Please can someone explain to me in what way teenagers need you so much?

[jasminerice]

I have 2 DC's, age 8 and 6. I keep reading on here about how they need you more when they are teenagers. I really would like to know in what ways.

My mum or dad were NEVER there for me as a teenager (they were too busy arguing with each other or bullying me or doting on their beloved other children). But also I don't remember feeling I needed them for anything anyway.

Was I very unusual for a teenager? I had a best friend all through secondary school. We were like twins, we never fell out, did everything together. So did I maybe escape some of the friendship issues that probably arise?

I also had no real problems with the actual school work, I did my home work without nagging and always seemed to do ok.

I would be really grateful if someone could explain a bit to me. I feel sad that if I did need my parents as a teenager, they were never there for me, I think I was invisible to them. But I don't remember ever feeling like I did need them for anything. I must have been very weird.

I don't think benign neglect is a good idea with teenagers, you need to be a lot more on the ball than that with them to keep them safe and happy.

I worry about the fine line between support and encouragement and being pushy and expecting too much.

When our teenagers are fretting that their exams might go badly we tell them it doesn't matter- they then just have to move on to plan 1.2. There are always other options. I want them to work hard but if it all goes badly I don't want them to be distraught. A friend's brother committed suicide when he got his GCSE results. Horrendous.

For the exams one, we always told DS that it was simpler and more convenient to get a decent set of grades first time round, while you're in school and not trying to juggle lots of other things in life, like families and houses. But that if the exams didn't go well, there'd be other opportunities to get qualifications later if he felt he needed more, and other options in life if exams just weren't something that went well for him. So yes they're important, but not the end of the world.

Straight and narrow
Keep them on it
Relentless

Can I really recommend Parentchannel.tv. It's a great website which uses video clips of experts and parents to offer advice and support to parents of children 5-19. If you click on the link you'll see over 50 clips relating just to older teens.

Teens are going through massive changes. Their hormones are all over the place. Socially they are changing school, moving between social groups etc. Their brains do not finish developing until they are in their 20s - and the teenage brain is more risk-taking than an adult brain. They are beginning to take responsibility for their own decisions and actions, but still need help and support to make safe and sensible decisions. Nor do they have the life experience to see them safely through. They are facing external pressures from exams, peer groups, the media etc.

There is no question that parents should be around to support and help their babies and toddlers. For some reason we think teens should be able to cope alone, despite not being physically or mentally equipped to handle all the changes they are experiencing.

Do not underestimate the power of modern technology either! It is simple to place locks and security on internet for young children. Teenagers on the other hand, have phones and access to facebook, internet - all of it. You need to be around to talk to them and to observe them from a distance to know when they are getting into things they need help with! Ignorance isn't always bliss at all.

Can I just gently say - and I do mean this very gently - that most of your posts have been about you, and your relationship with your own mother. You need to move on from that - I know this from experience. There are too many facets of motherhood for you simply to be able to take everything that your own mother did, and do the opposite. Concentrate on your DCs, and who they are, and what they need as they grow, not on what you needed and didn't get.

Coffee, yes, you are right. Thanks for posting that. I will remember what you have said.

Interesting posts here! DD is 17. Fends off my every attempt to help/advise with anything - school, university application, advice not to embark on a two week evening training course for her part time job immediately after her prelims, actually telling her she should study for her theory test (driving) and not just rely on what her instructor tells her, having some order in her room just so she can find stuff. Just keep having to remind myself that I have to be the rock and the safety net. Not here just to dole out cash and feed her but to give a sense of how the world works and the possibilities for her to fit into it as a rounded, giving human being. No is such a great word. When I said I was glad she was participating in the school's charity fund raising efforts, she said, 'Yeah well, I do it to put on my CV, it's a complete pain.' :-(

We are either arm in arm or sounding like a sack of cats. Also remind self that when she leaves (September this year) it will be very, very hard as I will then be home alone. However, I will be able to please myself entirely for the first time in 25 years (have older DC as well). Perhaps I'll have a second teenagehood!

