Please can someone explain to me in what way teenagers need you so much?

[jasminerice]

I have 2 DC's, age 8 and 6. I keep reading on here about how they need you more when they are teenagers. I really would like to know in what ways.

My mum or dad were NEVER there for me as a teenager (they were too busy arguing with each other or bullying me or doting on their beloved other children). But also I don't remember feeling I needed them for anything anyway.

Was I very unusual for a teenager? I had a best friend all through secondary school. We were like twins, we never fell out, did everything together. So did I maybe escape some of the friendship issues that probably arise?

I also had no real problems with the actual school work, I did my home work without nagging and always seemed to do ok.

I would be really grateful if someone could explain a bit to me. I feel sad that if I did need my parents as a teenager, they were never there for me, I think I was invisible to them. But I don't remember ever feeling like I did need them for anything. I must have been very weird.

I don't have an answer for this as I don't have teens, but I get what you're saying and I've often been a bit mystified by parents of teens on here saying how much they need them. Why? When I was a teen I was at boarding school and didn't see my parents for weeks at a time and during the holidays I often stayed with friends. I also confided in my friends, not my parents, always did okay at school, loved to read to amuse myself during the holidays, etc. I'm sure my mother would tell you I was a PITA, but I don't think I 'needed' my parents all that much.

Taxi service, bank, source of guidance and dare I say it friend.

Not everyone has a BF round the corner to confide in.
Mine lived 9 miles away, DDs is 10 and at a different school.
DD1 needs us for all manner of practical and emotional support.
DD2 is a much more sociable animal and direct independent. Somehow, I suspect we'll still be expected to be there on her terms
Most of all a teens parents are there to provide a sense of security.
I went out into the world knowing my parents would always be there for me if I needed them, what ever happened.

Well I did not see much of my parents when I was a teen my Dad worked a lot and my Mum and I did not get on as I feel she alienated me.

My friends were my family and I was happy with that but I think I missed out on the wisdom they could have given me in dealing with situations so I did a fair bit of stupid stuff and they barely noticed :(

I don't think I would go as far as being a SAHM when my kids are teens but I will try and be around for them to talk to and be as open as I can. It is a hard part of life and it would make it easier if your parents were around and emotionally available enough to help you through it.

Guidance, sums it up nicely.

They need you because they are finding their own way and when they got lost they need to know you are there to come back to.

And my teenager still seems to like my company. Thank god.

I've only had a teenager for a month so don't really know yet, either. I'd say that (apart from the practicals like lifts), the main thing my 13 yr old seems to need us for just now is the sense of having a stable "base", when lots of other things are so new to her. So my theory that what teenagers actually need is the very boringness and predictability that they despise so much .

As others have suggested, it's not so much the practical stuff (although I do seem to spend a lot of time taxiing and stocking the freezer and food cupboard) but it's about "being there" when they want to talk to you - to tell you things, to ask your opinion on things, to pick your brains on the very few occasions when they believe you might actually know something more than they do about something, to use you as a sounding board, tojust have a rant or moan about something. At times being a teenager, it seems like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, and it's good to know that Mum and Dad are there when you need them.

Because it's a period of tremendous change and upheaval and they need someone consistent to 'be there' that they can turn to, even if they shut themselves in their room and ignore you

They don't all have friends
Friendship groups break up
Hormones, puberty, dating
Bullying - if it happens it makes primary bullying a picnic
Peer pressure, drugs, alcohol all on horison
Homework - they don't all do it automatically you know
Having to sit and think about their future career and academic pathway when some of them just aren't ready to grow up yet

Behind each lumbering spotty teen there is often an insecure little boy or girl

I think the main ones have already been mentioned - guidance, stability, wisdom, experience. They don't need you to be there as high a proportion of the time as younger children do, but it will help them in life if they have someone who they can talk things through with when they need a bit of advice. Sometimes that's practical stuff - study techniques, help getting themselves sorted out for revising, making sure they have looked through the rules for exams and have sorted out what they need.

But also to talk about friendships, peer pressure, issues like smoking and alcohol and drugs. Not big "talks" where you tell them what to do, but a chance for them to mention things and you to point out another viewpoint on the subject which they maybe haven;t had from their friends.

They can get by without it, if they're lucky, or resourceful, or have other adults in school etc who they know and trust. But you don't just stop being valuable as a parent when they reach their teens, your involvement still adds a lot to them.

