17yo son is smoking dope. How do I handle this?

[BIWI]

I have had suspicions for a while that his peer group have been dabbling with dope, and a bit of undercover sleuthing by me this morning has confirmed it.

It seems to have progressed from smoking dope supplied by others to buying it him/themselves.

I am alarmed by this generally, but also very specifically because we are having the first inkling of problems at college as well. We had a letter from college just before half term to say that he has missed 21% of classes since January.

When I asked him about this, he told me it was just one subject and that he had been missing classes because he hadn't done his homework - but that he had realised how stupid he was being and had stopped doing it. He swears that he is now up to date with all his coursework/homework. (I haven't yet checked this; today was the first day back and I simply haven't had the opportunity to call the college).

How do I handle this? My natural instinct is simply to go ballistic which probably won't help matters.

Because of the issue with his work, he is already having his X-Box 'rationed' - he isn't allowed to use it until after 9.00 pm, and after he has done some work. This was put in place before the issue of drugs reared its ugly head.

He goes to a lot of sleepovers at the weekend, but only occasionally has friends staying with us. The last time was Saturday night, after a (very) late return from a gig, and I know now that they were smoking a joint here at 4am in our garden .

I have a lot of questions:

• how do I deal with this?
• how do I discipline in regard to this?
• would grounding help? (Personally I'm doubtful)
• should I stop giving him pocket money? He doesn't yet have a job to fund himself, so I could stop him buying it (although nothing to stop him smoking stuff others have bought)
• I know the boy (who was here on Saturday night) reasonably well, and also his parents. Should I call them and talk to them about it too? (I have no idea what their reaction might be/whether they know/suspect)

He is, in the main, a 'good' boy, and should do well in his AS/A-levels, although he is not really applying himself generally. I really need to find some way to sort this out so that he can do his best in the next few months, so that he can get decent AS levels.

If anyone has any experience of this and can help me with some/any/all of these questions, I would be very, very grateful.

We have told ds that while he is at home and at college he cannot go out on the nights he has college the next day. It is v frustrating that ds wants a part time job and can't find one though as I think that would be the final link in the chain. Does your ds work? Does he go out in teh week?

my son is 17 in July and has been "dabbling" with cannabis for the last 3 years. My lowest point was when he was excluded for smoking it in school at the age of 14. He was hanging around with a very bad crowd and was rebellious in the extreme until last summer.

Things improved enormously with his behaviour when he started sixth form college last September. Most of his new friends are decent lads but they all smoke cannabis too.

We have always been careful with how much money my son has as I have no doubt he would be a cannabis addict if he had plenty of money and freedom to do it. He gets £5 on a Friday night, £5 on a Saturday and £3.50 per day for lunch at college. I have no doubt he spends this on alcohol and cannabis but I have never had the proof recently about the cannabis.

Over the last month he has come in from college smelling of it - he never looks "stoned" so presumably it is not skunk and most of the time I couldn't tell whether it was alcohol or cannabis - either is extremely worrying, especially on college days.

He has also smoked it in the house recently when we have gone out when his friends are round and also when my 13 year old son is in the house. I warned him if I got the slightest whiff of it again all his money would stop as I am not funding cannabis.

We were gone for 2 hours last Friday night and when we came home he thought he had covered up well with air freshener but we could still smell it and then we found a box with 4 empty snap bags in his room.

He is now on his last warning and I have told him if he wants to smoke class b drugs he will have to find his own accomodation.

He always takes things to the extreme - there was no need for him to have brought it into the house and we didn't need to find it. I am sure a lot of his friends' parents don't know they smoke it as they keep it well hidden and would never dream of bringing it into the house.

He is not getting a penny until Easter (apart from £2.50 a day for lunch - down from £3.50) when I have said I will review it if I don't smell cannabis again.

He is the most laid back person with no motivation in life anyway, regardless of the cannabis. He has already dropped 2 A levels and is just scraping by.

I think I have done all I can for the moment but any comments from Maryz would be much appreciated.

The tutor is a great idea, BIWI.

I would be worried about whether he needs to detach from his friendship group, though. And how he could do that.

Friendship groups are a bugger.

That's exactly what I'm struggling with, mrsreplicant - the realsation that it's such a part of his group.

Bag0fsmeggyDicks - do you have a child whose life has been ruined by smoking skunk?

If not, please be very careful about the way you speak to parents who are in this dreadful position.

Leaving aside whether there is a relationship with schizophrenia, it is the fact that they become so dependent on the drug, which becomes the most important thing in their lives, they will resort to criminal behaviour to get it, they drop out of school/college/university, destroy their prospectsof employment, make their family's lives a misery..........the list goes on.

It is a nightmare.

I have to say my experiences of ds1 are that it doesnt pass. He is 27 now and up to his neck in it.It has definately without a dobt ruined his life,he cant keep a job,got kicked out of the army,has only fellow stoner friends,hardly sees his family,has a cough and brown teeth,is a compulsive liar and has a temper like a dragon. I dont think it will ever pass for him. I tried everything to help him over the years,started when he was about 15. I eventually had to ask him to leave at 18 when i had been cleaned out of my last bit of money,he even stole his younger siblings birthday money then shouted at me when i confronted him. He cashed cheques from my chequebook,sold all of dh's power tools and we had nothing left. The final straw was when we had death threats on xmas eve from people he owed money to.
I have had him home to sort himself out many times but he does it for a bit then gets back on it. dh took him running,paid for driving lessons,we kitted him out for the army and took him miles for appointments and interviews.
I will always be here for him but in his case i dont think it will pass

Oh and bago let me say that you may be able to blind us with science and studies but you my friend are the one who sounds ignorant with your nasty manner of talking to people who are experiencing real problems. I dont know what you are but i am a qualified rmn and i will disagree whole heartedly with you and so would the psychs i work with. The science and chemistry may not support it but real life does im afraid.

