17yo son is smoking dope. How do I handle this?

[BIWI]

I have had suspicions for a while that his peer group have been dabbling with dope, and a bit of undercover sleuthing by me this morning has confirmed it.

It seems to have progressed from smoking dope supplied by others to buying it him/themselves.

I am alarmed by this generally, but also very specifically because we are having the first inkling of problems at college as well. We had a letter from college just before half term to say that he has missed 21% of classes since January.

When I asked him about this, he told me it was just one subject and that he had been missing classes because he hadn't done his homework - but that he had realised how stupid he was being and had stopped doing it. He swears that he is now up to date with all his coursework/homework. (I haven't yet checked this; today was the first day back and I simply haven't had the opportunity to call the college).

How do I handle this? My natural instinct is simply to go ballistic which probably won't help matters.

Because of the issue with his work, he is already having his X-Box 'rationed' - he isn't allowed to use it until after 9.00 pm, and after he has done some work. This was put in place before the issue of drugs reared its ugly head.

He goes to a lot of sleepovers at the weekend, but only occasionally has friends staying with us. The last time was Saturday night, after a (very) late return from a gig, and I know now that they were smoking a joint here at 4am in our garden .

I have a lot of questions:

• how do I deal with this?
• how do I discipline in regard to this?
• would grounding help? (Personally I'm doubtful)
• should I stop giving him pocket money? He doesn't yet have a job to fund himself, so I could stop him buying it (although nothing to stop him smoking stuff others have bought)
• I know the boy (who was here on Saturday night) reasonably well, and also his parents. Should I call them and talk to them about it too? (I have no idea what their reaction might be/whether they know/suspect)

He is, in the main, a 'good' boy, and should do well in his AS/A-levels, although he is not really applying himself generally. I really need to find some way to sort this out so that he can do his best in the next few months, so that he can get decent AS levels.

If anyone has any experience of this and can help me with some/any/all of these questions, I would be very, very grateful.

No need to be rude, BagO... All anyone here is doing is offering their opinions - including you.

Are you living with a teen who's using skunk? Cos if not, your opinion here is of limited interest to me... The many parents I know who do, including some who are smokers themselves, all agree it has weird, nasty effects on some kids. At the very least, it is a 'disinhibitor', so kids who are already behaving badly are less likely to be able to stop themselves.

I'll post a New Scientist article later (if I can find it, and when I'm on a pc not my phone) that discusses research showing that skunk contains a chemical that interferes with the take up of THC. TBut there's a lot of conflicting science out there, and when it comes to understanding its effects on teens, frankly I think it's less useful than the experience of level-headed people.

BagO, whether cannabis caused a mental health problem or triggered a previously unsuspected mental health problem is surely immaterial, seeing that we can none of us be sure that our ds do not have a lurking mental health problem that has not yet broken out and that might never break out unless there is a trigger.

Why take the risk since many people manage to grow up and have a perfectly happy life without ever trying dope? It's hardly an essential part of growing up.

My friend didn't know he had an underlying tendency to schizophrenia. By the time he did know it was too late to go back and not have the trigger.

Ok but you sound very angry? Is that DNA or chemically induced? We spent years with these doctors and still see them and tbh I have seen it on a few occasions first hand.

My brother was definitely affected by skunk and not regular cannabis. Hides thread now as I have no time for people like bagO who don't know teh difference between debate and anger and who use abusive tones to justify their own lifestyle choices. You are so obvious its laughable. Ciao!

Hmmm....

Tricky.

I grew up in Holland, where it is not illegal, and therefore, oddly, not cool.

It is a bit of a thing for losers, dope heads, saddo's

I don't know how I will cope with my sons growing up in a country where drugs are perceived as "cool".

Better start thinking.

help....

TSC - I haven't automatically assumed that. I'm not totally stupid! There are other problems going on there, which have been dealt with in a different way.

Nevertheless, as a parent, looking at two, recent and new behaviours, it's easy to be concerned that one could be related to the other. I'm keeping an open mind at the moment as to whether or not that is the case.

BagO Whilst it is your prerogative to post anywhere on MN that you see fit, your posts are not exactly supportive of my problem or questions.

It's something I am very, very worried about. I am not looking for someone to come along with blanket assertions about something that they do. I'm looking for someone who can help me with my problems about how to talk to my son about indulging in a behaviour/activity that I do not like, condone and which concerns me very much in regard to my son's physical and mental welfare, and which brings with it the risk of a criminal record.

