Considering bribing 14 year old dsd with a blackberry to get an implant - wwyd?

[humptydidit]

Dsd age 14 is sexually active. She currently on the pill which she got originally to help with terrible mood swings and general raging hormones.

Have found out she is now using it as a contraceptive, except that she doesn't seem to "get" the importance of taking it properly and it's a battle to get her to take it. I mean she will not take it unless she is told and supervised every single day.

Last month she slipped up and ended up missing one pill, then we found out she is having sex with her boyfriend with no condom. So quick trip to doctor to get morning after pill to cover that.

We have spent hours and hours with her discussing the risks and consequences of sex with no condoms (std's) as well as the risk of pregnancy if she doens't take her pill properly. Basically she doesn't feel confident enough to say no. It breaks my heart and we have also discussed not having sex unless you feel ready.

We suggested that she got an implant, as a more reliable form of contraception but she says she doesn't like needles and injections. But she is desparate for a blackberry. Dp has suggested we get a blackberry for her birthday (july), but tell her she can have it now if she agrees to get the implant... No implant, no blackberry till July.

WWYD, is this a ridiculous idea? Is it wrong to bribe her like this? Obvioulsy she needs to realise that she is not respecting herself having sex if she feels pressurised and she runs the risk of catching a std, but at least it would cover the unwanted pregnancy side of things

TIA

[wifeofdoom]

hugs to the OP - can't believe what a pasting you are getting on here whilst you are trying to help your dsd. I think people forget what it is like to be 14, and are being really harsh on you. Hope you find a good solution.

[GinPalace]

As an additional afterthought - if dd doesn't feel strong enough to say no - maybe she might get the message it actually does matter and is very important if her parents took major action. It does sound like you have done many reasonable things and not taken it lying down (so to speak!) but serious matters require serious action - maybe then she would feel her virtue was worth defending even if she is not strong enough to do it herself.

Get yourself to the boyfriends house - he might have parents like Thisisyesterday

[GinPalace]

Hope I haven't given a pasting (not that that comment is directed at me) - but OP did ask for suggestions for what she might do, hope I have been constructive - that was my aim. :)

[swallowedAfly]

i don't think i've given a pasting either. i've answered the wwyd and given my opinons. haven't said anything nasty to the OP. did say i would feel a parent who knew my son was having underage sex with their dd even without the questionable consent was irresponsible but that was to encourage the op to feel confident in approaching them.

i do remember what it was like to be 14 and what it was like to have parents abdicate responsibility in faux 'there's nothing we can do' style (and in denial that any of my troubles were a result of their problems an (parenting) and know what i wanted and needed and was crying out for but did not get.

[thisisyesterday]

agree with ginpalace too

if you do the whole "well it's fine but just use contraception" your kind of validating what's happening and saying it's ok. it isn't ok
i realise you have spoken to her and told her that it's not good to have sex when you aren't ready etc etc, but sometimes actions speak louder than words

maybe this is one of those times when she needs you to take action because she just isn't capable of it?

as a teen I was very much a "stick my head in the sand" kind of a person if things were happening that I couldn't handle. even down to starting my periods, I didn't want to have a period so I used to ignore it (with dire consequences many times ) but I just wasn't ready, emotionally, to handle it so i just ignored it and dealt with things as they happened.

I just wonder whether your DSD is very open with you and telling you what is going on because she wants you to sort it out?
it's much easier to say "my mum won't let me come round" than it is to say "sorry, i am not ready for this kind of relationship"

[BasilRathbone]

Yes you know waht, sometimes teenagers want the excuse of "my boring old mum won't let me"

It gives them a get out that they actually want

[Nyac]

Yup, there's a reason why she's telling adults about this. She's not asking for their approval or help to get fitted up so her boyfriend can rape her, she's clearly asking for help so she can be protected. Children don't always say things directly.

Amazing it's being treated as a "you can't stop teenage girls having sex", when what it actually seems to be is that "you can't stop some teenage boys raping girls".

[CarhullanArmy]

The line "you can't stop teenage girls having sex" is often parrotted on the Teenagers threads.

As is "you can't stop them doing what they want" and "don't blame yourself as a parent".

Madness.

And very harmful to teenage children.

[Mrsjay]

I agree with basil sometimes teenagers want us to say no without even knowing it themselves m for example dd1 told me at 15 she was invited to a party nd there was going to be gatecrashers with booze , and 1 boy a well known dope dealer had organised the gate crash SOO what was i to do say oh ok dear enjoy yourself ,or say NO not a chance , I took the latter and she said she wasnt allowed to go and i was bad mum ,

and i dont think i gave the op a pasting either the girl is 14 she doesnt need mums approval to have sex she needs her disaproval and told no this isnt ok , too many people say its ok well it bloody well isnt ok ,