17yo son is smoking dope. How do I handle this?

[BIWI]

I have had suspicions for a while that his peer group have been dabbling with dope, and a bit of undercover sleuthing by me this morning has confirmed it.

It seems to have progressed from smoking dope supplied by others to buying it him/themselves.

I am alarmed by this generally, but also very specifically because we are having the first inkling of problems at college as well. We had a letter from college just before half term to say that he has missed 21% of classes since January.

When I asked him about this, he told me it was just one subject and that he had been missing classes because he hadn't done his homework - but that he had realised how stupid he was being and had stopped doing it. He swears that he is now up to date with all his coursework/homework. (I haven't yet checked this; today was the first day back and I simply haven't had the opportunity to call the college).

How do I handle this? My natural instinct is simply to go ballistic which probably won't help matters.

Because of the issue with his work, he is already having his X-Box 'rationed' - he isn't allowed to use it until after 9.00 pm, and after he has done some work. This was put in place before the issue of drugs reared its ugly head.

He goes to a lot of sleepovers at the weekend, but only occasionally has friends staying with us. The last time was Saturday night, after a (very) late return from a gig, and I know now that they were smoking a joint here at 4am in our garden .

I have a lot of questions:

• how do I deal with this?
• how do I discipline in regard to this?
• would grounding help? (Personally I'm doubtful)
• should I stop giving him pocket money? He doesn't yet have a job to fund himself, so I could stop him buying it (although nothing to stop him smoking stuff others have bought)
• I know the boy (who was here on Saturday night) reasonably well, and also his parents. Should I call them and talk to them about it too? (I have no idea what their reaction might be/whether they know/suspect)

He is, in the main, a 'good' boy, and should do well in his AS/A-levels, although he is not really applying himself generally. I really need to find some way to sort this out so that he can do his best in the next few months, so that he can get decent AS levels.

If anyone has any experience of this and can help me with some/any/all of these questions, I would be very, very grateful.

There's a fine line between treating him like an adult and being 'relaxed' about it and letting him mess up his A-levels.

He needs to know that you are aware of what's going on (at this point being reasonable is probably better than going ballistic, you still want him on-side), you disapprove, you realise you can't control his every move but you expect him to act like the adult he is (or he feels like, but we know he is not yet) and be responsible for the consequences of his actions on his future.

Spoken not as the mother of a teenager, but someone who should have done better in her A -levels and messed around far too much.

MaryZ As a teenager I was with the 'stoners' rather than the get drunk and go out pulling boys/girls crowd.
There is a wide variety within that group in my experience - the ones who were quite heavy users (as you describe), the weekend and occasional school-time user (just for the fun of it), the one who would just join in and experiment every now and then.

Of all my friends, the ones in the first bracket had the most trouble adjusting to adult life, and took longer to 'grow up', iyswim. But many of them did, funnily enough often taking up a sport obsessively (cycling and training for a marathon!), feeling healthy and a sense of achievement and finally getting noticed by the opposite sex.
Only one took it too extremes, and I'd say now is a healthy adult but didn't exactly make the most of his potential.

I'm all for the 'Ah, let them enjoy themselves and experiment', but I must say I was always quite mature for my age and kind of knew that as I grew up other things would take precedence.

Others in my peer group were more emotionally immature and probably had quite low self esteem, which I'd say would account for the majority of the heavy users. I also find often the 'deeper' and brighter (intellectually) teenagers suffer the most, and boredom and lack of stimulation is a great factor.

(you often would hear 'but he/she got all the A*s at gcse, what happened to them?')

I'm sorry that I haven't read the thread in detail, but maybe speaking to some of your DC's friends may help to give you a view of how bad they think it is for your dc may help?

Erm, just flipped back through thread and see that you are way ahead of anyone in wisdom re this topic, MaryZ, so please feel free to ignore my feeble post!

Please don't apologise for it, justonemore! Everyone's posts are helping, honest!

Aspergers on top must make it even tougher, Mary.

Well Maryz and Biwi I really hope you manage to come through this tough time succesfully, I know my mum made herself ill with worry over my brother (though oddly not with me, even though my dad suspected the dope).

You're there for them and listening without antagonising them and also still telling them what you think. I don't think there's much more to it than that, eventually it will sink in, I'm sure.

DS4 took lots of bad stuff for a long time and left home and school at 17 after months of violence, agression and nightmarish times.

The things that seemed to get through to him - now 2 years down the line he seems clean and is working in a bank and studying for A levels too - were:

keeping the doors open so he knew he could ask for help
giving help without being judgemental (drove him to A&E X times without mentioning it was obvious his stomach pain was K-cramps)
taking him food often but not so often he didn't have to earn some money
talking about what he wanted for his future
keeping his GF (hmmmm) on side by involving her
the dog (she was good at unconditional licking)
random affectionate texts
random wind-up texts that echoed his crappy teenage complaints (favourite one was 'this is a joke, you didn't even put any onion in')
hanging in there and talking, talking, talking

noteven

fabbest post EVER. Probably

I am going to tattoo it on something for future reference (ds is 13, but I am already a little bit worried)

I feel for you. I recently discovered my son had been using cannabis regularly for three years. Hes now 16. I had been concerned because his personality had changed. Quiet, withdrawn, angry interspersed with creepy and cajoling when he wanted something - and the lies! It has definitely had a bad impact on him. I'm worried sick. Had loads of conversations but he knows better. He's not allowed out with his "Weed" friends and we carefully monitor other outings but we can't keep doing this because it's not practical. He wont study for GCSE's and has given up on everything. Very difficult.

