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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenage daughter pregnant. Disappointed, upset, angry WWYD?

625 replies

Downnotout · 18/11/2011 13:57

My 18yo DD has told us she is pregnant. She has just started a 2 year course which would have set her up for life.

Her BF of all of 4 months is in the forces and will be going to Afghanistan next year, although he says he will stand by her. She was on the contraceptive injection but was ill a few weeks ago, had lots of anti biotics and ended up having an operation. Somehow in amongst all that she managed to get pregnant.

I feel so disappointed. For her, for him, for us as a family. It isn't good news. She is living away at college, we have signed a lease on the house. She will have to leave college and the house and we will have to continue paying til next September for it. As well as next terms fees of £4000. We have been killing ourselves to pay for all this as it was her lifelong dream to do this course/ job and now it's all for nothing.

I think she has rose tinted glasses on about life with a pretty house and a cute baby gurgling away in the background. Join me here in shaking your heads and thinking about the reality of being alone with a baby, not having slept for weeks, your partner away at war and having to spend your last ten quid on a packet of pampers.

There is no way we can have her back living with us at home. Call me selfish, but I have brought three children up. My youngest is still only 9. Somewhere along the line me and DH were starting to think about having a bit more time to ourselves.

Yes she's 18, an adult. Old enough to make her own decisions. But I am filled with dread about it all. I am only too aware of the pitfalls, what might go wrong, if they split up etc. and I know she will need me to be there for her, to support her. But I just don't want it. I don't want the responsibility of it. I don't want to be tied to another baby and I wish so much that she wasn't throwing her life away and maybe ruining his. A baby is forever and at her age she has no concept of what that means.

OP posts:
Original poster
Downnotout · 26/11/2011 13:32

Yes I spoke to his mum. She told me that they don't want anyone there so it's not just us.

OP posts:
Maryz · 26/11/2011 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgathaCrusty · 26/11/2011 14:29

Has she said why she doesn't want anyone there?

TheOriginalFAB · 26/11/2011 15:02

Aren't banns publicy displayed so you can check via them if they really are getting married. Why are they getting married??

EightiesChick · 26/11/2011 22:04

I'm also sceptical about whether this is really happening at all. They can't be getting married in a church in 3 weeks as it'd take that long to call the banns. And for a register office, notice has to be publicly displayed, I believe (that's how the papers found out Paul McCartney was marrying again) so that would be checkable provided you know/ can guess which one it is.

I would say absolutely nothing to your DD2. You can always explain it later as one of her older sister's impulsive decisions. If it happens.

EightiesChick · 26/11/2011 22:06

Agree with maryz on stepping back. I would rehearse some lines about 'It's your life, we're going to let you make your own choices' and stick to those if you have to speak to her about it at all. But best avoided I think.

Xmasbaby11 · 26/11/2011 22:13

I'm not surprised you are disappointed. I would be too. An unplanned pregnancy is careless and at 18 she is old enough to know how to avoid it.

However, you must hold back from judging her and don't try to influence her decisions as regards keeping the baby, her education. It is her decision what to prioritise at this point in her life. I hope you can still support her, love her and maintain a good relationship, as she will need her mother.

busybusybust · 28/11/2011 13:06

Oh, keep up, Xmas Baby!!!!

Thumbwitch · 28/11/2011 13:10

It's always a good idea to read the last few posts as well as the opening post - just in case things have moved on by several miles or derailed or whatever...

scaryteacher · 28/11/2011 14:01

'If this is all about her following him to wherever he is being posted,', then God help her next year when he is in Afghanistan. She does realise she can't go there with him does she?

Has anyone talked to her about what being a Forces wife is like? She won't be able to see him when she wants; he will not be there for important things (like giving birth) if the Service requires him to be elsewhere. She won't be able to phone him when she wants and will have to get used to irregular hours, postings at short notice (oh, it's noisy in the Mess tonight dh, well, actually I'm at Heathrow, off on ops, don't know when I'll be home/able to speak to you again). I'm a Forces brat so knew what I was getting into, but even so, it is bloody hard at times. The Service comes first, middle and last.

Junior rates MQs aren't wonderful either, so it may not be nice, and if she has a sense of entitlement, she won't like that. Money is tight, and work has stopped on refurbs at present. Also, given that the Army have more cuts to come under SDSR, what are their contingency plans if he gets made redundant after Afghanistan next year?

I've sat here and read all the thread OP, and I'm amazed that you are still speaking to her. Has the bf got permission to marry? Do they still need this? My dh had to request this and he was 25.

Original poster
Downnotout · 28/11/2011 14:24

Haven't disappeared. Just keeping busy.

Have had confirmation that this is really happening though. Will try and report developments when I get chance later.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 28/11/2011 14:58

:( for you, Downnotout. I really hoped it was a wind-up. Still, there's always a chance he'll get cold feet and not show up...

gingeroots · 28/11/2011 16:16

Does the BF know that there's a question mark as to whether or not DD can have children ?

"from the state of my insides there's no way a baby could Survive. And there's something wrong with my ovaries"

or was this just referring to the current/temporary state of her ovaries ?
Or not reliable info ,coming as it does from DD ?

haddock1976 · 28/11/2011 17:00

I've ummmd and ahhhed about whether anything I could add anything helpful to this thread, I'll try.

Your DD sounds rather like me when I was her age. I knew best and would stop at nothing to get my own way. I was deeply unpleasant, so much so that aged 16 I was "encouraged" to leave home. The one thing that stopped me from doing anything really bloody stupid was my parent's rather clever tactic of offering their blessing and never their opinion. They have never passed judgement on anything I've chosen to do and their door always remained open no matter what I did.

