Teenage daughter pregnant. Disappointed, upset, angry WWYD?

[Downnotout]

My 18yo DD has told us she is pregnant. She has just started a 2 year course which would have set her up for life.

Her BF of all of 4 months is in the forces and will be going to Afghanistan next year, although he says he will stand by her. She was on the contraceptive injection but was ill a few weeks ago, had lots of anti biotics and ended up having an operation. Somehow in amongst all that she managed to get pregnant.

I feel so disappointed. For her, for him, for us as a family. It isn't good news. She is living away at college, we have signed a lease on the house. She will have to leave college and the house and we will have to continue paying til next September for it. As well as next terms fees of £4000. We have been killing ourselves to pay for all this as it was her lifelong dream to do this course/ job and now it's all for nothing.

I think she has rose tinted glasses on about life with a pretty house and a cute baby gurgling away in the background. Join me here in shaking your heads and thinking about the reality of being alone with a baby, not having slept for weeks, your partner away at war and having to spend your last ten quid on a packet of pampers.

There is no way we can have her back living with us at home. Call me selfish, but I have brought three children up. My youngest is still only 9. Somewhere along the line me and DH were starting to think about having a bit more time to ourselves.

Yes she's 18, an adult. Old enough to make her own decisions. But I am filled with dread about it all. I am only too aware of the pitfalls, what might go wrong, if they split up etc. and I know she will need me to be there for her, to support her. But I just don't want it. I don't want the responsibility of it. I don't want to be tied to another baby and I wish so much that she wasn't throwing her life away and maybe ruining his. A baby is forever and at her age she has no concept of what that means.

I outlined, briefly, what we could do to help and support her if she decided to change her mind about college or the wedding.

Then I said she knows my views so I won't go on about it anymore but did she really want to look back on a wedding that was tinged with sadness and regret?

Busybusybust you have outlined exactly what has gone on in a few lines. Thank you. My OP makes no sense whatsoever anymore does it?

Purplecupcake- thanks for taking the time to read through what is undoubtedly a very confusing and LONG story.

I found out from college she has been in and told them we couldn't afford to keep her there anymore. They rang me to talk about financial assistance. I put them straight on that one. she was supposed to go in yesterday to say she was staying or officially resign from the course. She didn't turn up.

Realhousewife- all this we're forcing her into doing what we want etcetc. And the bond between parents and daughter being broken because we're both so stubborn. I can't quite agree with you, seeing as this is the second time she has done this, she walked out on her a- level course too and ran off with a boy and threatened to get pregnant only six months ago.

She soon got fed up with having no money, ditched him and begged us to still send her to college- she was so sorry, would never be that stupid again. Six months later here we are again.

Would you really be so reasonable if she had left you with £8000 debts to pay too?

Will she need to officially resign from the course before you get any refund? That's probably not uppermost in your mind right now and obviously not in hers either -- but I think you should call the financial office and find out what can be done here. Clearly she thinks she can just walk away from it all (a mark of extreme immaturity but you don't need me to tell you that). But see what you can do about getting a refund, even partial.

If you get any money back, spend it on a little break for you and your DH.

i'll eat my hat if they get married.

downnotout, have been following, not posting, but thinking of you.

scary is absolutely right - dd is going to find herself in a world of pain if somehow in that head she thinks marrying a bloke in the army is the answer to life, the universe, and everything.

and how on earth is she going to cope in the middle of nowhere, in a crap house, with no friends, (and everyone knowing your business) when he's away on ops?

i don't think it'll come to it though. i think if you back right off, she (or he, to be frank, who i actually feel quite sorry for) will come to her senses.

i suspect strongly there is no way on this sweet earth that college will have her back, now, though. so whatever the outcome, she's pretty much cooked her own goose in that regard. poor wee lassie. she just doesn't know which way is up, but she's got to work it out for herself.

She has text me and asked if DD1 can be bridesmaid. I said I won't stand in the way of that. I am not going to store up any more problems for the future by having DD1 say"and you didn't even let me go to my own sisters wedding!"

has he written a letter requesting permission to get married to his OC?

She seems to be hell-bent on doing precisely what you DON'T want her to - doing as little as possible is clearly the best option. I do think that your reactions to her choices are making her dig her heels in even more. It seems to be almost an attention-seeking exercise - and you are rising to the bait every time.

I hope one day you will be able to look back at all this and laugh, or at least roll your eyes.

