Teenage daughter pregnant. Disappointed, upset, angry WWYD?

[Downnotout]

My 18yo DD has told us she is pregnant. She has just started a 2 year course which would have set her up for life.

Her BF of all of 4 months is in the forces and will be going to Afghanistan next year, although he says he will stand by her. She was on the contraceptive injection but was ill a few weeks ago, had lots of anti biotics and ended up having an operation. Somehow in amongst all that she managed to get pregnant.

I feel so disappointed. For her, for him, for us as a family. It isn't good news. She is living away at college, we have signed a lease on the house. She will have to leave college and the house and we will have to continue paying til next September for it. As well as next terms fees of £4000. We have been killing ourselves to pay for all this as it was her lifelong dream to do this course/ job and now it's all for nothing.

I think she has rose tinted glasses on about life with a pretty house and a cute baby gurgling away in the background. Join me here in shaking your heads and thinking about the reality of being alone with a baby, not having slept for weeks, your partner away at war and having to spend your last ten quid on a packet of pampers.

There is no way we can have her back living with us at home. Call me selfish, but I have brought three children up. My youngest is still only 9. Somewhere along the line me and DH were starting to think about having a bit more time to ourselves.

Yes she's 18, an adult. Old enough to make her own decisions. But I am filled with dread about it all. I am only too aware of the pitfalls, what might go wrong, if they split up etc. and I know she will need me to be there for her, to support her. But I just don't want it. I don't want the responsibility of it. I don't want to be tied to another baby and I wish so much that she wasn't throwing her life away and maybe ruining his. A baby is forever and at her age she has no concept of what that means.

I'm not wanting to object about the wedding. It's her life and she must live it.

It's just the way she's gone about it all. Dragging us through all this pregnancy business. If she wanted to leave college so badly we would have listened. But it isn't about that and it's no good pretending it is. It's about them not being able to see each other. No one can tell me that's an ideal situation or that this is a mature, well thought out plan for the future.

I can't pretend to know how to handle it and, once again, I am grateful for your (thoughtful) thoughts.

I only buy lean steak mince myself. From the farm shop.

This happened to my cousin at a very young age. It seems like the end of the world but it isn't (so says my Aunt)
It is one of my worst fears and my dd is only 5.

I don't think you are being selfish OP but there are ways for you to still play a supporting role, ie: be a mother to your dd without becoming the child's mother aswell (if that makes any sense).

You can be there for her without carrying her and making all the decisions.. taking on all the stress.
Rosetinted glasses won't do though, your dd needs to stand up on her own two feet, does she realise she needs to do this or is she expecting you to figure it all out for her?
If she is still with her bf then I would say, before he is posted overseas, they have some big decisions to make.

Downnotout - I realised that you wouldn't want to object, but it could be a useful tool to let you check if there is really an imminent wedding planned.

It's just that there have been so many switches and shifts in your DD's story, it may be useful to be able to check at least some of what they are telling you.

been following thread no real advice that not been said but want to wish you luck. Oh and i only buy storm mince

what is storm mince??

One of the bonuses of living in Australia is that we get kangaroo mince. It's cheap, it's low in saturated fat, it's naturally lean and it's pretty good! It's a little stronger than beef, slightly peppery taste to it, but it makes a good mince for most dishes, especially swagman's pie (as we have christened it).

I know that you don't need 8w notice prior to a wedding - because I organised mine in 7w flat. And DH was out of the country for the first 3w of that. I think there is a minimum - no hang on, he had to have been back in the country for a minimum of a week before we could visit the registrar, so we saw the reg possibly 3w before the wedding.

If they do go ahead and get married, are they expecting you to pay for it, Downnotout? Will you?

storm is what mince you get when you have predictive text on and try to type quorn!

PMSL!! I thought it might be a special type, where the cow had been struck by lightning or something!

Downnotout, yikes, you have been through the wars and back with this DD of yours. I read your previous thread a few months ago and I think cutting her off is about the only option you have. One thing is certain, she never had the interest in the course of her dreams that you thought she did and has had a one way ticket to self destruction for a good while now. I hope she will get the help she very clearly needs, but you probably can't make her see that or want that. All you can do is what you are doing, and you (and your DH) are very brave to stop the money.

What does she want her passport for? Honeymoon?

At the very least, you can be thankful that she won't be dragging a baby into her life any time soon (Fingers Xed anyhow).

Don't beat yourself up about any of it and try to forgive yourself for your own shortcomings when you were first a mother. You have made an amazing recovery from a horrendous childhood.

You and your DH should plan something nice for yourselves to enjoy, try to get your minds off the whole business. xx

Last time I bbq-ed burgers it tasted just like cow struck by lightning

Who does she think is going to pay for her wedding?

