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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenage daughter pregnant. Disappointed, upset, angry WWYD?

625 replies

Downnotout · 18/11/2011 13:57

My 18yo DD has told us she is pregnant. She has just started a 2 year course which would have set her up for life.

Her BF of all of 4 months is in the forces and will be going to Afghanistan next year, although he says he will stand by her. She was on the contraceptive injection but was ill a few weeks ago, had lots of anti biotics and ended up having an operation. Somehow in amongst all that she managed to get pregnant.

I feel so disappointed. For her, for him, for us as a family. It isn't good news. She is living away at college, we have signed a lease on the house. She will have to leave college and the house and we will have to continue paying til next September for it. As well as next terms fees of £4000. We have been killing ourselves to pay for all this as it was her lifelong dream to do this course/ job and now it's all for nothing.

I think she has rose tinted glasses on about life with a pretty house and a cute baby gurgling away in the background. Join me here in shaking your heads and thinking about the reality of being alone with a baby, not having slept for weeks, your partner away at war and having to spend your last ten quid on a packet of pampers.

There is no way we can have her back living with us at home. Call me selfish, but I have brought three children up. My youngest is still only 9. Somewhere along the line me and DH were starting to think about having a bit more time to ourselves.

Yes she's 18, an adult. Old enough to make her own decisions. But I am filled with dread about it all. I am only too aware of the pitfalls, what might go wrong, if they split up etc. and I know she will need me to be there for her, to support her. But I just don't want it. I don't want the responsibility of it. I don't want to be tied to another baby and I wish so much that she wasn't throwing her life away and maybe ruining his. A baby is forever and at her age she has no concept of what that means.

OP posts:
SirHumphreyAppleby · 22/11/2011 15:14

The doctor really gave out confidential information about your daughter to you? Shock

HugosGoatee · 22/11/2011 15:24

Oh dear. Just read whole thread, poor you! If she lied to you about being pg, do you think she also lied to her bf?

I think you have to challenge her on this. I don't know if you can make up a way that you found out, so that you don't let on that you found out from her doc, though.

If her bf finds out, it could be the end of that as well as the college course.

It definitely sounds like she doesn't want to go to college though so be prepared for that - cheaper to have her back at home and get her out working for a 'gap year' or two then keep funding this fantasy life.

MrsJRT · 22/11/2011 15:40

Downnotout, what a time you're having, ust to say a scan would presumably show some thickening of the uterine lining if a miscarriage had only recently occurred.

VivaLeBeaver · 22/11/2011 15:46

But the uterus thickens just before a period as well doesn't it so could they tell the difference?

MrsJRT · 22/11/2011 15:52

You're right Viva, just my very limited experience from doing an EPAC placement during training and being with my sister when se had a scan following miscarriage, they commented that the uterine lining was thickened but there was no evidence of a sac in the uterus. So um, yeah, I dunno is the answer. Sorry OP, not much help.

LtEveDallas · 22/11/2011 16:00

Oh dear OP, what a rollercoaster Sad. I had wondered earlier if she was making this up, and it seems she was... what a bloody shame.

In some ways relief - there is no baby, whether the was one originally is probably something you will never know for sure - and is there really any point in finding out? Supporting her emotionally is a good thing; even if she was lying all along there must be some reason that she did it...I can only sympathise.

A friend of mine is going though something similar - her grown up DSD recently announced she was pregnant. She (DSD) has form for emotional blackmail and asking for money and so on ("If you really loved me you'd give me £££"). Friends DH was upset (V new relationship) but pragmatic. Told daughter he would support her, but not financially, that was the job of the father. Daughter asked him to buy the pram, he agreed. Daughter told him she wanted XXX one that cost £600 and wanted to buy it now (only 10 weeks PG), he said no, not till it was needed and not that expensive. She said she had to have it now, and that he should send her the money. He said no, and that he and his wife would take her out to buy one together. She had the screaming abdabs.

A couple of weeks later she has lost the baby... and told her father that it was "all his fault because he put her through so much stress" We have all gone [hmmm]. No-one will say anything to the daughter but those of us that know her, think there was almost certainly no baby.

Original poster
Downnotout · 22/11/2011 16:29

No it was a different doctor at the surgery who saw her the last time she went in, which wasn't last week either. There were no concerns of this nature in her notes from that appointment.

I rang DD and said I was thinking about after her operation, 4 weeks ago, and how much she was bleeding, clots and things and us discussing if that amount of bleeding was normal after an op, just to remind her that had happened.

Then I said "so it must have been very early days, when did you find out.?" And she said" when I rang you and told you last Thursday"

So I asked if the doctor she saw last week at her surgery did the pregnancy test and she said yes.

Now there are 4 doctors there, but only one set of notes. And he told me that when someone comes in and they've done a pregnancy test themselves they don't do another test to confirm it anymore. They take the patient at their word as the tests you buy at the chemist are so accurate.

OP posts:
Original poster
Downnotout · 22/11/2011 16:47

Sirhumphrey, I'm afrai I told him I thought she might do something stupid as she had made a comment about us not going down to see her because she wouldn't be there then. I implied that she might be suicidal.

We only talked in generalisations and the only thing he divulged was that she had not presented at the surgery previously about this.

He did seem a bit surprised at my concern because he said she was absolutely fine and not to worry.

I did ask him to look into counselling for her, because whatever has gone on here, she needs some professional help.

