Teenage daughter pregnant. Disappointed, upset, angry WWYD?

[Downnotout]

My 18yo DD has told us she is pregnant. She has just started a 2 year course which would have set her up for life.

Her BF of all of 4 months is in the forces and will be going to Afghanistan next year, although he says he will stand by her. She was on the contraceptive injection but was ill a few weeks ago, had lots of anti biotics and ended up having an operation. Somehow in amongst all that she managed to get pregnant.

I feel so disappointed. For her, for him, for us as a family. It isn't good news. She is living away at college, we have signed a lease on the house. She will have to leave college and the house and we will have to continue paying til next September for it. As well as next terms fees of £4000. We have been killing ourselves to pay for all this as it was her lifelong dream to do this course/ job and now it's all for nothing.

I think she has rose tinted glasses on about life with a pretty house and a cute baby gurgling away in the background. Join me here in shaking your heads and thinking about the reality of being alone with a baby, not having slept for weeks, your partner away at war and having to spend your last ten quid on a packet of pampers.

There is no way we can have her back living with us at home. Call me selfish, but I have brought three children up. My youngest is still only 9. Somewhere along the line me and DH were starting to think about having a bit more time to ourselves.

Yes she's 18, an adult. Old enough to make her own decisions. But I am filled with dread about it all. I am only too aware of the pitfalls, what might go wrong, if they split up etc. and I know she will need me to be there for her, to support her. But I just don't want it. I don't want the responsibility of it. I don't want to be tied to another baby and I wish so much that she wasn't throwing her life away and maybe ruining his. A baby is forever and at her age she has no concept of what that means.

It seems to me you are going through a really tough time and can't trust you daughter. Your daughter has got a huge sense of entitlement and needs a reality check for what is not acceptable. I would think calling your mother a bitch is quite high. I think you need to talk to her and try and stay calm. Something huge might be going on here and you won't find out what it is by going behind her back.

Has she said anything about her course to you? Perhaps she is finding it harder than she expected, or has changed her mind about it being what she wanted?

It seems a little strange that she is saying if she aborts, whether spontaneously or deliberately, she doesn't want to continue with the course - it does sound as though she's trying to get out of it.

Not going to shoot you - sounds plausible that she's making an excuse - but she might not be either, you know. She might have become pregnant and realised that she'd rather do that (marriage and baby) than the career she thought she wanted.

Can you volunteer to go to the scan with her? Will she let you go?

OP having just read through all of this I have no advice but your story made me well up a little bit.
I hope everything works out ok for you and your DD

FootballFriendSays VivaLeBeaver

Yes she has always been manipulative. To varying extents and some very extreme.

If this is all about her following him to wherever he is being posted, as seems to be the case, she would have to have a good excuse for giving up her course. Pregnancy would give her that excuse as we have established.

So has she planned it but is now losing the baby? Or has it been fictitious all along and was she using it to make sure he would take her with him and give herself an out from the course, planning to " miscarry" later or even just keep trying to get pregnant and claim getting dates wrong?

She is perfectly capable of this. If I've got this all wrong and leaving college isn't a consequence of being pregnant but it's the other way round- it puts a whole new light on things. I have to be sure.

Can you ring the college to ask them? Would they even tell you?

" She might have become pregnant and realised that she'd rather do that (marriage and baby) than the career she thought she wanted."

Perfectly possible, but she can't just try and force him into that, which is what she's done, if it isn't what he wants.

Somewhere along the line here she is messing with people's heads, and lives, for her own ends. She doesn't give a toss about anyone else when she is in this frame of mind and NOTHING will stand in her way when she decides to to something.

Obviously I can't accuse her of lying because if she is having a miscarriage she needs our love and support. But every fibre of my body is telling me she is lying about something.

It is pretty rare to get pregnant on Depo/injection, even with ABs and operation (neither of which affect this, IIRC). When I worked in a women's clinic, we had many women from cultures that didn't allow them to take birth control using this, who did NOT want anymore children and this way there were no pills or devices around to catch them out by their husbands. And none of them got pregnant.

Downotout I've just read your last few posts , and I'm feeling very sorry for you .

I'm so sorry your dd has put you through all this. It's looking to me , that she has a similar selfish nature to you mother.

She cares not one jot about other people's needs of feelings , just interested in getting what she wants.

Her boyfriend appears to know nothing of the marriage plans ...he wants to continue his studies .

On telling you she's miscarrying ,she seems very calm ...that's a very odd reaction to such an emotional and hormonal event.

She clearly does not want to study , she wants someone to furnish a lifestyle for her ...you and dh , then her plan is for bf to take over IMO.
Not nice .

She needs to see a counsellor. She may have narcissistic personality disorder.

Well whatever the truth its not going to her plan, is it?

Do you think if you went to her and said you want to help and it doesn't matter what she has done you will love her, support her etc she might eventually confess ie she hates the course but couldn't tell you or doesn't want a baby anymore or there never was one etc. Offer to go to the docs or hospital with her and her reaction could be telling.

I think you said she is far away but whatever the truth things are falling apart for her right now. She may well be manipulative and selfish but she needs support (not saying you should financially btw but reassurance and love).

