Teenage daughter pregnant. Disappointed, upset, angry WWYD?

[Downnotout]

My 18yo DD has told us she is pregnant. She has just started a 2 year course which would have set her up for life.

Her BF of all of 4 months is in the forces and will be going to Afghanistan next year, although he says he will stand by her. She was on the contraceptive injection but was ill a few weeks ago, had lots of anti biotics and ended up having an operation. Somehow in amongst all that she managed to get pregnant.

I feel so disappointed. For her, for him, for us as a family. It isn't good news. She is living away at college, we have signed a lease on the house. She will have to leave college and the house and we will have to continue paying til next September for it. As well as next terms fees of £4000. We have been killing ourselves to pay for all this as it was her lifelong dream to do this course/ job and now it's all for nothing.

I think she has rose tinted glasses on about life with a pretty house and a cute baby gurgling away in the background. Join me here in shaking your heads and thinking about the reality of being alone with a baby, not having slept for weeks, your partner away at war and having to spend your last ten quid on a packet of pampers.

There is no way we can have her back living with us at home. Call me selfish, but I have brought three children up. My youngest is still only 9. Somewhere along the line me and DH were starting to think about having a bit more time to ourselves.

Yes she's 18, an adult. Old enough to make her own decisions. But I am filled with dread about it all. I am only too aware of the pitfalls, what might go wrong, if they split up etc. and I know she will need me to be there for her, to support her. But I just don't want it. I don't want the responsibility of it. I don't want to be tied to another baby and I wish so much that she wasn't throwing her life away and maybe ruining his. A baby is forever and at her age she has no concept of what that means.

It is not just the pregnancy, it is also the case of having a child which means she can not complete the course, or indeed follow that specific career path. There are just some things you cannot do with a dependant child even with the best childcare available.

She can take the course elsewhere at a later date if she chooses. There are plenty of other things she could do with the qualification. Just not what she intended to specialise in. And another course at another college/ uni will not open the doors that this would have done. The people who would have employed her would not take on someone in her position and there is no point in talking about equality or discrimination, that is the bottom line.

Yes it is time for re- evaluation.its not the end of the world I know. I feel more positive today. I know things don't always turn out how we expected. I have to let go of my expectations and try to provide the support she will need but my OP still stands. I am approaching this with trepidation.The rest of the feelings I am supposed to have- will come in time. She knows I love her and will support her.

Thanks for reiteratering it, Thumbwitch. It would be discrimination if they said she could not continue due to being pregnant. It is NOT discrimination if the course was open to men too, and men would be kicked off the course if they were deemed medically unfit. In my industry it is simple - pass medical = work. No medical = no work. It does not matter why you don't have a medical, I know men who have lost their's due to diabetes or heart problems. If you are not physically in a condition to do the job, that's that. No discrimination. The training requires you to hold a medical for the full duration of the training with no breaks in it. During my training 2 men lost their places due to not being able to ensure a continuous period of medical validity.

So serious as in having sex or do you think the baby was planned, secretly?

Why did the GP not tell her the contraception wouldn't work when taking antibiotics?

I have no idea what I would do as my dd is only 8 but I would support her as much as she wanted.

When people talk about being disappointed, what are you disappointed about? The fact they have had sex? Not used contraception? What?

A new addition is supposed to be a happy thing, what's all this gloom and doom about. It might not be easy but life is not easy, and things don't always work out the way you plan.

To be fair, new guidelines say that antibiotics do NOT affect the pill. I was advised this when being prescribed a new pill, I fell pregnant on it anyway, at exactly the time I was on antibiotics for a bad wisdom tooth. My GP has since said he tells his patients to disregard the new guidelines as he's seen many 'antibiotic babies' in his time, so I'm not sure about that one. I can understand the sense of disappointment. I'd not want my dd to have to take responsiblity for another person so young. I would think she was missing out on opportunities that only come when you are young and childless.