If you can't understand that this is why I'm posting, or don't wish to actually help me, please would you refrain from posting the pro-drugs views that you hold?

The problem as i see it is that its no longer the solid canabis that many of us dabbled with.Skunk is far stronger and can cause more problems. I worked in mental health and saw a few young lad who had psychosis from too much of the stuff (drugs screen showed no other drug) It can also cause paranoia and exasperate mental health problems. People get defensive about this but its true.
2 Of my 3 ds use the crap and i can honestly say they would be far better without it.They even admit this but it is such a large part of their lives that they cant or wont stop it.One is too stoned to keep a job for any length of time and the other works hard but spends his free time smoking it and never has any money for anything else. I tried it all when i first knew they were using it but if they want to do it they will.
They have boh left home now but i always made it a rule i didnt want to smell it on them and if i found it in my house id get rid of it. I was also carefull about money and even now get them presents and vouchers for xmas rather than cash. Its ridiculous. They have both stopped for long periods but then go back to it.I am gutted,both nice lads but wasted really.
They are even too unfit to give their brother a kidney he needs deperately.

chandon My brother quit smoking when he lived in Amsterdam

ledkr - that is sad about your brother

I have now discovered that the dope smoking is much more of a regular occurrence than I had hoped, and it seems to be a 'cultural' thing with his peer group, which makes it seem much more 'normal' to him, no doubt.

However, I have also discovered references to taking ecstasy, which I am even more concerned about.

MaryZ - i'm not around much today, but if you don't object, I'd like to PM you with some questions?

Sorry, TSC - I do realise it. Just a bit sensitive to it all and feeling very fragile about the whole thing.

I didn't think yo were pro-drugs, btw.

And I'm posting here to stop me going in all guns blazing because I think you're right - it won't help matters.

Trouble is, I don't know what will help

The academic thing we have treated separately. He is, however, his own worst enemy here. He has admitted that he has been cutting classes because he wasn't doing the work, and he hates the subject and he wishes he'd never chosen it. This despite us talking to him about it at the time, asking if he was sure he wanted to do it, wouldn't he have preferred something else, yadda yadda - he insisted this was what he wanted to do. Ever since he started his AS levels, any conversation has always about how things are fine, he's enjoying it, etc.

So to suddenly say he is unhappy with it was a bolt from the blue. He has now caught up with his work (he says). Re the specific subject, I have hired him a tutor so that he has a lesson once a week to make sure

a) he has a chance to catch up on anything he hasn't understood
b) has a chance to catch up on anything he missed
c) to give him a structure for learning and keep him focussed on getting a good result.

I'm waiting for his college form tutor to call me back to fix a time for us to go in and talk generally about his performance and what else/more can be done.

This has all been done without any reference to drugs - mainly because this occurred because the whole drugs things reared its ugly head!

And I totally agree with you about being mum rather than friend.

We had all of this last year. Eventually ds was so behind and hated the course so much he left in April. It was a huge relief and since he re started there has been a huge change in attitude.

Aso agree with tsc it dies pass but when you are in it it is awful

It is awful. It feels as if we're poised on the edge of a cliff - there's a perfectly good path going along the cliff and away from the edge. The other one goes straight over the edge.

Apologies if it sounds over-dramatic, but that's exactly how I feel. I have a horrible, sick feeling in my stomach about the whole thing.

Oh for the days when you could distract your DC by putting a different video on, reading a new book, pointing to one of their Thomas the Tank engine toys ...

I know BIWI but you can take comfort knowing that most teens even those whose parents think they aren't are dabbling with this stuff. Those with issues in general generally abuse it more and if you ds is anything like mine and is deep down a good kid he probably will not over do it. FWIW the one mum I know who said her son was the exception was rather deluded as her perfect boy is actually the dealer! My son is still a PITA at times but we just kept up the same rules even when he flouted them and he has definitely come round. maybe he could switch courses it made a world of difference here My ds has gone from his tutors just despairing on his 1st college to getting distinctions and being told he is producing work at a professional level at the new one.We sat ds down said we love you but don't like you and are disappointed and left it at that xx

The thing is probably for a few more years this will be part of their socialising and as long as it doesn't impact on studies etc you may just have to keep up the disapproval but stop torturing yourself.My ds was really surprised when he realised that my brothers rather oddball(his words) existence and personality was not just the way he was born and was the result of drugs. I think this really has made him more cautious as he sees someone who had so much living the life of an old man at 42