Teenage daughter pregnant. Disappointed, upset, angry WWYD?

[Downnotout]

My 18yo DD has told us she is pregnant. She has just started a 2 year course which would have set her up for life.

Her BF of all of 4 months is in the forces and will be going to Afghanistan next year, although he says he will stand by her. She was on the contraceptive injection but was ill a few weeks ago, had lots of anti biotics and ended up having an operation. Somehow in amongst all that she managed to get pregnant.

I feel so disappointed. For her, for him, for us as a family. It isn't good news. She is living away at college, we have signed a lease on the house. She will have to leave college and the house and we will have to continue paying til next September for it. As well as next terms fees of £4000. We have been killing ourselves to pay for all this as it was her lifelong dream to do this course/ job and now it's all for nothing.

I think she has rose tinted glasses on about life with a pretty house and a cute baby gurgling away in the background. Join me here in shaking your heads and thinking about the reality of being alone with a baby, not having slept for weeks, your partner away at war and having to spend your last ten quid on a packet of pampers.

There is no way we can have her back living with us at home. Call me selfish, but I have brought three children up. My youngest is still only 9. Somewhere along the line me and DH were starting to think about having a bit more time to ourselves.

Yes she's 18, an adult. Old enough to make her own decisions. But I am filled with dread about it all. I am only too aware of the pitfalls, what might go wrong, if they split up etc. and I know she will need me to be there for her, to support her. But I just don't want it. I don't want the responsibility of it. I don't want to be tied to another baby and I wish so much that she wasn't throwing her life away and maybe ruining his. A baby is forever and at her age she has no concept of what that means.

She is being referred because from the state of her insides there is no chance of carrying a baby. Also something wrong with her ovaries.

No chance of carrying a baby? What on earth is wrong? Were you actually at the scan? This sounds highly suspect to me. I can see that some infertility problems could be picked up at a scan but most would require much more in-depth investigation (blood tests, laparoscopy etc etc).

haberdashery I read that as there is currently no chance because of the recent surgery but now you point it out it does seem more suspect.

Downnotout - is that what she told you about the scan? Were you able to go with her?
What a rollercoaster :(
How are you doing today?

I've played the conversation over in my head and her exact words were "from the state of my insides there's no way a baby could Survive. And there's something wrong with my ovaries"

Not what I put before sorry.

But she didn't say anything about losing or miscarrying a baby. I am dubious too how they can tell this from a scan, seeing as she has had an MMR and numerous scans in the last 12 months, the last one was just before the op 4 weeks ago, and they were all concentrated on her uterus, Fallopian tubes and ovaries as they couldn't find what was wrong with her. Surely an abnormality like that would have been picked up then, as they were looking for it?

And in surgery they went in with a camera as nothing had shown up on the scan, which is when they found the adhesions.

I wasn't there so I'm only going on what she said in a VERY brief conversation. She only rang to ask me to send her passport.

If I was speculating I would say the likeliest explanation is that her insides are not fully recovered from surgery and a foetus would not have survived that anyway so she wasn't pregnant.

God forbid it turns out that she is unable to ever have a baby. How would she explain this "pregnancy" then?

Still playing devils advocate...she may be able to fall pregnant depending on the ovary problem but it may not 'take' because of scarring to her womb from previous op. she would still have been able to get a positive test. I had a positive test with first response when I was 3 weeks 4 days with my son. I know it's all highly unbelievable and there is a high chance it is all lies, but I think if it was my daughter I would still consider that slightest chance she may not be making it up.

Fraktious, no mention of bhcg. I know she would have delighted in telling me I was wrong to accuse her of lying if they had confirmed she had miscarried.

If they went in with a camera last time then it's keyhole and I can't think that keyhole surgery would affect carrying a baby. Even with more severe scar tissue the only risks I can think of are increased chance of placenta previa or placenta accreta.

About the only time you can guarantee any woman will never carry a baby is if she's had a hysterectomy or endometrial ablation.

So it's not entirely possible she'll never fall pregnant. Sounds like if she has adhesions she might have endometriosis, but I've known women with severe endo who've carried more than one healthy child to term, and even a couple who had big fibroids.

Just a random thought. Talk to her afresh. Ask her why she is so unhappy. Lead on from there. If she says she is totally happy then ask her what is going on as something clearly is be it not wanting to be at college, wanting her boyfriend to stay with her, wanting to hurt you or any number of things.

On the positive side, if there are gynaecalogical problems at least they know what they are looking for now and maybe able to treat them. So that's good.

At least I know she's not pregnant.

She is still leaving college and going to live with, possibly marry, the BF. whatever my views are on that, I cannot stop her. But I can't support her in that. Not yet. I have had to question everything about my role as a mother and if I am good enough. Maybe I have been found wanting in that respect.

She must go her own way now. There still is no proof she was ever pregnant and had there been she would, quite rightly, have used it as a stick to beat me with. She knows she has been caught out and this time she has pushed us too far.I am not, at present, anywhere near being able to think about forgiving her. Who knows what the future will bring.

I am prepared to lose her over this because I believe that is probably the only way that she will ever take responsibility for herself. She may have to reach rock bottom to do it. If things go wrong and she needs me.... Well I will have to deal with that when/if it happens.