As a stepmother to two teens, I would say that, yes, they still need a lot of material support (of a different support to when they were younger - less chauffeuring, a lot more feeding and laundry) as teenagers but, more than anything, they need their parents to guide them through all the decisions that are going to enable them to leave home, study, get a job and become independent adults. No-one else is going to help them make those decisions (unless they are at boarding school, which is outsourcing by parents who still foot the bill) and they are very difficult, emotional and time-consuming as well as requiring substantial analytical skills.

i think it's really easy to get into trouble or out of your depth as a teen - there's a natural stage of wanting to explore and try things and to try on new identities in working out who you are and that can lead into troubled waters for some. i think they really need their parents to stay connected to them and around and open and interested even if they give off an air of independence and disinterest. it's a huge developmental stage psychologically, physically and socially and that's a huge new map to negotiate.

in developmental theory all of the stages of childhood are revisited in the teens so in a way it's like a second childhood in itself - it would be odd to put so much effort into the early childhood years and taking care of development then only to ignore the mirror stages in teens when it's all going on again but 'out there' with a million other influences to contend with and with important factors and decisions going on that will have a shaping effect on the rest of their lives.

i had no parental input or supervision as a teen and i personally wouldn't recommend it. i had a lot go on and to deal with on my own that my parents were totally unaware of because disinterested.

basically the teen development can consolidate good development in childhood (or alternatively just repeat lack of development to further reinforce learning that is not constructive).

for an example take the issues of authority v autonomy - something negotiated in toddlerhood and then revisited in adolescence. if a toddler was taught well how to manage the drive for autonomy but to balance it with consideration to others, keeping safe, coping with having to follow certain rules etc then they've been aided in their development to cope with a lot of social realities. if they've had too strict and controlled a time they may lack autonomy, dignity, self esteem etc or be very fearful example. in adolescence when it comes up again that's going to be revisited and how it is will draw upon how it was in childhood obviously but can also be a chance to challenge that and modify learned behaviours/feelings/values about self and others. so if the over controlled child finds themself in an environment where there is room for independence and some free thinking and exploring of what they belief etc that may benefit them to get rid of some of that rigidity - if they're still in a very controlled rigid environment with overly authoritarian adults and systems it may just reinforce their sense of powerlessness etc.

for the child who ran wild and ran round bashing other kids on the head and demanding things and throwing tantrums and their parents didn't deal with that well there's a second opportunity to learn some boundaries in teens when that stage comes up again. or they could just go round bashing people on the head again and telling their teachers to fuck off etc. but if someone helped them at that stage to learn to deal with their fear/resentment/anger at authority or to learn some self control/deferred gratification etc it can be challenged and some of the damage undone.

likewise if a child did not get much nourishment and affection in childhood at the stage where it was really vital that can be challenged or reinforced by experiences in adolescence.

sorry for epic post.

"basically the teen development can consolidate good development in childhood (or alternatively just repeat lack of development to further reinforce learning that is not constructive)."

I agree very much with this. If teenagers have a better learning and developmental environment than they did as small children, they can learn new and better behaviours. My DSSs' environment is in many ways quite different to the one they had as small children (different carers, different school with children from other locality) and we have seen some very major improvements in DSS1's emotional development in the past 18 months that we almost didn't believe he was capable of.

it's like a window reopening bonsoir. a golden opportunity if you like. glad dss1 is doing well.

We moved him to a different school to his catchment school for lycée (collège is from 11-15, lycée is a different school from 15-18 but if you stay in your catchment you stay with the same children and mentality) and it was one of the best things we've ever done for him - he came back on the very first day at the new school absolutely thrilled, and he has blossomed since. All the families we know well who kept their children within catchment are disappointed, with unhappy/indifferent teens.

Living in a rural area the DC have always needed us as a taxi service. There is public transport which they do use but more often it's me or DH. As they get older the journeys become longer/earlier/later. Often we can't have a drink of wine in the evenings because we need to collect one of them.

Something has basic as keeping the house stocked with enough food takes time as well as money. I'm down to 3 teenage sons at home and you can't imagine how much food they get through especially when mates come round.

Hopefully we give useful advice re school, careers etc. If they don't listen to us maybe they will listen to their older sibs and their partners.

