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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How to punish at 16!

80 replies

noddyholder · 27/02/2011 17:36

Just that.I think it is obvious from my recent posts that ds is being a nightmare atm and we can't seem to discipline him at all.He walks in and out as and when with no regard for us and is rude disrespectful and generally a nightmare.He is doing badly at college and has been warned by them and we decided to only allow him 1 night out at weekends and he hasn't stuck to this.He went out last night and came back at 4 today and says we are OTT for saying he is grounded next weekend all weekend.How can you punish someone who is virtually an adult.He does nothing in the house and if asked to do anything is really awful and yesterday told me to fuck off.I am at the end of my tether and feel like walking out!

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Original poster

noddyholder · 27/02/2011 21:20

Just waiting for a friend to call back.I need a break he won't care.I actually rang a helpline for advice and they were non committal but also surprised that when we tried to sit down and set some rules he wouldn't agree to any of them.I can't see an end to this

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Original poster

noddyholder · 27/02/2011 21:21

My ds will be 17 in May so this has a slightly different feel to 14 yr old kevin and perry stuff

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hogsback · 27/02/2011 21:25

Loshad - he's 16 not 8. You don't take 'confiscate' things off a 16 year-old who doesn't want to give them up unless you're looking for a smack in the mouth. And as for cutting off plugs, pretty sure most 16 yr old boys could wire on a new one.

Maryz · 27/02/2011 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tinkerbellgotpan · 27/02/2011 21:37

Hang on I never said it was kevin and perry stuff!with my son it's been with course work too and wanting to spend all his time with friends and not on his future!I know he's 14 and yours is 16.But his work is still important,his school have been on about him going onto university,I think that's part of our sons problem Pressure from his school.He has a realy high IQ so they keep upping his work and the level they want him to reach is higher than the upper six form at his school.

tinkerbellgotpan · 27/02/2011 21:38

My son's 6 foot and I manage it.I think if it's got to the stage where you think you child is going to hurt you you need to get some professional help.

cybilliberty · 27/02/2011 21:43

Nodders just been glancing at my teen bible 'Get out of my life' etc etc

It says that with most teens regular repetitons of what your rules are in your house will help keep them on the straight, give or take a bit.

Do you all know what your rules are?

However if you have a child who consistently refuses to do as you wish and flouts the rules, its the 'our way or out' show down OR counselling which some teens find helpful as its a neutral place to talk.

However I suppose he's got to be willing to compromise. Sounds like he's got nothing to lose at the moment by behaving like this...

Hope you can get some space, and get your head straight.

Original poster

noddyholder · 27/02/2011 21:46

Thanks cybil I think we are going to have to have the talk tonight as my friend is going to come and pick me up when dp gets home in about half an hour but I have been thinking about it and am loathe to leave the house and give him that power as he would certainly see it as he had won.We do have rules but he flouts all of them and when we remind him what they are he just says no to them all!

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Maryz · 27/02/2011 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

A1980 · 27/02/2011 22:00

My brother was a bit of a git when he was a teen. I could be too, hell weren't we all at some point.

One day when my brother had been particulary bad, my mother just upped and left. She was out all day. She wasn't there when we got home from school /college and didn't come back until the early evening. It was the day she normally did the weekly shopping. She bought fuck all food, and spent some money on herself instead. She bought some things for the house too. She barely spoke to us when she got home.

So there we were, 15 & 16 years old, no food in the house and we had no money. Suddenly we realised just how much we relied on mum and that we can't actually afford to feed ourselves if she didn't buy it. We knew how to cook but we had no money to buy ourselves something to cook. We just had toast that night for dinner. A whole new perspective dawned on us and the word consequeces meant something to us finally.

I suggest you do the same. No allowance, no doing his laundry, changing his beds, etc if he's particualry arsey don't even feed him. Let him fend for himself. If he wants to fuck off out until all hours and treat the place like a hotel let him but with the understanding that he'll get nothing in your house when he is here.

Loshad · 27/02/2011 22:17

sorry hogsback, but i have 3 teenagers, and teach another 290 every week. My older 2 teenagers are substantially bigger, and stronger than me - but if i decided to confiscate their phones it would happen - i have done it. I don't need to do it often (in fact never done it with ds2) but ds1 has been a monster on and off, and i have confiscated his phone and cut off his plugs. He would not rewire them even if he does have the knowledge!

Loshad · 27/02/2011 22:19

mine are 17, 15 and 13 btw

Tortington · 27/02/2011 22:26

noddy it's so difficult, really sorry its all a bit horrible at the mo, hope you're ok

sharon2609 · 27/02/2011 22:56

LOSHAD I tried to physically get my DD12 phone off her ...she pushed me to the ground and started kicking me

Tortington · 27/02/2011 23:23

bloody hell!

dd pays for her credit as she has a job - so i dont think its my place to take it away from her as she paid for it

but ds doesn't so he relies on us for any money needed.

i have cut the plugs off his stuff - but he was about 14 at the time - and i proper lost the plot mad woman stylee

he re-wired them

i have taken stuff out of their rooms as punishemtn, but i do it whilst their out - put in boot of my car

i had a guitar and amp int here for months was a proper arseache trying to get the shopping in!!

