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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

15 yr old dd thinks I am evil.

27 replies

caercialost · 21/04/2011 09:20

Now I know in the grand scheme of things this is NOT a big thing. All my dd have jobs and the 15 yr old does the pots. She washes, dries and puts away. I have told her that this has to be done by 8pm AND she understands the sliding scale of laptop confiscation for not doing this. Last night after a week of losing her laptop for longer and longer and doing the dishes as late as she can, she started to load the dishwasher and wash the remaining pots at 7.30 and so finished at about 8.01. She says I am not being fair in sticking to my punishment as she only missed the deadline by a few seconds.
Now Although I agree with this, she will not be allowed to use that excuse in the real world. Exams dont allow you to go over by any length of time, if your late for work you are late! and the fact is that she CHOSE to leave starting the job until the last minute, so I am hoping this will teach her about getting jobs done at the right time NOT the last minute.

What do you guys think?

OP posts:
lemonsquish · 21/04/2011 09:33

I think you're being a bit harsh TBH, but then I'm quite relaxed with my two. When it's their turn to wash up, as long as it's done that night, it's ok with me. It was only a minute late, she had done it when it was required.

Teens like to push things a bit (you must remember being one yourself!) and they don't see the relevance of washing up on time compared to exams, being late for work etc.

You might want to think about picking your arguments more carefully, for the sake of everyones sanity.

asdx2 · 21/04/2011 09:45

Too harsh, I would say. But then again I choose my battles and as far as I am concerned so long as the job is done then I don't sweat the details.

Skifit · 21/04/2011 09:51

Personally most 15 yr old DD think their mum is evil. My DD now 20 yrs seemed to hate me from 15 -19yrs . She is only just coming round now at 20.
I think you are sensible making your children do some chores. When they leave home at least they will know how to do some domestic stuff and it wont come as a shock . You are teaching them a good lesson .
Good on you , thats what i say ! I was a bit slack when my big 2 lived at home ... they did little except tidy their room.
I have an older DS of 23yrs and a younger one of 10yrs and I should really get 10 yr old to do some things in the house. Now he is like an only child, I do run around after him, and I know its not good for him. Its is teaching him nothing about the real world.

Original poster
caercialost · 21/04/2011 09:59

I do try and chose my battles but the time thing was something she and I agreed on because before this the washing up was not getting done until 11pm and then not completed because she was tired, which led to me doing it in the morning as she then got up late and rushed off to school.
She does push and push all boundaries and always has done, I am disappointed that we sat down and agreed this one but she still cannot stick to it.

OP posts:
asdx2 · 21/04/2011 10:23

Maybe you could agree a time by which they should be started. She may genuinely have tried to get them done in time for 8pm but they took longer than expected. I know I sometimes underestimate the length of time I need too.

smokeandglitter · 21/04/2011 14:33

Umm... being one minute late is totally acceptable, if she looked at a different clock it could have said 7:59pm. Agree with asdx2 that she could have underestimated the time, and really although it's her job it would be nice to just thank her for doing it. I know a lot of teenagers who do nothing. My sister refused point blank to do any chores (completely disagree with this but that's another story), so I'd say be grateful.

Understood though, that there have been battles over time in the past but would say definately too harsh.

IloveJudgeJudy · 21/04/2011 14:58

I agree with all the others that if you are penalising her for one minute difference you are being extremely harsh. I know that at my DC's secondary school you are punished if you are one minute late getting into school, but this is home and you really don't want to be at war all the time.

Seconding askx2 about picking your battles. I know you said you do, but it wasn't 11 at night, was it, it was just about 8 pm. For the sake of 1 minute I think you should back down. I don't think she'll think you're weak, I think she'll think you're being reasonable.

If I were you I wouldn't state a finishing time, I would just state a time she has to start by and if she takes 3 hours to do the pots, then so be it. It's her time she's wasting.

I do like the principle of getting it done/starting by a particular time. I think that's where I'm falling down with my DC. I might try it.

Can I ask what you do about dishwasher duties if you've been out and about in the afternoon/evening, because that is where we fall down? DH always ends up putting the bits that are around in the dishwasher himself.

