Considering bribing 14 year old dsd with a blackberry to get an implant - wwyd?

[humptydidit]

Dsd age 14 is sexually active. She currently on the pill which she got originally to help with terrible mood swings and general raging hormones.

Have found out she is now using it as a contraceptive, except that she doesn't seem to "get" the importance of taking it properly and it's a battle to get her to take it. I mean she will not take it unless she is told and supervised every single day.

Last month she slipped up and ended up missing one pill, then we found out she is having sex with her boyfriend with no condom. So quick trip to doctor to get morning after pill to cover that.

We have spent hours and hours with her discussing the risks and consequences of sex with no condoms (std's) as well as the risk of pregnancy if she doens't take her pill properly. Basically she doesn't feel confident enough to say no. It breaks my heart and we have also discussed not having sex unless you feel ready.

We suggested that she got an implant, as a more reliable form of contraception but she says she doesn't like needles and injections. But she is desparate for a blackberry. Dp has suggested we get a blackberry for her birthday (july), but tell her she can have it now if she agrees to get the implant... No implant, no blackberry till July.

WWYD, is this a ridiculous idea? Is it wrong to bribe her like this? Obvioulsy she needs to realise that she is not respecting herself having sex if she feels pressurised and she runs the risk of catching a std, but at least it would cover the unwanted pregnancy side of things

TIA

[Nyac]

Not a great idea to make 14 year old girls fuckable for boys. Especially using a contraceptive that will remain in her body for three years injecting artificial hormones into her still growing body.

I think your approach is wrong.

What does her mother have to say about this?

[Nyac]

Why don't you get your husband to talk to the boyfriend and his parents and suggest he gets a vasectomy as you don't want a pregnant step daughter.

[uruculager]

"I know she doesn't actually enjoy it"

This is the most important sentence in the whole thread.

Your daughter isn't having sex, she is being used for it.

[Nyac]

It's illegal too. How about reporting the boyfriend to the police.

[humptydidit]

nyac she is already on the pill and has been for the last 9 months... not for contraceptive reasons, but I see your point. I personally hate the idea of filling my body with artificial hormonse never mind a growing girl.. but I don't know what else to do.

Her mother is basically non supportive. Dsd came back from visiting her mum full of ideas that she can become pregnant and basically quit school. Her mum is very inconsistent and moves the goal posts all the time. She will say one minute she should be grounded and then an hour later it's all forgotten. Also when staying with her mum, she often messes up taking her pills. So basically getting her mum on side is not going to be easy.

Please, any alternative suggestions are welcome...

[humptydidit]

We could report the boyfriend to the police or speak to his parents, but that doesn't solve the problem long term.
The long term problem is that she needs to learn to say no, and to see that there is more to a relationship than sex and that there is her whole life to spend having sex, but she should enjoy being a teenager, etc etc etc. We are working on this.
But in the mean time, if she choses to have sex, how can we make it safe for her?

[uruculager]

"If the boy was a lot older police involvement would be the way to go. But he isn't, and to be honest, it sounds like there may be more than one boy involved."

Her daughter says she doesn't enjoy the sex and only does it because she isn't confident enough to say no. Is there a word for that? Having sex with someone against their will?

[Nyac]

You need to protect her. If she's not old enough to say no, which she isn't, she's fourteen, then you have to say no for her.

What does her mother say about your plans for her?

[humptydidit]

maryz we have pcamhs involved already... and as I said, in general her behaviour and attitude has improved immensely.
I think encouraging her to take up other activities is a great idea. Something to take up her time more constructively and preferably something which would boost her self esteem and self worth would be perfect. Will look into it. Not meaning to sound pathetic but do you have any suggestions of what might work?

[Nyac]

What's a little rape or coerced sex between teenagers. Particularly towards a girl who already self harms which means that she's already got a disturbed background.

[CarhullanArmy]

I would say the possibility of getting pregnant is among the lesser of this child's problems. I agree with Nyac.

[humptydidit]

She talks about judo/karate type sports from time to time, maybe we should enrol her for this?
I think it needs to be something totally different to show her that there is more to life than her friends and chasing boys...
maryz you have really helped. thank you for listening.

[humptydidit]

ok nyac and those others who keep talking about rape... I get it, it is rape. I'm not happy about it, in fact me and dp are totally devastated about it... But I didnt come here to get flamed. I came here desparate for advice.

All you are doing is telling me that we are basically doing a shit job raising dsd. Trust me, we already feel like shitty parents, so you are not helping.

Dsd is 14. She is in year 10 at school. We cannot control her whole life and who she choses to be friends with. We cannot stop her from having sex if she wants to do it.

All we can do is try to keep her safe and help her work through her issues.

Do you actually have any advice on how we can do that?

[Nyac]

I asked specifically what her mother thinks of her daughter being given a three year implant to inject artificial hormones into her body at the age of fourteen. I don't think the OP has answered that except in the vaguest terms. I'm wondering if she and her husband have even told their daughter's mother their plans.

To me it sounds like they want to make this girl oven ready for all the boys who feel like having a go without having to deal with any of those pesky little side consequences of sex like pregnancy.

I think doing this to such a clearly unhappy 14 year old who is not even choosing the sex would be an assault on her.

[uruculager]

"What's a little rape or coerced sex between teenagers. Particularly towards a girl who already self harms which means that she's already got a disturbed background."

Exactly. If you stop her from having sex she doesn't want to have (and doesn't enjoy) with this boy who scares her so much she can't say no, she'll probably just find another one! She'll thank you later for taking such an enlightened approach. Maryz is absolutely right on this score. What's the point in trying?

[humptydidit]

Also, as we are all in agreement, she is being used for sex and technically raped, so how will an unwanted pregnancy help her to turn her life around?

Nobody would wish that on anybody, least of all a child

[Nyac]

Do you think being easily fuckable to all the boys in the neighbourhood is a solution?

They haven't even approached the boy or his parents. Have they talked to the school?

[Nyac]

It's not her they need to stop.

They need to stop her being raped. So we're back to the police.

[uruculager]

"Also, as we are all in agreement, she is being used for sex and technically raped, so how will an unwanted pregnancy help her to turn her life around?"

I'm not saying don't give her the implant, that is Nyac. All I'm saying is that you should go to the police and try your hardest to ground her indefinitely.