Teenage daughter pregnant. Disappointed, upset, angry WWYD?

[Downnotout]

My 18yo DD has told us she is pregnant. She has just started a 2 year course which would have set her up for life.

Her BF of all of 4 months is in the forces and will be going to Afghanistan next year, although he says he will stand by her. She was on the contraceptive injection but was ill a few weeks ago, had lots of anti biotics and ended up having an operation. Somehow in amongst all that she managed to get pregnant.

I feel so disappointed. For her, for him, for us as a family. It isn't good news. She is living away at college, we have signed a lease on the house. She will have to leave college and the house and we will have to continue paying til next September for it. As well as next terms fees of £4000. We have been killing ourselves to pay for all this as it was her lifelong dream to do this course/ job and now it's all for nothing.

I think she has rose tinted glasses on about life with a pretty house and a cute baby gurgling away in the background. Join me here in shaking your heads and thinking about the reality of being alone with a baby, not having slept for weeks, your partner away at war and having to spend your last ten quid on a packet of pampers.

There is no way we can have her back living with us at home. Call me selfish, but I have brought three children up. My youngest is still only 9. Somewhere along the line me and DH were starting to think about having a bit more time to ourselves.

Yes she's 18, an adult. Old enough to make her own decisions. But I am filled with dread about it all. I am only too aware of the pitfalls, what might go wrong, if they split up etc. and I know she will need me to be there for her, to support her. But I just don't want it. I don't want the responsibility of it. I don't want to be tied to another baby and I wish so much that she wasn't throwing her life away and maybe ruining his. A baby is forever and at her age she has no concept of what that means.

OP: it does sound like a very fraught situation.

Having read through your posts, I wonder if maybe your daughter isn't really coping at her college and is trying to find a way to escape (without having to admit 'defeat'). You've said that a pregnancy would absolutely mean that she couldn't continue, and also that she ran away during her A-Levels. She may well not be coping with the pressure and this is her (not entirely useful) way of dealing with that.

College is " not what she expected"

Have told BF mum my suspicions but stressed that I only suspected there was no baby and she said she suspected the same because it all seemed a bit too convenient.

Don't know what to think of BF anymore after the FB stuff. Was he in on it all along? Or is he just caught up in it. Have given up trying to work it out.

Chipping in- there were too many questions there and I've forgotten what they were. Brain= dead.

Is there a saying- marry in haste- resent at leisure? No that's wrong, but there should be.

DD must now sink or swim. Yes to all of you who feel sorry for her, she has lots of issues and low self esteem. I feel sorry for her even now, she needs help. But I am not helping by throwing money at her and letting her get away with manipulative behaviour and thinking she can do anything she likes and we will still be there. If anything I have made it worse. And she has to get to the point where she wants help, not just because she wants money to go to a party on Friday night (another gem I have gleaned from FB today).

So as per my OP Disappointed, upset, angry.

You may be doing exactly the right thing for her. Sometimes, young adults really need to be forced to look after themselves and take responsibility for their lives.

I was pregnant with DS1 at 18 and it was a Very Good Thing for me. I went back to uni after he was born and my grades improved dramatically. I went from scraping Ds and putting no effort in to As and eventually graduated top of my class. The difference between my first year results and later years on my transcript is just amazing. Having DS1 gave me a reason to do well which stopped me just messing around. It really turned my life around and I'm now in a great position.

On the other hand, my sister failed/dropped out of no less than 6 different university/college courses. She worked various jobs in between but never stuck at anything. Mostly she lived like a parasite off my mum and stepdad, generally acting like a 14 year old, until she got married this year (aged 29). She now plans to live the same way off her poor husband. She would have been much, much better off if my mum had forced her to take responsibility for herself years and years ago.

So, no, I don't think you're a heartless bitch or anything. I think you know your own daughter and you do want the best for her in the long term (which often means not what she wants in the short term).

Downnotout - so sorry to hear of the latest development. Agree entirely that you have to give her "tough love" now, whatever that means in the long run. My MIL is living with the results of her lack of tough love on her elder son - he is now 37 and she has just had to have a restraining order placed on him because of his violent abusive behaviour when he drinks. For years she has facilitated him, given him money and shelter whenever he fancied it and this is the result - a 37 yo with the attitude and tantrums of a 3yo.

I do hope the BF decides that he's too young to get married at the moment. And the saying "Marry in haste, Repent at leisure" - so true in so many cases (not all).

Have a sneaky (((hug))) cos I think you might just be in need of one.

My BIL is also a useless, lazy slug still living at home age 36 for not being shown any tough love when he needed it.

I will not allow her to be a parasite.

I will not facilitate her.

I will show tough love. For now

Sounds like my new mantra. Xx

Mantras can be good to get you through things. Keep posting here - we'd all like to help you get through this.