Downnotout - you are being very strong about all this, well done.

Just on a practical note, will the college not let you out of paying the fees and housing costs, if she leaves? Or are you committed to spending that money for absolutely nothing in return? Just as a point of interest (and probably not a route you want to go) my DH suggested that she should pay you back all the money you have outlaid on this venture that she has now decided to abandon on a whim - how do you feel about that suggestion?

Tbh honest, college have been much more supportive over all this than I thought. I misjudged them and I was wrong.

Whether they will hold us to the next terms fees I don't know. It's something we need to talk to them about. The lease on the house we probably can't get out of. Hey it's only money ( gritted teeth). Then there are all sorts of deposits we paid, bondsetc etc. can't actually think about it all. Oh and the school fees we stumped up for when she walked out on her A levels. Asking her to pay us back is a nice thought but it's never going to happen. She has no money.

True - but if you tell her you're going to ask her to pay it back, she might realise that her ride on the gravy train is finished!

Glad the college are being supportive and helpful, that's a bonus.

She doesn't have the right to "beat you" whatever you have done and wouldn't have had if she was pregnant.

I don't want to add to your worries but am concerned that she believes she can just go and live with her forces boyfriend - they don't hand out forces accommodation for young couples to shack up together on a whim. It used to known as Married Quarters, whereas have been renamed Service Family accommodation to accomodate servicemen/women with families/children even if not married. Maybe they could have got a house if she had been pregnant, but without a baby and/or a marriage certificate I cannot see them getting anything other than a civilian house. And depending what stage he is at with his training, he may not be allowed to live off base yet. I hope I am wrong (my family is RAF not army), but I would be concerned about her plans

I think if I was 18 and I was self-sabotaging (which is what she's doing here - setting herself up for failure - probably completely unaware that she's doing it), I would want my mother to get me on track mentally to be able to succeed.

Rather than look at this as a battle between you (and her father), and her - who lied/didn't lie/pays/doesnt pay, I would see it as a battle to enable your daughter to reach her potential. She needs mentoring, not punishment (however abominable her behaviour has been). Her behaviour has been self-destructive above all else. She needs to save face - you need a win/win situation where this won't become another stick to beat herself with.

I'm thinking of my siblings here - some of whom went off the rails - but looking back now, it was mainly because they were on the wrong rails to begin with. They had a sense of failure because they were pushed in a direction that didn't suit them. If they had had the blessing of my parents when they were younger, to go in the direction they chose their self confidence would not have been so knocked back and they would have been much happier as adults.

This is every parents worst nightmare - not to be able to help your child when they clearly need help, but if you can ensure she progresses to her next stage with her confidence intact, it will be enough. My Dad kicked me out of the house at 21, it was the best thing he did, hard for both of us, but there was no animosity, no guilt, no remorse, just 'it's time you moved out'.

I think you know that if you play hardball she will use this as a stick, not just to beat you with, but herself as well and the cycle will continue. My guess is that if you let her make the decision about the course, the funding and finances, she will come to the right conclusions herself. I think you need to give her plenty of notice if you are going to pull her funding and her housing at the same time - she will need to find a job and that's not easily done at the moment.

She isn't being thrown out of her house. We have to pay for it anyway so if she plans to stay there for the time being she can. The bills are covered til the middle of next months. I put some money in her account today. She is aware that's the last of it though. She's already said that she'll have a new phone sorted by tomorrow so we can cancel hers if we want.

I think that gives her chance to go and sign on or find some work and I think we have been fair about that.

I appreciate your comments, realhousewife, but I am not sure how we are able to Mentor her any more than she already has been. Over the last couple of years she has managed to alienate herself from everyone around her, brother, cousins, grandparents, people at school, I was the only one left here that had any faith in her.

It's so hard watching someone you love destroying themselves. I'm still her mum but I am powerless at the same time. It's not about being in a battle with her it's about refusing to continue the battle with her.

And I think, downnotout, that is the only thing you can do right now. I really feel for you.

Thank you. X

Well that's a good step about the mobile phone - she's being realistic about something. Has she got a plan as to how she will fund her bills in 3 weeks time? She'll need a job fairly sharpish and that will be hard at this time of year, unless it's a temporary christmas job and most of those will be spoken for.

Try not to give her any fuel to fire her self-destruction - give her your blessing and that doesn't mean giving her your cash. The pursuit of financial survival is for most people enough to keep us out of trouble enough and to appreciate when life's good.

Try to remember that people change, go through phases, she's only 18 - it will pass.

She is getting married on 19 th December. She has known him less than 4 months.

I don't believe that .

Her boyfriend doesnt want to get married .

Or does he think she's pg and is going along with hernto do the right thing?

She's a headpickeler

Droves you have just made me laugh for the first time this week.

No it's true. My sister in law just phoned to ask what was going on and if I knew. I didn't. Have also seen some messages of congratulation on FB.

Well she's managed to get an appt at the registrar and get it arranged and the venue booked quickly. I take it the boyfriend knows he's getting married?

Downnotout I think you deserve some .

Patience of a saint.