Loshad · 27/02/2011 23:31

that is not to decry the exteme problems maryz has with her son being addicted to cannabis - different game altogether, but noddy hasn't given any indication that drugs are are a problem in her case

maltesers · 28/02/2011 08:56

Its so unfair, isnt it. . .they turn into these terrible monsters....and yet at birth they look so adorable and you couldnt just 'eat' them .
Hang on in there Noddy....xx

maltesers · 28/02/2011 08:56

sorry....meant, you could just 'eat' them. ooppss.

Original poster

noddyholder · 28/02/2011 09:38

We have had some progress here I think he has finally seen the light for now!Dp got in at 10 and we had a massive talk and laid the law down basically.I think he was quite shocked to see dp so angry and final on things but dp has had enough too he just doesn't lose it like I do mainly because he isn't here when ds starts.There are a lot of things ds has done/said to me when he is here on his own that I have dealt with while dp is at work and I think ds was surprised when dp listed several of these things and told ds how disappointed he was. Dp has a picture of ds and I in New York at work and he said we looked so happy in it he was in tears when he looked at it as he left last night and I think ds finally saw the extent of how he has been and how it has affected us.It has definitely been a bit of a spiral where no one would give so hopefully that can stop now

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Tortington · 28/02/2011 09:56

oh that's good to hear xx

maudz · 28/02/2011 10:00

Hey Noddy, i've only just picked this up through a FB link - but whilst I can offer little in the way of advice, I just wanted to let you know you are not on your own! I have a 16 yr old step son, who is quite frankly making my life a misery, he drives me up the wall, I no longer know what to do with him or how to handle him, neither does his father. His father and I have been together 7 years, married for 4, and have 3 children together. SS has ADHD, is on tablets for it (which should he 'forget' to take them he turns from just about manageable to complete and utter nightmare) and over this weekend has done his classic jekyll and hide - he was working with his dad for part of the weekend, and worked well, helpful etc etc - comes to dinner time last night and throws a huff saying he doesn't like sausages (the same ones he ate for dinner 3 days ago) and that he only eats them to keep the peace, and that he'll make himself some toast like the little boys get if they don't eat their dinner - to which I pointed out that on the last two occasions one of the younger ones has done the 'don't like that', they've gone without. This was after I was told that I treat my children differently to him..........I've done more for the ungrateful little monster in the last 7 years than his mother ever did - she's had no contact with him since he was 13 months old.........

Sorry, rant over, there's a whole lot more I could add, but anyway - I've tried all sorts of things from negotiation (which can be very hard when he won't talk/listen/reason with you) to sanctions (no ipod/xbox etc - makes no difference), grounding etc. In some ways I would love to set him up in a flat on his own and see how he fairs, but he is an incredibly immature 16 year old - and although intelligent has made no effort at school so is now heading for a possible F/G in GCSE Maths, not sitting GCSE English, doing Entry Level instead, which compared to his ability is a joke - we've attempted to get it through to him that he won't even get to college on the predicted grades/levels he's been given, never mind a job.

If you come up with something please share - I too am at the end of my tether, as is DH although at times I do feel that he adopts the head in the sand approach, which with a 5 yr old, 4 yr old and 11 week old in the house too, doesn't help much....!!

Good luck, big hug to you and I hope you have a beter day - I know we're heading for a fight this evening from the state he left the place in this morning .... :(

Original poster

noddyholder · 28/02/2011 10:24

Thanks for all your advice custy I was in a real state yesterday and it had really worn me down!Didn't wake up until 9.45 today v rare for me.Things just feel a lot better but time will tell when he is asked to do something or dp tells him he is not going out as much as he has been.I think I preferred him as a toddler and I never thought I'd say prefer and toddler in the same sentence! Maudz that sounds a real hard one esp as he has had such a difficult start and probably feels abandoned by his mum etc.Do you get any help or counselling for him?Maybe he just wants to feel he is as important as his siblings I remember when my mum had another child when we were teenagers it was quite difficult and there were emotions all over the place! Luckily my ds got good gcses and is in college but he says he hates it every day but won't leave so I think that is what we need to tackle next BUT not today! Most people would be shocked to meet ds as he is charm personified and is lovely to everyone and we have always been very close but as custy said you can become locked in certain behaviours and breaking the deadlock is the key Good luck xx

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QuickLookBusy · 28/02/2011 10:33

Noddy it sounds like you have had a breakthrough with DS-that's brilliant.

Just wanted to say it is bloody hard work with teenages. I have 2 older ones and people say "Oh you are so lucky, they are so good" They don't see the arguements discussions, negotiations and door slamming that goes on. I think it is a constant, never ending teenage thing.

Keep on in there!!

Original poster

noddyholder · 28/02/2011 10:43

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted the house feels so much better today!Amazing how a bad atmosphere kills everything.

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hogsback · 28/02/2011 11:54

Loshad - the fact that your teenagers would let you take the phone off them suggests that they are reasonably well behaved, socialised, respectful individuals.

If you had tried something like that on me when I was 16 I would certainly have hit you, and possibly stabbed you

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