Teenage daughter pregnant. Disappointed, upset, angry WWYD?

[Downnotout]

My 18yo DD has told us she is pregnant. She has just started a 2 year course which would have set her up for life.

Her BF of all of 4 months is in the forces and will be going to Afghanistan next year, although he says he will stand by her. She was on the contraceptive injection but was ill a few weeks ago, had lots of anti biotics and ended up having an operation. Somehow in amongst all that she managed to get pregnant.

I feel so disappointed. For her, for him, for us as a family. It isn't good news. She is living away at college, we have signed a lease on the house. She will have to leave college and the house and we will have to continue paying til next September for it. As well as next terms fees of £4000. We have been killing ourselves to pay for all this as it was her lifelong dream to do this course/ job and now it's all for nothing.

I think she has rose tinted glasses on about life with a pretty house and a cute baby gurgling away in the background. Join me here in shaking your heads and thinking about the reality of being alone with a baby, not having slept for weeks, your partner away at war and having to spend your last ten quid on a packet of pampers.

There is no way we can have her back living with us at home. Call me selfish, but I have brought three children up. My youngest is still only 9. Somewhere along the line me and DH were starting to think about having a bit more time to ourselves.

Yes she's 18, an adult. Old enough to make her own decisions. But I am filled with dread about it all. I am only too aware of the pitfalls, what might go wrong, if they split up etc. and I know she will need me to be there for her, to support her. But I just don't want it. I don't want the responsibility of it. I don't want to be tied to another baby and I wish so much that she wasn't throwing her life away and maybe ruining his. A baby is forever and at her age she has no concept of what that means.

Glad to here the new developments, but sad she said some harsh things to you OP.

I'd continue to support her until Feb ( which may be cheaper than the support you were giving her on course - though can she stay on course as long as poss ?) , prepare for a nice Valentines ? wedding in Feb, and wish her well.

Support her and encourage DH and DS to be as generous with support too as they can manage !

( This is my WWYD ? response, after reading much of thread - but no, not all - I'd be here all day ! )

My other post was responding to your earlier ones OP. Have just read your latest one, and do feel for you having had such a difficult life and especially childhood.

I'd say though that good loving families show support for one another - as you have often given to those in your family. Don't feel that she will behave worse if you support her. I believe strongly that it's better to support those we love whatever happens.

Completely agree with chipping (I posted on this thread earlier as lordalconleigh).

OP I don't understand why you are getting a kicking - it is too sinmplistic to say that all babies are a blessing. I really don't blame the OP for not embracing this pregnancy - there are plenty of stories on here of teenage mothers who did well (I am one of them), but the fact remains that being amother so young is not ideal for anyone. Yes you can carry on studying, but working FT, looking after a baby and studying at the same time is exhausting and looking back I wondered how the hell I did it. No wonder I was so bloody depressed for years.

I too wouldn't let my teenage daughter move back in with me - it would absolutely break my heart to be so cold hearted but I could not wholeheartedly support this.

OP your dd sounds incredibly immature, and you sound between a rock and a hard place. Who knows whether this relationship will last the distance, it does sound as if you will have to be there to pick up the pieces, and I feel very sorry for you.

If she is getting a kicking it's only a very gentle kick up the arse (Remember Father Ted and Bishop Brennan ?) for her own benefit - so that she'll remember to give her daughter the love and support she wants to in her heart of hearts, and not just tow the line with her DH and throw her DD out when she needs her most.

Also , you will not turn into your mother OP.

And, why terrified DD will turn into you - would that really be so bad ?

IMHO It's a harmful myth that women will turn into their mothers. Very misogynistic.

Half the time the mothers aren't so bad anyway !

Juggling - a lot of what has been said was definitely not gentle. It was ill informed, nasty & unnecessary. People need to read threads before posting randomly.

Down - what a difficult life you have had :( You have been so good to your Mum, so generous all considered. It's sad you didn't know how your Dad felt about you before he died, but at least he had apologised, you'd made up and you spent some time with him. Hopefully, one way or another this will made DD find her own two feet and I hope that before long, when she's a mother herself, she starts to appreciate just how much love & support she has had from you.

Sympathy for you OP. Some harsh comments here. Those who would have their daughter move straight back in, or say they would 'look after the baby as much as DD wants me to', good for you, but that's your choice and the OP is not obliged to do it that way. Yes parents should support their DC but to the extent of sacrificing their own life?

Not that it matters, because the deed's done now, but I am confused about the injection/anti bs thing anyway. I was on the injection for years myself and it didn't work that way - it's not like the pill. So I wonder whether she has actually got the injection done or not last time round. However, what's done is done. It does make me think, though, that maybe this is all some kind of self-sabotage - she was worried about the course, after all this planning and aspiring towards it, and therefore she unconsciously put herself in a position where she'd be unable to carry on with it, through no fault of her own (as opposed to not being good enough, failing assessments etc)?