Thanks for all your responses. I get what you are saying about eg guidance. But guidance about what? I never talked to my parents about anything. Literally nothing.

And I also understand about the stability. But again I didn't have that either. My parents clothed and fed me and I had a place to sleep.

I had a paper round(s) from age 14 and a saturday job from age 15\16 so earned all my own spending money.

I suppose I did get lifts from my dad to go places but I think I mostly used public transport, so didn't need him much for that really either.

I'm more interested in the emotional support teenagers need. Is it in relation to issues with friendships mainly?

I am not exaggerating when I say I am totally clueless about this.

Not sure I would say they need you more, but they need you in different ways. When they are little it is more physical, practical support, e.g. the school run. When they are older it's more social and emotional support.

I spend a lot of time with my dd tallking things through. I don't give her much advice as such, just a chance to verbalise and sort things out in her own mind. Yes she does that with friends, but parents have a different point of view and sometimes we do know more than teens.

When I was a teen my parents were not there for me either. (We have not been close since then either, but that's another thread.) At the time I didn't feel I needed them for anything. From my perspective now, though, I can see that I missed out and would have benefitted from some parental support.

Well, every child and every family dynamic is different, but because you never talked to your parents about anything, doesn't mean your dcs won't want to.
We talk about all sorts of things in this house - from how credit works to trying and currently failing, but we plod on to help him learn to manage his time, to things that are in the news. Often something in the news that is talked about then helps them formulate their own opinions and feelings at a time when they are being exposed to all sorts of things. One recent example was we were talking about the massive ban the Liverpool footballer received, and the pending case over John Terry, to do with alledgedly making racist remarks on the football field - nothing to do with us as a family per se, but he was interested in telling me what he thought, and (and, thinking about it, this is something he has learned over time, he never used to do this) he wanted to know other opinions (ie, mine).
dd will sometimes say "What does .... mean" and it will be something she's seen on the tele or read in a book or paper that she's not fully grasped, but, because we talk, she feels she can ask, rather than remaining ignorant or pretending she knows. The theory is that, as we can talk about whatever comes into our minds, that, hopefully when there is something big that's worrying them, they know they can still talk.
We don't have big heart to hearts and analyse their friendships on a weekly basis, but by talking about situations all the time, then the plan is they will keep talking when they do need our support. If you don't talk now, then you are not likely to be the person they will open up to when they do want a sounding board.

Lol OP - I remember a mother of teens advising me 'they'll need you more when they get older' whilst mine were still in infants and thinking she was barking

You do seem to have been a remarkably independent teen with pretty distant parents so I can see why you think like that. Survival strategy perhaps? It sounds as though your best friend provided the stability your parents didn't. I think the most important thing is emotional support with friendships, dealing with peer pressure etc. I do the practical stuff like taxi service but tbh that's less important because the practical stuff can always get sorted somehow, but the emotional stuff can't iykwim?

We talk about friendship issues, sex and relationships; what to study for GCSEs, A levels, university courses and how that all relates to future careers. Of course different people will have different problems that worry them.

TBH I find all this stuff more interesting than the physical care little ones need or all that time in the playground. I also like that I don't have to wait for dp to come home from work before I go to my yoga class.

I think emotional support for everything in their lives really -

friends
relationships
school work
smoking, alcohol, drugs, sex
plans for the future
understanding money
planning their time - balancing school, job, sport, social life
emotions - they can be on a real rollercoaster with hormones and other changes

And it changes over time - what a 13yo needs advice on will be different from a 16yo, or 18yo

I think by the time your DC are reaching thier teens, you'll have a relationship with them where you'll have a feel of what they still need from you, and what areas they have sorted. There isn't a single one-size-fits-all way of dealing with them , apart from the usual show respect for them and expect them to show respect back.

Thanks for more responses. I really don't mean to sound as if teenagers shouldn't need their parents because I managed without mine.

I had to manage with any guidance or support from my parents because they just weren't interested in me. My dad was abusive so I just avoided him as much as possible. My mum was always far too busy with my younger sisters, she NEVER spent time with me or allowed me to talk to her. I must have just learnt to cope alone and I certainly learnt to bottle things up in a very unhealthy way.

I am determined to be different from my parents. My DC's and I talk about everything.

