my tuppence worth.
sometimes i get into a spiral of negative engery all round.
they do something, i shout, they shout, we dont talk, frosty silence, banging of doors, staying out just to make me worry, more shouting, more silence and its like a vortex of black engery has entered the home.
and whilst you want them to gro to be a functioning adult - indeed, you want to be proud of them don't you - God i want to say to people i know 'ooh ds did this and i'm so proud or dd did that she's such a good 'un' then it all changes and they hate you and you seriously dislike them and really get to the end of your tether and consider doing things you wouldnt otherwise do.
suddenly you go from no pocket money to no friends to no nights out to YOUR GROUNDED FOREEEEEEEEVEEEEEER!
so, when i do get in that situation, i do this -
i go to them, in their room where they are comfortable and i give them a rally big big love and tell them how much i love them and how unhappy we both are are the situation - now, this isn't a time for bleating on about why or what they have done wrong - its not an admittance of an apology or that you are wrong - its simply a reminder that you love him so very very much.
then i ask them to come downstairs to the table - i like the dining table we have to sit up straight and its kinda semi formal iykwim... then its a bargaining game
this is very interesting - i love it
you say, ok we have to hae some rules, we can't keep on like this, but you are mature enough to take on some responsability and i know that you know as your mum, i worry about stuff.
so lets make some 'guidelines' guidelines are better than rules aren't they!
so you can kinda thnk about over arching headings to set the conversation off
you have a piece of paper and a pen - and write it down til you have this very american liberalesq manifesto that you agree on.
so you could say ' ok let's start with college - what do you think you could do about college - just stuff you know you will stick to - and don't forget to ask me if i can do anything to help you too'
so then he might say, 'ok i'll turn up everyday but mum, you're always on my back about homework and i want to go out with my friends'
'and you say
'I ONLY WANT WHATS BEST FOR YOU YOU UNGREATFUL BAG OF POO'
say that in your head!
you say
'ok i hear what your saying so i'll write DS will attend college every day...right then, how can we get a comprimise betwee your social life and college work?'
then he comes up with the suggestion
and you kind of gently negotiate - you enter into it knowing that you're going to have to give something, but that in doing so you're getting a lot back.
now this is only a short term fix, he will hcange and circumstances will change and i'#m sure the rules will get broken and you then sit down and draw up another one.
ok...i admit that was a bit more than tuppence!
hth