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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenage daughter pregnant. Disappointed, upset, angry WWYD?

625 replies

Downnotout · 18/11/2011 13:57

My 18yo DD has told us she is pregnant. She has just started a 2 year course which would have set her up for life.

Her BF of all of 4 months is in the forces and will be going to Afghanistan next year, although he says he will stand by her. She was on the contraceptive injection but was ill a few weeks ago, had lots of anti biotics and ended up having an operation. Somehow in amongst all that she managed to get pregnant.

I feel so disappointed. For her, for him, for us as a family. It isn't good news. She is living away at college, we have signed a lease on the house. She will have to leave college and the house and we will have to continue paying til next September for it. As well as next terms fees of £4000. We have been killing ourselves to pay for all this as it was her lifelong dream to do this course/ job and now it's all for nothing.

I think she has rose tinted glasses on about life with a pretty house and a cute baby gurgling away in the background. Join me here in shaking your heads and thinking about the reality of being alone with a baby, not having slept for weeks, your partner away at war and having to spend your last ten quid on a packet of pampers.

There is no way we can have her back living with us at home. Call me selfish, but I have brought three children up. My youngest is still only 9. Somewhere along the line me and DH were starting to think about having a bit more time to ourselves.

Yes she's 18, an adult. Old enough to make her own decisions. But I am filled with dread about it all. I am only too aware of the pitfalls, what might go wrong, if they split up etc. and I know she will need me to be there for her, to support her. But I just don't want it. I don't want the responsibility of it. I don't want to be tied to another baby and I wish so much that she wasn't throwing her life away and maybe ruining his. A baby is forever and at her age she has no concept of what that means.

OP posts:
WhatsWrongWithYou · 30/11/2011 22:01

Downnotout, I posted early on in the thread that I felt sorry for your DD - because, well, I kind of did, at that stage in the game.
I still feel an amount of pity for her, as she clearly isn't happy and I can't believe she'll get any true happiness out of this sorry situation. But I can see that all was not as it seemed.

I apologize if my comment added to your distress - I can see there's been a huge back-story and a lot that none of us (probably including you and or DD ) will ever understand.
But this latest escapade has me stunned by its sheer nastiness. It's as if she's tryint to get some sort of rise or reaction from you, and when she doesn't get the one she's looki g for (or thinks she's looking for), she ups the stakes and tries something else to see if she pokes you this way, you'll jump.

It's no consolation to you I know, but there's no way she can get anything approaching genuine pleasure and enjoyment from her Big Day, not when she's turned it into such a sideshow. I think your dignity is shining through and you must be so worn out with it all.
I truly hope your exemplary behaviour in the face of all this is making her squirm inside, and she'll realise in time what she's been doing.

Sorry for the essay - I'm sure you've thought most of this already yourself - just felt moved to show support.

2wwmadness · 30/11/2011 22:02

Gurl puts it better. She's looking for the reaction. It gives her self worth. You care enough about her to be spending so much time/effort trying to help her. Cut her off. Call her bluff. She had to learn the hard way. I honestly, honestly didn't think my family would go. Till I went to the house one day and they had.

Thumbwitch · 30/11/2011 22:20

Re. the college - will they accept a meeting with you instead? Will they allow her to drop out without this meeting? What I'm trying to say, is what will happen if she refuses to go back for this meeting ever (a likely scenario)?

Re. the wedding - ignore it all. Including the instructions for the dress.

Original poster
Downnotout · 30/11/2011 22:20

Wow whatswrongwithyou, thank you.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsSantaClaus · 30/11/2011 22:32

OMG! She really is upping the stakes. i feel for you, I really do, though I have nothing to offer in practical terms. Stand your ground, face her down.

Original poster
Downnotout · 30/11/2011 22:37

DH is going to speak to them tomorrow to find out where we stand. Also to the landlord.

She is trying to manipulate things but it will all backfire on her.

I am thinking that Tenerife looks nice this time of year.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 01/12/2011 01:36

I think, and I could be wrong, that she's actually pushing you in the hopes that you will lose your rag and ban the wedding, insist she returns home, insist that she can never see the boyfriend again - purely so she has something to rebel against. You not rising to it makes her a rebel without opposition - which is absolutely the right thing to do, but it's making her push harder and harder to see when you crack so she feels justified in being such a bitch.

Keep going, Downnotout - you're doing the right thing.

mathanxiety · 01/12/2011 06:48

I love your idea of Tenerife.