I think i would be really sad and dissapointed if my 18yrold got pregnant your daughter was using contraceptives and they failed must be such a shock for her , abd you , Cant she stay at college ? dont they have creches etc , id get her to go to student support and see what options are there , her life shouldnt end because shes having a baby ,

As I have said disappointed that through her own actions the life she had worked for, dreamed of, is not open to her anymore. What is so difficult to understand about that?

Fab, your DD is 8, my youngest is 9. When they are that age it is hard to imagine them growing up, being sexually active, the fears you have for them. dD1 is still my little girl but she is going to have to grow up very fast now.

We have always discussed sex, contraception etc openly. We discussed her going onto the injection rather than the pill. We discussed that she should also use condoms. Am I disappointed that she didn't listen? I don't know how I feel tbh.

I think you're getting a bit of a kicking here for making it clear to her she cannot live with you. I don't see anything selfish about that, especially as you have younger children. She's an adult. It's entirely possible to support her without her and the baby living there, as ledkr points out.

I have two daughters and make it clear to them that if they will need to live elsewhere when it comes time to start a family. I have significant problems with my mental health and simply could not handle another baby in the house - that's why my husband got sterilised and I use contraception as well.

I keep coming back to this thread. Much Mumsnet reading late at night with a poorly DD gives me lots of reading time and think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time.

I can completely imagine how disappointed you as a parent may feel to find your DD has find herself in this position. MY oldest is only 4 so a long time to go for us yet until we have the worries that teenage years bring but still, when she gets there I want the best for her. If shes going to continue in education, get a job or whatever it would far more straightforeard if she could this without the added responsibility of a newborn. If she were to find herself pregnant I'll support her, of course i would, but i imagine id be disappointed too. Disappointed because her life was about to become more complex, more challenging than perhaps it needed to be.

I dont think anyone wants their childrens lives to be harder than they have to be but theres no getting away from the fact that to have a baby makes your life harder. Yes, it also brings many, many joys but alongside that are difficulties. Life for the OPs DD is going to become harder - financially, emotionally, more responsibility, unable to do the things she had planned and if not unable, certainly restricted - and why should the OP not feel disappointment and worry? Better that she shares the concerns here with a group of strangers and present a more composed, less reactionary face to her DD.

Oh come on. A new addition is supposed to be a happy thing? sometimes it is, but sometimes it isn't. dD isn't exactly jumping for joy at the moment.

When you have an unplanned pregnancy the first reaction is usually shock. Followed by ,fear, confusion , excitement. Even in a stable, long term relationship having a baby is not always the joy you expect it to be.

Just because I have shared my feelings of doubt with you all doesn't mean that we won't love the baby when it arrives. Just because I have concerns about how she will cope and whether this boy will stand by her doesn't mean she won't receive our support. Saying that I wish it hadn't happened is the truth. It's how I feel. But it has and there are all sorts of consequences that will have to be faced up to. That's the reality of it.

At 18, I thought I knew everything. At 42 I realise I don't know everything and that I don't always have the answer.

OP I think that you are getting an unneccessary hard time on this thread.

It must be upsetting for you to think of the tough times ahead for your DD and the loss of opportunity / future for her.

For those of you who are doubting the OP saying that her daughter's future is at stake - I have a friend with a DD at one of the top ballet schools and a cousin training as a nanny at a well known old fashioned nanny school, from what I have heard I could well imagine that they would take a dim view of pregnancy and withdraw the opportunity.

And if you do not want her to return home to live with you then that is totally your choice - as eminence says there are lots of ways that you can be supportive without her living with you.

If she believes that she is old enough to make adult decisions like having a baby then she is old enough to accept the responsibility that goes with them.

I think tobermory put it much better than i ever could , We want the best fo r our children and while a baby isnt a disaster it is life changing for everybody . Op i hope you can get some answers from college etc I think she could easily finish her first year at college there isnt any need for her to come away from the place she is living just yet , I see so many young girls having babies when they arnt ready . I was one although i wasnt 18 when i had my dd , but It was a shock to me , having a baby when you are so unprepared isnt all rosy ,

Eminencegrise and Tobermory thank you for those comments.