Years on I own my own business, I'm happily married and expecting their first GC. My mother and I will never be best friends and to be blunt she isn't my greatest fan due to my behaviour in my teenage years but thanks to her and my father, I turned out okay in the end.

Scary has said everything that I was going to ref life married to the green machine, I'm a pad brat and then married a chap in the RN so like her, I knew what I was getting into and it is not the life for someone as immature as your daughter is now (she will mature emotionally in her mid twenties) but no amount of telling her will make any difference so don't, you'll make things worse.

As hard as this is going to be, stop making her and her behaviour the centre of your life, she'll get off on it. Stop showing any interest in what she does, cut off all financial support and help her pack her bags calmly. Tell your daughter that you love her, that she has your blessing and that your door is always open to her.

Good luck.

lazymumofteenagesons · 28/11/2011 19:06

As hard as this is going to be, stop making her and her behaviour the centre of your life, she'll get off on it. Stop showing any interest in what she does, cut off all financial support and help her pack her bags calmly. Tell your daughter that you love her, that she has your blessing and that your door is always open to her.

That's the best advice I've seen on this thread and what I am trying to do in a different situation at the moment.
The most difficult part is separating the caring aspect of parenthood with the ability to control their behaviour when you can see how self destructive it is.

Original poster
Downnotout · 28/11/2011 20:05

Haddock1976 thank you for your comments. It is basically what we have decided to do.

I outlined, briefly, what we could do to help and support her if she decided to change her mind about college or the wedding. Just to say, really, that she still had options and that door isn't closed to her yet. Mainly so she doesn't feel so backed into a corner that there's no way out.

Then I said she knows my views so I won't go on about it anymore but did she really want to look back on a wedding that was tinged with sadness and regret? I said I hoped that one day she would forgive me but that I couldn't agree with the way she has gone about things and that I hoped that she and BF would prove us wrong and be happy, because that is all we have ever wanted for her.Then I said the rest is up to her.

And I'm going to leave it at that. This was all on a private FB message because she refused to answer the phone.

OP posts:
Maryz · 28/11/2011 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cassann46 · 28/11/2011 23:33

Hi i feel i have to reply to your message about your daughter who is now pregnant as i too was shocked disappointed and angry when my 17 yr old duaghter announced she was pregnant, our daughter was in year 12 and like you i thought how will she complete her educaiton, the baby was due in July 2010 so luckily she finished year 12, took one year out and has now gone back to college to completre her a levels, this may not be available for your daughter but my daughter as she went to college before she was 19 yrs gets care to learn which covers all her childcare, she also gets income support and child benefit and chid tax credits, she is at home with us but she and her baby are self sufficient, she buys all her own clothes and all the baby things, i only buy things if i want to and beleive me when you see your grandchild you willwant to spoil her, please dont dispair that her life and educaition is over, my daughter has just applied for uni next year and yes will have to live at home (perhaps we are lucky as we have room) but again she gets help with childcare plus benefits so it is not always as bad as you think,. Having a bay young has given our daughter the extra motivation she needed to succeed academically in these tough times, i am proud of her as a mum she is doing a great job and i think your daughter may suprise you, Plus grandchildren really are special, trust me , they are soo much more fun and less of a chore than your own. I feel privileged to have such a very special part of my grandaughters life. I hope this helps a bit,in time the anger will pass and the shock - the midwife told my daughter anyone that says they have never had unprotected sex is a liar, and she is right, my mum used to say there are worse things than having babies and she was right, take care

realhousewife · 29/11/2011 00:58

What a lovely post from cassann. Smile

stella1w · 29/11/2011 01:19

What do you mean it's not a normal college? and specific training? and thousands of applicants? Even Oxbridge can handle pregnant students..

Her life is not ruined. She can focus on the baby for the next few years and then begin training/further education. She will grow up with her baby and get to spend a long, long time with her son/daughter and eventually their children. As someone who waited until late thirties to have children, I wish I had more of a future to share with them and my career was still hit by becoming a mother..

Thumbwitch · 29/11/2011 01:44

The OP's daughter is not pregnant - it's doubtful she ever was. She has decided to drop out of college and get married in 3w time instead. THis really is a thread where only reading and answering the OP is not remotely helpful.

realhousewife · 29/11/2011 10:03

This thread is about a daughter that seems desperate to separate from her parents, self-sabotaging in the process to get away and drive a wedge between them which is where the mother's pain lies. Parents are refusing to support daughter financially or emotionally unless she does what they want (to not get married and to go back to college).

I think it's very frustrating and sad as the bond between parents and daughter is breaking because both parties are being as stubborn as each other.

Daughter had had surgery which meant pregnancy was difficult to detect and there may have been an error.

Maryz · 29/11/2011 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

busybusybust · 29/11/2011 12:40

Realhousewife - that really isn't the way it is!

Daughter absolutely always has known that her parents would support her during full-time education - but not beyond (just as I told mine!)

Daughter has apparently decided that she doesn't like her (very expensive) college course afterall. So she claimed to be pregnant, by a (very nice) squaddie who she has only known for a couple of months. But then she isn't pregnant.

They have decided to get married. Mum has said 'OK, but do think carefully, and we still love you'.

Daughter and bf have arranged marriage for before Christmas (but possibly another lie?), but does not want either family there.

Basically, this girl has a lot of growning up to do! (And, as always, Mum can only stand by and watch!)

Methinks daughter has been a little spoiled!

purplecupcake · 29/11/2011 13:25

This must be one of the most interesting threads i have read on here, well everyone is sitting down to coronation street.. im sat here catching up with downnotouts life, have you ever thought of writing a book lol .. think i have laughed (the mince) and cried while reading it.

i cant offer any advice, but my heart goes out to you and wish you all the happiness in the world.. your one strong mum who deserves it :)