Think mince is £5 for 2 packs in Tesco or part of that 3 for £10/4 for £12 offer but not the nicest or leanest.

Special storm mince sounds like something the Japanese could start cultivating, and sell for stupid amounts of money. It comes pre-barbecued.

I'd assume that they're not planning a big wedding, given the timescales and improbability of them funding anything more than a trip to the registry office and a McDonald's afterwards. If they're lucky, they'll get mcflurries and everything. In which case, might I suggest that you invest in a nice tracksuit and cap to be dressed appropriately as the mother of the bride.

When she had the recent scan and DD told you that they'd said something about not being able to carry a child ( and that there was also a problem with her ovaries ) was the understanding that this was temporary ,ie couldn't carry a child at the moment ,or permanent ?
Just thinking,that if the latter ,bf needs to know ?

This is such a rollercoaster of dramatic events , even your mum walking through the snow to try and end your life ,it's hard to take in .

How are you managing ?
What does DH say ?

It is so hard to see a young woman with potential just throw it all away like this. OP I think you are being very very brave. Let me tell you about my sister.

My sister was was.. ehem... lets say a free spirit. She is clever and had potential but decided to get married really young (also to someone in the army).
Roll on 25 years, she now tells us that she WISHES my parents would have handcuffed her to the bed or something instead of allowing her to ruin her chances. My mother obviously knows she did all she could, there is no stopping someone like this. BTW out of 5 children she was the only one not go to university and wait until settling down, so nothing to so with parenting really.

My sister did eventually manage to get qualifications and is highly successful in her job (in fact she is now the main earner of the family), but she married the wrong man, is unhappy with the way her life turned out, she could have been much better off.

DD2 is sleeping out tonight so DH and I are going to have a proper talk about how we proceed with things without little ears listening in.

DH is struggling. I've never seen him like this. He is exhausted with it all. I do have to keep his more extreme reactions (than mine) in check but he we are ok and he is being supportive.

But we all have to make our own path in life timeto

Maybe the course wasn't for her after all. I understand people feeling that it's often best to see things through, but sometimes that isn't possible. Sometimes we realise a path we've taken isn't the right one after all and we decide to go a different way. I just feel that life is a bit of an adventure, and it doesn't always go smoothly or to plan.

I guess when our DCs are adults we have to let them make their own decisions and follow their own path. I'm sure I'll find that very difficult too

I'm off to buy some mince.

Tesco frozen healthy living mince is £2.79 for 500g OP. ANd alsi aberdeen angus is £1.99 for 500g.

Im sorry for your problems OP. I dont know what i would if i were you. STay strong

Downnotout , I'm sorry to here that your dh isn't coping well with all this.
I think you both need to get away from all this.
I second earlier posters suggestion that you should plan something nice for yourselves...perhaps a holiday ?.

You deserve a treat after all the stress you've had recently.

Downnotout you need a big gold medal! But I don't know how to do that so you can have these instead!
I think you are right she has to hit rock bottom before she can see how unreasonable she is and how demanding. I know being a parent was never meant to be easy but Phew! Good luck with the mince :)

I highly recommend lean mince of Angus beef from Alberta... but that's just my preference.
PMSL at burgers tasting like the cow was hit by lightning :o

Downnotout, you sound like you could do with a (((HUG))).

How did your talk with your DH go?

I really feel for you, there doesn't seem to be any way to respond appropriately to her behaviour.

Keep the doors open to them as a couple in case either one of them ends up being EA to the other

Well it's all arranged for three weeks time. They don't want anyone to be there. (our family or his) which is probably a blessing because I just don't think I could paint a smile on my face after all this. Sorry that's just how I feel.

Any words of wisdom about how I explain all this to DD2 about how her sister is getting married and how even she, is not included in any part of it?

God love us, she never lets up, does she.

I assume your DD2 has some kind of inkling of the type of selfish mare her older sister is? TBH, I wouldn't explain anything at all until it actually happens. And if no one is to be there, is that just another part of the scam? Is it ACTUALLY going to happen, or is it going to be like the baby, not real?

Have you spoken to his mum again - because I'd definitely check that she is also being excluded - your darling daughter could just be lying to you again, and while you don't feel like going and pretending to be smiley smiley, how much worse would it feel to know that you aren't invited but his family are?

My cousin did go off and get married with no family there - she and her best mate and their respective blokes all hived off to Scarborough for the weekend, got married and were each others' witnesses. Came back and told people. My aunt wasn't best impressed but was reconciled because it hadn't cost her anything (money was a big factor in my aunt's life). Sometimes people just don't want family or fuss or anything - but in your DD's case, I just think it's all way too fishy.