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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teen daughters and bedrooms

50 replies

theOP · 27/01/2011 09:58

At what age should one stop entering a teen daughter's bedroom without invitation?

Is there an age when it is inappropriate for a father to go into his daughter's bedroom at all, or is it just a matter of knocking (in case she is changing)....can one put one's head round the door last thing at night? Go in to tuck them up?

And conversely, how does one get one's teens to respect one's own privacy in the bedroom? Mine barge in any old time to use our en suite because their bathroom is up 8 steps.

I am just wondering what most parents do....

OP posts:

skinnydip · 27/01/2011 22:50

Last time I went in 17yo daughters room wish i hadn't !!
Filthy or what -- no wonder they want privacy !!

londoner2 · 28/01/2011 14:56

I must say all of this is the opposite of how we run our household. Doors are always open - no door in the house is ever shut unless we are having a sleepover or perhaps someone is ill and needs absolute quiet.

We have one bathroom, so everyone is always going in or out, regardless of their state of undress.

This seems healthier to me. I would be concerned if everyone felt the need for huge amounts of privacy.

Should they need it they can shut the door - so for privacy in the bathroom sometimes, giggly girly sleepovers, visiting boyfriends (for our much older daughter).

As the doors are so rarely shut, when they are shut, the right to privacy is observed.

Original poster

theOP · 28/01/2011 14:57

LollipopViolet, why do your parents go in and move your stuff? Is it because you have "borrowed" your mother's moisturiser/ cashmere jumper and have mistaken leaving- it- on- your- bedroom- floor- for returning it, or is it to retrieve your laundry? ;-) I doubt they randomly move your stuff for no reason . I know what you mean though, I would hate anyone else to tidy up MY stuff in MY bedroom even if they were trying to be kind.

My DD1 (16yo) agreed to start contributing to housework by washing her own sheets. That was October 2010. I cracked when she went away for a week in December and quickly washed and ironed them, but am still waiting to see how long she is prepared to go with them getting dirtier and dirtier before she actually changes them herself......2 cats often sleep on her bed so the duvet cover has lots of cat hairs on it too.

Oddly, she doesn't yet smell.

OP posts:

LollipopViolet · 28/01/2011 19:30

theOP, I'm not entirely sure! I make a point of putting laundry in the right place etc. I think it's probably when someone's doing some ironing, needs coat hangers, and the notices a hoody or something that they think needs a session in the wash/on the ironing board. To be fair, it annoys me a bit, but they've kept me while I'm at uni and they're great in all other respects so I don't mind too much :)

GoldFrakkincenseAndMyrrh · 28/01/2011 19:49

I agree that doors are generally open and when they're shut then you knock and wait. That's just the way it's always been in my parents' house and I extend the same courtesy to DH if he's, say, showering or in the office.

My dad, when I went home for a visit (as I'm older, married and pregnant!) still knocked and popped his head around the door to say goodnight though.

asdx2 · 29/01/2011 10:18

It's generally accepted in our house that if a door is shut then you should knock and wait to be invited in. We have always done it since primary so no one considers it odd at all.

Tortington · 29/01/2011 10:24

you must knock always, she could be getting changed, i think its essential that a girl can parade around her own room in her underwear whilst trying to find an outfit without wondering if mum or worse...dad is going to come in.

i think tucking up is a bit much at teenage age.

re privacy in own room, you can put a hook and eye catch on the door

just tell them to knock as you might be having sex. my dd always knocks now, as she caught us mid throws a few months ago

cory · 29/01/2011 11:44

My 10yo ds insists on us knocking before we enter his room. I think his right to privacy is far more important than any feelings of ours about wanting to keep our little boy little or whatever the OPs ds feels. Some people just have a need of their own space; it doesn't have to mean they are uptight about sex/brought up in a prudish household.

KatieScarlett2833 · 30/01/2011 12:25

Why cant he juat yell from downstairs like we do, fourhundredthousandtimes until they respond?

Goodynuff · 31/01/2011 07:01

We have the "if its closed, knock" policy in our house, and have had it since the kids were about 3 or 4. I grew up in a one room cabin with 6 people, so I am rabid about my own privacy. We don't go in someones bag, purse or room without permission. As for the state of their rooms, every Friday is inspection. Rooms must be vaccumed, and sheets changed to get pocket money, or any sleepovers. no clean=no cash= no company Despite being 11 and 13, they love a tuck in, a chance to talk about their day, or have a little one on one time. I am sure in the next few years, they will want to drop that
OP, I think you DD will really respect you for listening to her concerns, and your DH will be fine once he gets used to her being a bit more independant

Snorbs · 31/01/2011 08:02

We, too, have the "if it's closed then you knock and wait to be invited in" policy. My DS is fast approaching teenage and, so far, he only closes his bedroom door if he's changing or he wants a bit of space from his little sister I imagine this will change as he gets older.

