Please can someone explain to me in what way teenagers need you so much?

[jasminerice]

I have 2 DC's, age 8 and 6. I keep reading on here about how they need you more when they are teenagers. I really would like to know in what ways.

My mum or dad were NEVER there for me as a teenager (they were too busy arguing with each other or bullying me or doting on their beloved other children). But also I don't remember feeling I needed them for anything anyway.

Was I very unusual for a teenager? I had a best friend all through secondary school. We were like twins, we never fell out, did everything together. So did I maybe escape some of the friendship issues that probably arise?

I also had no real problems with the actual school work, I did my home work without nagging and always seemed to do ok.

I would be really grateful if someone could explain a bit to me. I feel sad that if I did need my parents as a teenager, they were never there for me, I think I was invisible to them. But I don't remember ever feeling like I did need them for anything. I must have been very weird.

Lovely thread.

Just thought I would add why I 'need' my teenagers!

They can reach things I can't
They know more about technology and sort out my powerpoints for work
They have in the recent past entered huge amounts of data into a stats programme for me
They can all cook a Sunday roast if I can't/don't want to
I think I may learn more from them especially about current culture than they have from me
They find me music I might like
They make me laugh and giggle almost daily
They provide music for impromptu parties (last night 14 year old spent until 2 using spotify to get old faves for me and a few friends all for just two magnums!!)
When a teen tells you that you look good it is the biggest confidence boost in the world
They carry heavy things

They are brilliant when they are not driving me nuts

They need you for occasional, very intense, ten-minute chats about how they're worried about friendships or not being in a team.

You don't know when these ten minutes slots will be needed, but if you're not there it means they go to bed with all these weights on their mind. Often all they need is you playing devil's advocate with them for a few minutes.

'OK, Rosie might have given you a dirty look because she hates you, but it might also be because Mrs X. just shouted at her for not having her PE kit and she's just started her period and she feels awful.'

'The hockey coach might not have chosen you for the As not because he hates you but because you forgot to go to practice last week.'

'B wrote nasty things on your FB wall because his hormones have disturbed his brain. His problem, not yours, but in the meantime, just block him.'

love your post yummy i have teen neice and nephews and agree with all that - am a bit jealous that i only have one child so will only have one teen around when we get there.

you are so right about the compliments - lovely. also affection - getting spontaneous, loving affection from a teen is great. as aunty i have a lot less grief to deal with though obviously so may be biased.

Libermonkey, no my mother isn't around. I cut her and my dad out of my life over 5 years ago. I am angry and bitter. Reading on here about the myriad of ways your teens need you and how you are there for them, and knowing that when I was a teen neither of my parents were there for me in any of the ways you have all described. I made all my decisions by myself. I financed myself with part time jobs. I coped with any and all problems by myself, my parents NEVER asked me anything about my life, and I didn't tell them anything, and they were fine with that. They were not in the least bit interested.

I brought myself up.

likewise jasmine.

i really felt it though and didn't fare well because i was targeted by a predator amongst other stuff. they like girls like we were precisely because they have no parenting or supervision and are in some ways vulnerable. it is one of the basic reasons teens need us - to keep them safe from the dodgier and downright dark elements that are out there.

if you didn't feel angry or bitter at the time or since you probably need to face it now and accept that you did need them and they weren't there for you and they let you down. even if you got through it without major trouble and it was 'ok' luckily it still was a let down.

probably didn't help also that the one family member i did really trust and feel loved by and made me feel secure died in that time plus i got really ill with glandular fever and was totally wiped out by it without any help dealing with feeling so awful or support in coping with the changes it made in me. i can testify though that teens really do need their parents even more than much younger children do at times and that support not being there can be very damaging.

take heart in being a better parent than they were. i try to. i'm there for my niece to talk to for example - i'm the one who knows the weird confusion she feels about her relationship with her father, the ambiguity she feels about everyone seeming to be on at her for every little thing she does and wanting to please but at the same time feeling really resentful of the constant pressure she feels etc etc. i hope she'll be able to talk to me if anything bad happens to her or if she feels under pressure to do stuff she's not comfortable with but can't talk to her mother about etc etc etc.

i find it does help to pass on what you didn't have. sorry for going me me me on your thread. hope you are ok.

quick question - do you find it has made you very independent or wary of relying on anyone?

