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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

no idea where to go next with DD

26 replies

ahhhhhh · 07/10/2011 10:17

My DD has stormed out of our house declaring she will not return because a) I couldn't lay my hands on her homework in 30 secs (it took 2 mins) and b) I wouldn't give her a lift to school as it was raining (although my husband had the car and he was at the doctors). It was very fraught, shouty shouty and I'm sure she will go to a friends after school.
My dilemma is do I just let her do her thing, do I collect her from school, do I wait and then go looking when it gets dark? She has a group of friends who were the 'coolest' and 'hardest' she could find when we moved to the area last year, so I don't think they will be very sensible about it all.
I know I have a DD who is soft on the inside and trying to fit in, by being a person she is not, on the outside.
When this is resolved I need to think things through so it is me dishing out the punishments - being in control, as at the moment she is swanning around school very much in control, status on facebook very hurtful and me suffering.
Please help me -gently, with practical solutions!! Thanks.

OP posts:
ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 07/10/2011 11:18

How old is she?

Original poster
ahhhhhh · 07/10/2011 11:23

12 - 13 in December.

OP posts:
purplecupcake · 07/10/2011 11:28

is it a regular thing she does .. or is the the first time ?

Jabbie2 · 07/10/2011 11:41

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}, this is awful for you.

My DD also 12(13 next Feb) went through a stage a while back where she said and it seemed like she was very unhappy.She threatened to leave a couple of times, once had her bag packed and we had to block her physically from leaving.I can't even remember now what the fight was about but I remember how scared I felt about whether or not she would actually go.Can't really advise but wanted to empathise, I sometimes hate mornings here as I know she can be very snappy and she does upset me with what she says and how she says it.I honestly think she is not aware and at this age they are very self absorbed.If your DD is anything like mine she would have been put out that she wasn't getting the lift she was expecting as the rain would probably mess up her hair and ruin her day!!! That's how my DD would see it and it would be all of my fault.Appearance seems to be everything to my DD, is yours the same?

If it were me I would send her a text if it were safe to just saying if you are going around X's or Y's I need to know as I need to know where you are and give her a time to be back by which is not negotiable, that is if you are happy for her to be with x or y, which it sounds like might be part of the problem.If it is I am in the same boat, read my thread on bullying here and I have also had other problems.

Original poster
ahhhhhh · 07/10/2011 11:55

Thanks Jabbie2. Yes, it was all to do with appearance - wet hair, make up running etc. All her friends mums would give them a lift but they were still in their pyjamas where as I wouldn't even say I'd take her - me also in pyjamas, husband at doctors with car and DS to take to school!
Purplecupcake it is the 2nd time, the first she appeared at about 8pm, with me knowing where she was. This time seems different, I have had a lovely text telling me to fk off and how awful I am! She has stormed out of the house before in the evening and gone to friends whose parents have walked her home when she has calmed down. Unfortunately one of these mothers loves all the drama and gloats on it, so I'm guessing that's were she'll go to get maximum score for ping me off!
She has had a hard time with an abusive father whom she no longer sees, nor wants to see. I have made alot of excuses for her because of him but I now don't believe it is all to do with that.
Do appreciate the messages. I must remember - say no and leave the room!!

OP posts:
ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 07/10/2011 11:59

Bloody hell, she sounds like a lovely little charmer. Telling her mother to fuck off. I haven't had to face this yet (my DD is only 10), but she'd get short shrift and a grounding from me.
Your DD sounds very angry, I know that puberty is a dreadful time, but being rude and horrible doesn't help.
Is there a counsellor attatched to your school? She sounds as if she could do with talking her issues through with someone.
I would also make every effort to keep her away from the drama mum too.
Good luck.

Jabbie2 · 07/10/2011 12:10

Some mums can be awful, truly awful.DD had one friend who she confided in and friend told her mum who then thought I was awful and pitied DD for what she 'perceived' to be our family set up.I think I am just a bit tougher, at times then them .I can't give her everything she might want materialistically and wouldn't even if I could.

