17yo son is smoking dope. How do I handle this?

[BIWI]

I have had suspicions for a while that his peer group have been dabbling with dope, and a bit of undercover sleuthing by me this morning has confirmed it.

It seems to have progressed from smoking dope supplied by others to buying it him/themselves.

I am alarmed by this generally, but also very specifically because we are having the first inkling of problems at college as well. We had a letter from college just before half term to say that he has missed 21% of classes since January.

When I asked him about this, he told me it was just one subject and that he had been missing classes because he hadn't done his homework - but that he had realised how stupid he was being and had stopped doing it. He swears that he is now up to date with all his coursework/homework. (I haven't yet checked this; today was the first day back and I simply haven't had the opportunity to call the college).

How do I handle this? My natural instinct is simply to go ballistic which probably won't help matters.

Because of the issue with his work, he is already having his X-Box 'rationed' - he isn't allowed to use it until after 9.00 pm, and after he has done some work. This was put in place before the issue of drugs reared its ugly head.

He goes to a lot of sleepovers at the weekend, but only occasionally has friends staying with us. The last time was Saturday night, after a (very) late return from a gig, and I know now that they were smoking a joint here at 4am in our garden .

I have a lot of questions:

• how do I deal with this?
• how do I discipline in regard to this?
• would grounding help? (Personally I'm doubtful)
• should I stop giving him pocket money? He doesn't yet have a job to fund himself, so I could stop him buying it (although nothing to stop him smoking stuff others have bought)
• I know the boy (who was here on Saturday night) reasonably well, and also his parents. Should I call them and talk to them about it too? (I have no idea what their reaction might be/whether they know/suspect)

He is, in the main, a 'good' boy, and should do well in his AS/A-levels, although he is not really applying himself generally. I really need to find some way to sort this out so that he can do his best in the next few months, so that he can get decent AS levels.

If anyone has any experience of this and can help me with some/any/all of these questions, I would be very, very grateful.

Remove all pocket money. That's what my Mum did...it worked. I had a buss pass...lunch...no money.

maryz how old is ds1? I blame myself still,i was young when i had him,the bond wasnt great but i did do my best and was devoted to my children. Ds1 is still not great and is nearing 30 so i tend to think he will never change.I dread the next crisis as i cant help but get involved and try to help.
The alcohol comparrison isnt a great one imo. Not many young drinkers drink all day like the young people do today and dont end up owing money to dodgy dealers who will be violent if necessary. White lightening is a pound a bottle wheras weed is a tenner for a bag to last a day.
My ds ended up involved with a couple who were exploiting him and taking all his money,the guy threatened him with a machete and they also injected him with speed whilst he slept.I ended up going to the house to get him when i was 5 months pg with dd1. It was only my pure audacity that didnt get me killed i think.

Get him to watch the film Midnight Express
Let him know that choosing to smoke illegal drugs is a political decision and the drugs trade directly results in misery for many

tried watching midnight express maryz? It's v powerful

You only have to read some of the posts here - absolute denial about the impact/effects/consequences - to see that people just close their minds to anything potentially negative.

It is helping, actually. Knowing others have gone through this/are going through it makes me feel much better. And knowingvthat there are people that I can talk to about it who will understand and and not judge is amazingly reassuring.

the second comming Can i ask why you quit? I also have friends of my age who are regular users of solids not skunk btw one gave up quite recently and says she feels great for it,i dont know anyone on skunk tho who isnt a bit affected by it.

Yep - a perfectly valid POV. And I do appreciate that I am a bit hysterical over all this. Partly because it was a bit of a shock. Partly because of the evidence that things are escalating.

We have had a nice weekend so far, though. The odd reference to it but mainly avoided, in an attempt at normality and so I don't start labouring it.

Yesterday we had a cuddle, and talked about it - I said to him that I was very worried about the choices he had to make, and that he would/may make the wrong ones. He assured me he wouldn't - but I had to point out that he had already made some wrong ones.

DS1 is home for the weekend, so I've talked to him about it, which was interesting and helpful.

I've 'lost' two people in my life due to their addictions to smoking strong dope. My DB has serious unresolved mental health issues (paranoia, delusions and extreme rage) and is no longer in touch with our family. My best mate from school, who was an absolute genius and fucked up his life big time. Too sad. Too, too sad.

I personally had some bad experiences with the stuff in my teens. Once I smoked a joint passed to me, hallucinated and when I was dumped at my front door by scared mates it freaked my parents out. My mum kept a vigil by my bed all night and we simply referred to it as a 'drunken breakdown'. Apparently I was crying hysterically about how my mum was going to die and I was going to be left all alone (she was in remission from BC). For weeks afterwards, I was terribly depressed. Another time I smoked a joint with 'super skunk' in at a party and was found passed out in the bathroom. I was found vomitting but I wasn't conscious for 10 hours afterwards. I could've choked on my own vomit and died. My friend panicked about getting in trouble and just put me in bed. I was ill for days afterwards and missed so much important A-Level prep. My other experiences weren't 'bad' but they probably killed a lot of brain cells when I thought I was being all cool and intellectual. I messed up my A-levels and only got into uni by the skin of my teeth. Thankfully life has turned out well for me and I stayed away from it since I was 18.

Stupid cow. I don't know why I smoked it. To fit in with peers? Rebellion? I don't know. If I could go back and speak to my teenage self, I would strongly warn myself off.

Drug-driving is a real problem OP. Do any of your DS's friends drive? If so, urge him not to get in the car with them. They might think that they are ok, but reaction times are seriously reduced. I had a teenage friend crash under the influence of dope but the police couldn't prove anything, so he got a caution for reckless driving. You know what? He did it again and wrote another car off. I never got in the car with him.

at tsc yearning for her previous hedonsitic lifestyle.
I wonder if a lot of the problems is that they are addicted to the nicotine but dont disinguish,It. So just have a joint?

ds3 recently stopped for ages and joined the gym etc.He was a different boy,became very family orientated again and was funny and chatty.He spoke about how much better he felt and was scornfull of others still using it.
He continued to see his stoner mates and after afew months was predictable using again.
He says he will of course give up one day and one day after a few beers (doesnt drink normally) he cried at the hopelessness of it all and admited he felt dependent and that it was robbing him of his life
I can do no more but wait untill he decided to stop and pray he doesnt end up with a worse criminal record (has 2 cautions already)

I have 2 more to get through teen yrs i just pray they can resist.

I tried it a few times in my youth,i cant say i liked it,it made me sick and tired.

I admit to loving a line or two of coke during my party stage but never became addicted as i have never done with fags. I can still take or leave them too.
Id not do coke again though purely cos of the shit they put in it nowadays.

I know what you mean about the functioning users tsc I trained as a nurse in the 90's and we all mostly parties like mad and it wasnt uncommon to be mainlining fluids at 8am on a Sunday morning

It must depend very much on your tolerance and reaction to it all.
Ive never been able to drink a lot without a big puking day the next day.I have no conception of some of my friends who knock back wine,vodka and shots all night when we go out and then get up in the morning with a slight hangover whilst i am in bed with a bucket after sticking to vodaka an coke all night.
Even after surgery i cant handle the morphine so im pre dispositioned not to be a hard or heavy drug user.
Ds1 is most definately not a functioning user,he has no job,motivation or life really. He has his stoner friends and a rented room,at 27 very sad.

Argh! Drug-driving - something new/else to worry about!!!

At this moment in time, I don't think any of them drive/have cars, so hopefully that's not an issue quite yet.

Sorry OP but it is better that you're aware of all of the risks.

Yes, I know - absolutely!