We have been through this with DS1 but we handled it quite badly (in hindsight) so I have no advice for you really, just lots of sympathy.

Just be wary of people who tell you this stuff is harmless. That is true for many youngsters but not all come through unscathed. DS1 hasn't touched the stuff for six years but is still suffering from anxiety and depression.

Thanks Mary but it wasn't a good time for our family at all. We were complete innocents, DH and I, as we had never dabbled in drugs in our teens (too busy smoking and having sex like normal teenagers )

All the advice we were given, by our GP, by police officers, by other parents, was that it was all harmless fun. And for most of our son's group of friends, that was true. But for our boy (and two other boys that we knew) smoking skunk had devastating repercussions.

As an ex stoner who lost 5 years to the stuff I think you have done something great just by talking to him. You have made an effort and got some info too, most crucially you have shown you care! I wish someone had done the same for me but I guess my parents thought it was just healthy experimentation.
The effects on my career and long term self esteem have been devastating. It took losing supply by moving town/ boyfriend in my 20's to break the habit. Even now I swoon if I get a whiff of it! Would not bother today though even if at a party.
If only it was seen here as in Holland!
Part of the attraction was being in a small group who did something illegal but it soon became like a personal comfort blanket. It's taken me years to feel like a functioning member of society as a whole.
Good luck OP! If your son keeps mixing and has other interests and friends all the better. Failing that, you are doing the best you can by showing you value him and have high hopes for him, for his future.

Personally, I think "high hopes for the future" are key to stopping. The young person has to see that there is an alternative way to live, which will be lost if the drug use continues.

The "drugs are harmless" people also overlook the fact that some people - quite a lot - have highly addictive personalities, and get can desperately hooked at the drop of a hat; this addiction then leads to the "I don't care" behaviour of stealing etc. Not everyone gets addicted like that; but you won't know until they are.

Maryz ds1 and 3 use the shit I was strict and punative with ds1 and a bit more supportive with ds3,neither worked.Ds3 uses it to a less life harming degree.

The thing about the "its harmless" brigade is that they are usually users themselves or ex users. I always ask myself if i have ever met any heavy users who live a good life and are healthy.The answer is always a resounding no.

I think its about time the govt looked at it as we have areal problem in this country with skunk.I work in child and family and most of the youths i come across are users and its impacting on them and their families.
Id like to see rehabs for young people before they get really entrenched in it.

I am amazed that people can still say that it is harmless, it drives me crazy. We adopted our daughter a few years ago. Her birth father was diagnosed as schizophrenic due to the effect that cannabis had on him. It is known that her birth mother also smoked but as yet unknown what effect this could have on my daughter in the future.

It is not harmless

Users move on to harder stuff because it's hard to recreate the best high you've had. It becomes a quest. A never-ending one.

Like others have said treat him like an adult and keep communication open.

Keep calm and don't panic.
Do, however, get well informed and then have the conversation with him.

I think keep respectful, it's his choice to smoke but it's also your house and you can set what boundaries you wish. A good way of starting a conversation is asking him what he thinks is reasonable for e.g talk to him about the money he receives from you and what he thinks is reasonable to spend it on. Ask him if he has any concerns about the longer term impact - cannabis is a depressant drug like alcohol, but also has hallucinogenic qualities if taken in large amounts.

Please try not to panic though, you are right to be concerned but the majority of teenage drug use is short term and experimental.

Maryz- it's not as harmful as alcohol. Alcohol is the most dangerous drug and kills more people each year than ALL the illicit drugs lumped together do.

That's not to say that cannabis can't be a big problem for many, especially younger people - and cannabis now is a lot stronger and more potent than 15 -20 years ago. But never underestimate alcohol, I've worked both here and in Australia doing drug support and alcohol always topped the list of clients we saw, in all age groups and both genders.

Maryz - just saw your earlier post and I'm sorry about your DS, it sounds like you made the decisions you did to the best of your ability at the time, families are all different and there is not necessarily a right or wrong way to approach it. I'm glad you don't blame yourself, I've seen so many parents over the years who feel so guilty and wonder where they went wrong but the truth is that drugs are so prevalent that it could happen to any of us parents on MN.

I'm not so naive to think that me working in the sector will protect and/or prevent either of my DC drinking or using.

Funny you should mention alcoholism as that is what DS1 is battling at the moment.

I don't know what the answer is. DS started smoking cannabis at 15 and we started off with a soft approach. By the time we realised this wasn't working, his behaviour had spiralled out of control and his personality had completely changed. We clamped down way too late and eventually ended up moving to another part of the country when he was nineteen to get him away from that lifestyle.

In hindsight, I think we should have emphasised our disapproval from the start and kept stressing what he could lose out on in the future.

Ah Maryz, sometimes all you can do in these circumstances is look after yourself so you can keep yourself strong through it all. Someone's else's drug use is not something anyone else can fix. And it does sound like your DS (and you) have come a long way. Though I'm sure there are still times when you want to wail in frustration.

Yy to gambling - was a huge issue where I worked in Oz. The Internet makes it far too easy to spiral out of control too quickly.

Laura - try 'kindsight' rather than hindsight, don't waste time beating yourself up about past decisions that you made with the best of intentions at the time.