I have had some awful texts off of DD when she has been unhappy/angry.It really hurts but I have also texted back my disapproval of her using that kind of language to me.She doesn't do it anymore.

Original poster
ahhhhhh · 07/10/2011 12:12

This is part of my problem - the grounding bit. I am so worried if I say she's grounded she just wont come home from school til late, I have been out and collected her from the park once when grounded, but there will come a day she just wont get in the car. I am so worried about running out of options.
It is quite funny but she saw the school counsellor yesterday. When she came home she told me she was going to try not to be so angry. She even went on to say that her father did not deserve to have me and I should never had stayed as long as I did as I am too good for all that. More or less 12 hours later all hell breaks loose!
Drama mum on doorstep as soon as the facebook message was posted!! I sent her away.

OP posts:
ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 07/10/2011 12:17

I have heard people mention CAMHS on MN before. Do you think they would help.Or more sessions with the counsellor.
Your DD is so angry it must be awful living in that atmosphere.
I think I would be inclined to phone the non emergency police number if my DD refused to get into the car.
You are being bullied by your own DD.

ivykaty44 · 07/10/2011 12:17

so I'm guessing that's were she'll go to get maximum score for p**ing me off!

so don't get pissed off and don't go looking.

Sit back and don't play the drama game.

What are her intrests/hobbies - treating this like toddlerhood distraction and making them so tierd and busy they don't have time to cause trouble.

dd2 is 13 at the end of november

mumeeee · 07/10/2011 12:29

Just text her and tell her what time you are expecting her back. Then leave it up to her.. Don't collect her from school and don't go looking. I know it's hard teenagers can be very hard. I know I've had 3. Try and keep calm and don't shout back at her. Also I found that grounding never worked.

Original poster
ahhhhhh · 07/10/2011 12:29

If I don't go looking she may not come home, accuse me of not caring etc. I have to admit that is my gut reaction but it is very hard. I will try to be calm.
Her hobbies are make up, boys, facebook...... She used to go rock climbing and she would attend a gym but you have to be over 16. I even offered to join a gym with her (she does like the idea of us doing things together, well, she did!)- that's how desperate I am!

OP posts:
widdles · 07/10/2011 12:31

my dd is 13 (14 next april) and would never have the nerve to tell me to f**k off mainly because she has respect for both me and dh. She has had moments of wanting or needing something but we have always made her independent enough to sort things out for herself, especially homework and she is sensible enough to realise if i don't have the car she would need to work.

I think you need to set some boundries and follow through on some heavy consequences to make her realise you are the adult and she is still a child. She has no right to speak to you in such a manner and when she turns 16 she can freely leave but until then grow up and stop acting like a spoilt child having a paddy.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but i have no time for demanding teenagers

Original poster
ahhhhhh · 07/10/2011 12:32

You are being bullied by your own DD
Wow, ouch and yes!! That helps me see things in a different light.

OP posts:
verlainechasedrimbauds · 07/10/2011 12:52

widdles "I have no time for demanding teenagers" Hmm. That just means you don't have particularly demanding teenagers. They are not all demanding and you can bring them up in the same way and with the same boundaries and get completely different reactions.

Grounding won't work with bolshy teenagers who can reach the door handle. The response will be "what do you mean, I can't go out? Watch me..."

if you can just get an agreement that she will let you know she is safe, or if you can contact the family you know she will go to and ask them to let you know - for now - that would help at the moment. I'd suggest having a chat to the Mum who loves the drama and being cool and undramatic with her and saying something like "you have teenager(s), you know what it's like, I think my dd knows how to turn on the tragedy - thanks for not indulging her too much and for keeping her safe, I'll do the same for yours if it's ever necessary".