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleep · 22/11/2011 16:49

OK - so, possibly she saw another Dr who asked her about the PT - she told them it was +ve or showed them the test and they confirmed it was +ve. No notes because they didn't examine her or anything?? It's possible.

Highly bloody unlikely - but possible. Keep holding your tongue for now.

What is she saying is happening now?

VivaLeBeaver · 22/11/2011 17:08

No. If she'd seen a GP at the surgery and told them she was pregnant it would be in her notes. Examination or not, it would have to be incase she then presented the following day wanting some antibiotics, etc which shouldn't be given in pregnancy.

Only thing I can think, clutching at straws is if she saw a midwife rather than a GP. Midwives don't have access to notes/computer system at every surgery so often write a letter to the GP at the same practice which can take days to get over to that side.

eminencegrise · 22/11/2011 17:39

What are you going to do now, Down?

Yorky · 22/11/2011 18:00

When I had a scan for a query over retained placenta after DD the sonographer commented that the unterine lining looked more ragged/less healed than she would have expected for 8wks post natal so they may be able to tell

MrsJRT · 22/11/2011 18:12

Oooh, ok this is a bit sneaky but is a likely scenario: are you going with her for the scan? Only where I work even if the scan did not show a viable pregnancy they'd check her blood for her beta HCG levels aka the pregnancy hormone, if she has been recently then there will be some floating about. You could inform her of this and that they'll likely check her levels to ensure that a miscarriage has occurred (even if uterus is empty slightly rising levels of the hormone can indicate an ectopic pregnancy, see what her reaction is?

AgathaCrusty · 22/11/2011 18:22

How awful for you, and for her too as she must have some issues to do this. Does she realise that if she has a procedure - termination, ERPOC etc, she will need to give someone as a next of kin? Maybe you could suggest that hospital/clinic would contact you?

Feel for her boyfriend too. She has caused a whole lot of worry all round, if this is a manipulative lie.

Jacksmania · 22/11/2011 19:06

Good grief downnotout - what an awful situation for you.

What are you going to do now?

If this is all a lie (and why on earth would anyone do this???) she's just lost her entire family's respect and trust. Which sounds as if it was on shaky ground anyway.

:( for you.

Albrecht · 22/11/2011 19:47

And he told me that when someone comes in and they've done a pregnancy test themselves they don't do another test to confirm it anymore. They take the patient at their word as the tests you buy at the chemist are so accurate.

I've been thinking this today actually because that is what happened to me when I went to docs about being pregnant and the same for my friend in a different city (we were both a bit put out - we thought it would be like on tv when they do a test and say "Well congratulations Mrs Brown, you are expecting a baby!")

Original poster
Downnotout · 22/11/2011 20:42

Well it has all just come to a head.

I spoke to her calmly and asked her what her plans were now. I had seen a conversation on FB between her an him talking about a house and him saying he was looking at a tv to buy for it and how they could get a dog etc. and I asked her when this was happening.

She says Jan/Feb and we 're still getting married. So I said I presumed she was leaving college and she said yes. So I asked what she was going to do until then. Cue surprised "what do you mean? "

I said the rule was always we support you while you are still in education and when you leave you support yourself. If this is your choice and it's what you have been planning you understand that financially you make your own way. She says yes but will we tell her before we cut her phone off!

Then I asked if she planned to get pregnant on purpose or if there was no pregnancy at all. And I challenged her on one or two of the points I made earlier. She didn't have any answers but very tellingly she didn't start shouting or stressing about how could I even accuse her of that when she was going through a miscarriage.

I said I hope she hadn't lied to him too about being pregnant because he would drop her so fast she wouldn't believe it and she said "well you can't prove it".

We can't allow her to mess with our heads and destroy our lives like this anymore. We have been through this running off with a boy and bollocks to you stuff with her twice now this year. I can't save her from herself .I've told her its not forever, but for the time being, enough is enough because of all the lies. She has,actually, despite the bravado, broken my heart.

She's off out to the pictures now. Sad

OP posts:
Jacksmania · 22/11/2011 20:50

Oh downnotout - everyone has her breaking point and she's pushed you to yours. I'm so sorry.

Jacksmania · 22/11/2011 20:52

I think this is when "disappointment for her" changes into "disappointment in her". How could it not?
I can't understand how she could do this to you.

eminencegrise · 22/11/2011 20:54

I don't think she's pregnant. Poor boyfriend.

VivaLeBeaver · 22/11/2011 21:00

So she says they're still getting married but the bf told your dh that he pressured? Was that just in relation to the baby or generally about how serious and quickly things were moving? They've not been together long.

It sounds to me like she has low self esteem and she's desperate to cling onto this lad any way she can think of.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 22/11/2011 21:17

I'm surprised at their FB conversation after what he said to your DH?

Have you spoken to his mother? He's too young to have his life ruined over all of this as well.

So - are you saying that you aren't going to have any contact with her?

Why doesn't she want to continue with her course?

What are you going to do about that and the money you are paying for it?

It's a wonder you've any hair left with her, honestly.

eminencegrise · 22/11/2011 21:18

Low self-esteem or no, it's unfair for the boy in this.

SierraMadre · 22/11/2011 21:19

Downnotout I've been following this with interest. It's all been a bit of a rollercoaster, hasn't it? I haven't got anything constructive to add, but just that I sympathise, you and your DH must be absolutely wrung out.

VivaLeBeaver · 22/11/2011 21:34

If the bf knew what the dr had said I bet he'd run for the hills. It is very unfair on him.