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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Disappointingly found out DD has had sex

95 replies

nottonight · 18/03/2011 21:52

Not sure what I am feeling here, can't say it was a huge shock as at some point teenagers are going down this route, just didn't think it was so soon. Now I don't usually look at DD's texts mainly because she has a blackberry and puts everything on a lock, but this is in for repair so she has a courtesy phone which is basic and I know how to use these. The boyfriend had text to say he wanted to meet tonight and have some sex. So when DD was in the living room on the lap top watching tv I broached the topic on the lines of now that you have a boyfriend for a few weeks, perhaps we need to have a discussion on hormones and sex, DD went ballistic stating that she was not having sex and therefore not talking about it. Did the whole being careful bit, and whilst I hope that she is not engaging in sex, there may come a time when she does and needs to make sure she is taking proper precautions. DD still not open up for a discussion, so left it a little while and then I let her know that I had read her texts, which to be honest could have been worse but she didn't hit the ceiling which she normally would. So had the discussion that I would be happy if she were to have the implant for her own benefit and my peace of mind. DD stated that she was having safe sex with condoms, not to go off on one, I said that I was disappointed , but in one hand pleased that she had had the sense to use a condom (if she did) but whilst this is good for preventing STD's the condom could split and she could end up pregnant. Now she did agree only to make me happy but wanted to make the appointment all be herself, I'm not sure about this as much prefer if I went with her. What do I do now. DH feels that we should contact BF mother to let her know he is 15, we only met him this week. Any advice anyone. Have been getting on with DD better recently

OP posts:
Original poster
nottonight · 19/03/2011 17:38

Thanks for the post guys. especially info from new2cm, good to know that we will get a prescription so at least I can see that she has sorted it out when she goes. She was not keen on me going.

By the way colditz this particular teenage boy apparantly does not eat much. Had that conversation last week when he visited. Have tried a couple of times to speak with his mother, but no answer and did not want to leave a message on the phone for her to call me back.

OP posts:
Abr1de · 19/03/2011 20:34

You are doing all the right things, being very responsible. Your daughter will be grateful for this (if not this year, then in the future). You care and it shows.

electra · 19/03/2011 20:43

I'm sure I would feel the same as the OP in her shoes if my 14 year old was having sex - ie wanting to protect her.

However, it's no good saying 'she's too young'. The fact is that she is having sex, she will find a way to continue whatever you do and you need to find the best way to deal with that so that she doesn't get pregnant etc and knows she can come to you for support if she needs it.

What else can you do? You could lock her up for months but that will make you all very miserable and will drive her away from you. It's not an ideal situation but you can do some damage limitation without making this more of a disaster than it needs to be imo.....

LindaS3 · 19/03/2011 21:28

My daughter was 14 when she had her first special boyfriend. She was 15 when she had sex and I knew what was happening. (She is now 22) I also knew her friends (in a very nice, middle england, rural area at good schools) were having sex. I figured that if my daughter was going to have sex as part of being in a steady relationship then I'd rather she did it at home in a nice clean controlled environment at a place that she felt safe and loved rather than in a bus shelter/ back of car / park etc where sex might make her feel 'dirty' or 'wrong'. If you give out the message that sex at home is never going to happen - are you really saying that sex is an aberration / something women should be ashamed of wanting?

For young women to develop into confident adults we need to trust them and give them the authority and support to make decisions about what feels right for them.

WhatsWrongWithYou · 19/03/2011 21:54

Excuse me while I < boak >.
I haven't seen anyone saying sex at home is never going to happen. I think the point is it's never going to happen while the child is underage and it's illegal.
It's nothing women should be ashamed of wanting, but it's something young girls shouldn't feel pressured into doing, and nor do they need their own mothers conspiring to 'help' them achieve a prematurely active sex life.

justhalfwaythere · 19/03/2011 22:06

WhatsWWY - well said!

Maryz · 19/03/2011 22:09

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeterAndreForPM · 19/03/2011 22:32

christ almighty, I can't stand women who live vicariously through their teenage daughters

Linda, did you thoughtfully provide lube, and tissues for mopping up afterwards ?

oh, and a fag to puff on post-coitally, just to complete the "special" experience

after the sanctioned underage sex in your house ?

not normal

electra · 20/03/2011 00:53

oh FGS peterandre - that is nasty and unnecessary. All these hysterical, unmeasured responses aren't going to help the OP. I also agree with the person who says that 14 is a very tricky age and quite different from 12.