Downnotout, I don't know if I've mentioned it before but I used to work with pg teenagers. It's unusual for a teenager to become pregnant accidentally. It is more common for them to say it was an accident but if you ever get them to open up enough to you for them to admit that it was kind of on purpose, even if it was only missing alternate pills and not taking other precautions and being fatalistic about what might happen.

Ime, a lot of such cases happen when the teenager in question isn't very happy with their current relationships, they either think their partner doesn't love them enough and this will make them love them, or they're not getting what they feel is enough love or affection from parents so they want to create something of their own who will love them unconditionally.

I've also come across a surprising number of teens who have said they're pregnant when they're not and then told everyone they've had a miscarriage as a kind of way of testing the water. Seeing what the bf says and does, seeing what the parents do. Then a few months later they're pregnant for real so be prepared this may happen again.

It's also unusual for teens to tell their parents the same day that they find out unless they have a very good and close relationship with their parents which it doesn't really sound like you do at the minute. They normally need longer to come to terms with it themselves first. Of course there might always be the odd one who come to terms with it very quickly, etc but for me that would ring alarm bells that something wasn't quite right.

Do you think maybe she's just missing you badly and wants to come home? Maybe she was hoping you'd say come home?

And I don't think anyone could diagnose a personality disorder on the basis of this. I've seen plenty of teens do similar and have no personality disorder. It's not the brightest thing to do but they have their reasons for doing it and I think often don't think it through very well, don't think how it's affecting others.

But if either she's made it up or she is trying or planning to get pregnant on purpose then counselling may not be a bad thing to help her with self esteem and any other issues.

Downnotout - I'm sorry, but this had already occured to me, when you first said it. I know from your other threads what a manipulative person she can be. I feared it might be her wanting to get off of this course - and obviously, this was a good way of doing it because she didn't have to tell you, it would have been them saying she couldn't stay.

This might sound awful to other people, but I would get DH to ring the BF again and have another talk with him. Make sure that he understands that from your pov there is no pressure for him to get married to her, none at all. Tell him that you are concerned for her at the moment but that he needs to think of himself as well. Think about what he wants and that he just needs to be straight and firm with her. It wouldn't hurt to mention that no matter what she says, if they continue seeing each other he should take use condoms take adequate precaution not to end up in this situation again as you think she might not.

She needed to see someone when she was with the other lad - I don't think anything has changed. There is something very troubling and she needs counselling to get herself sorted out. Sadly, it may be due to her early childhood and you may take some flak for this - but you have to hold onto the fact that you were young and did your best at the time. That you have tried to make up for it since then.

Have you heard back from the Dr yet? Does he know you? How long has he known her?

If I were you, I'd go there today, whether it's what she wants or not.

Well,well, well.

Anti biotics do not affect the contraceptive injection.

The doctor let me describe a scenario where a young girl came to the surgery last thursday and had a pregnancy confirmed.

He said listen to me carefully. I have not seen your DD before. The last appointment she had here was not last week and at that time there were no concerns of this nature.

I feel sick.

Viva, have you read the OP's other threads? This young woman is highly manipulative and rather scary liar.

Shit OP. I guess it's a relief in one way for you but opens up many new problems. Have you spoken to her?

'Anti biotics do not affect the contraceptive injection.'

No, they really don't. The director of the clinic was a much experienced consultant OB/GYN and saw only 2 women become pregnant on the injection. One lady was rather large, had 5 children already and actually presented at A&E with severe abdominal pain. Because the injection often stops your periods, this lady honestly did not realise she was pregnant. Best the consultant explained, she had ovulated the day of or a couple of days before having the first jab, which she continued to have throughout her pregnancy.

Her baby was born healthy and full-term, though, a few minutes after she arrived at hospital :o.

OK so she's lying - why would she? She's playing very peculiar games here.

I think it's time for a family showdown meeting.

Ah, so she has made the whole thing up. Tricky really, you can gently let her know what the GP said and tell her you want to help. That you're not judging her for making it up, etc. See what she has to say.

Have to say though I think the GP might be skating on thin ice about patient confidentiality. I know he hasn't actually said anything about her health, etc but he's managed to let you know she hasn't been to see him and therefore probably isn't pregnant. I'm surprised you didn't meet a total refusal to discuss Your dd who at 18 is an adult. Obviously as a parent I think he's done the sensible thing but if I was 18 I'd be furious.

Downnotout you need to ask her which surgery she went to and which Dr. You need her tell you it was this Dr at this surgery before you can be totally sure she's not lying about every single part of this.

If she's not pregnant though and not having a miscarriage that's two positives in a way isn't it ?

A teenager lying about something to her Mum - she wouldn't be the first to do that would she ? Or to be confused about what she wants to do with her life ?

Oooh good point Chipping - who's to say she went to her usual doctor. Her doctor says s/he hasn't seen her before at all, which is strange.

Antibiotics don't no that's true. If she has been keeping up with her injections. Do you know this? Also I tend to see random doctors, at my surgery. She may be lying yes, but still some points to consider.

I think I'd hold my tongue for now. I kind of feel sorry for the boyfriend, tbh. Makes me rather fearful for my son, if he gets involved with someone like this.