Teenage daughter pregnant. Disappointed, upset, angry WWYD?

[Downnotout]

My 18yo DD has told us she is pregnant. She has just started a 2 year course which would have set her up for life.

Her BF of all of 4 months is in the forces and will be going to Afghanistan next year, although he says he will stand by her. She was on the contraceptive injection but was ill a few weeks ago, had lots of anti biotics and ended up having an operation. Somehow in amongst all that she managed to get pregnant.

I feel so disappointed. For her, for him, for us as a family. It isn't good news. She is living away at college, we have signed a lease on the house. She will have to leave college and the house and we will have to continue paying til next September for it. As well as next terms fees of £4000. We have been killing ourselves to pay for all this as it was her lifelong dream to do this course/ job and now it's all for nothing.

I think she has rose tinted glasses on about life with a pretty house and a cute baby gurgling away in the background. Join me here in shaking your heads and thinking about the reality of being alone with a baby, not having slept for weeks, your partner away at war and having to spend your last ten quid on a packet of pampers.

There is no way we can have her back living with us at home. Call me selfish, but I have brought three children up. My youngest is still only 9. Somewhere along the line me and DH were starting to think about having a bit more time to ourselves.

Yes she's 18, an adult. Old enough to make her own decisions. But I am filled with dread about it all. I am only too aware of the pitfalls, what might go wrong, if they split up etc. and I know she will need me to be there for her, to support her. But I just don't want it. I don't want the responsibility of it. I don't want to be tied to another baby and I wish so much that she wasn't throwing her life away and maybe ruining his. A baby is forever and at her age she has no concept of what that means.

have you seen the fiance since the wedding announcement?

how have you left the house thing? that the rent is paid until the end of december and then she will be required to move into the marital home

he needs to be confirming the wedding details and applying for married quarters if that is their plan. and he needs to be doing it yesterday.

the cogs that are military housing can turn slooooooowly. if he is in his last couple of months wherever he's at, then they will need to be applying for a quarter at his new posting location.

please tell me he isn't still in training? they need to get this sorted out (if indeed it's happening) so that she can settle in prior to his deployment.

or she'll be back on your doorstep begging forgiveness and wanting a divorce, and he'll end up having to be flown back from afghan because his wife's a welfare case. you might not want to mention that possibility to her though

i'm assuming my original assumption as to his location was well wide of the mark?

you're doing v well. so hard. are his folks taking it well, or are they completely baffled as to how mr normal has gone from having a new gf at a vair respectable place to being about to become a dad/ not about to become a dad/ gf having some sort of breakdown/ shotgun but not shotgun marriage in the space of 6 mos? how is he taking it? this can't be what he envisaged, either. or are they claiming they are so in lurve it has to be like this?

He's down south, soon to be posted up north.

Yes he's a trainee. I know he has spoken to his CO or whatever it's called. Have no other info and no idea how it works. Have not seen the boy since October.

"or she'll be back on your doorstep begging forgiveness and wanting a divorce, and he'll end up having to be flown back from afghan because his wife's a welfare case. you might not want to mention that possibility to her though "

sigh, sigh and more sigh(s)

Wow. Have just read the thread. Good grief, I cannot imagine having even one quarter of the strength you have here. I think I remember your last thread about the druggie ex-bf. You really have been dragged through it.

I wish you were my mother! Tell your dd I'll swap my mum for you, they'd suit one another perfectly.

Married quarters are not the best. We managed 3 months, moved out and bought our own place. They don't need permission to marry anymore, but if your dd is expecting a palace she's not going to get one. It will be a small 2 bedroom flat, with a kitchen and bathroom fitted in the 1980's and poor heating. I'm not trying to scare you, just tell you our experience. I very quickly snapped out of the romantic idea that forces housing was cheap and nice, so we'd have plenty of money to spare. Look at the ladies on the forces sweethearts' boards; there are constant threads talking about the state of accommodation.

My heart is breaking for you. For what it's worth, I think you're taking the right path with your dd1, but that is cold comfort I know.

you don't need permission to marry, but a lot of oc's still expect it as a courtesy. and if he's still in training, he doesn't want to be rocking the boat. given that this scenario may well affect his operational effectiveness (in terms of highly strung fiancee with some baggage and a tendency towards phantom pgs), i think it would be wise for him to be letting work know of the impending happy event.

depending what stage he's at in training, he's probably not allowed to live out anyway.

Just hang on in there, eventually she will mature and grow up.

I hope you can sort things out with college.

I'm not under any illusions madwoman. And considering the lifestyle she's used to, which has been extremely privileged ( and some may read that as spoilt) she is in for a shock indeed.

Still, young love and all that. I imagine that she may get short shrift from the other wives if she tries any of this attention seeking round them.

And thanks, itsbrandybutterandtinseltime, for reading through and not just the OP and judging me on that.

Downnotout- why don't you book a holiday for the wedding week? That way your DD might get the message that you are not hanging on her every move.

Hopefully the college will be understanding and your daughter can find someone to take her room in the house. If she can't be arsed you could ask her flatmates to look for someone? If it is nice someone is bound to want it.

You're right littlestkiwi.

If I knew we didn't have these huge bills coming in January we could probably do it.

And it is a very nice house. Not your average student digs at all. She will have a shock when she gets this army accommodation.

Thanks Maryz. I have read some of your posts in the past. I think you gave me a run down on it when we were going through all the stuff back in May.

I do know that, given time, things may improve. Just because I feel this way about her, doesn't mean I will forever. I expect that somewhere along the line we will rebuild some sort of relationship, which won't be the same, it has gone too far for that, but hopefully there's enough love there on both sides for there to be something worth having.