I do think my best friend and her family, particularly her older sisters may have taken the place of my essentially non existent parents in providing guidance. Not directly to me, but via my friend. She copied her older sister and I copied her. Luckily her older sister was a bright, hard working girl so we had a good example to follow. I dread to think what would have happened if I had a different less sensible friend, given that my parents had no involvement in my life.

*manage without

Maryz, thankyou for mentioning that children may stop talking to me so much when they get older. I do need to be told stuff like that.

I was not a typical teenager at all. I can see that clearly now. And my parents were completely rubbish, which I've known for years.

Thanks everyone for your input.

Maryz's hit the nail on the head there. They don't want to open up to you at convenient or pre-arranged times, and that's why it's good if you can spend time with them as often as you could, as it increases the chances of you being there when they need you.
The taxiing is more than just getting them to places too - it's a great time for talking, as often their siblings aren't there, so it's easier.

I think being there for teenagers starts now, it helps if you start with the "How to listen so kids talk...." etc. stuff. Then also know how to back off just a short way to let them make some mistakes/ask for your help. Practice and think about dealing with "bombshells" (I will make a cup of tea).
If you get it right, you will hear about that "party" from them, rather than third hand or not at all. They will ask for your opinion on things, and advice.
But you also do a lot of taxing, re-stocking the fridge, being made fun of (my taste in clothes is the worst) etc. Teenagers do like you to be available, so they can talk to you if they want; although they will complain loudly, especially when you nag about homework/exams.
Your parents obviously weren't there, so you knew there was no point, so you relied on friends. Fortunately it sounds like you choose a good one, but your kids might not.

I think the most important thing parents can do for teenagers is be a constant. If you let your teenagers know (not through gushing at them verbally necessarily) that you love them and are around no matter how their looks/laugh/height/voice/clothes/views may change, you are doing a very good thing.

The worst thing my mother ever said when I was a teenager was that she kept looking around for her little girl, and didn't feel like she knew me any more. (I should add that most of the time both of my parents were amazing and helpful in 1000 ways.) Well - remember that whatever lumbering adolescent appears before you, the inside person is still the same as the one who used to build houses out of chairs or swoop around talking about dinosaurs, or give you a big hug when you were sad and tell you that they loved you.

Try to spend time with them one to one, so that they can relax in your company, even just being quiet together can be nice when teenage social life can be pretty rowdy.

And teenagers need their parents to tell them stuff, the stuff they don't know they need to know. Like how to apply for a driving license, or that Bristol Uni won't think their dance diploma is good preparation for a degree is biochemistry, or how to change their bed and put the sheets on a hot wash if they bleed on them overnight.

they do need you but just not so obviously. they like you to be a taxi, do their laundry, give them money, let them have their friends round. TBH my ds is 14 and he is more needy. The 2 dd's are older and more independent and don't like me interfering in their lives which I find very difficult especially with boyfriends etc.

It sounds like it's mainly about making sure the lines of communication stay open, even when they get older and less willing to talk as much.

I can see where things went wrong with my parents. My mother never spent time with me alone. I was the eldest and she was always busy and with and preferred my 2 younger sisters. There was never a line of communication ever established between us from when I was young, let alone when I was a teenager. I spent nearly all my spare time at my friend's house and that suited my mother. It was easier for her to have me out of the way so she could give all her attention to my sisters.

She NEVER asked me how I was, how things were at school, how things were with my friends. NOTHING. I can honestly say we have never had a conversation about anything my whole life. We are like strangers.

I notice how all of you as mothers feel it is your responsibility as a parent to ensure your child can talk to you by being available and approachable and interested. My mother now blames me for us never talking. She says it is because I was difficult to talk to. I think it was her fault because surely it's up to the parent to maintain an open line of communication with their child, from when that child is young, upto when they are older and less willing to talk openly.

jasminerice I was like you. Benign neglect it was, but I never realised until I had a teen of my own .
It suddenly occurred to me that the reason I made some very bad choices when I was a young teen is simply because I could. Frankly my mother was too busy with her social life to notice and my father was too grumpy.
I never got any input with school work other than the expectation that I would do well because I was clever. Well that's not enough. No one ever asked me whether I had homework, let alone sit down and explain how to do something I was struggling with. Result - I did no work and I left school at 16.

Mine and DHs involvement in the day to day lives of our teens bears no resemblance to that of my parents with me. We still engage and talk and educate them as much now as when they were tiny. Plus all the stuff others have said.