Please can someone explain to me in what way teenagers need you so much?

[jasminerice]

I have 2 DC's, age 8 and 6. I keep reading on here about how they need you more when they are teenagers. I really would like to know in what ways.

My mum or dad were NEVER there for me as a teenager (they were too busy arguing with each other or bullying me or doting on their beloved other children). But also I don't remember feeling I needed them for anything anyway.

Was I very unusual for a teenager? I had a best friend all through secondary school. We were like twins, we never fell out, did everything together. So did I maybe escape some of the friendship issues that probably arise?

I also had no real problems with the actual school work, I did my home work without nagging and always seemed to do ok.

I would be really grateful if someone could explain a bit to me. I feel sad that if I did need my parents as a teenager, they were never there for me, I think I was invisible to them. But I don't remember ever feeling like I did need them for anything. I must have been very weird.

that is a bit like me Jasmine. My mum was exactly the same and it has had terrible repercussions for me as I can't help being OTT with my own DD's to compensate.

Now though I get on fine with my mum

It's been established that if a girl (the research showed specifically a girl) goes off the rails as a teenager, it's really hard for her to get back on track and go into adulthood unscathed.

So keeping them broadly on the rails is quite important.

To my teens I hope that I provide
Support
Someone to be the grown up
guidence
advice
discipline
role model
someone to scream and shout at
unconditional love
hugs at all times
a shoulder when they have been dumped.
someone to go out for a meal with (or cinema)
Someone who will trawl the internet for college info, or the price of some xbox game
Taxi of course
Bank, goes without saying.
A listening ear when they have had a bad day.
Someone who is always on their side.
Someone who doesn't care if they act like little kids, and want to snuggle next to me under the duvet with a bowl of popcorn watching rubbish telly.
Someone who will cook, clean etc for them.
Someone who will be just proud of them today as when they took their first few steps, and smiled their first smile.

"Someone who will trawl the internet for college info" - oh, yes.

Aside from cook, ATM and taxi driver, mine need

reassurance
odd questions answering
support
guidance
giving them a get-out when their friends want them to do something that they are unsure about, being able to say "Mum says no" is quite enabling for them
re-inforcing boundaries - catching them out doing something that they shouldn't quite often but he needs to know that he has firm boundaries in order to feel safe

I am going to print this thread and keep it. And it is obvious as somebody said, that the relationship between me and DC's starts now, long before they reach their teens. I feel a bit more reassured as I do have a much much much better relationship with my DC's than my mother had with me. Although that's not hard as there was no relationship between me and my mum, other than her providing regular meals.

I know I need to keep talking, listening, spending one to one time with each of them, which I do already.

Having terrible parents had one positive in that I know EXACTLY what not to do.

Jasmine - I'm sure you will be great. My parents are the most brilliant parents imaginable, and based it all on NOT doing what their parents had done for/to them.

Elephants, thankyou for your post. It's EXACTLY what I need to hear.

Yes Jasmine it was her fault not yours. She was the adult, you were the child. The responsibility was hers.

Acanthus, thankyou. That's what I think. But my mother (and sisters) think our bad relationship is my fault. My mother will NEVER see what she did wrong.

But it doesn't matter because I can see what she did wrong and I will make sure I do not repeat her mistakes.

Maryz, yes, your DH and I follow the same rule!

YOu've had some smashing advice on here. Just spot on. I love MN sometimes

My parents were well meaning but useless with me. They had a lot on their plate with my handicapped sibling and were from dysfunctional homes themselves so I can understand it.

However I have learned so much from watching my PIL and listening to them. They talked to their boys and advised them. They knew what was going on in their lives.

My approach to my teenagers sounds like Mrs Squirrel's and aMuminScotland's. It helps that our teenagers do want to discuss everything and anything with DH and me.

So far this weekend we have been asked about A level options, friendship issues, help with science hwk. We have been a taxi service for DD2 and DD1's friends are coming for a sleepover so extra food has been got in.

As MrsSquirrel says this is the fun age- I know it can all go wrong Maryz so I am enjoying it while it is going well.

Empire, your relationship with your teenagers sounds really good. I never talked to my parents about any of the things you have mentioned or anything else for that matter. Your children talk to you because you have built up a good relationship with them from day 1. My parents didn't do that.

I feel a bit sad when I read about how much all your children talk to you. I never had that. I dealt with everything alone.

But my DC's and I have a good relationship, we talk about everything. So I don't think we'll end up like me and my parents.

Not so much physical support but guidance and to lurk in the background , teenagers dont know they need you they know it al by the time they are 15 but they do need supportive parents to be there for them imo ,

Oh just to add, I have an okay relationship with my teens, I had a good relationship with my mother; but she had an awful one with her mother. My mother is a shining light of how even with a dreadful mother, and an okay but quite sexist Dad; she did a much much better job of parenting me. So Jasmine I am sure you will do much better with your kids.

MrsJ thankyou and mummytime thankyou so so much. Your post has reassured me so much. I'm terrified that somehow, without realising it, I might end up like my mother was with me, which left me feeling suicidal at times . Thankyou so much. Gonna give my DD the biggest hug when she gets home from school.

jasmine - just by thinking about it you have taken a bit step towards not being like your mother. One thing to bear in mind is that even when they aren't very nice to you they still love and need you - I am struggling to remember that with my DD right now

'Benign neglect' is a very easy trap to fall into with teenagers.

Sometimes you need to seek them out - especially if they have a bedroom/xbox habit.

I always go and find my 16 year old and say hello to him if I come home and he is already here.

I always say go in and say goodnight to him. I make him talk to me - we do it in a jokey way 'so. how's it going' etc. Often he will grunt at me, but I always pat his arm and say 'good to have had this little chat with you' which seems to make him laugh.

Also, as Maryz said it is so true that while your days may be freer when your kids grow older, your evenings and weekends become very busy. Your kids will have a life of their own and it might be very rare that you are ever all together as a family so, cheesy as it sounds - find some 'family time' - eat together, or do an activity together sometimes.

SecretSquirrel is right - sometimes bad choices are made because you CAN do it, because no one cares otherwise. So it's good to remind them that they have a back up team - ie the rest of the family.

Quite agree with merry.

In fact the viler they are to you that day, the more important it is that you 'touch base'.

Just recently I've been reading the Hobbit to my 15yr old at night A bit pathetic maybe but it's a nice way to get close for a little while.

The thing I notice as my DC get older is that you need to be very vigilent.
You need to know that they're eating properly, getting a good night's rest, keeping up with school work. You need to know that they're not having sex, drinking, smoking, dieting or whatever...

So you need to see them and pay close attention.

You're no longer micro managing their lives, but you still need to oversee. And you need to be around a lot for that.

One of the things that horrified me about termly boarding when our HT suggested it for DS, was just how do you keep a close eye?

orm not pathetic at all.

Reading aloud (or exchanging well know stories) was a way of passing the evenings among adults until fairly recently...

Merry, neglect is what my mother did. She never sought me out to ask how I was, she never noticed if something was wrong, (i can tell immediately if there's something wrong with DD without her saying anything, but she is only 8).

And when I was vile (or upset or worried) my mother was nowhere to be seen.

Thankyou all so much. You are all such lovely, caring, switched on mothers. How lucky your DC's are to have you.

Orm, I read to my Ds as well. Sometimes it morphs into a what do you think about this, tell me why (him not me) etc. We call it DMC - deep and meaningful conversations. I'm really glad to find we are not the only ones.