I really admire your strength and your, always sensible, advice. It's ok people telling me how they think they would react in my situation, but I know you have been through worse and therefore, I value what you have to say.

I just think that hopefully if you get a variety of viewpoints from us all on here you can find the right path for you and your DD in all of this

I wish you all well.

Downnotout- I've just read and caught up. You are being a very calm mum. Your sadness comes over and I really feel for you. I am also on the side of a bit of tough love.

My adult DD's went through a stage of being vile to me. It's heart breaking. The guilt of being less than perfect made me pander and constantly search for a solution... which they used and got more vile.

It took a tough stance of 'I will always love you but I am not tolerating this behaviour' and following it through to change their behaviour.

I'd liken it exactly like a toddler tantrum - testing their parent. Toddlers need boundaries to feel loved. It's a huge mistake to pander. You're not cutting her off- you're just letting her go (which is a vital thing in all relationships)

No hard feelings juggling. As I said, you are my conscience.

Downnotout - interesting turn of events there with DD1 agreeing that DD2 could be a bridesmaid. I know your DD2 is 9 but that's not very old to be unsupervised - how is she going to get there, get home etc. around this wedding? Are you expected to drop her off and pick her up? Bit rough, isn't it?

I think you are doing the right thing - just let her go her own way and then let her take the consequences of going her own way. I do hope the college are accommodating to you - they must have realised what a conniving liar she is as well by now (really? telling them that you "couldn't afford the fees" - shocking!) and with a bit of luck they may compromise and give you half the fees back for next term, if not the whole lot (which, to be fair, I doubt they will).

Hope things settle down a bit now and there aren't any more dramas before Christmas - although sadly I doubt it.

Thanks downnotout What a nice thing to say

< Hops away cheerily like Jiminy Cricket >

When she has finished self-sabotaging in about 5-10 years' time, this will sort her out.

Hoffman course

It comes highly recommended. I was sceptical but they managed to make my DD wake up and smell the roses and she is now a fully functioning, considerate adult.

I think your daughter is a fool for throwing away the opportunity you have given to her in order to build a career for herself, how many 16-24 yr olds would love to be in her shoes right now? Minus the pregnancy obviously.

Especially considering the UK economy is up shit creek, and my feeling is that things are going to get a lot, lot worse before they get better, probably beyond most peoples comprehension (bar those who have lived through a war).

And she thinks living on her BF's military wage will go far? Fuck that, and he'll hardly be around anyway... sorry to say it but she'll be running back to mummy prob just as she always has. Sorry OP, I just think she needs her head looking at. She should talk to my cousin who is a forces wife, she moved miles away from her family into forces housing, shes so so lonely... she doesn't even have any DC to contend with yet!

Downnotout as my Mil says she always has loved DH but has at many times not liked him! To me that was Attu reflection of parenthood! Best of luck!

Down, I've read your whole thread and your going to be fine.
When I was a teenager I am ashamed to say I was vile to my lovely caring family (mother in particular) to cut a very long story short. Eventually they turned there back on me and moved 300 miles away. I was left to fend for myself. I lasted a year and it went drastically up the shitter. I found myself at there door with my tail between my legs. My mum let me make my own mistakes. I don't hold and grudge against her. I love her dearly and respect the difficult choice she made to turn my back on me. I've had counciling and along the way made great choices. Career, husband and baby on the way. My mother and father are to thank for this. I tell them often. Because they loved me enough to admit they didn't like me, and wouldn't tolerate my behaviour. I soon learnt the hard way that if your family can't tolerate you then you got no hope with anyone else. I grew up the hard way. But I did it. And I know your family will get through it to

I didn't do it. WE did it. Our family

2wwmadness, thanks for that. It seems you have joined the thread at just the right time.

I've had it today. It's the final straw for me. From having a quiet wedding and not wanting anyone there, it has turned into a complete circus. From what I can gather she is phoning round and inviting every man and his dog, plus one.

She text me to say DD2s dress was to be a certain colour to match his nieces. She's having her do in the town where we live now and has rung half the village, and these people are not her friends, just people we know,plus her old friends from school (who she said she couldn't wait to get away from and ddnt ever want to see again) and invited them too . Everyone is gossiping about it, and believe me, they are sniggering about her behind her back. And us :(

I am not comfortable about DD2 attending anymore. It seems like its going to just be a load of teenagers going along for the spectacle.

And college rang me to say she hadn't turned up for a meeting again today and they are hoping she might go in and speak to them next week!

You need to publicly make a stand. Tell her (and the people sniggering) you love her but won't tolerate this ect. Don't pay for anything to do with the wedding and cut her off. Tell fanily friends your struggling woth her behaviour and dont aprove of the wedding. I very respected "auntie" (mums friend) rang me in my youth hostal and said she lived my mum and couldn't beleive I could behave like I was to her. Broke my heart at the time that someone I liked at the time disagreed with me. Don't suffer in silence. Be honest (to a point, you know what I mean, you sound a fab lady anyways) tell her you will be therefor her when she's willing to show respect and maturity towards you and her family. Be there when she needs you eventually. But you can't be there now. She's testing you. Again. Nows the time to scare her. Let her truly see what you do for her. I had no idea and thought I knew it all.

Who's supposed to be paying for all of this? It strikes me that she is deliberately winding things up to get a reaction from someone. Does she secretly want you to put your foot down? Mind you, I would call her bluff and ignore it all.

Many years ago, my sister wanted to marry someone none of us could stand. We knew that if we said anything she would definitely have gone through with it. So, we all kept quiet. In the end, she got to two weeks from the wedding and called it all off. Not the best thing to do, but the only way we could deal with it.

Sorry that doesn't read well. I'm super tired