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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Disappointingly found out DD has had sex

95 replies

nottonight · 18/03/2011 21:52

Not sure what I am feeling here, can't say it was a huge shock as at some point teenagers are going down this route, just didn't think it was so soon. Now I don't usually look at DD's texts mainly because she has a blackberry and puts everything on a lock, but this is in for repair so she has a courtesy phone which is basic and I know how to use these. The boyfriend had text to say he wanted to meet tonight and have some sex. So when DD was in the living room on the lap top watching tv I broached the topic on the lines of now that you have a boyfriend for a few weeks, perhaps we need to have a discussion on hormones and sex, DD went ballistic stating that she was not having sex and therefore not talking about it. Did the whole being careful bit, and whilst I hope that she is not engaging in sex, there may come a time when she does and needs to make sure she is taking proper precautions. DD still not open up for a discussion, so left it a little while and then I let her know that I had read her texts, which to be honest could have been worse but she didn't hit the ceiling which she normally would. So had the discussion that I would be happy if she were to have the implant for her own benefit and my peace of mind. DD stated that she was having safe sex with condoms, not to go off on one, I said that I was disappointed , but in one hand pleased that she had had the sense to use a condom (if she did) but whilst this is good for preventing STD's the condom could split and she could end up pregnant. Now she did agree only to make me happy but wanted to make the appointment all be herself, I'm not sure about this as much prefer if I went with her. What do I do now. DH feels that we should contact BF mother to let her know he is 15, we only met him this week. Any advice anyone. Have been getting on with DD better recently

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 18/03/2011 23:06

I think that teenagers need to learn about the world and choices and talking to their parents without judgement and punishment is the way

but maybe I'm in the minority here

KatieMiddleton · 18/03/2011 23:15

Well I agree with you US. But I don't think the OP wants advice - more validation.

So I'm offski.

NimpyWindowmash · 18/03/2011 23:15

Doesnt sound like op is judging or punishing. Sounds like she is trying to tread a fine line. You don't have to condone undesirable behaviour in the name of letting your child "learn about the world"

Original poster
nottonight · 18/03/2011 23:19

Katie
Op does want advice and if anything it sounds as though you are judging. Do you have children??

OP posts:
Maryz · 18/03/2011 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vouvrey · 18/03/2011 23:25

yes, def need to end those, OP

I dont think she should be 'punished' as such. I'd see this as an (emotional and physical) health issue.

If she's having sex as a way of feeling loved/wanted etc then I think this needs addressed. If SS have ben involved I'd imagine that she has had other challenges of late. Is the sex maybe linked to that?

Is the boy nice? I'd be less woried if he seemed to genuinely care for your DD. Maybe you could talk to him alone about your fears about pregnancy etc?

Have they talked about what they would do if she did get pregnant? A discussion on this might bring them both don to earth.

usualsuspect · 18/03/2011 23:27

you have to learn to let go though and not control ...to hear things you maybe don't want to hear ,to hope they will tell you when they have fucked up

Maryz · 18/03/2011 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usualsuspect · 18/03/2011 23:38

I'm sorry but I would never read a 14 year olds texts

I have 3 grown up kids if they were out of their depths they told me always ..they knew I wouldn't punish or judge ...even if I didn't want to hear they could tell me

Maryz · 18/03/2011 23:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usualsuspect · 18/03/2011 23:51

I know what you mean Maryz ..I have maybe got it wrong sometimes ..but I know they will tell me because I don't care how wrong they have got it, I'm always on their side

DandyLioness · 18/03/2011 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz · 19/03/2011 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Monty27 · 19/03/2011 00:13

OP, I'm not a judgey person I have a dd myself, she had sex at 17 and I was disappointed even at that.

I haven't read all the posts either so I don't know whether she is mature enough to cope with it herself. You see, it's not about spoiling their fun, it's about protecting them from hurt and emotional turmoil etc.

It's too young imo.

I'd be keeping a close reign on her now, although I realise it's been done, but she needs protecting.

usualsuspect · 19/03/2011 00:17

Why would you be disappointed at a 17 year old having sex Confused

Monty27 · 19/03/2011 00:22

US - I was just hoping she'd wait. For what, I don't know. Grin

I came to terms with it quite well and accepted it.

Monty27 · 19/03/2011 00:23

Oh, and she's still 17 so it wasn't long ago.

Frumentarii · 19/03/2011 00:32

Maryz I don't believe it matters what age her boyfriend is, so long as one of the persons involved in a sexual activity is under 16 then the act is illegal though not rape. So in this case both are committing an illegal act, as they would even if they were just kissing.

It is only under the age of 12 that it automatically becomes rape.

GypsyMoth · 19/03/2011 00:41

"So in this case both are committing an illegal act, as they would even if they were just kissing."

kissing?? eh?

Frumentarii · 19/03/2011 00:59

Apparently so.

www.jerseylaw.je/Publications/jerseylawreview/Oct04/JLR0410_Whelan.aspx

"It has been pointed out that mouth to mouth kissing or other minor sexual exploration between consenting fifteen year olds has become a criminal offence attracting a maximum sentence of five years? imprisonment."

eatyourveg · 19/03/2011 12:02

its illegal then - so does that mean you march her down to the police station?

I'd speak to the boyfriend and tell him that you were going to talk to his parents.

Abr1de · 19/03/2011 12:10

There is now some evidence that the later girls leave having their first sexual relationship the better their future outcomes academically, emotionally and career-wise. So yes, even at seventeen one might wish they'd wait a year.

Fourteen and fifteen is too young to be having sex. The OP is right to be concerned.

colditz · 19/03/2011 12:15

Firstly, get her some more reliable contraception than condoms, IMHO they are not reliable for teenagers because thesheer size of a fourteen year old's sexual organs means it's a) fitting looser on the boy and b) being pulled off by the girl. Sorry, hope you understand what I mean, I don't want to be any more graphic.

Secondly, tell her that just because she has done it once does NOT mean she has any obligation to do it again, whether with him or anyone else.

Thirdly, stop the sleepovers, but don't ban her from spending time with her boyfriend. Invite him round for meals, teenaged boys are susceptable to being fed, and the more time they spend at your table, the less time they spend in back alleys - because of course, she will NOT be taking him to her bedroom.

new2cm · 19/03/2011 12:16

nottonight,

I think you've done really well so far.

FYI, I have an implant (Implanon) myself.

My only objection would be going into the appointment with her. By all means take your 14 year old dd to the GP, sit in the waiting room with her but please do leave her to see the GP alone.

Incidently, in order to obtain the contraceptive Implant (Implanon), the doctor will write out a prescription first, then you have to obtain it from the chemist and then go back for another appointment with the GP or family planning nurse for it to be injected into the arm by the GP.

I am not aware of any GP surgery that acutally holds stocks of Implanon Implants.

colditz · 19/03/2011 12:18

Also, if possible, arrange for her to spend time with a really colicky baby.

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