Parenting any age group as its problems but looking back the primary years were a doddle. You can pay someone to care for younger DC but no one will take responsibilty for secondary age DC.

I have been fortunate to have been around after school and during most holidays for mine. I have known where they were and more importantly who they were with. Occasionally they have lied and things have gone wrong for them but we have found out quickly and sorted things out. If you know their friends and the friends parents you can keep track of your teens. Maybe this would not be the case in a town/city.

In what way do they need you?

Chauffeur - to school, tennis, hockey, piano lessons, parties. Every week an endless round of driving her. Occasionally there is a muttered word of thanks. Oh and she is permanently late so getting her in the car to get to these places on time is a major battle fought with grimness and determination on my part. There are no buses by the way. Hence my advice to all prospective parents is to live on a bus route.

Cleaner - incidentally, did you know that parents of teenagers get to be screamed at when tidying the teenager's bedroom? I have a cleaner but if I screamed at her she would leave. Not an option for parents, more's the pity. I tell you if parenting a teenager was paid employment, I'd go on benefits.

Clothes fairy - cue more unreasonable behaviour

Cook - the same sort of nonsense as when they are 3 'Why did you put mushrooms in the boeuf bourgignon, you know I'll only have to pick them out?' 'Because it will taste entirely different and WRONG without mushrooms, you obnoxious brat, you should be grateful to have decent meals prepared for you.' The rest of the sentence after the word 'mushrooms' was said silently. Otherwise WW3 would erupt

Bank - get used to endless withdrawals and no deposits.

Clothes police officer - 'No DD, you are not wearing 5" heels. That is ludicrous and dangerous and in any event you have been blessed with height so in 5" heels you will risk creating a wobbly giraffe effect"

Psychologist (this is the most time-consuming role - it involves hours and hours in the evening) - If friend A is bullying friend B, then ditch friend A. It really is that simple. You don't have to spend hours wittering on about it.

Teacher - this is a doozy, this one. After years of being mulish and unco-operative and refusing to learn any modern foreign language, it has just occurred to DD that she has to do one for GCSE and she will not do well in it. So I am cast in the role of supplementary french teacher. You try teaching your daughter GCSE French. We're averaging an eyeroll every 30 seconds.

I am sending her to board in the sixth form. No, really, I am. I have a marvellous line about boarding being such a wonderful staging post to independence. It makes DH giggle every time I trot it out.

Was that post cathartic, quattro?

I'm off to take one of mine for a music lesson it's only 15 miles away. DH is getting a lie in.

Quattro you are very brave teaching yours. My 15 yearold could do with help with french. He does accept now that a GCSE in MFL is needed.

Very much so, Bonsoir :)

I agree entirely that benign neglect is a mistake for teenagers. Great idea for in-betweeners, say between 8 and 12, but a mistake for teenagers. They'll withdraw to their rooms and you'll never know what's going on or be able to connect.

I quite fancy a bit of benign neglect for myself, though. They don't have to bother you constantly with all this friendship nonsense, do they? Mind you, in DD's case it did get out of hand. DD has no problem making friends, but she makes misjudgements and shows an entire lack of discrimination in the friends that she makes. We had a situation where friend A bullied friend B to such an extent that she ended up in a psychiatric support unit. The parents of friend B were devastated.

Help with French for teens here

That's interesting Bonsoir, and i would definitely book her a course there but for one thing, which is that it only seems to cater for 16-18 YOs or adults. I need to get DD a good grade in GCSE, she won't be doing the subject at A level. Is there anything equivalent for 14-16 YOs?

a french boyfriend would solve her troubles - a very handsome young french tutor would probably be a safer bet and just as motivating my nephew's (half french so you'd think he wouldn't have needed motivation) french has improved exponentially since he got involved with a french girl who is splitting her education between france and england now.

you can benign neglect for those in between years because actually very little development goes on - they're learning lots of 'knowledge' and such but the real development kicks in again at adolescence.

ooh mind you quattro there's the other option - send her to france for a few months. lots of birds killed with one stone

From 11-18

Op, is your mum still around? You sound very bitter. Do you think it might be good to try to build that relationship even at this stage? Might be good practice for talking to a grumpy teen!