I am getting a bit shirty and I shouldn't. Lol.
I asked for opinions and that is what I am getting. Whether you have agreed with me or think I'm a hard nosed cow it is all appreciated because it is making me think of the wider view and not just from my point of view. Which I absolutely needed to do.

My son became a father just before he turned 19. He has since split from the child's mother (mutual agreement) and sees his child for almost half the week, including overnights. This is all well and good, and we love our DGS very much.

But...

He can't leave this area for training or work, because he wants to keep up the current level of access. There isn't much training or work available in this area so for the moment he's stuck in his NMW, zero-hours job. Obviously he's looking for better but with a million young people unemployed he's not holding his breath.

His ex is somewhat flakey and attempts to control who my DS sees, and where he goes. (He is a responsible father, he's not taking the child to drug dens or anything!) Members of her large extended family have threatened him with physical violence; her mother attempted to run down her son's DP when she was pregnant, so these are not empty threats.

Every now and again she has a hissy fit and threatens to stop access altogether. She said the same when he saw a lawyer in an attempt to have access regularised.

His life has changed forever, his opportunities restricted.

Of course we're bloody disappointed, no matter how much we love DGS.

OP, you have my sympathy.

And you mine Oldlady. it must be very difficult for you and your son

Plan for the worst and expect the best. Isn't that what they say?

Oh, we muddle through, and DGS really is a joy. But when the news was first announced I experienced all the emotions you're going through now, I spent most of a weekend either in tears or on the verge.

And it was our wedding anniversary weekend, and we'd flown to Dublin for it! That was a waste of money!

Oh well. DGS has just arrived, so I'd better go and be sociable.

Well..... We had a semi positive discussion tonight. Apparently they will get married in February and the army will give them a house and everything will be fine.
I spoke to his mum who had the same opinion as me. She has just been through this with her DD and she felt the same way as I did. It has been soul destroying for her and she is very negative about this happening again, and is trying to dissuade her son.
Then DD said she intends to stay in her house til feb, with us paying the bills and giving her £100 a week to live on, while she sorts things out. As things stand, she cannot complete her course as it is not being continued after this year ie it is being replaced by a different course. I told her I loved her, she would always be my baby, but making decisions as an adult meant she had to understand the consequences of her actions.
When I asked about how they would manage financially she said that I was only with DH ( of 19 years), her Dad, for the money (we had none when we married and set up a successful business together) that I had never been a good example to her and called me a stupid bitch.

I am struggling to be positive about this.

why are you giving her money? have a missed a post?

Ooh, I bet that hurt! :( But you're right to stick to your guns, she's an adult making adult decisions and must accept the consequences.

Well I guess it's good news that he's standing by her and theyre getting married if that's what she wants.

I'm sure she doesn't really think you're a bitch. Maybe when you're asking how she's going to manage financially she sees it as being critical.....not believing that she can......? I know you're only asking as you're concerned but she could well not see it that way. She's quite possibly not thinking very straight herself at the minute.

We are paying.... Because she is on this course.....so £4000 a term, £400 a month rent, £100 a week to live on, £45 a month bills, plus her mobile phone bill, and yesterday a bill for £250 for a uniform coat, which will now not be required.( but she's got it anyway)

"Ok, so forget the course. I'll just keep living here and you just keep paying for my lifestyle until I get married."

I know I said I can't have her living back at home with a baby, but I haven't told her that. It is just her expectation that life will continue as normal.

Sorry that was an explanation for custardo.

well this stupid bitch wouldn't be stupid enough to keep paying that's for sure.

not got a solution. she can present herself as homeless at the council if she is about to be made homeless - which she is.

Well considering I had just spent half an hour persuading DH not to cut her off immediately and to give her time to get sorted out, I am now having a weep on my own in the kitchen, with a glass of wine, wondering if I AM a stupid bitch?

I 'm sure someone will be along in a minute to tell me it's teenage pregnancy hormones and not to take any notice.

It's teenage pregnancy hormones, don't take any notice.

Ach, she' probably scared too, trying to put a brave face on it and not thinking it through. She must be a bright lass if she won her college place against so many others, she'll work it out eventually.

Does her college have any kind of student counselling services she could talk to?