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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Disappointingly found out DD has had sex

95 replies

nottonight · 18/03/2011 21:52

Not sure what I am feeling here, can't say it was a huge shock as at some point teenagers are going down this route, just didn't think it was so soon. Now I don't usually look at DD's texts mainly because she has a blackberry and puts everything on a lock, but this is in for repair so she has a courtesy phone which is basic and I know how to use these. The boyfriend had text to say he wanted to meet tonight and have some sex. So when DD was in the living room on the lap top watching tv I broached the topic on the lines of now that you have a boyfriend for a few weeks, perhaps we need to have a discussion on hormones and sex, DD went ballistic stating that she was not having sex and therefore not talking about it. Did the whole being careful bit, and whilst I hope that she is not engaging in sex, there may come a time when she does and needs to make sure she is taking proper precautions. DD still not open up for a discussion, so left it a little while and then I let her know that I had read her texts, which to be honest could have been worse but she didn't hit the ceiling which she normally would. So had the discussion that I would be happy if she were to have the implant for her own benefit and my peace of mind. DD stated that she was having safe sex with condoms, not to go off on one, I said that I was disappointed , but in one hand pleased that she had had the sense to use a condom (if she did) but whilst this is good for preventing STD's the condom could split and she could end up pregnant. Now she did agree only to make me happy but wanted to make the appointment all be herself, I'm not sure about this as much prefer if I went with her. What do I do now. DH feels that we should contact BF mother to let her know he is 15, we only met him this week. Any advice anyone. Have been getting on with DD better recently

OP posts:

KatieMiddleton · 18/03/2011 21:54

How old is your dd? Do you trust her judgement in other matters? Why do you think it's ok to spy on her?

usualsuspect · 18/03/2011 21:54

you have no right to read her texts

Original poster

nottonight · 18/03/2011 22:06

DD is 14 and very very secretive. No I do not, but I am glad that I have done, now to at least take action regarding contraception, so she does not end up pregnant. By the way she has always talked did not think she would engage just yet.

OP posts:

vouvrey · 18/03/2011 22:08

you should throw her a 'you're a woman now' party

KatieMiddleton · 18/03/2011 22:14

I'm not surprised she's secretive being spied on. I think you can take two approaches with these things. Treat her like a child: invade her privacy, contact her boyfriend's parents, stop her going out, dictate terms about contraception etc etc

Or you can treat her like the adult she is becoming: listen to her, offer advice, accept she will do things you don't like but give her the confidence and security to make informed decisions.

If she wants to have sex she will do. If she doesn't want to she may still do so due to pressure/wanting to conform etc. but she doesn't have to if you can empower her.

Your job is to parent - not dictate. It's up to you to choose how to play it but I know which option I'd choose.

gerardway · 18/03/2011 22:14

You have every right to read her texts, she's still an underage child. I also agree with all the rest of the things you want to do including letting the BF mums know. Good luck

ChocolateHelps · 18/03/2011 22:18

my girls are no where near being teenagers...but i remember being so young (so long ago!) and wishing my mum had been a bit stricter with me. 14yrs old is pretty young to be taking on something as mature as a sexual relationship with all it's complexities...waiting a few more years and having your mum help you to wait a few more years isn't necessarily a bad thing.

KatieMiddleton · 18/03/2011 22:20

But it's too late now. It's already happened.

Original poster

nottonight · 18/03/2011 22:21

If you read the threat again katie you will see that I did not dictate merely had a grown up conversation. dictating would have got me know where, just as most of the time trying to have a adult conversation does not get me anywhere, there are a lot of compromises in our relationship. DD thinks she knows it all. It is my job to keep her safe and if this means being spied on then so be it. I do not want her end up being pregnant at 14, dropping out of school and not making the best of herself, the same as staying out until midnight putting herself at risk from attack. Parenting is hard most of the time for grown up's let alone young teenagers.

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 18/03/2011 22:22

I would read anything I needed to keep my 14 yo safe

OP, YANBU

I don't wish to be harsh....but why is your 14 yo daughter getting so much unsupervised alone time with her boyfriend ?

I would be knocking that on the head for a start

school, home, homework

weekends, hanging out with girlfriends...yup

hanging out with boyfriend at 14 yo ?

where ? when ? why ?