Underage sex is nothing new whatsoever. It's stupid to be judgmental about it as though only certain 'kinds' of people do it. I went to an independent girls school where most of the children were socially advantaged and a lot of them were sexually active at 14. I myself was not and I would prefer my daughters to be at least 16, not least because of the health implications but if it happened I would think that losing my temper was going to make everything worse, not better.

nottirednow · 20/03/2011 09:34

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PeterAndreForPM · 20/03/2011 11:23

electra...if you re-read my post, you will see it was specifically directed at Linda

since I used her name in it

colditz · 20/03/2011 12:53

Consent is not relevant if the child is under 13. Consent IS relevant in a child between 13 and 16. Consunsual underaged sex (between 13 1nd 16) is not statutory rape. Any sex is statutory rape if either party is under 13.

noddyholder · 20/03/2011 12:56

14 is too young

electra · 20/03/2011 14:38

Yes I know it was directed at Linda....and I think it was unnecessary.

PeterAndreForPM · 20/03/2011 14:39

you are entitled to your opinion, electra

Original poster
nottonight · 20/03/2011 21:16

Well I am not the flavour of the month. Having had another discussion with DD about the situation. I did let her know that I would be speaking to his mum, she must have forgot, as this afternoon I did ring his mum, she had her suspicions that he was sexually active but like some teenagers he denied it. I merely let her know that the two had engaged in sexual activity and no way blamed anyone. It felt very awkward letting her know and not sure whether I did the right thing. In my mind I am protecting them both. Anyway she thanked me and said she was going to have a word with him. DH was out walking the dog when he phoned to warn me that DD was on her way home shouting down the phone, she came in, swore, slammed doors, threw things on the floor, and stated that BF mother did not take it well and she had told him that she was disappointed in him and threw him out the house, now BF is no more, he dumped DD and she blamed me for it, the only decent relationship she had had. Tried to explain to her that he needs time to calm down and if he felt anything for her they will get over this bit, but she told me not to speak to her and she will never forgive me. I am not taking it personally, I am doing my job in trying to protect her and just leaving her to it at present, she will want something at some point, in the mean time just putting up with her sulking. It is a shame that ex BF's mother reacted like this.

OP posts:
alemci · 20/03/2011 21:30

I think that it is too young for teenagers to be having sex at home or otherwise. I think our society has become far too permissive and non judgemental. They are still kids not adults and sex seems to be pushed at them from every angle

I am sorry that your dd got dumped. It is a shame that his mum behaved like that but he doesn't sound that great if he dumped her and pressurised her into having sex in the first place.

My dd has a steady bf and she has been with him for about 6 months. I am fairly sure they are not having sex as they are both strong christians but i could be wrong. She is 17.

I am not anti sex before marriage but I think there is too much pressure on young people. soaps like Corrie and Waterloo road don't help either.

BlackSwan · 20/03/2011 21:37

You can't control BF's mother's reaction - only your own. Dreadful that she threw him out. Is there any sense in petitioning her on his behalf and tell her she's out of line & that she should try to be more supportive as clearly they're just a couple of kids making regular mistakes and don't deserve being made homeless over it.

You have done exactly the right thing all the way along. Better that you did all this than that your DD fell pregnant or caught something. You have to be tough with her and let her know that it's not ok at her age to engage in this kind of relationship. So you'll be watching her like a hawk from now on .

NimpyWindowmash · 20/03/2011 21:41

Nottonight, so sorry it turned out like this, you are just doing your best I know, and it was a really tough call whether to contact his mother. If he is a decent guy he will be back, if not then good riddance. Has he got somewhere to go? Hopefully mum doesn't really mean it about throwing him out.

Original poster
nottonight · 20/03/2011 21:50

Not sure, I feel really sorry for him if his mum has thrown him out, hopefully it was just whilst she calms down. His mum and dad had only recently split up, not sure where his dad is staying, but the other night I know he stayed with his uncle. I do not think it is my place to call his mum again, think it might just make things worse.

I am waiting with baited breath for DD's next period.

OP posts:
Maryz · 20/03/2011 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

colditz · 20/03/2011 22:56

i edoubt she threw him out. She probably shouted something like "You can get out if you're going to talk to me like that!" and he reacted as if she had said "Leave my house forever" - and I say this because this was the relationship I had with my parents at 14.

He'll be fine, and if his mother is normally reasonable, he will go back home soon.

Maryz · 20/03/2011 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thenightsky · 20/03/2011 23:21

I am Shock at a 14 year old having a locked blackberry! Never mind owt else.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 20/03/2011 23:59

14 .... 14.... she wouldn't have needed better contraception if she's been mine... I'd have gone mental & locked her in the tower till she turned 30!

You did well to stay calm, as did your DH.

Doing the right thing is seldom the popluar thing - unfortunately.

Give me small nocturnal babies over teenagers any day of the week!

Good luck!