I would try to ignore your daughter's behaviour (though telling her, when you're both calm, not to swear at you) and try to find a time when you are having a reasonable conversation to broach the difficulties you are having with your relationship. Ask her how she would like to handle it as you both have to live together. You shouldn't feel that you have to put up with abuse from her and you should make that clear to her. I found that if the huffy (or worse) behavious was the sort I couldn't ignore, that having the sort of conversation I might have with an awkward adult colleague worked with my daughter when she was going through a particularly difficult phase. Being ultra-reasonable and trying to listen to her "grievances" and address them and then explaining how her behaviour made me feel and asking her how we could improve things. It didn't always work (because it would still often result in a flouncing "you don't understand", but it did allow me to feel that I was maintaining the moral highground and some control Grin.

purplecupcake · 07/10/2011 13:21

i can totally understand and sympathise with you ... my DD is 17 in a few weeks, and shes been like it for years.. she used to threaten me with leaving and call me all the names under the sun..i used to cry and beg her to stay, it wasnt till she got violent then i started to change, i phoned the police.. who removed her from the house and took her to her friends house.. within 2 hours she was txting begging to come home. I refused..the police had told her to stay until 6.30pm before she made any contact with me. i let her back home at 6.30pm..we talked, everything was nice for a few weeks then it all started again.. i told her i would pack her bags and phone the police to remove her, she cried and cried, apologised and since then we havent had a single incident of bad mouthing, tantrums, or leaving ..

you must stand your ground whatever you decide to do

ivykaty44 · 07/10/2011 13:27

you didn't come and look for me - you don't care about me

don't play the game - you are the adult and she is the teen.

text her and set her limits be back by 6pm for tea and don't be a silly girl and make more trouble for yourself.

Get her rock climbing and join the gym together

does she swim, dance,ice skate, hockey, netball, drama (apart from the drama queen actWink) or do athletics or cycle? Look at clubs for anything like that and get her along to a couple to try them out - get her away from sitting around at a mirror or pc. Tell her she will make lots of new friends and have a far far better social life joining clubs than she will sat on facebook

50000feet · 07/10/2011 16:29

I have been where you are a dozen times. hurtful text - ignore them and after a period just send a normal text as if nothing has happened but at good times (or when she is mouthing off at you) always reinforce her language is unacceptable and that it will get her nowhere. The only thing that worked for when my DD14 (started at 13) continually walked out was calling the police who found her on CCTV and brought her home. You may have to do it a few times but eventually she will get the message that you mean it. I just have to warn her about the police if she threatens to go off and she thinks twice now and stays ( although not happy about it). If she has not got in touch with you yet, You could try a text today that if she is not home by a time you choose you will call the police and then do it if she is not home. I have also said if you don't come home by ? Then I will go round all her friends houses and knock on the doors till I find her. I have phoned around friends mums houses before which embarrassed her but it got all the mums to help me and sometimes they phoned me when she turns up there. She is going to try and control you and test you for quite a while but stick to it she will eventually get the message. Hold your nerve! It's not easy but you can do it.

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 07/10/2011 17:49

Hoping it's all OK ahhhhhhhhhhh.

flack · 07/10/2011 17:58

If it were me I would have waited until dark before seeking her.
And asked her to apologise (soon as she got in).
I would try to treat it as hot tempered nonsense otherwise; what they do is more important than the words (within limits).
I would take the view of treating her as someone who knows her responsibilities and will do them until proven otherwise.

Original poster
ahhhhhh · 07/10/2011 19:13

Quick update.
The school counselor rang this afternoon to say how worried she was about DD. She is referring her to CAMHS and wants me to go to GP to back up her referral. She will email all staff at school to let them know I am concerned and struggling. DD appeared at 530pm (having text me to say she was walking home). She asked to talk to me and expressed concern about her temper. We have discussed how we will get by til we get her help - help which she asked for. There were other things which I wont bore you with.
We have talked and we have a plan. All those helpful comments, suggestions, hugs and empathy have really helped me through the day. I can't thank you enough.

OP posts:
mumeeee · 07/10/2011 20:10

Glad she came hone and you've had a chat. I'm also glad that she and you are getting some help.

Jabbie2 · 07/10/2011 22:46

More {{{HUGS}}} it must be worrying for you that you have had the school contact you, but you are getting help that is the imprtant thing.

empirestateofmind · 08/10/2011 03:39

My DD2 is the same age and can be very very stroppy so I sympathise. I hope you get the help you need.

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 08/10/2011 09:24

That is good news. Very best of luck.

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