I'm sorry to hear that, urban

Mine is 27 and still lies to my face and anyone elses. He becomes very defensive if you confont him.He is currently not talking to me because i challenged him on one of his ridiculous stories.

I agree with all the good advice from drummer,I did all of that which probably kept him from getting into harder stuff.We had him home loads of times to sort himself out which he does for ages then messes up again and the whole cycle begins. He cleaned up long enough to join the army which required loads of input from the whole family but he only lasted a few months said he had an injury which he did but i cant help wondering if it was the weed,he certainly went back on it when he came out.

I have had to back off for my own sanity as the other dc also need input.If im honest i think its too late for him to change now but i live in hope.

My DDs are still little but reading this thread with interest. MaryZ you always have such good advice and interesting outlooks.

When I was in my "dabbling days" as a teenager, my mum took All The Coolness Away by knowing what a roach clip was. Must say that honestly made a difference. Has that been anyone else's experience - being calm, honest and open maybe takes away some of the mystique (not sure if that is the right word) for them?

Didn't stop me binge drinking though and I do still wonder which is worse. For me I think the idea that cannabis use can lead to stronger drugs is the main scary point.

Good luck OP I hope it all turns out ok.

Big test this weekend. DH and I are going away from Friday to Sunday - has been arranged for a long time - leaving DS2 home alone.

I asked him to arrange to have a friend come to stay, which he has done for Friday - but it's one of the friends I know he's been taking drugs with, so I'm a bit . I have already told him that drugs will not be allowed - of any kind - and he has agreed. Supposedly.

Erm...this does not sound sensible! You know you can't believe him don't you? Can he go and stay with a relative?

I have no other option. No family nearby, although I do have a very good friend who lives down the road who will keep an eye out/on him.

It will give me a good idea how bad things are - and I'm under no illusions that just because he's promised me, that things won't happen

Our DS started out as a nice, well-educated and polite young man who began dabbling in headshop drugs and weed at 16. At 19 he scraped through his A levels, dropped out of uni (went for 2 weeks), has spent the past 3 years smoking weed and now has no interests or energy. I comfort myself that he is still alive, relatively healthy and speaks to us. He is either zonked or grumpy or being over the top nice so he can wheedle money from us. I'm sick of it but don't know what to do - catch 22 and frankly, we're exhausted. We went away without him one weekend, he stayed with my sister but sneaked home and had lots of stoner friends round who wrecked the place. My sister knew nothing about it til we returned home. He lies all the time and is completely unreliable.

Thankyou BIWI
I googled randomly seeking (as i do every weekend) views/support/anything that will help me get through another week of motherhood. I found you guys and haven't stopped crying for the past hour while i read through the free flow of views/support/ideas on thisfrom your community.
I am a mum of 4 and my youngest two are 16 girl and 18 boy. I have been struggling for 4 years now with my daughters drug use and self harm etc and my son's alcohol abuse and self harm.
BIWI My questions are
How do you mums keep them at home?

In the past 4 years our teens have not spent more than 2 consequetive weeks at home(usually just one or two nights before she goes back to her stoner friends and he goes back to his "couch surfing". They both say it is because "they can't live up to our expectations/house rules"

• No drugs at home and no coming home stoned
• No drinking except at parties etc on weekends
• Work/job search or school 5 days a week

Wow, delicateflower, I struggle to cope with one... It must be more than twice as hard with TWO, where they can kind of back up and encourage and reinforce each other! I often think the teenage ego is so huge it pretty much equals two adult egos, and this Ego Effect (I tell myself) is why A Teen talks so much shit Is Always Right...
Two parents acting together can sometimes just about 'balance out' a teen, but single parents like me have little hope!

You've got two, and they will be telling each other they are right and you are wrong about everything... Maybe it will help to think of them as, effectively, a 'gang of four'... No wonder you are finding it hard!

I don't have an answer for 'how do you keep them at home'... My son keeps coming back - so tho he hasn't been home the last 3 nights, I have seen glimpses of him as he passes through the kitchen for food, and yesterday afternoon he spent 6 hours sleeping/unconscious on the sofa. I guess I'm beginning to ask myself the opposite question, and I wonder whether you ask it too? - ie, How do I get him to leave?

Maryz, DS doesnt have a job. He helps round the house to get money for whatever he needs - small amounts as he is expected to do basic stuff for his bed & board. When he is not doped up I get glimpses of my lovely boy but it doesn't last! Heartbreaking really, it's amazing how our standards have been worn down over the past few years