happening - if I hadn't taken my pill when I was a teenager, no way would my parents have known about it, I'd have sorted it out myself.)

Sorry, not much practical help, but something to think about - I know the risk of pregnancy is horrible, but you need to think about how she will see any attempt to get her on a hormonal contraceptive in a few years time - will she see it as you bieng responsible and having a risk management strategy, or you throwing her to the wolves and not actually dealing with it? Am not being judgy of you, you sound really worried, just another thing to think about.

[differentnameforthis]

I don't have teens, yet! But I am very shocked at your op.

There is NO WAY I would be encouraging ANY teen girl to have ANY contraception if she isn't able to say NO to her boyfriend. She is having sex, practically under duress! That tells me that she doesn't want sex & to me, this is not to far from rape. If it were an adult woman on here saying she is pressured into sex with her b/f because she lacks confidence to say no, I expect the rape card would be called on some kind of technicality...and so it should!

She is crying out for your help. She has all but told you she needs your help to stop her having sex. And what do you want to do? Encourage it! Please!

Have a word with the boyfriend & his parents. Be proactive, sort this out.

If my dh heard my dd say that, he would be in the car, round the bf's house & asking if he knew that our dd didn't want sex, but felt obliged! There is NO way he would consent to her being bribed (not that I would even consider that!)

[swallowedAfly]

hi. i do think you need to talk to this boy and realistically if you believe she's having sex purely because she lacks the confidence to say no then i think you do have to put a stop to her seeing him.

i know you can't control her every move and she may find another boy but you will at least have tried to protect her and that in itself is important to her development. maybe she will carry on being messy and self destructive for a good few years yet but when she is older and looks back it will be better to remember guardians trying to help her and protect than guardians who didn't step in and try to protect iyswim.

have you talked to him and his parents? this isn't just hers and your problem, he has parents too and i think you should involved them and make sure they know what is going on.

[AnyFucker]

the GP that prescribed the Pill to a 14 yo with "raging hormones" and "mood swings" also needs striking off

[CarhullanArmy]

An implant is going to be much worse, hormonally.

[2blessed2bstressed]

Find myself in total agreement with Maryz (again!). Dp and I have a scarily similar situation with dsd1 at the moment, so I'm reading with great interest, and a heavy heart.

[Nagoo]

OP you are not doing a shit job at all, please don't think you are coming across badly here, you are not.

TBH I think I would try to get her to have the implant. I'd dress it up in terms of 'responsibility' because the thought of bribing a 14YO with a blackberry to get reliable contraception really is upsetting.

You are working on the sex thing from the other angle, by helping her to stop self-harming and raising her self esteem. But I agree that you need to do whatever you can to stop her getting pregnant.

good luck :)

[zipzap]

Would the school run any classes for her year group, giving them confidence to say no in these situations? Maybe run some role play scenarios where they practise saying no, or at least demanding a condom? And then follow up with effects of STDs on the body, pregnancy, the screaming baby dolls that they need to look after and that record how well they did.

But if it could be done by a teacher in a school setting would she listen more? And might her friends egg her on less (hopeful smiley)?

[swallowedAfly]

just a thought - have you asked her and explained this? as in saying you're really worried she's having sex for the wrong reasons and want to protect her but don't know how? what does she say?

[AnyFucker]

Zip, those classes are already run at school for pupils of this age group

nothing new to add there

[MrsJoeDuffy]

multiple boys - is she being groomed? (not to be alarmist or anything).

Agree with speaking to the parents of the boy involved.

[serin]

Stop her getting pregnant? What about preventing her from catching all manner of sexually transmitted diseases? HIV is still out there.

The child is clearly well and truely messed up and needs professional intervention. I would be hammering on the CAHMS doors again tomorrow and then the schools (do they not have support officers at school?).

I would also get DH to grow a pair and start to protect his child, he needs to visit the boyfriend immediately and tell him what will happen if he ever hurts his little girl again. Threaten to get the police involved.

Don't buy her a blackberry, she will be far too accessible to other abusers.

If all else fails I think I would do as other poster suggested and either move away or home ed.

[differentnameforthis]

We cannot stop her from having sex if she wants to do it

BUT SHE DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!

[differentnameforthis]

the GP that prescribed the Pill to a 14 yo with "raging hormones" and "mood swings" also needs striking off

Good point & agreed!

[differentnameforthis]

I would also be looking into taking her to school, bringing her home etc.

And I would explain to her that she is vulnerable & an easy target for boys (inc her boyfriend) who are happy to use her for sex. And until she has the confidence to say no & stand up for herself, she will escorted to & from school & will only be allowed to take part in activities that do not in any give her any opportunity to have sex with anyone. If that means that I had to stay at said activity, so be it.

I would carefully monitor her online access, if she were allowed any at all, to make sure she was safe too.

To me, she is crying out for help. She needs you to stop this happening, because she can't!

[joanofarchitrave]

How about the 'boyfriend' learning not to demand sex from other people and how to relate to other people in other ways?

[CarhullanArmy]

I also agree with Serin. I'm surprised an unplanned pregnancy seems more of a threat than HIV.

To me, contracting HIV would be worse than having an unplanned baby. And if she were to fall pregnant, she would at least get some medical attention from sensible, caring people.

[Pickgo]

I too think you need to ensure that there are no opportunities for her to get in a situation where she feels pressured into having sex. (If she were say 2 years younger we'd be talking about abuse and neglect in this scenario).

I'd talk to the boy's parents as I can't believe they'd condone this. If they do then talk to/threaten the boy himself. Personally I tell him to never come near her again. Perhaps you'll get the repuatation at her school as the parents not to fuck around with. Result.

But most importantly I think you need some really heart to heart chats with DSD - several and with just her. Along the lines of other people will not respect you if you do not have any bounderies, some boys will use you for sex even though they might say they love you, you will be grown-up for the rest of your life so make the most of this last bit of childhood (that one seemed to go in a bit with my DC), and get some treats lined up to look forward to as well as some shorter term activities/trips to get her involved with more wholseome stuff.

I have noticed with my teens that they often argue with you at the time and you feel you have wasted your breath, only to hear them spouting what you said as their own thoughts a few days/weeks later. You just have to keep doing what you think is right and have a blind faith that sooner or later it will pay off.

Good luck OP

[Pickgo]

Oh and if I were in this situation I think I might sadly find that the broadband mysteriously broke down and the internet company were very dilatory in coming to fix it!