I see it as a mutual respect thing. Everybody is entitled to a bit of their own private space if they need it. I rarely close my bedroom door but when I do I expect the same treatment I afford my DCs.

empirestateofmind · 31/01/2011 12:44

We knock then ask to come in if doors are shut. We don't go in each others bags either. Wouldn't dream of it.

Neither of my DDs have asked for locks. If they did want locks I would ask that the doors were not locked at night in case there was a fire or other emergency.

seeker · 31/01/2011 12:48

Any door that is shut needs to be knocked on - however old the person on the other side of it is - as long as they are old enough to say "come in" or "go away". So from 18 months/ 2 years onwards.

seeker · 31/01/2011 12:51

It's not about nakedness in this family - we tend to chat to each other in the bath. It's about privacy.

noddyholder · 31/01/2011 12:56

I always knock on ds's door as I dread to think what I would see otherwise.He is better at knocking on ours than he was but he seems totally uninhibited about walking around half dresses so that aspect doesn't apply.

GetOrfMoiLand · 31/01/2011 12:58

DD rarely closes her doors but if they are closed, I knock. Sometimes you need privacy as a teenager and don't want your parents barging in.

She doesn't really knock on our door but since we have started TTC she very kindly shouts out 'are you two having sex ' before opening the door and sniggering loudly.

As to the tidiness of her room - 95% doesn't care, 5% of me wants to go in there and scream very loudly. I generally ask her to blitz it every couple of weeks.

GetOrfMoiLand · 31/01/2011 13:00

I meant 95% of me

Socy · 01/02/2011 10:32

totally agree with empire re locked rooms over night. I would not allow locks for this reason - I wouldn't be able to sleep until I'd checked no-one had locked themselves in! DS2 got locked in the bathroom once when he slammed the door in a temper and the lock stuck, it took ages to get the door handle off and get him out. It would be so easy to lose a key in a teen bedroom.

seeker · 01/02/2011 15:06

I don't think I'd allow locks at all, actually - this is a family home, not a lodging house.

But closed doors are sacrosanct.

OneMoreChap · 02/02/2011 16:27

If it's shut, knock.
If there's no answer, knock harder.

OK, what can then happen is No Reply so you walk in - and there are headphones on ThermonuclearWar setting in their ears.

... in which case, apologise, smile sweetly and say "If you'd said bugger off, I would have done."

DD went through a long phase of not speaking to me at all, but then she wasn't speaking to exDW either. Both DS and DD were quite good about respecting privacy - and it wouldn't occur to me not to respect theirs.

As far as the loo goes, door open it's free, door shut it's occupied.

veryberry21 · 03/02/2011 19:47

i think 16 is old enough to lock her door, your dp should respect that she needs her privacy, knock on her door atleast, and wair for an invitaion to come in.

SecondhandRose · 08/02/2011 20:29

For anyone who is a fan of Sheldon from Big Bang Theory we like the 3 knock then name 3 times over! We are big knockers in this house.

GnomeDePlume · 08/02/2011 21:24

From around age 8 we all knock on each other's doors. DH & I have a bolt on our door to stop DCs having bad dreams.

PowderMum · 09/02/2011 18:07

Never considered knocking on DD1 or DD2 doors, but we do generally have them open and all walk around the house in different stages of undress. In the morning my bedroom is like Picadilly Circus with everyone in and out looking for clothes, using the shower etc.

DD1 is 14 and does close her door when she is changing and locks the door when showering but then will wander out in her underwear to find missing clothes.

I have to say that we don't go into their rooms very often, but this is mainly because you can't get through the door as the floor is always covered in clothes and books.

JulieAbbott · 02/07/2011 13:45

I have DD1 @ 15 and DD2 @ 13. My Husband(their Step-dad) and I do not enter there Bedrooms without Knocking if Door is closed. They are the same with us. Most of the time all Bedroom Doors are open and we all wander in and out one-another's rooms and chat. If they have Boy-Friend's round they can go on the playstation or watch a movie in there room's although there Bedroom Doors are to be left open!

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