Don't do anything about the gauntlet she is throwing down for you. Her invitation to DD2 didn't work out as planned (an angry no from you was not forthcoming) so she has upped the ante. Sad though that DD2 is sort of caught in the middle. Could you get her a reasonable dress in the right colour and also book yourselves all tickets to Tenerife for that night...

AgathaCrusty · 01/12/2011 08:05

Oh no! She just doesn't know when to stop, does she? How on earth can she book a venue for the busiest time of year at such short notice? I suppose his family must be helping to pay for it?

Tenerife sounds a good option.

Maryz · 01/12/2011 08:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

busybusybust · 01/12/2011 09:16

Wow! She really is a little madam, isn't she?!!!!

I think you re doing wonderfully well! Just don't give her any reaction at all.

As a matter of interest, just who does she think is paying for all this? What do his parents think? I honestly think that she believes you will back down and give her her way. Well, she's going to be in for quite a shock!!!

Yes, tenerife would be lovely at this time of year!!!

cory · 01/12/2011 09:32

Don't just ignore the wedding- make bloody sure she knows you are not paying for it! Otherwise you are quite likely to find that she has made all the arrangements in your name. If she can lie about you to her college, there is no reason she can't lie to the hotel and catering firm

Maryz · 01/12/2011 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gingeroots · 01/12/2011 10:58

Tenerife .

gingeroots · 01/12/2011 10:58

right after wedding

scaryteacher · 01/12/2011 11:35

I would also find out quietly where the reception is being held and let them know that you are not paying for anything, so if she is trying to get you to pay, she is closed down early on.

Thumbwitch · 01/12/2011 11:52

Good idea, scaryteacher. If half the village have been invited, then it shouldn't be too hard to find someone who will talk - the only difficulty is the mortification of having to admit to anyone outside the family that Downnotout doesn't know it herself. :(

OldLadyKnowsSantaClaus · 01/12/2011 13:46

It's possible the reception venue is a local pub, and everyone is expected to pay their own way, so no big bill.

madwomanintheattic · 01/12/2011 14:48

i'm sure it's all over her facebook account...

the beach sounds like a lovely idea, down. and will also prevent you from becoming embroiled in any drama. performances are no fun without the right audience. Sad

i don't think i would trust myself not to get involved if it was playing out on my doorstep. i think a quick chat along the lines of 'i see you have made up your mind, darling. we've decided that we will get out of the way so we don't spoil things for you, and will be taking a bit of a holiday in the sun to get a break as we've found it quite stressful. we popped in to college and officially withdrew for you, and we given notice to the landlord. you and bob will need to make arrangements for your removals to your new place. let us know where it is when you've found somewhere. have a lovely day and we'll speak when we get back.' no further discussion.

and then i would be hightailing it out of there so that i wasn't available for further discussion. let them sort themselves out. if she goes through with all this she's going to need to know how to stand on her own two feet. it really isn't going to be the life of luxury she has envisaged. 8-10 hours a day of sitting ialone n a rank quarter in the middle of nowhere with military furniture ought to see to her sense of entitlement nicely. poor kid.

nicknamenotinuse · 01/12/2011 14:50

There are worse things in life than a new baby.

OldLadyKnowsSantaClaus · 01/12/2011 14:54

Please read the thread, there IS no baby and quite possibly there never was. Things have moved on.

EightiesChick · 01/12/2011 15:14

I like madwomanintheattic's script for this. My only reservation is that I don't think her parents can withdraw on her behalf from the college course, but it might be no bad thing for her to think that you have. Can you get a friend to find out where and when the wedding is? Then, as cory says, tell them directly that since you have been paying her college fees, she will be paying for the wedding herself. And yes, definitely Tenerife!

EightiesChick · 01/12/2011 15:15

MNHQ any chance you could add something to the bottom of the OP to say this discussion has moved on considerably, so posters who want to comment would be better off skipping to the last page? I'm reporting my own post to see what they say.

haddock1976 · 01/12/2011 15:32

Downotout

Do not pay for DD2's dress, make sure you know where all yours and DH's credit cards are, speak to his parents and ensure that they are not paying for anything and keep your chin up. This is going to get worse before it gets better. Sad

If you're going to go away, I would change the locks or at the very least get keys from her. It takes longer than a couple of weeks to sort quarters out and if he's still in training, I'm not sure where she thinks she's going to live. Hmm

She will turn out fine, it just takes RL to make happen.

madwomanintheattic · 01/12/2011 16:33

quite, haddock. i mentioned in an earlier post that he had better have been applying for his quarter some time ago if he thinks he's got to get one on the day after the wedding. and as he's still in training and posted in the new year, it's a mystery to me where they think she's going to live until the mq materialises...

will she stay with his parents?

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