Skifit · 21/04/2011 16:22

Not harsh...just firm and your kids will not suffer. They will eventually realise they respect you and love you. At least they are not spoilt .

colditz · 21/04/2011 16:24

You're being unfair. Nobody gets sacked for being 1 minute late for work. She thinks your evil now because she's 15. When she's 30 she'll know you're petty minded.

quirrelquarrel · 21/04/2011 17:37

You're not doing it out of petty frustration or vengefulness- you want to teach her something. You're not harming her by taking away her laptop. It's perfectly reasonable and even to her benefit, in the end.

TheOriginalFAB · 21/04/2011 17:40

I am not sure on this one as I am too soft with mine and am also trying to pick my battles and be consistent. Bloody tough this parenting lark.

cat64 · 21/04/2011 20:13

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Pancakeflipper · 21/04/2011 20:15

1 minute? Blimey.

takewhatyoucan · 21/04/2011 20:19

That does sound a bit harsh imho, perhaps you could say if she doesn't start doing the dishes by (for example) 7pm then the laptop is confiscated? Then it encourages her to be prompt, but doesn't penalise her if it takes a little longer..

Original poster
caercialost · 21/04/2011 22:08

I know that being 1 minute late does sound harsh and petty, but this is after a long long journey regarding time management and this one job.
I appreciate all your points of view and have tried most of them.
Tried just ensuring that the job was done without a time result job not done.
tried saying start the job after we have eaten result was the same as above as all the evening is after we have eaten.
tried you must start by 7, result job not done as something needed to be done at that time and so the time for starting got pushed and pushed.
after discussing today with dd she agreed I am correct and that she was clear about the time scale and the consequence. trust me we had even prior to yesterday discussed which clock we would be using to decide when it was eight.

I am not a control freak but this particular dd needs to have this level of detail in things or in her words " I will find a way to get out of doing it"

thanks

OP posts:
lilolilmanchester · 21/04/2011 22:11

choose your battles, I'd say...

usualsuspect · 21/04/2011 22:13

Pick you battles ..this is not one of them

sharbie · 21/04/2011 22:16

blimey v harsh

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 21/04/2011 23:54

I have total empathy here:) I have 4 teens (oops) and one task is that two of them have to empty the dishwasher before they go to bed. (one is disabled and one at Uni hence they don't do it)

DS1 failed to do the dishwasher when he crawled in at whatever hour, 3 days in a row. I WARNED him that if he didn't I would drag his ass out of bed at 6 am when I get up for work. He ignored me. I got him up. (Think 'Stig of the dump'.. teenage male at 6 am not a pretty sight) I did it three days in a row and the air was blue. BUT he hasn't forgotten since Grin

I work hard, am realistic and don't expect miracles. BUT the few chores I do expect of them I expect to be DONE when I say... so I am with you on sticking to your guns on this issue..

BluddyMoFo · 21/04/2011 23:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 22/04/2011 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quirrelquarrel · 22/04/2011 07:20

But she does get a wage...new clothes, pocket money (I presume) and meals and much more than the bare minimum, if you're going to look at it that way). Kids shouldn't be rewarded for doing chores (especially when it's something like doing the washing up, which requires the bare minimum of effort- it's not like gardening or washing a car).

woollyideas · 22/04/2011 12:54

Cut her some slack...

atswimtwolengths · 25/04/2011 10:38

But you ARE a control freak if you are bothered about one minute! You sound absolutely awful! What kind of job are you thinking she's going to get - a train driver's?

treedelivery · 25/04/2011 11:00

1 minute is crazy and tbh sounds rather like a lack of respect for the fact that she is human. Sorry to say it like that, it isn't meant to sound so scathing!
Unless you are absolutely perfect 100% of the time I think you might need to reflect on how we all sometimes do a less than perfect job despite good intentions. To have failure rubbed in your face would be really bad for self esteem and self worth imo.
If you are absolutely perfect [and I know some people do have amazing levels of self control and very high standards and work ethic] I think I'd find that very alientating and difficult to live as a teeenager, so try to meet her a little down the imperfect human path maybe?

I have total sympathy for what you are trying to achieve, getting teenagers to pull weight and chip in and so on. This is going waaaaay too far imo.
I type this as a mum to younger children but I really remember the teenage years and I can't think how this kind of misplaced severity [just my opinion though] would have helped me navigate the stressors of puberty, relationships, life choices and all the pressures of impending adulthood.

But maybe I'm very psychology based, touchy and feely as a person, there must be a common ground where the message gets across to the child but so does compassion and respect for the human.