I didn't really feel I needed my parents when I was a teenager tbh, neither did they show much interest in what I did. I am sure they saw it as benign neglect, trusting us to manage but in some ways I felt a bit lost and I do wish now they had been more involved. I will be more hands-on, have been generally. My mother was very involved till I was about 11 (dd's age now) and then she withdrew almost totally and let me and both siblings get on with things. It was not IMO the right thing to do. So dd is going to be stuck with me a lot longer

What my father did and what I appreciated and will do for my own dc is he said: look if you are out, you can call me anytime, from anywhere and I will come and pick you up, I will ask no questions and I will not tell your mother (!). It was very good, really it was, he picked me and my friends up from anywhere at any time, no questions asked (and tbh he saw some dicey situations). I could call him at 4am and all he'd say was "where are you? I am leaving now".

Bonsoir - thanks for that link. From the mother who sent off for a selection of teach yourself French guides because it was 30 years since I did French GCSE and I wanted to help DS1. I am now fully up to scratch with French Grammar but every little helps.

Santa, so sorry your parents failed you too. And I can relate to being ill and having to cope alone. I developed severe eczema as a teenager, all over my face at a time when looks were more important than ever. But neither of my parents ever made any effort to talk to me, reassure I was still a beautiful person regardless of my skin (in fact my dad actually told me I was worthless because of my skin ).

I was very angry after I cut them out of my life and it took a long time and hard work on my part to work through and get past my anger. The worst thing was my mother. When I told my parents I never wanted to see them again, she told DH that they had been wonderful parents and she had no idea why I wanted them out of my life. I should show her this thread and ask her to pick out just one thing she did for when I was a teenager from the examples on here. I can tell you she wouldn't be able to pick one example because she simply was not a part of my life.

Re the question about being very independent, yes I was, to my detriment. I was unable to seek help and support when I needed it and I had a breakdown over a year ago from trying to cope with impossible pressures but being totally unable to ask for help or feel I could rely on anyone. In fact there were plenty of people around me who would have helped if I'd asked, but I didn't know how to ask or even that I could ask. I was so used to coping alone, it literally never occurred to me that I no longer had to live like that, that I had a new family now who are very very differernt to my useless parents.

In our household we have two extremes.

My parents divorced when was 10 and my mother took little or no interest in me and my life (other than to call me names/accuse me of various things) when I was a teenager. I left home at 17 and lived in a series of less-than-ideal places while I took my A-levels. I lacked confidence and had no support so did not believe I would get good grades at A-level; consequently I went to a crap poly and dropped out after a year. Then I met and married my first husband who was a loser in every way. He ground me right down. Fortunately I gathered enough oomph to divorce him and after a few years as a LP sorted myself out to a certain degree- especially wrt my looks, as I was never told I was pretty/attractive but only criticised for silly things (e.g that ponytail doesn't suit you/ ridiculing me wearing a tiny amount of make-up)

Then I was lucky enough to meet DH, who lived at home until he'd finished uni (more common in SA, where he grew up), with two supportive, interested parents who encouraged him and believed in him (but still set boundaries even as a teen) He has a great career and is chock-full of self-confidence (although not arrogant). He believes in himself, that he can do whatever he sets his mind to. He has no regrets.

This is what I want for my dss. So far, the rule of thinking what my mother would have done and doing the exact opposite seems to be working. My boys are told daily that they are loved and they have no hesitation in saying it back. Ds1 (16 in a few days) has confidence in himself but still needs me for support and encouragement. He is a lovely lad.

I am now as confident as I can be that I'm doing this all ok. Ds1 seems to think I am too- and what more can you ask?