Re practicalities. Why doesn't she withdraw from the course now, if it is absolutely certain that she will not be able to continue? That way you might at least avoid some of the upcoming costs. Likewise, why not move in with / marry the boyfriend now, and they can start being responsible for a joint household budget? Not sure why it is necessary to continue to support her being on a course that, from what's been said, is now utterly pointless as she will not be able to go back or complete it in this version. Might as well pull out and spend the money on something of more use. She does seem quite 'entitled' about this. Does she work at all alongside the course? I understand the value of investing in education, but paying her mobile phone bill etc as well all adds up and as an adult she should start to take on responsibility for at least some of this, or cut her cloth accordingly.

I don't mind taking a bit of a beating. People are entitled to their opinions.

Unless they have hours to spend reading this thread, my previous threads and the long drawn out explanation of my life, they are bound to think I am being harsh and just thinking about me, me, me.

Juggling has challenged me repeatedly on this thread but she also asked questions that I needed to ask of myself. That's all good.

Eightieschick.

Yes to everything you said. These are the questions we are asking and it may take some time to sort through all this, if, how, when she leaves her course, what our financial obligations are to them under the circumstances, ditto with the lease on her student house.

Will she be able to move in with him at all, he lives in barracks, does the army really just hand out houses like that and what hoops will they have to jump through? He is still completing his training. I have no idea yet how any of that works.

She does a bit of babysitting to supplement what we give her. It's nothing regular, just as and when.

Hi downnotout I'm glad we're still friends ( Hey ! I wouldn't go that far !! )

I hope I've not been too harsh. You seem very generous hearted OP and I hope you will be with your DD because I'm sure she needs you ATM.

Glad things seem to be settling down a bit after what is bound to be a shock for everyone. Best wishes to you all for the future.

'If she is getting a kicking it's only a very gentle kick up the arse (Remember Father Ted and Bishop Brennan ?) for her own benefit - so that she'll remember to give her daughter the love and support she wants to in her heart of hearts, and not just tow the line with her DH and throw her DD out when she needs her most.'

She's been treated quite harshly. Look at posts like MollieO, completely uncalled for.

I'm one of those bad mothers who couldn't have teen parent and baby living with us, my mental health would not be able to cope with that, I must be horrible. I also cannot afford to support adult children, again, must mean I'm terrible.

I think there are different ways to give support in this situation, not necessarily involving having DD back home (with OP)

But thinking it's only really until February when she's getting married and getting her own place with DB/DP

I know I was slightly outrageous with the "kick up the arse" thing but its nothing compared to some stuff you read on here

The fact that "it's nothing like something of the things you read on here" does NOT make it ok to give the OP a pasting, Juggling.

*like some of the things you read on here

Stupid iPhone.

Update and more questions for you.

DH spoke to BF last night. It seems he feels pressurised into this to do the right thing. Everyone else had been shouting at him but DH stayed calm and he was able to admit he is not ready to become a father, he wants them to have a life and be settled first. He then speaks to DD and tells her this, then phones us back to let us know what he has said to her and would we speak to her.

DD says she has agreed to have a termination because "I can't go against him, but we're still getting married and I'm not going back to college." so I offer to drive down today to go to the doctors with her for support. She says no, she doesn't want anyone with her. She then says she has started bleeding anyway.

She told me she had made an appointment for 12 today. This morning she has rung me and says she's already been and they think it's a miscarriage. She appeared very calm.

I have already beared my soul on here so I know I can ask for your thoughts on these developments. I have alarm bells ringing in my head.

Are you worried that she's just saying she's having a miscarriage so you all stop talking about terminations and then when its too late she'll say btw I'm still pregnant?

Mmmmm, I do begin to wonder if this was a bit more planned that she's letting on. Its odd that she said she's not going back to college even if she had a termination. Why not? She'd have no reason to not continue at college.

Would you feel comfortable calling her bluff and going to the EPU if she's bleeding?

Like viva I wonder whether there's more to it.

Ah, could well be your DD is having a miscarriage poor girl.

People get pregnant without planning to and people sadly have miscarriages very often.

On the whole I wouldn't be as suspicious as some people seem to be.

It's life ! A sometimes precarious but very strong force.

He is being posted Somewhere else in February. Much further apart and they would not be able to see each other regularly.

He never mentioned marriage to DH. And said they both need to get their qualifications.

It just doesn't add up. There is more to this. I have rung her doctor. Said I was concerned at her state of mind. The doctor is going to ring me later and while he can't give out information he just wants to put my mind at rest because there's nothing for me to be concerned about.???

My first thoughts were the same as Viva's.

Her boyfriend sounds like a nice lad, OP.

It'll be interesting to see what she says the GP has said. AFAIK bleeding in early pregnancy means a referral to EPAU at hospital for a scan.

Ok a scan would tell us if she is still pregnant or not. She is going for a scan tomorrow to confirm this.

But..... What if there was no pregnancy in the first place?

Don't shoot me please.

Has she been manipulative to this extent before? She'd be very immature to play with such things.

I wonder why she doesn't want to go to college in any case. It's like someone said further up the thread - as if she's deliberately self-sabotaging to avoid facing up to the fact she doesn't like the course/ doesn't think she'd make it etc.

I hope things turn out well, one way or another.

Ah.....I get you.

Mmmm not sure if the scan would be able to tell you that or not.

Do you think she's trying to test her bf's love for her? See what he'd say/do in such a situation? Or your love even?