So the wedding is for real then?

Madwoman, this girl has a lot of growing up to do and that's for sure, but you are right, she is the only one who can do it. Some people seem to have to learn things the hardest way possible and there is no way you can save them from that.

The invitation to her sister seems to be a childish way of reinforcing the notion that you are persona non grata here. I would let the sister go, ask her to take photos, and say nothing.

I thought she didn't want ANY family there? I read that to mean 'a quiet wedding to give us the option of changing our minds'. Inviting your little sister means you are definitely going through with it.

Of course she has changed her mind about her sister being there. What is the point of making a grand, dramatic gesture if there is nobody there to see you being a complete drama queen getting married.

The invite to her sister is, of course, spitefully intended to cause her mother more pain. OP, I admire you for letting DD1 go. I'm not sure I would want to be that generous about it. Just wait for the text asking you to pay for a bridesmaid's dress now though! I bet it'll come.

Book something for you and your DH to do the day of the wedding so that you are not sitting at home. Go and treat yourselves.

It is very often (not to say always) the case that a student needs to officially (in writing) withdraw from their course, else they stay on the books. What arrangements are you tied into about payments to the college? If it's all in her name but you've been supplying the money, then you're probably OK. But I would be cancelling any standing orders / direct debits you have set up, or cheques you've written, as otherwise, until she formally withdraws, those payments will still go out.

Just wanted to post here and express my respect for the OP, I have been following this from the start and read the previous thread.....how you have managed to stay sane in all of this is anyones guess XX

I was with you right at the start, my oldest is 20 next year and at Uni, if she fell pregnant I'd be totally gutted.

Let her get on with it now.. she knows you love her, by the fact you have taken so much crap thrown at you this year and are still speaking to her. I admire you very much.

We have signed an agreement so say we are responsible for the fees. It states that withdrawal from the course must be given with 1 terms notice, or 1 terms fees paid in lieu of notice. Ie she withdraws now, we are obliged to pay next terms fees.

I am hoping they might be sympathetic under the circumstances but it is a legal document and they would be perfectly within their rights to demand payment. It's at their

Discretion.

Thank you TheLastNameLeft.

That is much appreciated. ( though I don't know about the staying sane bit- but I am clinging on in there)

Just a quick note to let you know I'm still around OP and am glad you're still talking to your DD and letting her know that despite everything you do love her.

Very sorry to learn that she's not invited you or many family to the wedding, but pleased to hear she'd like her little sis to be a bridesmaid. I think that's quite sweet actually and perhaps if seen in the right light and responded to by you in a very generous way could be a bit of an olive branch between you and DD1 ?

Best of luck as this unrolls further ....

I hope that, like you, it would take more than even all this to drive a stake between me and my DD. ( If that's the right expression ?! )

Oh and I do think I'd have to say that I would like to be able to go to the wedding - or at least some part of the day.

How did this not being invited thing all develop ? - may have to go back and read bits of thread I may have missed

Juggling I believe (open to corrections here) that Downbutnotout's DD had said that she and her fiance did not want any family members at the wedding. This has now shifted to wanting her sister to be a bridesmaid but the request that other family members stay away has not been withdrawn.

I see the bridesmaid invitation more cynically than you, but I hope I'm wrong and it can be used to mend some fences. Above all I think Downbutnotout is right to respond calmly and agreeably to it.

I think I'd say, sure it would be great to ask DD2 to be a bridesmaid but I'll need to come with her to make sure she's OK throughout the day. Would you like us to get her a little bridesmaid dress, what colours were you thinking of ?

Juggling you are like a conscience pricking at my shoulder.

It is no olive branch from her. It was me that suggested that while I understood her reasons for not wanting us there that she should not take it out on her sister and if she could find it in her heart to include her, then I would be ok with that.

I know you can not imagine that there would ever come a time that you would not feel that unconditional, adoring love for your child. You know, neither could I. But events over the last year have stretched that love to its very limit. And like any destructive relationship, be it parent/child, child/ parent, husband/wife there comes a point that it either destroys you or you become so hardened by it that you just stop caring.

No doubt you think I should also suggest that there's this little florist I know who would be delighted to supply some flowers and while we're at it why not order champagne all round? In fact, lets forget about all this and put it all behind us. After all what's a few lies, debts and emotional blackmail between family?

Have not stopped caring by the way. I still love her but I don't love who she is at the moment.