EldonAve · 18/03/2011 22:22

why are condoms not enough?
there are downsides to the implant

Original poster

nottonight · 18/03/2011 22:29

DD has not had that much time alone with BF, only once or twice a week. to be honest I think it has only just happened. She visits him at his house when his mum was meant to be there/or is mostly there as she had been cooked tea, he has only visited us once, last week and I was at home and they were in the living room, I was in kitchen but most of the time my 8yr old son was in the same room. Most weekends she has spent with her girlfriend or at home. She did sleep over the other week but I spoke to his mum first and she confirmed that it was separate bedrooms.

DH wants to inform his mother, which is right, but will cause a horrendous argument. by the way he is 15.

OP posts:

KatieMiddleton · 18/03/2011 22:35

Read my post again. I was giving examples not reporting the incident. Anyhoo I've made my point is up to you what to do

NimpyWindowmash · 18/03/2011 22:36

I don't blame you for reading her texts, given that she is only 14. I can't advise really, but I would support her getting an implant.

PeterAndreForPM · 18/03/2011 22:41

how long has she known him, OP ?

they haven't spent much time alone ?

then how come they have fast-forwarded to a sexual relationship ?

she is 14, fgs

I cannot believe the "easy come-easy go" attitude by some posters on this thread

OP, if this were my daughter, there would be consequences

put it this way, the green light would not be given for a 14 yo to have sex with her boyfriend

all opportunities would be withdrawn

a 16yo ?

different story

a year 9/10 child ?

absolutely no way

PeterAndreForPM · 18/03/2011 22:44

I would be informing the boys mother

I would also be stopping "sleepovers"

sleepovers ?

sleepovers are for 8yos

not sexually-precocious teenagers, just the two of them (unless you are ok for them to have sex)

straight home from school

any time spent with boyfriend in public places or with supervision and doors always open (if I even allowed the "relationship" to continue, that is)

winnybella · 18/03/2011 22:48

I'm afraid I'm with PAFPM here- why did you allow her to have a sleepover at her boyfriend's house? Did you really think that 'seperate bedrooms' will prevent them having sex? I mean the BF's mother presumably went t sleep at some point, leaving them free to do whatever they wanted?

14 yo is too young imo.

GypsyMoth · 18/03/2011 22:49

peter....how old is your teen??

PeterAndreForPM · 18/03/2011 22:50

why tiff ?

Original poster

nottonight · 18/03/2011 22:51

Peter - not sure, she has know him before xmas, but not as BF/GF and not sure about the fast forwarding bit, TBH thought she had more sense than that, we have had a troubled time with her for the last 18 months with DD wanting to be more grown up and independent and us trying to control the situation as best as we can and reign her in a bit to make sure she is safe. We even have SS involved. All this resistance and resentment over the last 18 months is because we are trying to keep her safe and not grow up too much, it has caused an awful lot of confrontations, she is very secretatve, thought over the last few weeks we had turned a corner, this is the first boy she had brought home, been expecting him to come for weeks. Certainly in this house there would be no opportunities.

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 18/03/2011 22:53

I sometimes think that no wonder teenagers rebel on MN

PeterAndreForPM · 18/03/2011 22:54

what are you going to do, nt ?

PeterAndreForPM · 18/03/2011 22:55

I sometimes think that teenagers who get too much freedom use it unwisely on MN (that was to US, not OP)

Original poster

nottonight · 18/03/2011 22:57

Not all teenagers I am sure engage in sex, and certainly in my house I would be handing out the expectation of NO SEX, and I would like to think that when I spoke to his mother, she would ensure the same. Even had the conversation when letting her stay over was NO SEX, to the reply of MUM I AM NOT GOING TO NOT THAT STUPID in raised voice.

Believe me there will be no sleep overs.

OP posts:

Original poster

nottonight · 18/03/2011 23:05

Peter - definately get her on some better contraception (I am no way giving the green light here for sexual activity, but we need to safe than very sorry, for her sake). Tomorrow will be another chat with DD about the situation in that she should not feel pressured into having sex, by reading some of the texts it pains me to say she must have enjoyed it. A chat with BF mother is on the cards. I would have thought DD would have told BF now that both DH and I know.

OP posts:

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