Downnotout I'm sorry it's all come to this. I did think I was right earlier about her self-sabotaging - as with her now saying college 'isn't what she expected'. It does seem that she has been looking for a way out of her college course. Probably a relief that she is not pregnant for everyone, even though it is shocking to find out that she has been manipulating you all.

I would take her at her word and tell her you are going to pull the plug on college payments, and the accommodation there right away, and see what can be financially salvaged before you lose any more. I would also tell her re the mobile phone that the current/imminent payment you make will be the last. Let her know you mean business. She needs to understand that you can give support but you cannot manage her life for her at her convenience.

If this is university level, has she considered trying to transfer to another course? The main reason I say this is because of the extra financial obligations there will be for students starting next year. Many students this year are clinging on to courses they are lukewarm about for that reason, and hoping to transfer if and when allowed to a different subject.

I am so sorry.

Could you make her do a test in front of you? ie, she wees on it and then you take it to see the result?

What would be the point as she now claims to be having a miscarriage. She is supposedly having a scan this morning which will either confirm a pregnancy or not.

I spoke to his mum again last night and told her everything. And that we had been through all this earlier this year with the other boy and about the threats of trying for a baby with him. We then discovered a few other discrepancies ( lies) that the two of them had been telling us. They must think we are stupid.

Have decided that we will put her money for the week into her account on Friday and that is the last payment we will make. She must take responsibility for herself now.

Still

Well even if she were miscarrying there would still be bHCG in her system which would show up. It would be a confirmation of a pregnancy if it were there. If it's not then it's possible the levels have dropped too low to be detectable any more.

So :( for you

my daughter gave birth at 17,she too had to leave college,due to health and safety issues,she lives with us,she now has a beautiful handful who is 10 months old.She is now back at college,and i have the baby two mornings while she is at college,her days work out around the baby and thats all well.

I too have other children and my youngest was 12,and i thought my baby days were over,but he has brought so much to our family and is loved to bits by everyone,and it isnt the end of the world,you can get your life back on track.

how is your DH feeling about all this, Downnotout? Am very sad for you both, your DD does seem to be a very selfish and manipulative person, whatever the background reasons may be.

Your DD could do with some counselling, but she needs to want to go herself, which she probably won't at the moment. I do hope that she gets her head straight soon though - and in many ways I hope that her BF doesn't get sucked in any further than he already is. I would imagine she's not exactly honest with him either. :(

Lilmamma. You are obviously commenting on my OP and things have moved on quite a bit from them.

There is counselling available for her, from college and her doctor who said he will offer it to her. But you're right, she must want it herself.

lilmamma there is no baby

downnotout I am so sorry that it has come to this. You are right to be hard on your DD IMO - Yes she may have issues and need counselling but by accepting the lies and manipulation you would be perpetuating her behaviour which is something I have seen first hand.

College is not what any of us expect - its a means to an end and is not an excuse for what she has done to you.

It will be hard and will break your heart but you need to be strong for her so that she has a chance to change.

Good luck x

downnotout {hug}
God as parents we try to do our best but sometimes along comes a child that it is never enough. I think tough love is the only option.

agree with blood test, I went in with terrible beeding, clots and cramps, admittedto gynaeward. Had preg hormone in blood at low levels but had mced.

odd behavious to go to cinema - would be worried about bleeding all over seats even with huge pads!

Giraffes, tbh I doubt she's MCing at all - I think the whole thing was a put-up job to get her out of the college course that she's now decided isn't for her after all. :(

DD is not pregnant.

She is being referred because from the state of her insides there is no chance of carrying a baby. Also something wrong with her ovaries.

Oh dear - sounds like bad news :(
Sorry OP, I've been reading this thread with interest but couldn't comment as I don't have any helpful advice.
Just wanted to show my support. You're such a great mum, for me this goes to show again how strong a mum's instincs are.
{hug}

Oh I'm sorry to hear that OP - love to you both. Gosh this thread has been a roller coaster hasn't it ? It must be really hard to get your head round all the changing developments.

Oh Downnotout Is your DH supporting you through this?

My first instinct on your other thread was to ask what makes her think she is preg, has she done a positive preg test. And was ging to say very few antibiotics affect pill, and unsure about injection. And with surgery etc...! But I thought I just had my head in work mode and was being silly.

Sorryto hear this op, sounds a stressul time. Perhaps dd needs some counselling.

Did your DD know about her gynaecological problems before all the weird behaviour started. Maybe, alongside finding that studying was harder than she expected/not something she enjoys, she's worrying about that and it's manifested itself very weirdly in a faked pregnancy.

OP, sorry I have no answers for you, but my goodness I do feel for you.
I also have a very difficuilt DD, so I do know how they can drag you down.